[peridot28]

For everyone who is a survivor of sexual abuse, do you feel like you can’t put your pain and your suffering into words or explain the depth of it? I’m feeling at a loss at how to completely relay my pain to my T. She totally hears it and knows my pain, but in my own eyes I feel like I’m not voicing to her the intensity of it. She wants to hear it all and assures me it’s not too much for her to handle. *I’m frustrated with myself, because I hide behind my smile and my happy façade, and I think it throws people off to how much pain I’m in. I feel so sad and so despondent.

I’m motherless and fatherless, even though both of my parents are alive. Neither one of them called me on my birthday. I was worthless as their child, and I’m still worthless to them, but I don’t desire a relationship with them, so I guess I got what I wanted. But, it still feels bad to know that neither one of your parents even made the effort. I feel so alone in the world, even though I have many people in my life that I know love me. I feel like I will always be stuck in this pain and my heart is destined to be forever broken.

I’m in a world of hurt and grief right now, and I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like a dirty castoff and that I’m not worth anything. In my life, I don’t want anyone to ever feel like I’m having a pity party, so I don’t usually share how bad I feel with anyone and no one ever suspects that I’m hurting.

I did journal and draw today and will bring it to my session on Thursday, but I hope I can really relay the depth of my pain the way I feel it and not present it packaged up in a pretty box with a bow like I usually try to do.

Please help me to see that there is a way to expressing the pain and then there is also a way out of it, as well. Any hugs you can spare would be great, too.

[granite1]

i have many hugs i can spare.as far as how to express the pain you are in that is a bit more dificult.i have a real hard time doing it and doubt i would be much help.i guess the trick is you have to keep at it over and over again untill it feels right.i'm sure it must be kind of differnt with everyone.

i sure know about feeling parentless.but someone once told me you can not choose your parents but you can sure choose your family.i didnt talk to any of my parents or biological family for many many years.i felt alone and desprate for a family.it was when i felt that the people i choose to have in my life were truely my family and not the people that were forced on me did i feel less alone.the friends i choose to have close to me.and the people who chose to be in my life are very dear to me and i truely consiter them in my heart to be my family.

sorry youare hurting so much .just keep on talking about it i bet your T gets the pain you are in more than you think

[wheeler]

I can certainly 'feel' your pain in your post, although I can only try to imagine how this has affected your life.

Just keep talking, and talking. Your T is there for you, at your own pace.

[WePow]

Sending you TONS of very safe hugs. I do understand what it is like to be an emotional orphan. The loss is theirs though. You are very wonderful.

((((((((Peridot))))))))

Ugh, I SO get this.

Oddly, it really helped me to watch the Oprah show with 200 male survivors of CSA in her audience (I don't even watch oprah, but T told me it was going to be on). It was like...there was this WHOLE ROOMFUL of people who "got it". And I didn't feel alone. I felt like my pain and my reactions and my feelings and my fears and my struggle to heal were all just normal reactions to an abnormal situation. I felt like my pain wasn't the biggest pain in the world...like there were other people who really, really, really, really could understand.

I really wish there was a support group around here, because I feel like I need that validation. T works a LOT with people who have been through CSA, both in our town and around the country, but I *still* feel like he doesn't REALLY "get" it.

It hurts and it's hard.

Hurting is not having a "pity party". Your feelings are real and valid and important, and YOU are real and valid and important.

Lots of safe hugs to you.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( safe hugs ))))

I am still not "there" in my progress with T and handling the CSA and SA in my life. A lot of it, for me, I believe is building the trust and safety that I need in order to really let go and be vulnerable with my feelings. I spent my whole life in protection mode....so it's very very difficult to access those core feelings and allow them to come to the surface.

Peridot28, my friend, you are worthwhile!

i don't think t ever really got the pain i was in while dealing with the csa. there was a part of me that was very angry because he just could not understand the struggle or the pain. He could show empathy and compassion.... and he did

then, there was the other part of me that was glad t couldn't completely understand all the pain because it meant that he had never been a victim and if just one person is spared this nightmare i am glad

i hope this helps and makes some sort of sense! Please be safe
sending tons and tons of safe hugs!

[*doodles*]

Yeah, I get this...
Although I think in my situation, my T does get it. She has shared that she has been through CSA, so there is alot of unspoken understanding of pain, if that makes sense. But no, I really don't think there are words that really relay the kind of pain that's there. You are not worthless. And lots of hugs to you!!!

[dizgirl2011]

Hey Peridot28,

It is completely understandable that you are feeling a lot of pain, or maybe more accurately -agony. you have been through so much. I don't think anyone could possibily think you are having a "pity party", I certainly don't believe this and I don't think your T does either. Many people, especially therapists know that many people wear a mask to cover up their pain, it's a coping mechanism but it doesn't mean the person isn't in extreme pain. You say that you feel your therapist is hearing everything you say and knows your pain, what is it that makes you feel she doesn't think your pain is intense or that what you suffered was intense and traumatic?
I understand that sometimes when we tell our stories that it can sometimes sound like just that, " a story" and we really want the person we are telling to understand just how bad something felt, so that they know we aren't just making something out of nothing. And just because you don't cry infront of your T, doesn't mean you aren't hurting or that you aren't crying an ocean inside.She knows this.CSA is a something no child should go through and it was not your fault.

What would it feel like to say to your T - I am worried that the intensity of the pain I feel is disregarded because I put on a happy face to the outside world?
I think the best way to express the pain is to start of by telling her just how hard it is to even do that. It's not easy opening up about something so painful. Maybe your T could help in some way?

I want to say that to have gone to T in the first place and to have told your T what you have been through is very courageous and shows an inner strength. This is not worthless, this is inspiring.

I can only imagine how awful it felt to have the two people who should be there to love and protect you, hurt you by ignoring your importance but that does not mean you are not important, it means they failed you. This is not your fault. I don't think you "got what you wanted" by not having a relationship with your parents; because what you really want is to have always had loving parents who were there for you and continued to be.

Can you say who the people are in your life that you know love you?
Those people see someone they think a lot of, they see the beautiful person you are.

*huge hugs*

[elliemay]

"If we knew each others secrets, what comfort we would find" .... or something like that.

I hear you when it is hard to communicate the depth of the pain you feel. It's almost an undifferentiated pain that defies words.

I have found that it can be uncomfortable, yet all too human, for people to try to even tap into that level of pain being experienced by another. It taps into a deep fear within themselves. Understandable, but isolating.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Just wanting to offer you some (((((Safe Hugs!)))))

Peridot
You are worth more than you'll ever realize. Though we don't know each other, your post could have easily been mine. I hear you.

[peridot28]

Originally Posted by granite1

i have many hugs i can spare.as far as how to express the pain you are in that is a bit more dificult.i have a real hard time doing it and doubt i would be much help.i guess the trick is you have to keep at it over and over again untill it feels right.i'm sure it must be kind of differnt with everyone.

i sure know about feeling parentless.but someone once told me you can not choose your parents but you can sure choose your family.i didnt talk to any of my parents or biological family for many many years.i felt alone and desprate for a family.it was when i felt that the people i choose to have in my life were truely my family and not the people that were forced on me did i feel less alone.the friends i choose to have close to me.and the people who chose to be in my life are very dear to me and i truely consiter them in my heart to be my family.

sorry youare hurting so much .just keep on talking about it i bet your T gets the pain you are in more than you think

granite, thank you. You're right. My T said that I need to tell her and tell her again and talk about things as much as I need to. I don't seem to be able to talk about it once and be done with. I feel better after I talk about it, dissect it, and then talk about how to make it better.

I have a lot of friends who are my family and I need to stay focused on their love for me. Thank you for that reminder, sweet granite.

Originally Posted by wheeler

I can certainly 'feel' your pain in your post, although I can only try to imagine how this has affected your life.

Just keep talking, and talking. Your T is there for you, at your own pace.

Thank you, wheeler. It's nice to have someone say they feel my pain. It makes me feel like I'm not alone in how I feel and validated.

Originally Posted by WePow

Sending you TONS of very safe hugs. I do understand what it is like to be an emotional orphan. The loss is theirs though. You are very wonderful.

Thank you, WePow! I'm tucking some of your hugs in my pocket. They mean a lot. You are wonderful, too. Your art therapy is inspring. Please keep sharing them.

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((Peridot))))))))

Ugh, I SO get this.

Oddly, it really helped me to watch the Oprah show with 200 male survivors of CSA in her audience (I don't even watch oprah, but T told me it was going to be on). It was like...there was this WHOLE ROOMFUL of people who "got it". And I didn't feel alone. I felt like my pain and my reactions and my feelings and my fears and my struggle to heal were all just normal reactions to an abnormal situation. I felt like my pain wasn't the biggest pain in the world...like there were other people who really, really, really, really could understand.

I really wish there was a support group around here, because I feel like I need that validation. T works a LOT with people who have been through CSA, both in our town and around the country, but I *still* feel like he doesn't REALLY "get" it.

It hurts and it's hard.

Hurting is not having a "pity party". Your feelings are real and valid and important, and YOU are real and valid and important.

Lots of safe hugs to you.

Thank you, tree! I hate that I missed that episode of Oprah. I was told by a lot of people that I should have seen it. I wonder if I can find it online. Oh my gosh, to have a roomful of people who know what this feels like must have been an amazing feeling.

There is an agency here that has been trying to get a survivors' support group together, but there hasn't been any progress lately. I called a couple of days ago to check on it and I haven't heard anything back. Hopefully, I can find one soon. It would be such an amazing feeling to be in a room of people who "get it".

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

(((( safe hugs ))))

I am still not "there" in my progress with T and handling the CSA and SA in my life. A lot of it, for me, I believe is building the trust and safety that I need in order to really let go and be vulnerable with my feelings. I spent my whole life in protection mode....so it's very very difficult to access those core feelings and allow them to come to the surface.

Oh my gosh, MUE! I am going to print out your post and take it with me to therapy tomorrow. You summed it up in a way that makes sense and that says what I feel. Thank you for that. I trust my T and she provides a safe environment for me, but I still don't know if I trust that she can handle my feelings and all of my "stuff." She says she can, but in the back of mind I keep wanting to tell her, "You just think you can, but what if you can't?"

Originally Posted by jbmomg

Peridot28, my friend, you are worthwhile!

i don't think t ever really got the pain i was in while dealing with the csa. there was a part of me that was very angry because he just could not understand the struggle or the pain. He could show empathy and compassion.... and he did

then, there was the other part of me that was glad t couldn't completely understand all the pain because it meant that he had never been a victim and if just one person is spared this nightmare i am glad

i hope this helps and makes some sort of sense! Please be safe
sending tons and tons of safe hugs!

Thank you, jbmomg! As much as my T expresses that she hears my pain, she does say she doesn't understand it like I understand it because I experienced it and she didn't. But, she wants me to express it to her as best as I can so that she can help me. She does say she feels empathy and anger for what happened to me. I wish I could open my mind like a door and let her see inside.

Originally Posted by doodle3609

Yeah, I get this...
Although I think in my situation, my T does get it. She has shared that she has been through CSA, so there is alot of unspoken understanding of pain, if that makes sense. But no, I really don't think there are words that really relay the kind of pain that's there. You are not worthless. And lots of hugs to you!!!

Thank you, doodle! Although I hate that your T went through CSA I bet it feels so validating to have her understand.

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Hey Peridot28,

It is completely understandable that you are feeling a lot of pain, or maybe more accurately -agony. you have been through so much. I don't think anyone could possibily think you are having a "pity party", I certainly don't believe this and I don't think your T does either. Many people, especially therapists know that many people wear a mask to cover up their pain, it's a coping mechanism but it doesn't mean the person isn't in extreme pain. You say that you feel your therapist is hearing everything you say and knows your pain, what is it that makes you feel she doesn't think your pain is intense or that what you suffered was intense and traumatic?
I understand that sometimes when we tell our stories that it can sometimes sound like just that, " a story" and we really want the person we are telling to understand just how bad something felt, so that they know we aren't just making something out of nothing. And just because you don't cry infront of your T, doesn't mean you aren't hurting or that you aren't crying an ocean inside.She knows this.CSA is a something no child should go through and it was not your fault.

What would it feel like to say to your T - I am worried that the intensity of the pain I feel is disregarded because I put on a happy face to the outside world?
I think the best way to express the pain is to start of by telling her just how hard it is to even do that. It's not easy opening up about something so painful. Maybe your T could help in some way?

I want to say that to have gone to T in the first place and to have told your T what you have been through is very courageous and shows an inner strength. This is not worthless, this is inspiring.

I can only imagine how awful it felt to have the two people who should be there to love and protect you, hurt you by ignoring your importance but that does not mean you are not important, it means they failed you. This is not your fault. I don't think you "got what you wanted" by not having a relationship with your parents; because what you really want is to have always had loving parents who were there for you and continued to be.

Can you say who the people are in your life that you know love you?
Those people see someone they think a lot of, they see the beautiful person you are.

*huge hugs*

Thank you, dizgirl! Agony is the perfect word. I'm taking that word with me to T tomorrow, too. It describes my feelings well. I think I'm the one who thinks people see a "pity party" when in reality they see someone they love hurting and all they want to do is be there for me and love me, but I feel so unworthy of it.

My T does get that it was intense and traumatic, but I have even more intense stuff inside than I'm allowing her to see, because I don't know how to show it to her or express it to her. I told her I didn't feel like I was doing a good job at expressing my pain to her and she said that I was doing a very good job. It's like I'm showing her the color lavender, but on the inside I feel deep purple. Does that make sense? Oooh, I'm going to draw that and show it to her.

dizgirl, thank you for everything you've said. You are very wise. I'm going to bring your post with me to therapy tomorrow, too. It's nice to have someone else's view and perspective when you're just stuck in your own head all the time like I am.

Originally Posted by elliemay

"If we knew each others secrets, what comfort we would find" .... or something like that.

I hear you when it is hard to communicate the depth of the pain you feel. It's almost an undifferentiated pain that defies words.

I have found that it can be uncomfortable, yet all too human, for people to try to even tap into that level of pain being experienced by another. It taps into a deep fear within themselves. Understandable, but isolating.

Wow, elliemay, is all I can say to your post. Yep, your post is coming along with me tomorrow, as well. Thank you! I think someone needs to compile a PC book of wisdom, because you guys are so smart and understanding.

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Just wanting to offer you some (((((Safe Hugs!)))))

Thank you Cats, your hugs are always so comforting.

Originally Posted by Calista+12

Peridot
You are worth more than you'll ever realize. Though we don't know each other, your post could have easily been mine. I hear you.

Thank you for hearing me, Calista! We can support each other.

Yes... I understand what you mean.
I am really really so sorry you were hurt.
I know my T gets it... but yah, sometimes words are not enough...we try to draw pictures, do art, etc, but we also end up cutting sometimes which is not a good option but sometimes its the only thing that seems to get across "see how much this hurts?"