Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,


I've noticed that within the past month, that oversized pillow on your couch has disappeared - the one with the tiny mirrors sewn into it - the one I used to look at and desperately wish I could hide behind.

I dare not ask you what happened to it, just in case your favorite client (whom I know I can never be) asked to take it home, and you said yes.

SAWE

This was her response to the letter I sent in post #321 on this thread. I am so happy! This just shows that we CAN tell our therapists things that are hard to say and the world won't come to an end!

Squiggle,

That was progress! Asking for what you need. I think that shows how far you have come in recognizing your thoughts (positive and negative) and actually articulating your needs and wants. Good job!

I truly appreciate the letter you gave me. It was very nice to have someone acknowledge how I contributed to their journey to being healthy. I sincerely want you to reach your therapy goals even when you are ready to give up. It helps encourage me to know you are finding your way to who you want to be. Thank you for writing down your thoughts and having the courage to share them. That meant a lot to me and I appreciate the letter.

Thank you.

Therapist

Dear T, first, thank you for returning my call. That really helps with the trust.

thank you for saying i am tender-hearted.

and one person said yes, i was tender-hearted cause i am like his mom and the other person said no, because he has never seen me cry. that hurt. so right now 50~50 split. Three more people to ask. it is sooo hard.

i am glad you keep saying to come in weekly. that makes me feel okay about calling and asking for an appt. you have no idea how much it helps

I'm so afraid that you won't be able to help me either, just like the other Ts. They helped some, but I can't get to the root of the need to attach so strongly to someone like you. I want to solve it!! So badly. I don't just want to put a band-aid on it. I want to REALLY put you into perspective and not have you be so important.

I have issues to work on: my brother, the physical stuff, shame, social issues, death fears, self-esteem, and so on. I want to work on those, but the issue of my feelings for you overpowers them all. Am I deceiving myself that you can help me? Am I just going to have to live forever with being in love with one T after another? WHY can't you help me more? WHY? I'm getting frustrated--or am I finally getting to the root cause? Working on my marriage has triggered something major! I'm falling apart. I need you to be there for me. I want us to figure this out together, PLEASE.

Dear T,

I love you. I love your generosity, your warmth, and your kindness. I love the moments when I allow myself to be vulnerable and I feel seen by you. I appreciate how tender you are with me in these moments. You treat my emotions, my memories and my desires with gentleness and respect. You put your attention on me and listen patiently as I tell you things I’ve never told anyone before. Not only do you listen, but you go there with me. You inhabit that space with me. You make me feel that, no matter what, you are always on my side. I have your unconditional positive regard and there is nothing I could ever do to change that.

Not only do I let you in, but you let me in as well. The consideration and affection you have for me feels genuine. Each week, you are happy to see me, you are interested in what I have to share, and you desire nothing but the best for me. While you’ve never explicitly said that you care for me, I know that you do. I know you care because I can feel it from you. I can see your facial expressions change in response to my emotions. When I’m sad, I can see your eyes get red around the edges and when I’m happy, I can see you smile and you act giddy with me.

I don’t think you understand how much your caring and consistency truly mean to me. Simply by following through on the commitments you make— keeping our appointments, returning phone calls, saying you will do something and then actually DOING it— you have proven to me that it’s “safe” to place my trust in you. I can trust you to keep your word. You’re perhaps the first person I’ve ever felt this way about. You’re the first person who hasn’t let me down. You’re the first person with whom I’ve ever had a secure attachment. With you, I’m learning what it means to trust another human being.

I used to feel guilty about having such strong feelings for you. But when I told you about my attachment and how I fear I can be too “intense” sometimes, you didn’t pull away. Instead, you shrugged and said “I’m intense, too.” It was the best thing you could have said. It demonstrated that not only are you able to receive my love, my respect and my appreciation, but you welcome them. In fact, you’ve felt these emotions yourself— for your clients and for your own therapists. This became more evident during the session in which I gave you a letter explaining the maternal feelings I have for you. I was afraid that my letter would be “too much” and you would create distance between us. But you didn’t. Instead, you said you found my letter endearing and, after reading it, you felt more connected to me as well. The way you said that made it seem like it was the most natural thing in the world. In fact, maybe it is the most natural thing in the world—to give and receive love. The kind of sweet, unassuming love that we give without asking anything in return. The kind of love that just flows from developing a simple, heartfelt connection with another human being. So, T, if I haven’t said it already: thank-you. Thank-you for simply being you and for making a difference in my life. I love the person that you are, and I love the bond that I have with you. I think the world is a better place because you are in it and I will never forget all of the intangible things you have given me, even after our sessions come to an end.

Love,
ScorpioSis
xoxoxox

ScorpioSis, That has got to be one of the most touching letters I have ever read. Thank you for allowing me to share in that with you. It speaks loud and clear the way that many of us feel about our therapists. I hope that you will actually allow her to read this one.

Scorpiosis37, I loved the letter, loved it! I feel the same way toward my T and I could empathize with every word!

ScorpioSis, I loved your absolutely beautiful letter too! Did you or are you going to send it to your T?

Dear T,

I am planning to bring a letter to read to you on Monday. It is going to be very emotional about how I feel about you and what you have done for me. I would really like it if you teared up and maybe even needed a tissue.

Will you do that for me?

Squiggle

Dear T,
I told you that I'll be okay moving away from you but I know that I won't be. I am going to miss your safe and comforting embrace, holding your hands, and resting my head on your chest. I am going to fall apart COMPLETELY and all the work that we have done will be undone. I hate myself for leaving the only person who has truly loved me.
Crazy

Dear pdoc,

I'm spending this weekend trying to figure out the all important "therapeutic relationship" and how it's meant to help me. I really have NFI what it's meant to do.

Sincerely,

F

Dear T -

I am having a difficult day, yet I don't feel comfortable calling you. I'm way more of a mess than I'm letting on, and I don't know how to be completely honest with you. I like you a LOT, and I don't want you to know how much I'm struggling. If you knew, you wouldn't like me as much.

See you in three weeks.

-winter

Dear T,

I hope that you bought more tissue for your office. Last time I cried you didn't have any! I think I may cry tomorrow during our session, so will you please make sure you have some in your office?

Thanks,

Squiggle

Dear T,

You are a school counselor... You see people for a few sessions, not sporadically over a 1.5 year period.
I don't get any support with anyone but you. You've snapped at me once, and were visibly frustrated with me on multiple occasions.
I'm sincerely just waiting for you to say, "I give up," just so I could give up too.
I really want to give up. I know you're really close to. When I realised that, I scrambled to hold on. Please... Don't let go yet.

Sincerely,
crash

Dear T,
Thank you for being so warm, patient, kind and understanding when I saw you on Friday after your two week vacation. Thank you for letting me read the letters I wrote to various counseling organizations on your behalf stating what an incredible therapist you are and how you have touched my life. You are always there for me and I know how much you care about me. You are my hero.

I don't need anyone, I don't need anyone, I don't need anyone!
Did I do something wrong? are you angry with me?

Thank-you Rainbow, Squiggle, and Vaffla for the nice comments about my T letter! It feels so good to have what I wrote acknowledged and appreciated. It helps to know that others feel similarly about their Ts.

As for whether I would let T read the letter... I don't think so. I feel like it's just "too much." I'm afraid it would be too awkward to give her a typed-up letter that basically says "T, I love you THHHHIIIIIIISSSS much!" I've given her other things to read that mention our relationship, so she already has some understanding of the way I feel about her. I just don't want to overwhelm her. Our relationship is really good right now and I don't want to risk "****ing it up." Even though she's told me it's okay to feel attached and it's okay to be a little intense-- I still worry about pushing too hard and ultimately pushing her away.

However, I would like to try and have this conversation VERBALLY next session. I'm good at expressing my feelings and gratitude via writing, but it's incredibly difficult for me to do so verbally (not just with T, but with everyone in my life) . I find it difficult because the possibility of rejection is higher and more immediate, and I have to actually SEE THEIR FACE as I tell them how much they mean to me. Thus, it's something I avoid like the plague. My T has never discouraged me from expressing my emotions via writing, but she has encouraged me to be more expressive about my feelings in the moment. She's noticed that when I give her something I've written, it often makes reference to a moment in session when something came up for me, but I didn't express it at the time. Thus, she encourages me to bring those things up as they arise, rather than wait until later. Thus, I would like to try and tell her VERBALLY how much I appreciate her. It won't be as eloquent as the letter I wrote here on PC, but I think it might mean more to her (if I can actually get it out, that is!) Overall, I would like to tell her that I appreciate her. I am grateful for her consistency, for demonstrating to me that it is safe to trust her and for teaching me how to trust by being the first "adult" who hasn't let me down and with whom I've built a secure attachment. I'd like to thank her for the way she has gently handled (even welcomed) my maternal feelings for her, the way she has been tender and caring with me when dealing with sensitive topics, like body issues. I'd like to tell her how much I appreciate her willingness to answer personal questions when I ask them and her willingness to be open and honest with me. I'd like to tell her that I'm not sure if she's ever worried that her answers might change the way I relate to her or feel about her (i.e. if her views/experiences/beliefs are different from mine)-- but I'd like to assure her that they wouldn't. I've actually learned a lot from discovering our differences and from being introduced to perspectives different from my own, and there is nothing she could say or do that would change how much I respect her and love her. I'd also like to bring up the topic of "love" in therapy. While the therapy relationship is clearly different from the relationships you have with friends and family, I don't think the feelings of love and caring that arise are all that different. There isn't a model (on TV, in greeting cards, etc) that teaches you what the therapy relationship is supposed to look like or how you're supposed to feel about your therapist. I've been in therapy for awhile now, and I still don't think I can pinpoint what the therapist-client relationship IS. I just know that I love and appreciate my T. Sometimes, I feel "guilty" about this because of the one-sided nature of the relationship. But on a more philosophical level, I don't think anyone should ever feel guilty for loving and caring about another person. I don't know if I could ever say this so explicitly TO my T, but if I could, I'd like to ask her honest response/perspective on this. Also, because the T relationship is so one-sided, I feel like she does so much for me, and I do nothing for her. With friends and family, when they do something nice for you, you do something nice for them in return. It doesn't work that way in T, which often leaves me feeling like I don't know how to express my feelings or my gratitude. I guess I feel like the only thing I can "give" to my T is my "thank-you" which, for me, boils down to verbally explaining to her what I feel she's given to me and how much it has meant to me and the ways in which it has affected my life. But, at the same time, I don't know if a sappy, emotional statement from a client is something she wants. I worry that it could make her feel uncomfortable, rather than touched. But I would still like to do it. I just don't know if I will have the courage to do it in the moment.

Your previous letter sparked me to write a similar letter to my therapist. A real 'sappy' one! I am going to force myself to read it in front of her. I am sure that I will cry and it may take me awhile to get through it, but I feel that this is something I need to do.

I have feared the therapeutic relationship long enough (one year). It is time for me to accept it for what it is and not be afraid of it. I have no doubt that my therapist will be overjoyed that I am going to face my fear and do this.

I feel that this is going to be a pivital turning point for me in therapy. I am scared out of my pants about doing this. I have already sent her an email and given her a heads up that I want to read something to her. I can't get out of it now!

BTW~ you do write beautifully!

Dear T,

Thank you for responding to my email today and assuring me that you will have tissue in your office tomorrow!

Squiggle

scorpiosis: I understand exactly where you're coming from. I've emailed my T beautiful emails about "the blanket of love" she gave me, and I've written poems that express my feelings for her. But, in the session when I want to tell it to her directly, I blush and can barely get the words out. It's worth it, though, and I am sure your T will appreciate your telling her, or writing it to her, or both! Last session I did tell my T how I love to look into her eyes and afterward I felt so embarrassed. But she wrote that she's glad I'm so honest with my feelings. I'm sure your T will be happy too.

I can relate so much to the above! I don't know what the T-client relationship is either, but I know it certainly feels like love on my end. On hers, it's different. She said she cares about me and has a special place in her heart for me, but she said it wouldn't be genuine to say "I love you" to me. I think Ts give us love but don't necessarily love us. It's confusing!

Good luck in expressing your feelings to your T. I think she will be touched, and not uncomfortable.

dear t. i see you on wed or thursday. i didn't feel too connected last session and really don't know why you would want to have to talk to me every week. and your experiment failed so i failed. i am not tender hearted. i asked three people one said yes, and the other two said no. i didn't have the courage to ask two more. i knew you were wrong. i am not who you think i am. i am much much worse. please don't hate me again and please be gentle and calm when i come back thank you

Dear T,

I'm going to miss you next week but I have a lot planned and I am determined to live in the moment and to find some peace, calm, and connection like you want me to do.

Dear T,

I don't know what to think of your email this morning. I know that things come up but this has really gotten me messed up. I had such an emotional session planned and now you tell me we have to cut it short because something came up that you have to attend to.

I realize that I am still getting 60 minutes, but I am used to coming for 90 minutes. I wish that you had told me this earlier. I would have been able to plan better. I had so much to talk with you about today. I don't think I can get it all out in 60 minutes. Especially since I am thrown for a loop with this latest announcement.

Even though I told you I didn't want to come in, you encouraged me to come. I said that I didn't want to because I felt that what I had planned is ruined. I have nothing to talk about now.

What should I do? Just come in there and do what I had planned to do and hope that I get it all out in time? It was going to be a very mushy touchy session. Now I don't think I could cry if someone lit me on fire!

I guess I will come in and see what happens. I don't want to come at all. But if I don't, this will mean 10 days before you can see me again. Can I manage that long? My husband says no. He is urging me to come and see you today.

What if I go mute again? I have a feeling that is what is going to happen. What good is it to come to a session if I can't talk? I am so sad........I am discouraged............I am disappointed...........I am upset.

Dear T,
I don't know what I've said or done to concern you but I really don't need a lecture today. Just let me hold you hand and feel the warmth, ok? Tomorrow you can tell me I am being self-destructive or irrational. Thanks.
Crazy

Dear T,
I'm feeling so much better-a lot more stable and actually happy...but that makes me so worried that I won't need help and that you will say I don't need you...it makes me want to do something to show that I still do need you-like cut or purge or have an emotional breakdown...uggg I NEVER thought I would be in this position and feel like this-please don't leave me