Trying to find a way in

At my session, T and I switched where we usually sit with each other. So I could have a different view—of the wall behind where I usually sit and so never see. I think this really helped the session! Helped break out of a rut? Try on a different perspective?

For the last 4 years, there’s been a topic lurking that I want to deal with in therapy. I’ve made a couple of passes at it, the last and most significant time at a session about a year ago. But that effort didn’t go further. When T and I last met, I had told him I really wanted to work on this, and that was something, to even say that. So this time he asked me early on if I wanted to talk about this topic—something from my childhood, my past? I told him I did. Try as I might, though, I couldn’t get started. I would sit and think and be silent and try to come up with what to say, but couldn’t. I repeated several times, “it’s too huge and I don’t know where to start.” Finally, I told him I needed his help. He asked if I wanted him to ask me questions, and I said yes. What a relief! So he asked me blind questions (like the game 20 questions), not even knowing what meaning I might assign to what he said. It helped me touch some of that material and bring some of the feelings up, even if I didn’t reveal many concrete details. Some of what he asked was very triggering to me, and helped me release some of the emotion. He saw the feelings so knows there is healing work here for him. He said we were just dipping our big toe in.

I have a hard time remembering what all we talked about. I do remember being completely flooded by the end of the session (only 50 minutes—shorter than usual for us) and looking at the clock and wanting it to be over. I told him a couple times that I didn’t know what he just said and finally, “I want to leave,” which I don’t think I have ever said before. I think he was a bit taken aback that I said that! He said, very sincerely, “please tell me when to shut up.”

It’s been a little while since the session and I am remembering some details now. I recall asking him if he believed in God and what his God is like. (This is not what we normally talk about!!!) I also remember speaking to him a couple of times in a very flat voice. Like very weary and distant, with no intonation. I also remember sitting there looking at him and wondering how he would react if I told him I had murdered someone. Would he sit there across from me and accept that with equanimity and no judgment? I did not tell him I was wondering this. All this is not the heart of our conversation, though, which is cloudy to me.

Something that was unusual was that at the end, when we were looking at the calendar, I asked if we should keep having these shorter sessions since I had hardly been able to get through this one. He said “no” very firmly and wants to stick with the longer 90 minute ones. He wants me to come more frequently too—every 1-2 weeks. Usually he lets me choose our appointment frequency and length. Somehow it felt really good for him to be more directive about this. Maybe he sees I need more from him right now and is willing to respond to that.

This was an intense session and felt more like the ones we used to do.

Wow, I love stories where our T's work with us well. I found that when my T is more directive, I feel more taken care of. When she has suggested twice a week, it felt good. And when I thought I should cancel because I thought I didn't have anything to talk about, she was having none of that. So, instead of leaving it completely up to me to decide, she told me it was best if I came in. With your T being 'firm', it felt good, right?

Also, finding words to express emotions can be so so tough. I love it when T comes up with 'methods' to help us find ourselves inside. Last Friday my T had me do Sand Tray again. It really helped by using symbols instead of words for expressing even unknown deep emotions.

And I also wanted to quit early which is unusual. I guess intense emotions just spur us to want to flee.

I bet you feel very positive about the session. When do you see T next? How can you wait 2 weeks between sessions? That would be agonizing for me.

This is really good stuff! Sounds kind of fun.

(((((((Sunny)))))))

My T said the same thing two weeks ago - that I had dipped my big toe in. And he asked me at my last session how far I thought I had went and I pointed to the arch of my foot. Gosh, it's slow sometimes, isn't it?

You and your T know each other so well, and I know from what you've said that he is so committed to healing trauma. I know you're in good hands.

Right now I am in a similar place...trying to talk about something I've been holding onto for a long time, and that I tried to talk about a year ago, but couldn't. And right now, I can't say the words either.

T said that I am feeling the feelings, and that that is a big, big step. He said that I am letting him into the feelings. He is sooooooo patient, and I know he trusts the words will come...I know your T is the same way. I can't imagine being as patient as they are, you know?

I think when we are dealing with things that are so big, and so scary, that we have to trust ourselves and pay attention to our feelings are reactions. Part of me wants to just GET THROUGH THIS, but I think that a wiser part of me wants me to take it slowly. It can get so overwhelming, and I don't want to get too too lost in it. You are paying attention to how you're feeling, and telling T ("I want to leave") and that is huge.

You are so brave to be moving into this scary place. Your T is so steady and so caring. He will bring you through this, and you will finally be free of it. You can do this, sunny

So glad you have such a productive session!
My T is always firm, and almost every session is like 20 questions, but she knows thats what I need right now and it works.
So proud that you took that huge step to try and work on this issue! That takes a lot of strength!!!

I just wanted to add that I'm glad T pushed for the 90 minute sessions. It will give you time to say the things you say or feel the things you need to feel and get grounded again before you leave. I find 50 minute sessions REALLY tough for trauma stuff.

Your T is taking good care of you

That sounds like a great technique. Sometimes it is just so hard to find words and it helps so much if they can figure out a way to help us.

It did. Usually he lets me decide everything and I like that too, but this felt really good, like he was looking out for me.

We usually see each other every 3-4 weeks, so switching to every 1-2 seems soon to me! When we stopped seeing each other weekly, it wasn't working well, until he suggested that we have longer sessions. But now, since we are going to be seeing each other more frequently again, I had thought we would go back to the 50 minute sessions, but I guess not. At least until my wallet runs dry.

That fits with me too. I am not sure he learned too much in the way of facts and details from our session, but he learned a ton about my feelings. He learned about raw spots and wounds. That is all on his radar now as places that need healing. It feels good to have him know that.

I never thought of it that way. I like viewing the "I want to leave" as something positive.

Thank you, Treehouse.

In the past, when I could not put my feelings into words, I used clip art to tell my story. I bet I wrote a book with all that clip art. It told my story from the time I married the first time, all the way up till where I am now.

I remember asking her to please pause at each picture and try to feel what it represented for me. She took her time. I was thankful for that. I feel that she was really trying to feel what I was trying to convey in those pictures.

That was one of the best sessions we ever had. For some reason, I destroyed my only copy of that. Not sure why I did that. She may have her copy in my file. I might ask her in my next session if we can look back through that.

Hey Sunrise,

I think you did so well to talk about the issue that you have been holding in for so long and I am glad your T was able to at least begin the journey of working through this issue with you!It's a matter of taking one small step at a time but you have taken the hardest one by begining the conversation, so you deserve to be proud of yourself.

I think it's nice your T has stepped up and decided it is best for you to have more support at this time and it helps you know that you have someone who is looking out for your best interests.

It definately sounds like an intense session but one that also went very positively!

I'm glad you were able to dip your toe in!
ANd like tree, I view the telling T 'I want to leave' in a positive way too.....being able to be honest with T about your feelings and your needs. Also, for myself, I think it's better when I want to leave rather than I want to stay......wanting to leave is a sign we uncovered some things that needed uncovered, yet is also a sign it's time to stop for now, and wait and rest and come back to it later......

I know this issue has been bothering you for a long time, so I am very happy to hear that you are starting to talk about it. I think your T knows that you need more more frequent sessions in order to keep the momentum going, and that 90 minutes is best for you. I LOVE 90 minute sessions!

Your session sounds very different from most that you describe, and I think that's why your T decided to take the lead and be more directive. He's an excellent T!! I know you'll be able to get it all out when you're ready. Slow is good too. You know, the tortoise and the hare story?!

Yes, I think it showed I had more of a need of his healing skills. That isn't the case in every session. I think that is why the session reminded me of the ones we used to have, because he was in healer mode then too. I like seeing the healer swing into action.