What good is telling T everything?

I don't know if telling my T everything is helping me or not. So now she has experienced my pattern for herself. So what? I feel the same about her that I felt about my other Ts, though maybe it's even stronger with her. I laid it all out--my behavior, feelings, thoughts about her. She knows some of my behavior is intrusive and borders on stalking. She knows I have fantasies about her, and sometimes sex gets mixed in with my feelings about her.

SO WHAT GOOD IS HER KNOWING ALL OF THAT? It doesn't change anything!!!

maybe in time it will.maybe it will give her the tools to be able to help you and thee trong feelings

Hey Rainbow,

I really get what you are saying, as I have done the same with my T, told her my needs,my feelings, how I wish she was my mum etc It didn't really feel it made any difference either, I kinda felt like I put it all out there and nothing came from it.. I dont mean that I wanted my T to turn around and say "ok i will be your mum", but I didn't feel anything at all came from it that helped me work through it..maybe there was nothing she could say. I kinda had to accept these feelings within me may never change and the needs I have felt my whole life may not get met.

I know its not the same but i think it's positive that your therapist accepts what you share with her and still shows physical affection like holding your hand and sitting beside you in sessions when you need her to, it shows she cares about you and wants to comfort you.

I guess if anything what we get from telling everything is the chance to feel better and knowing we tried to work through it.

That's a tough question Rainbow. I know when I shared everything even though my T accepted it(it was tough for him) it didn't change anything either. I told him multiple times of my need for reassurance, for him to disclose more.........the latter has happened a little more but only because we are ending. I am not sure with my new T what I will do but the only good I can see came from it is that I held nothing back, I was completely open and honest about everything and for me, personally, that was very liberating. I guess what he did give back to me was caring and acceptance anyway, despite everything, and that in turn has helped me to feel better about myself..........that there is this stranger that knows everything about me, mostly the bad, and still cares and wants to help me anyway. However, it was very frustrating to tell him my needs(reassurance being a big one, not a lot..........just a little) and have it fall on deaf ears. I think some of it just depends on the style of your T.

(((rainbow))) maybe it just doesn't change anything.... yet.

Is everything the same as when you began seeing this T?
Maybe you have found more acceptance, like you wished for before?
Could you be trying out that acceptance?
Do you notice if it feels different with this T with fewer boundaries than your previous T?
Has your frustration tolerance and/or anxiety improved?
Have you and T discussed your question?

Just throwing things out there that come to mind.

I just want to say what my T told me early on, that sometimes you just have to "Trust the process".

I think for me, holding things inside and keeping them secret makes me feel a lot of shame. Speaking them out and finding out that I can still be accepted and loved does a lot to dilute (and sometimes eliminate) that shame. Sometimes right away, sometimes it takes longer.

from the T's perspective, we have to know when we share that the T reserves the right to respond or not, depending on their treatment approach or personality style. just because we say it, doesn't mean they have to meet the need in the way we might think. and if we can't accept the T setting a boundary with us, we shouldn't set ourselves up. with a T who does mainly cognitive behavioral treatment, there isn't as much emphasis on the relationship.

from the client perspective, we find there are some therapists who encourage clients to say everything on their mind, but then they don't have the training or depth to know what to do with it. just saying it isn't a cure. working it through is, but not all Ts are equipped to help us get down to what these transference feelings mean. so we can get disappointed, and understandably so.

granite, I hope you're right! I worry that there's no way to help me, that I'm going to feel the way I do forever.

dizgirl, maybe you're right but that thought depresses me. This T told me I would get better! Her methods are different, and she didn't promise, but said IFS and EMDR would help. She said having my Self control my parts is the goal, and that I can do that. She said a lot to me. I want to believe her. It's probably my fault; I resist trying to work on putting my Self in charge instead of my parts.

swimmergirl, yes, my T accepting all of me IS a big deal. Maybe I underestimate how important that is to me. I tell her awful things and she says she is curious, not angry with me.

ECHOES: thank you for the questions. I know this therapy is different, yet my pattern remains. I'm impatient because it's been over a year, but in a way, it seem like up until now was just laying the groundwork for the real work. I haven't asked my T in person, but I emailed my concerns this week, saying I hope she knows what to do with me!

tree, I know I have a need to tell her everything. I think a lot is about shame, and having her accept me the way I am. I still don't trust that she REALLY accepts me. I asked her many times Wednesday if she was angry with me. At the end of the session, I asked her to tell me she still likes me, She did.

insightunseen: My T responds to everything; she's that kind of T. I hope she has the skills to help me through it all; that seems to be my concern. thanks!

yes - and (remember?) "we don't tell them things so that they understand; we tell them things so that we will hear ourselves speaking the truth about our own lives. "

Maybe that's why they insist so much that we open our mouths, as impossible as it can seem at times. Maybe writing it isn't the same.

sorry Rainbow , still at same time you are working away, even when it is hard, and that is wonderful.

SAWE:

Exactly what my T says! I mean about not saying it for her, but so I can hear the truth! She keeps asking me things over and over, and I say "you asked me that already" but then she says something like what you posted. It's not for her, but for me, to accept my "parts". I never quite understood that, and get frustrated when she asks the same things, and I say "I told you that once already", maybe weeks ago, and that's why.

Thanks for bringing that up.

It's better to tell than not tell, even if things don't feel different right away.....sometimes, I have told T something, and expected that the telling itself would make things feel all different, all better. But sometimes, the telling is just the beginning of the process of change, the beginning of the work! And sometimes, it takes much telling, of different aspects, from different angles, before we really accept the truth, the reality, and can really grow and change and heal and move into a new pattern.....
You are doing good work, rainbow, have patience and be gentle with yourself and with the process!

Problem solving needs to occur.

poetgirl, I guess I also thought telling would make it better, but you're right. It's only the first step. I'm still at the stage of accepting the reality and then, hopefully, I can work on changing my pattern. Thank you.

Sannah, that's where I'm stuck. I don't know how to solve the problem!

Since my session, I sent my T one long email, but less than a page, then another one with 1 paragraph, then one with 2 sentences. In the one with only two sentences I commented on my noticing how good she looked and that my parts were confused, but I was going to meditate, not send her any more emails about it, and get on with my life.

In her email back, she said it sounded like my Self was more in control instead of the parts running the show. But it was so incredibly HARD to send such a short email and to say that. Now I have to stick with it and not write again before my appointment on Tuesday. I have to do the meditation every day and not let the thoughts about my T run my life.
When I think about missing her already, and feelings about the session, I just have to say "that's okay, parts of you really like her a lot and that's normal" and even good.

I signed my first email "love" but first I wrote "is it okay to write that?" Of course I know it is. Okay. My Self has to be a big girl now and not cry about my T. I know "you guys" will understand how difficult it is to put my T into proper perspective in my life. She's SO very important to me, but so have been all the Ts before her. I've got to stop doing this!

Maybe you are getting the cart before the horse here? When you are done doing the work the problem solving almost falls into place. You pointed out something very important here - "accepting the reality". This is a really important step and problem solving will not come before this step. Trust the process.

Hmmmm, sounds like you are fighting yourself here? How about just working through it instead of fighting what you are doing? You are very drawn to your T's. Explore this and stop fighting it?