[SeptemberMorn]

Ok, fine! We'll bring it over here, then. Didn't think I'd take you up on it without you starting the thread, did you? LOL

Of course, snail mail will go to the office but you can always print in bold, red ink <font color="red">PERSONAL</font> I'm certain it will be honored.

Doesn't seem to me that you have any problem writing down what you're feeling or thinking here on the board. No doubt you don't say everything but it's a darn good start. Just your original post would cause your therapist to ask you questions and then SHUT UP and listen. LOL

{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}} I know it's not funny, Hun, but this is just me having a sense of humor over things that we could very well be crying over. I hope I haven't offended you... but it helps me. Maybe it could help you??

Wish I had some words of wisdom for your PTSD. I have it, too. Can't say whether I actually had therapy for it or not. I just don't remember. Things around my mom's death will trigger me. Going to a convalesent hospital will do it even though I didn't put her in one when she got sick. Thank goodness I haven't had call to go to one since, except that my FIL was in one. Never did go to see him. When I have flashbacks, though, I just keep telling myself "It's NOT happening NOW!! It CAN'T happen AGAIN!! It's NOT happening NOW!!"

Hope this helps just a tiny bit, Deb.

[eskielover]

Tomi,
Thank you...not offended either.....I mostly do that to myself it is my way of getting back into the now....gotta laugh.

I just had a conversation with my psychologist......not knowing exactly how to start......I guess what I get out of therapy isn't what they see either.....I was right on that account. I guess there is the typical aspect of me where I always expect more out of me that what others think. I have felt that if I am spending money for therapy, I should be getting something out of it. I now understand from what was said that when I have a good day, I am allowed to have that good day & not pry into anything at that time. It is nice to know the phylosophy behind the therapy. The problem is when I am not having a good day only I am hiding it from even me. Then I come out of therapy wondering why I am still feeling lousy inside & what is going on.

I was surprised that I was able to express what was bothering me well enough between the tears to even get anything out. Guess there is so much going on inside of me. I can look at my life & not see all that I am going through without support.....until she brought up all that is going on in my life from the time depression finally came out almost 12 years ago. The situation that caused that is long over.......but the depression is still around to haunt.

I felt lucky that my critters have been here to give me the needed mental break I have.....what is hard it now that it is coming to the year point when everything happened to throw me completely off last year, I am having a hard time being able to put it in the background right now. I have always had to be the strong person.....the one that has the answers. Now I am feeling very sick again. I was sensing some internal fighting going on lately....& was hoping that is would turn out ok......but am finding that there is still junk that is able to take over again. I am supposed to be the strong person who no one sees is bothered by anything. It's amazing that how your are preceived is not what is really going on inside.

I am still fighting the ghosts of last year......& the depression from way before that trying to burry as much as I can so I can still function. It is getting harder & harder.

Debbie

[(JD)]

(((Eskie)))) I think you are doing the best you can... and are trying very hard to manage. Perhaps, with the animals help, you are reaching a point where you do feel like you can let out more of your feelings...but aren't to the point of addressing them all yet? Maybe not, maybe you have been holding back for so long, you are now completely overwhelmed! I trust you will continue to talk WITH your doctor... and allow him to help you at the pace he thinks is best for you... my T has said, Sometimes going slower helps you heal faster... or something to that effect. I wish good stuff for you!

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Of course, you are "allowed" to have good days! You Need them! You hear the "but" coming? LOL I'm sorry. Been sitting here wracking my brain on how to put it and it's giving me a headache, so I'm just gonna say it, ok?

It's a well known fact that what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another, but I've got to share so you can give it some thought.

What works for me is that I've noticed that when I'm having a good day, I can handle problems a lot easier. It's easier to talk about things that I can't figure out and if there's any input, I can accept it easier without it confusing me or weighing me down. When I'm having a bad day, I may get out what's bothering me, but what *I* really want is empathy much more than problem solving because I can't think clearly, anway... on those days.

You said your T suggested that you were "avoiding"? How about you give it a slightly different perspective and call it "repressing"? Sounds like you're holding in a whole lot of stuff that is screaming to get out but you "sense some internal fighting going on". To keep it in? Debbie, it's going to come out, one way or the other, when you just can't handle it anymore. It's been MY experience, being the control freak over myself that I am, that it's better to "allow" it to come out bit by bit rather than all at once.

Remember, this is what has worked for ME. Not saying that it will for you, but I hope I've given you some food for thought... and I hope you know how much I care and can empathize with you.

{{{{{{{{{{Debbie}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[eskielover]

Sorry it has taken me some time to get back to this post while trying deal with what has been going on with me. I read your responses soon after, have been trying to figure out the thought processes that are going on in my mind. I have also been trying to keep myself soooooo busy that it doesn't allow my mind to travel back to last year almost day by day at this point. I have also upped my meds to make sure that the nightmares don't haunt me.

The start of my issues started with a trigger on a Dr Phil program (don't usually watch that). It was about the girl that was missing in one of the carabbien countries (can't even remember her name or where). They are thinking that she was taken into the sex slavery trade that is huge in that area. Then they were talking about another girl that was in a similar situation.......she had tried to contact someone while on the beach, but the guy she tried to get through to, didn't understand & didn't realize until he saw her missing photo. I have always had the fear of being in a situation & no one will listen to me. Feeling trapped with no way out of the situation & no one listening. That was exactly what happened last year with the RN when I was being accused of abusing my Mother & no one would listen especially the police that were accusing me of it. Luckily it turned out ok for me in that my mother's cognative abilities were still good enough to tell them that everything with me was ok. However they wouldn't even let me say anything about what I had been going through for the past 5 days. When I was told to "shut up & sit down", I had a fear of being put in jail for absolutely nothing with no one to get me out of the situation. It took me awhile after seeing that Dr Phil program to realize that was what triggered my feelings besides it coincided with the dates when it all started last year. I have also done some thinking about finances & the cost of the current psychologist I have been going to. The cost of going to her is just about the same amount that board & training for my horses is going up. I can go back to my previous psychologist now that I better understand what I need to deal with, & it won't cost me anything because he takes medicare as payment in full, rather than it only being 1/2 & having to come up with the other 1/2. Guess that added to the fact that I felt like everytime I was trying to express something, I was interrupting a comment that was being made about the same personal thing that had been said several times. (hard to explain what I heard happening). I called my previous psychologist & he was very glad to have me back as a patient. He has always been kind of father like with me & I had gone to him for over 8 years......so he knows me well. My problem at the beginning of the year was that there was so much going on inside of me that I couldn't even put in into thought or words unless asked questions & he is actually better at listening rather than questioning. There are still so many things going on inside that I can't really define, but will see how it goes.

Sky,
Thank you for your good wishes. I think you hit the nail on the head with the fact that I have been holding things for so long that I am completely overwhelmed. Yes, my critters are good for giving me relief. What they seem to do is put me into a place where I think about them so much & enjoy them so much that I don't allow room in my mind to think of other things. My reading about "horses body language", "how horses think", "how to teach them perfect manners", & "positive horse training", keeps my mind thinking about them even when I'm not around them.....not giving my mind time to think about much else. I know the things are there, but fight letting myself dwell on them, and as long as I don't think about them, they don't bother me until something brings them up.

Tomi,

Sorry I gave you a headache from wracking your brain.....would you like some of my Fentynal for my migraines?.....lol. I appreciate you sharing ideas for me to think through. It always helps me when I can have other thoughts to help me put things into perspective. What you explained about the good & bad days is very similar with me too. Definitely on good days, I am able to listen, retain, & think through what I am told.....& even figure out how it applys......& yes, on bad days, I have a problem even thinking or figuring out what people are trying to say to me. (probably why I haven't responded sooner to this post). Oh yes, you are looking at the "all time control freak". I have always been around guys growing up & in my career. No way could I allow anything out because it would be a sign of weakness. I would have to be pushed & pushed before I would allow any little bit out.....& even then it wasn't all that was in there. I was & probably never will be good at letting a little bit at a time out (even though I agree with you....it is the right way to do it). Hopefully with some time, I will get better at letting things out a little at a time rather than being a pressure cooker that blows its top (like I usually have been). When something doesn't work (like blowing up), I try hard to make the changes necessary to improve, but it does take me some time no matter how much I know what is right.

Yes, I do know how much you care......I appreciate that so much....& you always have so many ideas that are good food for thought & for implementation. I hope you know how much I appreciate you & the responses you provide when I am struggling.

Thank you so much
Debbie