how to explain loneliness

I always find it interesting to read the posts on this sub-forum. A lot of feelings/reactions people have on here in therapy are exactly the same as mine and it is helpful to know that!

I wondered what people do when they feel lonely? I mean lonely inside yourself not just lonely because there is no one around. I find this issue one of the hardest to cope with. I say this over and over in therapy - 'i feel alone' - my therapist always nods and sometimes points out that I'm not as alone as I used to be before therapy. Problem is, although this is true in that I now have someone to talk to, it often makes me feels as though she is missing the point and sometimes I feel even more lonely and angry. I feel as though I need a different word for lonely. She is great at validating my feelings but I really need to get her to understand this gaping emptiness I feel inside.

Honestly I'm running out of words. I've used empty, lonely, gaping hole, abyss, void, nothingness..... May be the issue is that I don't know what is missing......

I would appreciate any advice.

How about "aloneness"? I use that a lot in therapy. I know I'm lonely and would like people in my life, some close friendships with people I enjoy being with and who share interests.

But I also am more aware of my separateness. That I am separate, as we all are separate. I would still be separate even if surrounded by people I love. That is aloneness to me. And I think it is about becoming aware that of our self, that stands alone and is separate from others. Aloneness is being aware that I am me no matter where I am, who I am with, my social situation, my financial status, my achievements and losses. At the center is me. That can be powerful and calming as well as frightening, and I trust it will grow to be more of a good thing as I grow in therapy.

I also think there is something developmental about it. That we feel an aloneness that is about feeling small and inept and a powerless part of the world, as the very young can feel.

I hope you can know that your therapist understands and also knows that it is the process of therapy that helps us to find what that gaping hole is about.

Thank you for your reply. If I use the word aloneness how exactly would I put it in a sentence? I already say I feel alone, do you think that if I say I feel seperated aloneness instead, that is a better way of conveying how I feel and I would feel more understood?

I'm not really sure what you mean by 'it is the process of therapy that helps us to find what the gaping hole is about', - does that mean there is a reason for the gaping hole? Is it important to find out why I feel this way because everything is always so complicated with me in therapy and it wouldn't surprise me if there aren't any concrete reason behind my feelings!

I have to admit I don't find feeling alone powerful or calming. I can understand what you mean though. I imagine if you have a strong sense of self you don't rely on others to make you feel better....which they can never do unfortunately!

Well, I think the gap is truly a gap - between what we would like our life to be like, and what we feel our life IS like. I have had many dreams about gaps, about being on one side of a great divide and wanting to/needing to get to the other side, but its immense and deep and in my dreams I feel hopeless, frustrated, but still wanting to get across.

I also think there are gaps because we missed things, developmentally. Feeling validated, feeling heard, being seen, our own little selves being allowed and encouraged to grow and explore, to wander off to explore yet know it is okay and that the safe base will be waiting in our primary caregiver/s. There are things we all need and I think of some of those things are not provided, or are inadequately provided, then it leaves gaps. I think the process of therapy that includes being validated, encouraged to explore, encouraged to allow ourselves to be seen and heard, provided with a safe base - helps fill that gap enough so that we can go out in the world and find more relationships that are kind and encouraging and fulfilling.

How to use the word aloneness in a sentence? I tell my therapist that when I'm aware of my aloneness, it can feel like the floor has dropped right out from under me. I tell her what it is like, what it feels like. It leads to talking about other things, things that happen before I feel the aloneness, or what relieves the feelings, or when it feels okay and when it doesn't.

All that said, when you tell your therapist about feeling lonely and what that is like, and notice when it happens, and notice when it is relieved or goes away - in the discussion about it, is there a response from her that you are wanting but not getting from her? Are you feeling like she isn't 'getting' it? You say she is missing the point. Can you tell her this and tell her what you mean by it?

I have told my therapist about meltdowns I've had, or times of very intense emotions. Several of those times I asked for an additional session, and/or called her between sessions. We've talked about it and she's referred to it, and she was helpful during it, but I always feel frustrated that I can't seem to explain it right because it feels like she is minimizing how it is when she rephrases or refers to it. I've sat there with clenched fists saying "I just can't explain it right!". We talked about it again recently so at least now she knows that I feel like I'm not getting my point across to her, that she isn't fully appreciating how hard and painful and intense it is for me. Probably she does, but I think there must be some expecation there that I have, but that I'm not aware of yet. Expectations are exceptionally hard for me to grasp that I have.

So, how would you like the session to go, where you talk about loneliness and she get's it? What do you say? What does she say? Does she comfort you? Reassure you? Do you imagine that she has a solution, but isn't sharing that with you ? (okay, I'm projecting here because that is something I do.)

(((((Abby)))))))))

I so understand this. For me, it is the feeling of being lonely even when I am in the middle of people I love and who love me. It is like a dark cloud that follows me everywhere I go. It is a gaping hole, an abyss inside of me. It gets filled when I go to therapy and sometimes on other occasions, but once I leave, it starts leaking again and I have to really work to keep it from running empty.

For me, the reason behind it is depression and anxiety(which I will always struggle with) and some other unknown reason yet to be discovered. You asked this.......

"I'm not really sure what you mean by 'it is the process of therapy that helps us to find what the gaping hole is about', - does that mean there is a reason for the gaping hole? Is it important to find out why I feel this way because everything is always so complicated with me in therapy and it wouldn't surprise me if there aren't any concrete reason behind my feelings! "

My answer is...........do you find this hole is filled when you are in therapy? Even partially? Because if it is filled there, then I hope and believe, at least for me.........that I can find a way in time to fill that away from therapy. On my own. I believe there is always a reason behind our feelings. I will have to deal with an element of the always leaking bucket of loneliness for the rest of my life, but I do know from therapy that it can be better than it is. Our feelings are like symptoms of a disease sometimes............the feelings are speaking for something deeper, and hopefully therapy can help you find that. I firmly believe there are reasons for everything, even feelings. It may be in your subconscious, it may be hard to pinpoint, but just the fact that it is bothering you says to me that it, whatever IT is, wants to be heard. I hope this helps.

I just say that I feel.. a profound emptiness...

Echoes thank you so much again for replying. There is so much in your post I identified with and it means so much to have someone who 'gets it'.

It is so strange that you mentioned you dream about gaps. I had an intense dream the other day about climbing a huge rocky cliff and needing to jump across from one edge to another. It's strange because I knew the gap was small enough to jump across but I still couldn't do it because I was too scared.

I understand that concept of not feeling heard and a lot of my issues are around this and not having the right words in order to be heard. The developmental aspect is something we have touched on in therapy a few times but I have a hard time reconciling myself with because it seems to be so blaming even though she says it isn't about that at all......I understand what you mean about the process of therapy now, I never really could make it a straight line in my head until I read what you wrote. It makes a lot of sense.

I liked your description of how you feels when you feel alone. For me it feels like I don't exist and everything feels so far away from me. It's like I've shrunk like Alice in Wonderland. I'm not sure what response I want from my therapist. I often say I want to feel whole...and I guess my ultimate response would be one that even if for a milli-second allows me to feel that way. In my head I would want her to give me a circle but I'm not sure what that means in non-visual terms. Do you have any ideas? When I'm angry I often think she's maliciously holding back the solution for me, I think that is natural when you feel really desperate. Thanks so much again for your post.

Swimmergirl - thankyou for your reply. I'm not sure if I feel the hole is filled even partially but perhaps it is plugged or at least at times I am able to forget about it for a bit so that is very helpful. I think you are right, I think something wants to be heard, I wish it would hurry up and identify itself though because I'm sure it isn't nearly as dramatic and awful as it makes me feel and likely thinks it is! I don't want to feel alone anymore.

Crash&burn - I have said that often too. Emptiness. How can you describe a nothing adequately....

I say I feel disconnected, like I'm an alien from another planet.
I also say I feel different from other people and isolated.

God is it frustrating when things are lost on our T's. If my T said that about my loneliness ("you are less alone now, since you're in therapy") I would feel like she was brushing it aside. It is possible that your loneliness is painful for your therapist -- she may be trying to reassure you because it is difficult for her to know how much pain you are in.

Next time you might say, "I really want to reconnect with people and stop feeling so alone." And maybe then she will get it and provide some help?

I understand and can relate. I find music really helpful for soothing this (making it). Maybe you could find some form for expressing your thoughts in like a journal or something you are gifted at, and use that to convey loneliness? Just thinking aloud here... For me loneliness is the pain of not being understood and art can really help bridge that gap, though not totally.

When a person has space to be with themselves, they have to face the truth inside. That can be very hard to do. It takes a lot of grace.

Learning how to be alone without being lonely is a skill.

Hey there,

Perhaps you could tell your therapist - "I know I have spoken about this before but I don't feel I am really getting across the extent of my true feelings when it comes to feeling alone. I know physically I am not alone and I am very grateful to have you to talk to but the majority of the time It scares me just how seprate I feel from the world around me...."

maybe something like that...where you are saying that you understand where she is coming from and you have heard all her previous responses but you don't feel completely understood at this time??

xxx

I personally think that there are two kinds of loneliness - existential and perceived.

Existential loneliness, to me, is the kind of loneliness in all of us; the, we are born alone and die alone, type thing.

Perceived loneliness is another animal entirely.

I'm going out on a limb here and positing the idea that your therapist likely "gets" the aloneless you are feeling, at least on some level. I suspect that her responses are trying to gauge how responsive you are to filling that hole, at least in part with therapy.

I remember a while back in my therapy feeling the same way that you do right now. Totally utterly alone, walking the hard road by myself.

It's hard to say what happened, but a gradual, then evident sea change in my thinking and feeling occurred. I realized that my therapist was on this road with me. No he could not fill up all that emptiness, but he could walk next to me on the road.

It's like I shifted from "me" to "we" in my recovery.

Yes, I had to walk this road, but I had a fellow traveler.

I don't know exactly what changed in me. Perhaps a lessening of fear of letting someone be that close to me, or perhaps I lost the notion that, like everything else (in my mind) I had to do this alone (I don't), or perhaps I just slowly, like a feral cat, began to accept and tolerate another person in that close proximity - "okay he's not going away, going to have to readjust what I think about things here".

I suspect it's a combination of those things.

Bottom line I guess, is right now you feel the way you feel and that's okay. I think if you stick it out in therapy, it will likely change.

I've also found that once I let one person walk with me, a whole bunch of others have shown up as well.

Crazy how that works....

Thankyou all for your replies, they mean a lot to me.

Jexa - I've used the alien explanation myself too, although if I over think it I start getting paranoid! You're absolutely right, I think it does feel as though she's brushing it aside but yeh she likely is trying to offer me some hope. She definately cares, she says 'i hold you in mind' but i've no real concept of what that is like....I get what she is saying intellectually but not emotionally. I will try saying what you suggested, thank you so much.

Lastyearisblank - I am not especially talented at anything, and I've never been the creative type. I do think that if I lost my fears of what I drew being graded like at school then it'd be something that would help. I bought a pad of paper and basic crayons the other day just in case. Thank you for saying 'loneliness is the pain of not being understood' - I think this makes a lot of sense and resonates with me.

WePow - Self-acceptance feels impossible. I am not a big fan of me. May be therapy can help that with time.

Dizgirl2011 - good suggestion of what to say, thank you. I think that is a good way to address how I feel and by incorporating what she always says, hopefully I'll get a new reply!

Elliemay - Thank you for your ideas. I think my therapist does get how I feel on one level but not the horrific extent of it. It is really interesting what you say about walking alone vs walking together because that is an analogy that my therapist uses too. She says she's walking beside me but it really doesn't feel that way at times, mainly because she leaves and I can't imagine her being there when she's not! The suggestions of changes you had that got you from feeling alone to not so alone are likely pretty key. They are all issues for me that I'm working on. Slowly I'm coming around to the idea that my therapist is really consistant in what she says and does, that makes me feel safe. May be the next step is holding onto that.... I love that once one person walks with you a dozen others turn up...that would be my heaven!

this is a recurring topic for me in therapy. I struggle a lot with what I like to call "come here, but stay away". I am a big introvert. I often feel genuinely lonely, but at the same time I love my solitude.