Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,

I'm sorry that I'm always getting upset and hurt by everything you do. The truth is, you treat me better than anybody ever has, and it scares me too much. It scares me because I'm so afraid to love you because i know you are going to retire and be out of my life one day. So i guess subconsciously, maybe i'm trying to find things wrong with you to keep from loving you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( dear Peaches ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Surely not too far in future, I will be standing on the path where you are now. I'm so sorry for your pain.

to my therapist -

what is it about all these self help / personal growth books you want me to read? I have enough of these on my shelves!

I can so relate!! I told my therapist that I constantly try to (subconsciously) sabotage our therapy. I try to find her make a mistake or to 'get her'. We talked about this one time. She said something like, "When I was a child, my mother would tell us that we cut off our nose to spite our face. In other words, to hurt yourself in an effort to punish someone else."

By me finding fault in her and trying to mess things up in therapy, I am really hurting myself in the long run. Biting the hand that feeds you?

I am terrified to need her!

A heads up that you will be "sleepwalking" into T's bed, perhaps?

Not too long ago I invited my T to live in my mind and she looked me and said, " No offense, but I really wouldn't want to do that!" LOL!

Oh my gosh, I love this post.

Dear Pdoc,

I frequent an online psych forum which is making me question my attachment/unattachment to you as my therapist.
Other people who post seem to be struggling with their t's absence, however I am not. Sure I miss being able to actually leave the house for an appt, but that is as far as it goes.
You diagnosed me with severe BPD but doesn't my lack of attachment ring any bells for you? Don't BPD'ers jump straight in and attach too quickly? Why am I not? I've been seeing you for two years so surely there should be something there....

sincerely,
F

LMAO, with me probably!!

Loving this thread!!!
I will have to come back and add mine!

Dear Therapist,

You are fabulous and I think you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wish that you would tell me how you feel about me. Is that crossing a boundary or something?

I think it is time for us to celebrate my progress. I would like to have a fun mini party with party hats, balloons, and M&Ms. I would like to bring a pizza as well. Can we put on the party hats and let your receptionist take a pic of us together?

Squiggle

Dear T,

I couldn't help but notice that you forgot my key today. No worry I know you must've forgotten it on the table when you left. Please bring it tomorrow so I can start moving some of the boxes in after my session tomorrow. Thanks!

Cats.

Dear T,

I wish you were my mom, even though you are not old enough. You feel so safe and kind and loving. I wish I had had some of that growing up. I really, really love you.

Dear Therapist,

I am worrying myself sick about going back to work in a few weeks. What if my boss will not let me off early to go to my sessions? I realize that it is important for me to be there for my students since this is back to school time, but what if my anxiety takes over and I have a panic attack at school?

You know what? I am upset with you that you encouraged me to form this bond/trust with you. Now I don't know what to do if I miss a session!! I did not want to become dependent and I really think that I am.

This is not a game to me. I wanted to keep my distance from you because I know that this is a one-sided relationship. Now I am in this big mess!!

I wonder if you can write some kind of note for me to keep in my file at work so that my boss knows that it is important for me to keep my appointments with you.

Squiggle

This was so helpful to read. Ah. I am so grateful to know that someone else feels this way too. Thank you for sharing.

Dear T,
You already know that I struggled with sexual orientation even though I am a married middle-aged woman with grown children. I know you want to eventually visit this issue with me and so do I but I am totally ashamed about discussing it. Luckily, there are enough other issues for now to take up our time. You have gently tried to steer the conversation a couple of times to this issue but I am very good at not 'hearing' you and switching topic. I think I will die when we finally get there and I want to but I also don't want to. I don't think I can handle the shameful feelings.
Also, I want you to know (but I don't want you to know) that I also ******** as a stress release and escape. Luckily, for now, I do not fantasize about you but I am ashamed to be indulging in these activities nonetheless. My H and I have not had relations in years nor do I want to.
I suspect we may never address these issues because of my own cowardice. If I can ever be totally honest with you, it will be a miracle. I do share everything else as honestly as I can, but not this.

this probably doesn't make you feel any better, but I have been "********" since I was 3 years old. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

t, right now i am very mad at you. i feel like since i had such an emotional session that now you do not want me to go back and that is why i haven't been able to schedule an appt. because you are doing this on purpose just so you don't have to see me again. just tell me to go away forever and i will i promise...... please now!

can we keep this thread going? then i can just vent to t on here!

Dear T -

Shouldn't you be able to read my mind by now? I know I told you I hate talking on the phone (and it's true), but I wish you'd call me just to check in.

Hmph.

I think this thread is a great idea. Yes, I hope that it continues. It has helped me so much. We all need a place to 'practice' what we would like to say to our therapists. By doing this, we may get the courage to actually face them and talk about it in therapy.

Keep venting and talking it out. This is therapy for therapy!!

dear T

none of this is working.my head is just exploding

to my therapist,

i'm trying hard to be open minded with your suggestion. it's just so hard.

T,
For once, I just want you to tell me EXACTLY what I SHOULD do, and not make me find the answers to EVERYTHING on my own. Do you really think that method is helpful ALL THE TIME? Well, its not. At least not for me. And at least not with what I'm currently dealing with. Sometimes I think that you are just waiting for me to scream at you and tell you that I just need you to directly answer one of my questions. I REALLY don't want to scream at you. You have never yelled at me. Not once. So, why would I do that to you? I know you are just doing what you have been trained to do by "modeling" what things are "suppose" to be like in my communication with people and in my life outside the therapy room. But please, just once I need you to take off your " Therapist Hat" and just "talk" to me. I know that you can't, because this is your method, at least during my 50 minute time slot. I just have trouble understanding how you making me figure out everything on my own- all the time- is going to help me, when I've had to do that my entire life ever since I was a small child. I just need you to pull me by the arm and tell me "Go that way". But, I guess the fact that you are not doing that for me is all just a part of the "process that I should keep trusting" Is my statement correct, T? Is it? Wait. Nevermind. You are just going to ask me to "look within myself" to find that answer.

Dear T,

You are gone and i am really missing you. Was doing ok until today. Fourteen days sober. Was ina chat for my addiction and then someone said i was TOO supportive. WTF?
Then my mate over dinner admits to thoughts of dumping me. I am also now hated by my boss. And my family back home acts like they dont know me.

you tell me it is worth it tokeep up the fight. but why. i am hurting deeper than I am allowed to say.

Me

Dear T,

You work out of a small practice. One of the other people working there is also your best friend of several years. I'll call him Mr. X. From looking around on Google the other day, I found out that Mr. X lost his state license because he had been sexually involved with a client for a few years. Both he and the client were married at the time, and he is still married with children now. It's all very creepy to me, as well as a bit hard to believe.

I'd like to ask you about this whole business, because I'm not sure what to do with this information. I'm not sure if it makes me question your integrity and judgement. I'm not sure I want to be involved with your practice, with you as my counselor, in light of this information. After all, it's a small practice, he's your best friend. You may have known about it at the time, when Mr. X was involved in his affair. You certainly know about it now, and yet you still share a practice with him, he still sees clients. What does this say about you?

You've always been very professional with me. I think you will avoid topics like sex and men with me, or we talk about such things in vague euphemisms. Maybe it's part of your personality or mine, maybe it's because we are opposite genders, maybe it's a consequence of what your friend did or how male therapists generally approach counseling female patients--that you avoid topics of conversation that are sexual in nature because of the gray area and possibility of overstepping boundaries. I don't know. But if I'm embarrassed to talk about sex (I never had the sex talk with my parents, and I think they chose to ignore the possibility that I have been sexually active w/ boyfriends), and you avoid talking about it, that just seems... unhealthy. Repressive. Should I be seeing a female counselor where I might be able to talk about these things and consider sex as a healthy part of existence?

Ultimately, I don't know what to do about Mr. X. I find myself questioning your judgement, your integrity. Should I stop seeing you? I may be assuming too much about what you knew and when, but since the license revoking was public, I know you know now and continue to share a practice with this man. Maybe there is more to the story, maybe it's a financial thing now (though you say he is your best friend), maybe it's convenience. But what he is reported to have done is morally reprehensible. How can I trust your psychological insight and general wisdom if I am questioning your general body of ethics and morality? Should I judge you by your chosen colleague and close friend?

I also don't know who to ask about this. A friend? (Many of my friends don't know I'm in counseling.) A parent or family member? (I don't know if I could talk to them for advice without having to act on that advice. For example, my dad would likely feel very uncomfortable with the breach of professional ethics on Mr. X's part, that he doesn't want me near such an environment, and he might want me to stop seeing you, T. Dad already thinks I'm doing well and maybe it's time to discontinue therapy.) The whole business leaves me unsettled and though I've known you, T, for over two years, I'm finding myself distancing myself from you, already mentally questioning the advice and wisdom you've given me over the last several months. Which makes me sad, because you have helped me a lot. I think. Ah, I'm confused. Does this knowledge now erase what our relationship has been? It may not be fair, but emotions aren't rational. I'm also slow to trust, and now I am wondering if I have misplaced that trust.

Silently wondering,
Lacey

PS: If any of you readers out there has any advice, please send me a msg/email. I'd love to hear your thoughts.