Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Right? I want to ambush hug my T.

Haha...

Me, upon seeing T for the first time in a month: T!!!!!!!!!!! *goes to hug*
T: Ohhh, sh-
Me: (((((((((((T))))))))))))

Dear T,

I remember how nervous I was the first time I asked if I could hug you. When you said yes, I thought that one, single hug would make all the difference. I thought it would completely fill my desire for physical affection and fill that void inside of me. For a little while it did. But then it was no longer enough. Then, I thought getting hugs from you at the end of every session would fill that void. But it hasn't. Now, I barely notice the hugs I get from you. I spend my sessions sitting across from you, wishing you would sit next to me and hold me. I wish I could feel your arms around me, and feel my head resting on your shoulder. But at the end of each session when you actually DO put your arms around me, I feel nothing. How does that make sense? Why don't I actually FEEL that moment? I guess, because it's the end of session and we're usually running late, I feel rushed. I feel like I have to hurry up and get out the door. I feel like I have to pull away before my arms are even fully around you. I want to have a full moment with you where I can just sit down and cuddle up to you and feel held. I want to be held for as long as I want. I want to be held without feeling "guilty" for wanting your affection. I want to feel taken care of without feeling like I'm imposing or asking for too much. I'd like you to tell me if this is something I can have. I would like to know where the line is. If a hug is okay, is being held okay? Is there a quantifiable difference between the two? Please let me know. Preferably without me having to ask- I don't think I could ever ask.

Love,
ScorpioSis
xoxox

So true...and so well said

ScorpioSis, I know you didn't ask for comments here, but your post touched me, as I'm sure many others can relate too. My T said she will hug me, but not "hold" me. She will hold my hand, though. I too, would like to be held; the quick hug doesn't do it for me, but the hand holding is a good compromise for me. Maybe you could get enough courage to ask your question, and maybe holding Ts hand would help you feel more "held".

I'm crashing but don't know why and because of your reaction previously I am scared to tell you.

Dear T,

I am getting nervous about that letter you are going to write for me to give to my boss. What if she won't let me take off early to make my appointment with you each week? I know you keep telling me not to worry, but I am.

Squiggle

Sending good wishes Squiggle!

Dear T,

Thank you for taking the time to talk to the T who will be covering for you during your vacation, so he'll already know my background and I won't have to explain all the horrible details from scratch.

But I'm scared. What if he thinks I'm disgusting or what if I can't speak because he's a stranger? What if the current situation gets really bad while you're away and I can't pull it together in time before the new job starts?

Awesome sequence. SO why we are there.

Dear T,

I am sorry that I shut down on you today. Last week was such a fabulous session, and then this week I was back to sitting on the couch staring at the wall. I don't know why I do that, but it happens.

Thank you for not pushing me to leave early. I feel that if I don't talk the whole time, you are bored and would rather me leave and come back when I am ready to 'work'. I know that you tell me that even in my silence I am 'working' but I am not sure I believe you. What are you thinking when I am silent?

You said that I seemed to be overwhelmed and anxious and that is what caused me to shut down. Maybe you are right, but I wasn't that way before I came into your office. Once I sat down on the couch, silence filled the room. I just couldn't think of anything to talk about. Even though you tried to prompt me, I was still not able to do much.

I know that by the end of the session, things did get better. I do feel glad that I came and glad that you didn't make me feel like a dumbie because I couldn't think of what to say. Yes, you are right that alot of processing goes in during those times of silence. Not sure I see that as progress, but you do, and I guess I need to trust you on that.

I am glad that you told me that my letter last week touched you in such a deep way. Many times clients fear telling therapists how much they appreciate them because they fear they will be labeled with something like an attachment disorder or being too dependent on their therapist. I am glad that you did not see it that way. You were very open and honest when you explained that it felt nice to hear those words I wrote. It showed you that I was getting more out of therapy than maybe you realized.

Maybe today was not a total flop? Maybe I did do better than I am giving myself credit for? I told you that maybe I just needed that time to re-connect with you and you said that could be true, and that it was okay to need to do that. Why would I feel disconnected? We have been doing very well lately.

I know that I need to stop trying to analyze everything in therapy and trust you when you say that I am doing well. Deep down, I know that I am doing well, but it is hard for me to give myself any credit. You tell me that all the time. That I don't treat myself like I would someone else.

Next week will be different for me. Going back to work is exciting, but also challenging. I hope that I can remember everything you told me about how to engage in healthy relationships and to set healthy boundaries.

Squiggle

i'm not in love with you. i want you for my mother more than anything. i think i am in love with loving you though. its a very strange feeling. i wish it werent something that i am only just now experiencing.

I'm sorry I sent you 3 crazy emails. I don't know what you're going to think of me. I don't know why I had to color over your design and fill up the paper like someone obsessed. Well, I was obsessed and frustrated. I'm sorry I used up some of your crayons! I'm sorry I wrote that I hate you and that I am tired of being nice and good. I'm sorry I still think I'm pathetic even though you don't want me to.

I can't believe it's because you won't be there next week. To me, it's more the total picture of what therapy is for me. It took over a year for you to understand my pattern, but now you're one of those people. I feel a little bit crazy.

I can't "spill the beans" because it would make the "beans" too real. I still want to deny them for awhile...

Thank you for replying to my emotional email even though I said I didn't want a reply. It made me feel important and calmed my fears. I was scared you would be angry that I emailed instead of saying things out loud in session. I think therapy is beginning to take hold for me, but all these emotions I don't usually allow myself to feel are coming to the surface and it is getting more difficult to keep them locked down. I can feel them, right there under the surface. I know my email was the first step in really letting you in on how I really feel - it was the most "real" me I've ever shown you and it was just the tiniest part of everything I really feel.

T, I want you to push me. Poke at all the crappy feelings I have and help me to let them out so we can start working on them. It's just too much for me to do it myself. I've never done this before and I don't share my feelings with anyone. I bring tissues to session every week and still haven't cried in front of you even though I've told you I feel like I want to. PLEASE help me.

Dear T,
I am so inspired by what I saw on a documentary minutes ago - a practice called "phototherapy". I know you don't believe my body issues are real, but this still intrigues me all the same. I'd love to have the opportunity to do it, but I am far from New York and even further from the money I'd need to do so...I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't understand what I've said to cause you to make light of the issue. Just because I fall short of being "morbidly obese", does that make the problem any less significant? I don't understand, S*** (T's name) , I just don't understand.

Dear T,

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Right now, I don't feel there is much that I can't tell my therapist. It just feels like there's not enough time to say what I want to say.

Dr T,
I should probably apologize to you for glaring at you when I saw you with another client. But I am not going to. You looked right at me and knew that it would evoke a strong reaction from me. I have asked you time and time again to get rid of your other clients and you won't do it. Darn you T.

I feel stupid for not knowing how to react when you say wonderful things about me.
But please don't stop.

T, I feel like I failed today. I had the opportunity to fall apart during an appointment and I was too afraid to take it. I know you could have handled me, but I don't think I could have. I'm really bummed.

This is an actual email that I sent to my therapist this week. Now I feel like I should have posted it here and NOT sent it to her. I hate it when I do stupid things and then worry myself to death about what her reaction is going to be. She is on a short vacation, so I know that I won't hear anything until maybe Sunday.

Yes, I would like (honest) feedback (good or bad) on this post if anyone has anything to say. The letter that is being referred to in this is one that I wrote telling her how much she means to me and how much she has helped me over the past year. She actually got a little choked up when she read it in session. It is post #191 in this thread.

I started this thread so that we could have a place to 'say' things to our therapist without actually 'saying' it in front of them. Or maybe use this thread as a place to 'practice' what we want to say so that we can work out the kinks before we actually tell them. I didn't even follow my own advice on this one! I wish I would have practiced here before I sent it to her.


Dear T,

I know that this is probably pushing the boundary line, but will you do something for me? We talked a bit about how people appreciate when others acknowledge that they have impacted them or helped them in some way. We referred to the letter a student mailed to me and to the letter I gave you last week.

I also mentioned something today about how some clients need to have something personal from their therapist's office to hang onto between sessions. You didn't seem to think that was too weird, so I am going to ask you for something.

You know that words mean a lot to me. Will you write down what you told me in our session? About what it meant to you for me to tell you that? (The letter you read) Yes, this is the ultimate ridiculous thing I have ever asked you to do, but I need this for some reason. I need an acknowledgment of some sort. Not that I feel I deserve that or you owe it to me, but it will make me stop the broken record in my head that keeps telling me how stupid it was to tell you that stuff.

It will hopefully turn off the message that keeps telling me you think I have some kind of attachment or dependency disorder going on. I don't think I do. I think what I have it quite normal and healthy. I am not 'needy' of you, but I do 'need' you right now. There is a difference. At least I think there is? I am not 'dependent' on you, but I 'depend' on you to help me work on getting myself into a healthier place.

Yes, this is odd. No, I am not having unnatural affection toward you. It is just nice to know that others appreciate what you have done. That letter was very hard for me to let you read. I am not open like that with people.

Now I feel stupid that I did it. I know that I need to learn to shut off these thoughts by myself. I have come a long way in learning how to do that on my own (REBT). But this time, I need you to help me get past this.

Is this something you can do without crossing a boundary or thinking I am trying to get too much attention or some kind of award because I told someone that I cared about them and they mean alot to me?

The last time I did this was with two friends from my past. That is probably why I need this confirmation that what I did was not stupid or too sappy. Yes, fear is taking over and that may be part of the reason I shut down today. I don't like getting too close to anyone.

I meant every word of what I wrote and I feel (KNOW) that I did the right thing by allowing you to read it. BUT the 'voices' in my head (no, I am not hearing things) are telling me that it was dumb to let you read it.

I could ignore the way I feel and just let this eat at me and hope that I don't keep shutting down in therapy because of being embarrassed that you know that stuff. But, I don't want to shut down. When something is bothering me, I want to put it out there and deal with it.

Squiggle

Squiggle, I don't know what your T will say but I know she will be glad that you're being honest with her and asking for feedback that you really want. My T always apprecaites my honesty with her and I'm sure yours will too. I also feel that what I tell her is stupid and pathetic! You probably know I feel that way from my latest posts. I want to hide from all the things I told her!

This thread for me has turned into what I actually DO tell or email my T. But often I do them simultaneously. I think if we have to work out the kinks, as you say, first, then we are censoring what we tell our Ts and that is not going to help us. I used to censor my words and my writing, but now I just let it pour out, at least here on PC(probably too much so) and to my T. It's what therapy is for, so I may as well do it and risk the shame and embarrassment. I think it's worth it so we can get healthier. Don't you think so? oops, I just realized I did NOT talk to my T yesterday and had to resort to drawing on paper, but I was honest with that in the end. It's trite, but I believe honesty is the best policy!!!!

I guess what I mean by working out the 'kinks', is just sorting out my thoughts about things. I tend to ramble on and on and on! I am trying to learn to focus in on what I am really trying to say so that she can understand what I need to tell her.

I don't have as much of a time restraint as most do on here, but I do try to get my thoughts together before going to a session. I often take things that I have posted here in PC. It helps a lot to have those with me. She can see just what has been going on with me that week.

I have ADHD and it is important for me to work on staying focused if I want to ever get anything done. Writing it out and then reading and re-reading it over and over helps me. It may not be what others need. Some may do better going in cold turkey.

There are times that I do that as well. Just go in with nothing. Usually those sessions are quiet. But I am learning to embrace the silence and to see that it is actually a good thing. I am just in a space of 'being'.

I don't know that I censor what I tell my therapist. I am pretty open and honest with her about everything. I can't think of anything that I haven't told her. Transparency is what works best for me. If I am thinking it, I will say it. If it is bothering me, I will bring it up. If I need an answer, I will ask for it.

Dear T,

I wish I had not sent you that last email. Why do I do dumb things like that? I can feel myself being triggered by this. I am starting to spiral downward into a place that I don't want to be in. I am fighting the thoughts that are flooding my mind. I promise I won't do anything stupid. Do you know how hard it is not to? I know that will only make things worse, so I am really trying to ignore those thoughts that are screaming at me and causing me to panic.

I keep telling myself that it has just been a trying week for me. Having the surgery and being in so much pain is probably why I am not feeling like I am in my right mind. Why am I thinking these dumb things? What causes a sane person to want to do stuff that is not healthy for them to do? I really do not understand that at all. What is wrong with me?

Maybe I am just not strong enough? Maybe I am a wimp? What is it? I sure wish I knew because this is really scaring me. I don't think I am normal at all.

Maybe I made up the stuff about needing surgery because I wanted attention? I actually liked being the patient. I like being in the hospital and not having to do anything for anyone. I wish I could have stayed longer and just been alone up there. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous, but that is how I feel.

You want to hear something really strange? I wish I could go out in the middle of nowhere, pitch a tent, and sleep there for days. Just me by myself. Maybe I just want everyone to leave me alone? Maybe I can't take the responsibilities I have in my life?

We were doing so well in therapy and now I am back to acting like I am nuts! I bet you get tired of this, don't you?

Squiggle

Dear T,

You didn't send me an email yet. I'm sorry I bombarded you with 4 emails since yesterday. I can't believe it was only yesterday! I'm still having trouble processing the session. I have to keep repeating "it was what it was", but I'm afraid of my anger. I'm afraid to unleash what was going on when I scribbled so hard over your scribbles!

I hope I didn't overwhelm you with my emails. I know you will only answer me generally and will write something positive. It will probably be tomorrow! Please don't forget me!!!