Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Well, if she doesn't move or kick me out, maybe on May 12, 2015.

At least you have a plan!

Anne

Dear T,

Thank you for going over your time with me, but sorry for taking your time up too. I know you're worried about me and have given me times I can call you and permission to do this but I'm scared to talk to you, I can't talk to you in person so it'd just be another long silence on the phone. I don't know how to tell you how I'm feeling and I'm not sure you could do anything anyway Maybe you just told me to call cos deep down you know I won't. You said you wouldn't be doing your job properly if you didn't offer me support now but I guess I would have liked you to say you were offering support because you cared. I don't blame you for not caring about me, I don't care about me either

I know what your rules are, but it hurts me very deeply when I email you something like I did, and you give me your usual answer, to enjoy my week-end, and we'll talk about the emails on Tuesday! I'm glad you liked the photos I sent, though. I wonder if you looked at them before you emailed me.

Why couldn't you write "whatever you're feeling for me is okay and I accept all your parts". I KNOW that's what you'll say in person. Is it that you want me to internalize the way you respond to me so you don't have to tell me each time? Is it because it's more important that I accept my parts than you? You HAVE emailed me at times, telling me to work with my parts and accept them.

I know it seemed like nothing new to you. I've told you before that I wanted to be little with you. But I never said "I want, or SHE wants you to be Mommy." I never said that before, ever. Even if I implied it, I never said it before.

I assume you'd rather I say that in person, in the session, just like you never want me to read my emails to you.

I wish it were Tuesday already. These feelings are BIG, and I have to get them OUT.

I feel like I'm BAD though I know I'm not. I want to look in your eyes so you can tell me I'm not bad.

I don't know if I can tolerate this therapy anymore. What if I never came back? Ha! I couldn't stay away from you.

Dear T,

I am envious of your life and what you have acheived. I don't want to BE you, I just wish I could have a house, family, job etc.-not to mention the sense of contentment you seem to possess. I know you worked and sacrificed to get where you are-and I don't mind struggle and hard work-but I would rather have had the opportunity to struggle to buy a house and graduate school than the struggles I have with mental illness, poverty, stigma and the disappointment of not being able to live the life I envisioned.

Sometimes it is hard to talk about my struggles and failures with someone who seems to made fewer mistakes-no matter how compassionate and non-judgemental they are. I feel ashamed at my failure

dear pdoc
so i am coming to see you next week. i hope you are going to stay true to your word and precribe me the dose of medication i asked for. and i got rid of all my medication stash which you disapproved of, it caused me anxiety which you wanted me to challenge. i have been doing things to challenge my anxiety as you asked me to. so you better represcribe me klonopin so i have it for emergencies because i got rid of the old stuff. im trusting you as you asked me to do and im going to be really pissed if you go back on your word.

Dear Dr. [X]
I don't like the way my thoughts are going right now and the attachment I'm starting to feel towards you. I know I did not want to leave at the end of my appointment on Wednesday, and I have really been missing you ever since. Logically I can come up with all kinds of reasons why this is happening and why you would not be freaked out or annoyed with me in the slightest: I trust you and I like you and you make me feel better, so of course I would want to spend more time with that. I have been suppressing these feelings for a long time and as painful as it is, it's also such a relief to talk about everything so of course I miss doing that.

I also am missing caring, loving relationships in my life; I feel very alone and unliked most of the time so of course I am going to become attached to you, because you are a caring, empathic person I need right now. This still feels yucky and frustrating though, because I feel like I'm doing something wrong thinking about you so much. I want to beat myself up for it and feel ashamed...you are not my friend and never will be, your role in my life is therapist. 50 paid minutes a week, the end. I hope to eventually not feel sad for what it will never be, but instead come to feel grateful and happy for what it is. I do wish I could turn off the part of my brain that thinks about you for the days between sessions right now, though.

I think I will actually tell you this soon. I have a feeling you will make me feel a lot better about it because you are a professional, gentle, and caring therapist and person who is obviously very good at what you do. And maybe that's not such a bad thing to miss and feel attached to.

Dear T, you haven't called but neither have i.... i think i finally figured out why you get so freaky every time i mention a certain city. i think you spend all your off time there and if we were to run into each other their, it would spoil your special place. well quit worrying. my sister doesn't talk to me and i don't talk to my brother so all is well. i don't go there because i am not invited....

my youngest sons behavior is starting to impact me and i don't like it.... i don't want him to be homeless but i don't want to deal with a thief and a liar living with me either. he needs to get his life figured out!

please help..please help..please help..please help..please help..

Dear T,

I feel absolutely confused right now-and so very upset...the comment you made about me "really hanging on" when I hugged you hurt my feelings so so so much...I had just read to you something very difficult for me and felt vulnerable and sensitive-and when you said that I felt like it was not okay for me to want a little bit longer or a hug and now I feel ashamed and I don't want to work with you anymore-but I also don't want to leave you-I hate this struggle and right now I feel like I hate you

Dear T -

Why do you keep telling me to open up to my friends? If I told them how I'm struggling, they would probably just tell me to see YOU. So I'm one step ahead of you, right?

Are you trying to get me out of therapy? If you don't want to work with me, then you need to say something. I know I'm not like your other clients, and my issues fall outside of your specialty areas. But really, I LIKE you, and I don't like most people.

-winter

Dear T,

I have been thinking about something you said in our last session. I know that I was all over the place. Talking about the cup on your desk, your new watch, the fact there are no pictures on the wall in the office we now meet in, how my kids are behaving in school, that my dog liked chewing gum, etc....

You asked me, "Are you trying not to shut down?" At that time I didn't really know what you were talking about. Now that I have thought about that statement, I think you are right. I was determined not to shut down and go mute on you. So, I guess I was trying to talk about any random thing that popped in my head to keep that from happening.

I see this as a good thing, do you? I mean, I knew shut down was coming and I tried to prevent it. Even if I said off the wall things that were not relevant at all to having a session with you. Maybe I was avoiding something (as you indicated) or maybe I was just not wanting to have any deep discussion that day. I wanted more to just chit-chat and take some time to relax from a very stressful week at school and at home.

I hope that I don't do that next time, but if I do, I don't see that as an unsuccessful session. I think that sometimes we need to take a break from "processing" and just enjoy talking. Is that okay with you?

Squiggle

Dear T:

You made me angry yesterday when you were talking about a conversation you had with your wife's grown up daughter. You said that she found it easier to talk to you because you were not the Bad Guy (my term) in relationship to her mother. I said that perhaps her relationship to you is based on who you are to her mother, the Guy Who Makes Her Mother Happy.

I think you are more to people than just not being the Bad Guy. That's a really limited way to look at your relationships and what you have to offer, and it doesn't really honor the relationship between us. You are more to me than just not my Bad Guy.

Thanks for not being perfect, by the way.

love, Anne

Dear T,

What would you think if you and I went into a partnership where we researched and created a machine that would allow us to each wear special hats and then you would just be able to read my mind so I wouldn't need to actually say out loud the words I fear? Does that sound good to you? It does to me. We could meet at your house so I can see more about your life, which you never share and I never ask about, and I will bring desert and we can talk about lighthearted things and say, "Eureka!" when we finally have a working machine.

Since neither of us are really "sciencey" I guess that won't be happening. So instead I spent most of yesterday writing you a letter about everything I've wanted to tell you for the past four months, but have not. I feel like I should warn you to be ready when I bring it in. It will be a momentous occasion, but I am so terrified. I was also wondering if you would like me to bring you a highlighter so you can mark up your copy? I'm going to go lie face down on my bed now and wonder why I feel like such a dork in therapy. Thanks for not judging me. I appreciate it. I do enough of that on my own.

Dear t, haven't seen you in awhile and i think you probably forgot about me and that is what is best. it seems like the last two sessions were just about beating me up. it also seems to me like you are trying to "clean out your closets" and get rid of all your old clients (me, in particular) and make room for the new ones.
plus i am still not understanding what you have said to me recently
1."I often wondered why you kept coming back" made me feel like i wasn't supposed to come back
2.telling me"it must have been hard growing up knowing your mother hated you", ya, so now what.... just nothing other than that blanket statement,,, what am i supposed to say about that???
3. telling me "im lonely" duh!!! known that for years

i just hate feeling like i got put together backwards. ya know????
and yeah, sometimes, alot of times, i still want to die...

Hi T,

I keep writing to you on my forum so I don't inundate you with emails before Tuesday. I know that wouldn't help and might make me feel worse! I feel really crummy since my session. I wonder if it's the EMDR stirring up all of these feelings, or just the way you looked. I can't think about you too much--I mean the physical you--because when I do, I choke up and feel like I can't breathe.

I feel like I'm bad for having all of these feelings about you when I know you would rather I work on something else. But I know you think it's all related, and we're getting somewhere, so I have to accept where I am I guess. But I DO feel bad that I think about you just like I thought of the others, but it's worse with you. I told you that you reminded of my first T.

I don't know what I am going to do. I'm setting myself up for disappointment in my session though I know the reality. But it feels like a physical need to be with you and you agreed last time that it IS a need, like life or death, for a baby to be with its mother.

So is THAT what I feel? Then why does it feel like I'm in love with you? Are those the adult feelings taking over? Or, is it just that I like you so much, and you're so nice, and all of that therapy stuff? My feelings are normal for many people in therapy, but to me they are bad because of the physical stuff. You know I can't help the way I feel. I don't want to feel like I'm bad and that you should punish me but I would like the punishment. I'm so messed up. PLEASE help me!!!

I can't let you know that a small feeling of panic is showing up for me just since I started imagining that you could move away from the area. I guess reading other people's threads about needing to quit their T's for whatever reason has stirred this up.

I am so tempted to call you so that you could tell me now that you have no plans on moving but I won't because. 1. I'm never calling you again and 2. what if you confirmed this fear and it was by telephone.

Somehow or another I don't want you to know how much this idea bothers me. You've already seen me panic over other small stuff. I just want to be able to keep my composure and act like it's no big deal. But I am eagerly awaiting Wednesday so I can find out for sure.

Dear T,

I'm feeling extremely angry with you right now...and I'm resisting the urge to write you an email telling you why you are annoying and why I'm going to quit therapy...then I remember how patient you are with me and I *think* you care about me and want to see me happy and start healing...then the next minute I feel like you don't care about me at all and want me to quit therapy because I'm such a pain and keep trying to run away from you and send you stupid emails and can act very childish in my responses to you in a session...I know I need to tell you some of these things-especially the hug issue we had last session hurt worse than anything ever from you...I hope you allow space for that to be brought up without making me feel worse...I don't want to end our hugs-please! I'm waiting for a response from you about our next session...and it will probably wont' address anything I wrote to you and just have a time we can meet...but whatever-I guess that's okay...I know you have to stay professional and maintain boundaries...if you would let me have a set time each week I wouldn't email you in between I promise...sooo let's talk about this next session..thanks!
Love/Hate,
Delicate

Dear T,

I hope I did not overwhelm you with my last email. I basically told you everything that is going wrong in my home/life. Things I won't tell anybody. I know you keep encouraging me to share this with others who can help me, but I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

Everyone has problems and issues. I feel like I am over exaggerating when I share mine with others. I know they keep asking me how they can help, but I don't know what to tell them. A good bit of the stress is financial. How they help me with that?

The other is taking care of my spouse. What can they do for me there? Nothing really. I am the only one who takes care of him. Insurance will not pay for anyone to come out and help. They say that he is not "bad" enough??? Are you kidding me!! He can't walk, bath himself, dress himself, etc.....how bad does a person have to get in order for insurance to consider him to be "bad" enough?

I know, they expect a family member to do those things. I know. Boy do I know! Unless he ends up in the hospital, or I have a nervous breakdown, insurance is not going to do one thing to help us at home! Nothing!! They are not even going to pay for the repairs to his wheelchair because it is out of warranty. Are you kidding me? They paid for a $21,000 chair and now they won't fix it?

Yea, I remember we switched from private insurance to Medicare. Well, Medicare won't pay because they are not the ones who ordered the chair. This whole insurance thing is a nightmare! I am sick to death of it. Unless you have gone through something like this, you won't understand.

So, therapist, this is why I don't tell people. They just cannot grasp it. Most of the time they just tell me that I should do this or that. Things we have already done. It's not like we are sitting around not trying to get help. We are. But all we do is hit dead ends!!

Squiggle

I am honest as can be with my Pdoc.It took me decades before I could find one that would listen to me and not just write prescriptions. I don't even need a therapist. I see her monthly and she is always adjusting my meds according to how I feel. I tell her what I will take and what I won't take. I am a Psych Nurse so I have an edge over most people with Psych problems. I have never been in the hospital other than Detox for alcohol.

Tomorrow, can we please do IFS with these parts that want to be with you? I will try to listen to what they have to tell me so they can stop wanting you so much. Can you please help me be honest with you about what I'm feeling? I'm afraid I will be too embarrassed and will shut down like that other time.

Dear T,

Thank-you for everything you said. Thank-you for opening up to me and for having the conversation I needed to have with you. It was so good to hear the reason you didn't say "X, Y, Z" last session was because you thought I already knew; you thought that was a given between us. But it wasn't. You understand that now. You understand that I still have lingering insecurities and that there are things I need to hear you say. I've never had an "adult" tell me positive things about myself before; I've never had an "adult" react positively to hearing me say that I care about them. You understand now what an important role you play for me, and how important it is for me to develop a safe and secure attachment to you. You asked me if I believe what you say is genuine, and I do; it's simply that I needed to hear you SAY it in order to know you felt it. I don't care how you said it or what language you used; I simply needed to know that you felt positively towards me and that you cared, in whatever way you feel is approrpiate for a therapist to care about a client. That's all the reassurance I needed. At least for now. There will probably be a time in the future when I need to hear you say something like that again but, for the time being, you gave me everything I was looking for. Having that conversation with you made me feel closer to you and cared about by you. It made me feel special and lovable and worthy of care and affection.

Love,
ScorpioSis

So I sent an email to you. Not to reschedule...an email because I'm struggling. You said it would be okay to do that but I'm worried I wrote too much. Why didn't I hang on just a bit longer and not send it. I'm sure you don't need to read it and now I can't take it back.

Sorry.

Dear T,
Since you have me questioning my judgement in all things, and require that I explore "alternative" readings of things that happen.....

last week when I was so down, and you left me a message 4 hrs before our appointment cancelling because your car died & had to be towed for repairs,
one "reading" was that you were telling me the truth.
I don't have the nerve to tell you that there was an alternative explanation that occurred to me.

I just left you a message cancelling tomorrow's appointment as well. I cited health & work schedule reasons, all true. But can you sense that there may be an alternative reading? Like, I don't have the will to go? If we meet next week, it will be the first time in a month, & I feel I have lost the thread of this therapy.
SAWE

Dear T, i don't know if i am ever going back. too scared. not feeling worthy of help, feeling like air, like i am just disappearing, not wanting to participate in life. not wanting to breathe. just feeling sooo lost. except i really dont want to be found.

T, The recent memory I had that I have been unable to voice was about my Mom, a woman I cherish and miss dearly. The problem is this is not a good memory. It is a memory of her taking part in the abuse. I am very frightened of this memory, It contradicts everything I feel. I feel like I am violating her memory if I voice this memory.