Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,
I think you are missing the underlying problems that are manifesting with my adviser. I think the paper problems are just a symptom of deeper issues. I think your view is that it is just me not being willing to do something about the situation, when really I think that it is just a symptom of a reaction to the abuse. I know we can't address this right now, as you would see it as an avoidance tactic from the other stuff we are dealing with, but I just wanted to let you know there is something on the back burner when we get done with the current stuff. I was talking to my friend and had an a-ha moment. So I will keep this in the back of my mind waiting until we can talk about it.

I'm sorry I am making your job so hard. I do want you to be honest with me about what is going on. But at the same time I feel like it is all my fault. Like I'm annoying you with my problems. That I'm having trouble talking about stuff. I don't feel like you totally understand what is going on for me. And I don't know how to make you understand. I feel like there is this big disconnect between us right now. Please don't be mad at me. I feel like since I'm not dissociating in session I am getting overwhelmed by my feelings and then not able to talk. I know this annoys you. I'm sorry. You should just find someone else who is better to help. Someone who can do this better. I'm sorry I'm such a failure.


Googley

Dear T,
Since it's been so long since our last session, I'm going to sneak into the trunk of your car and come home with you Shall I bring an extra pillow?

Dear new pdoc
my old pdoc wouldnt prescribe topomax for me because he didnt think it worked for bipolar but i have been taking it for the past year on the sly so that i could lose weight. i have been getting it from my sister who doesnt take hers. i have been really stable since i have been taking it so whos to say it isnt working in conjunction with my other psych med. would you prescribe it for me too without lecturing me about taking someone elses med?

googley, just want to give you some hugs. You're NOT a failure!

Dear T,
I don't know how to tell you it's happening again. I was too scared to tell you today; it just feels safer to stay quiet. I wish you could just guess it and then I wouldn't be alone with it.

I'm thinking about the last time we took a walk (when the weather was still cool) and you zipped up your coat. I don't know why I'm thinking about that.

I wish you could hold me, really hold me. I'm afraid to look into your eyes tomorrow because I don't want you to know how much I care about you, and my H might see too.

I don't know if these feelings will ever go away. I don't think so.

Why are you so, so nice to me?

Dear T,

I want so so so badly more than 50 minutes twice a month to sort out this crap. How am I supposed to do this when there's no continuity to our meetings?

I wish I knew what to make of everything. Perhaps I'm overreacting. Gee, when has that happened before?

Dear T,
I wish I would have known about all these big feelings I would feel for you before I ever signed up for a t session. In fact if you can remember I was basically forced into outpatient t so I could get released from the hospital. I literally thought, "what can this a--hole teach me about anger?" Now three years later I cry all the time because I really wish I could really be a part of your 'real' life. I wish I could be more to you than my appointment times each week. I had absolutely no clue that this is what would happen. In fact I had serious doubts that I would even be able to tolerate you let alone like you. How can this be? How does something like this happen?

Ditto, Kacey.

Dear T,

Since I couldn't sleep last night, I was thinking about therapy and everything we have been working on. It is amazing to see how far I have come. Part of me thinks that maybe I don't need to come weekly anymore, but my husband does not agree with me. I guess that maybe I should listen to him and to you and keep doing what we have been doing, which is coming weekly.

Since I am starting back to work, I don't think I will have as much time to work on assignments. To be honest, I am kinda tired of doing assignments. I know that I go above and beyond with them and that you don't expect me to do that much work at home unless I really want to. I do want to, but I don't think I will have as much time to do that. I need to focus on my schoolwork.

Is there really that much more for us to work on? We have been through all of my childhood and the major events in my life, so what is there now? The present? Learning to manage my daily life in the here and now?

Squiggle

T,

I'm caught in a deja vu time loop and I'm afraid to move because I might get stuck. I want to email you but you won't understand. I don't want anyone to see me but I don't know if I can pull myself out. Why aren't you doing anything to help? I hope you're not driving by my house... that does not help. My mind hurts. I want this to stop. Please make it stop. Please don't tell anybody.

Dear T.,
I'm sorry I called and said I couldn't come in for my session today. I am struggling with my abandonment issues and it's very hard. Why didn't you send me a card when you were away on vacation these past two weeks? Why am I so upset by this? I hope I will figure all of this out because it is making me feel very sad...

I'm kinda ticked at you now, T. Respectfully, of course, but this is making me very sad. It feels like you aren't taking me seriously.

Dear T,

I wish I could have said more today, but thank you for the analogy you gave about other people seeing something more than I see in myself. You have a great way with words and it was comforting. I hope to talk more about this next week.

Hi T...

I *know* you're busy, but I wish you'd e-mail me back

Dear T,
I like you in session but I can not like you for the rest of the week unless you can prove you are loyal trustworthy and dependable and I know that's a stretch for a paid relationship but you NEED to do a better job at modeling dependability and care, ok, thanks.

Dear T, still, still debating on whether or not to call you. I really need my question answered and you are not doing a very good job of doing that telepathically. So, as you say, "Call~it's the only other form of communication we have right now".... sucks, sucks, sucks!
we could have email but NO, NO, NO, NO, please never start that! i don't want to be attached to my laptop! Just call to say hi and then i can ask you then and won't be bothering you this way! Wait, maybe you are on vacation and won't even call me back. Wait, that would be a bigger issue cause you have always called me back... no, wait scratch that!!! Just f'ing call please!!!!!!

Dear T.,
I wrote you a letter today and sent it to your house. I am supposed to come in on Friday for a session but I can't. I hate being stuck with my abandonment issues, esp. when I know they have nothing to do with you. I am sorry I overracted about you not sending me a card while you were on vacation - I guess I thought you forgot all about me. I really hate this stuff!

Dear T,

I liked you TOO MUCH during my session with my H today. You looked too good, and too nice, and I wanted to hide from you seeing my feelings. I don't know what's wrong with me!!! I'm SO confused. Please help me tomorrow, but I know you want to do EMDR and not talk about my feelings for you. I don't know if I can stand the way I feel.

There are some things in my early past I did when I was in the throws of mania (I didn't even know what that meant at the time) but it really makes sense to me now that I've been diagnosed and studied BP1. Mostly things dealing with sex, lord only knows everything I did when I was manic and hyper sexual.

I probably should tell her but I'm worried about being able to cope if I were to face them.

Thankfully since my diagnosis I can recognize when I'm manic and not act as impulsively as I did back them.

im sad and discouraged and i need you to call. please dont let me down T

thank you for calling, T! you're my hero

Dear T,
I secretly want you to hug me but don't dare ask. Would you ask me if it's okay? Please? It's okay!

That we/i am sorry and miss her and really wish there was way we could still work together, cause so much want to share with her and understand. And also apologize for and understand...still hoping, maybe one day
sincerely,
hugs from all~
ps: and a hug would be great too

pps: thank you for everything, really, even if frustrating as all heck and get out!!

My therapist is not a hugger, but I feel like you do. Just one time I would like for her to hug me. I don't need it all the time, but we have been together for more than a year, and there has never been any 'touch'.