Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((( jbmomg ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Dear T,

It is 12:00am and I can't sleep.I am trying to think of something to say tomorrow in our session. To be honest, I don't even want to come. I will because I promised my spouse that I would.

Squiggle

dear T,
you called back to acknowledge my cancellation but (no mindreading intended) you didn't seem pleased. Maybe you do sense that something is up.
Frankly I can't imagine how I could have reached that open, positive, accepting place I was apparently in, 3 wks ago. Today I find myself closed, dispirited, and lost. Of course maybe it's just your beloved "emotional reasoning" talking and that's all false, but you know what? I am tired of swinging at shadows. People are entitled to have emotions, without having to agonize over whether every one is a "distortion" or what.
To me this is exhausting and demoralizing. To you (not "mindreading", just what I expect based on the T I have known for 4 yrs) it will be seen as resistance. Again.
See you next week. . . . . . . . maybe.
SAWE

Maybe this is something you really need to tell her. You've known her for 4 years you say.

you mean, again?... this is just me you know, it isn't her.
And she must be sick to death of hearing it, I know I would be. The sadness I feel now is nothing compared to the guilt I would feel going in there and telling her (again) how down I am getting.

of course, when I see her again this cloud may have passed by, who knows. would I tell her then? just over 50% no.

I'm sure your T will not be sick of it. Not only is it her job but it is also her delight to help you. Let me tell you about when I was teaching adult learners English as a Second Language (ESL as it was called then). I worked with almost illiterate people who had little background in study or schooling. We would have to repeat over and over again basic conversational English like "How are you? I'm fine. How are you?'

Now did I get tired of repeating the lesson? No. Sure, it was the same lesson over and over again but I cared about the students and I cared about their struggles and I cared about their challenges. It was the people who were important to me, not necessarily the lesson. We worked together and I did whatever I could do to teach them but some of them were not ready at that time to advance. Did I get frustrated? No. Was I disappointed? No

So, your T has chosen a career that is really really people-based. Of course she's going to care about you firstly and the lesson secondly. I'm not saying that the lesson isn't important. That's why we go to therapy. I mean, I also say to my T regularly, "I must be the dumbest client you have. I'm just not 'getting' it." So, I do relate to your feelings.

But, please, don't think that you can know what your T is feeling. I'm sure she's not feeling impatient or sick of hearing your story.

Learning anything new takes time. Look around at any other lesson you'd like to learn. How about Russian language? Hmmmm, ever wonder how long it would take to get fluent? Or learning advanced ice skating? Or even just completing a Ph.D. Are any of those lessons learned quickly? No. We need lots of practice, lots of support, lots of repetition.

Sorry to go on and on here. I guess I'm preaching to myself as well.

i think i dont trust you anymore
i think you have abandoned me even though you promised you wouldn't
i dont believe you are coming back
you have really hurt my feelings.

Dear T,

I'm sooo confused right now and I'm stressed out beyond belief and I don't think you are helping the situation, my family and friends are annoyed at me for how much I bring you up or talk about how I'm worried about something or other with you...it's ridiculous-it's making my head spin-and I have so much going on in my life right now I don't know if I have the time or patience to deal with this...and I wonder if you even have the time..if you really care about me or if I'm always just an after thought...why do I even care so much about this stuff!? Why can't I just let you be my T that I see and not think about you or the sessions ALL the time!!? I really need to talk to you about how we don't have a specific day/time for me and how much anxiety and stress it puts on me and how it makes me feel...I can't figure out how much of this is me wanting to run away and how much of it is legitimate...I'm mad that you can't meet me this week-that I have to wait til Monday...but believe me when I say we will be discussing some of this stuff...and I don't want it to be my last session but if you are unwilling to hear me-it's over..

SAWE, i am sorry you are struggling in the place where we go to be heard.
i wish i had some wonderful words of wisdom, alas, i have nothing

however, i do understand the struggle and i do understand how you can be doing great one week, day, month and then totally down the next without really any explanation.

please know you are not alone
and thank you very much for the hugs
struggling myself right now... oh how i hate it

Dear T, i am feeling like a "complete nothing". i reached out for an appt and now i get to wait for a month. feel like you are "cleaning out your closets" and not feeling worthy of help anymore. i think i am just going to keep the appt until i get the call for the confirmation and then cancel. that will work best.


trigger''
wanting to si sooo baddd... been fighting the thoughts for about a week, that is why i finally broke down nad called you but i can't tell you that on the phone but i am hurting right now and i got to get it out

Dear T,

My session was a total waste of time today. I feel terrible. Major shut down and just couldn't talk to you today. I hate it when that happens. I am so angry with myself!!! I am miserable. You said that it was not a waste of time and that you think I did well. Oh, whatever!! You say that all the time.

Right now, I don't want to do this anymore. I only make myself miserable week after week after week. I don't like therapy very much right now. I think I will crawl into my closet and have a good, long cry tonight. Yes, I literally mean "in my closet". I have a little set up in there. Blankets, pillows. I never know when I am going to need that space to be alone and cry.

I am crying already. I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone. I hate this feeling. Total despair. I feel like such a hypocrite!

At this point, I never want to see you again!

Squiggle

Dear T,

I am so upset! I can't get over what happened today. I wish that I could, but I can't. I wish that I could email you, but I can't do that either. I wish I could call you, but that's not going to happen!!

What has happened to me? How did I get so low in such a short period of time? Yes, we are having major issues at home. Yes, they are serious and that is more than likely a great contributor to why I am feeling this way.

I just want out of it all. I want out!


(To my PC friends: I may write ALOT in this thread this week. I need to talk this out. Is that okay? I am not expecting you to read any of this ridiculous, frivolous, stupid emotional stuff that I am going through. I just wanted to let you know that I am sorry if I seem to dominate this thread for awhile.)

Squiggle: I'm sorry you're so upset right now. It's fine to post a lot here. I like to do that too when I can't email my T and I have a lot to say that I feel can't wait. I use this thread like a journal sometimes.

Thanks Rainbow. I don't like to sound like a wimp. I just have so much going on at home. Major issues that don't seem to have any kind of solution in sight. Broken cars, wheelchairs, computers, etc... all at one time. They cost $$$ to fix. Where is that money coming from? I have no idea.

Taking care of my husband is wearing on me. That makes me feel guilty. Sometimes I don't think I can do this one more day!! My youngest daughter will graduate this year. I am sick about that. She will move out and then who will be here to help me? No one. I am terrified of that. I can't do this alone. I need her!!

Our finances are shot! I mean shot! When he lost his job, we took quite a cut. A HUGE cut. We have struggled along the best we can. Now that my youngest is turning 18, we will no longer receive a disability check for her. Can I tell you how much that is going to hurt us? We barely get by as it is. I have no idea what we will do with a $1000.00 cut per month.

Yes, I know this is TMI. I need to shut up and grow up!

Squiggle - I think a lot of us are grateful that you started this thread. Please post whatever you need to work through!

Dear T -

I really wish you hadn't said that thing about my dad right at the end of the session. I adore my dad, and you can just shove it.

This was a really weird session. It felt like you were trying to get rid of me a little, yet you kept saying you were just trying to encourage me.

Today I adore you a little less, and maybe that's okay. See you in two weeks.

- winter

It's a lot you are going through as you said and it isn't tmi, it's jtra (just the right amount) it's good that you share in here it's why you began the thread and if it helps to write it's a wonderful thing. Please don't shut up; as far as growing up .... perhaps talking and sharing and trusting are parts of that

Squiggles,
I am sorry you have so many struggles right now, it is understandable that you are so upset. Perhaps you were feeling overwhelmed in t today and just shut down. I know that money can be so stressing on a family and I feel for you. I also feel for you that you are the sole care provider of your husband. It seems like that might take away a little part of being a wife. Try to just focus on one problem at a time. Think about the most urgent thing until it is done and then move on to the next. That may reduce some of the distress and dispair you are feeling. Not much but maybe just a tish. Thinking of you.

Dear T,
Last week I was feeling really depressed and layed in bed all day. I know I stiffed you for our appointment and I also skipped DBT. And you charged me a $75 no show fee. WELL what part about I was sick don't you understand? Also you have hurt me a lot lately with all your changes in schedule and phone contact and yelling at me the other day that this is the only way I can retaliate against you. Then I get a bill. Well T I did call the billing office to have them remove the charge since I was ill and they said they would have to send it back to the provider to ok. I am sure this will have to be one of your discussion points in our session tomorrow. Well ok we can talk about the $12,000 I have paid to your facility out of my pocket not to mention way way more $ from the insurance company.Its just the principle of it all.

Squiggle - post away

T - I tried. I really did. I tried to be hopeful and not dwell on the negatives that could be. The result? Oh yeah, I was kicked. Hard in whatever place hurts the most. Is that my heart? Because I am heartbroken right now. Is it my head? Because I should NEVER have deluded myself into thinking it would work out for me like it does for other people. Is it my gut? Because I have felt like I've wanted to vomit all afternoon. I am sad. No wait. I'm not sad. There has to be a better word for this than sad. I am devastated.

pdoc
you leave me confused. you are pdoc, not T, so why are you acting like a T? you said you would only be here for a couple months so i expected not to see you again after these two sessions and now you tell me that you may be around a year. you gave me homework and asked to see me in three weeks. pdoc appointments are every three months. now i have seen you twice and you have asked to see me in another four weeks. and you have given me more homework. increasingly hard homework. expecting more from me. you have spent an hour with me each time when pdoc only spends twenty minutes. you have done therapy with me talking to me about ways to manage my anxiety. why are you taking such an interst? have you done this with all your patients? i dont understand. but you scare me too. you want to take me off my med that got me better. you say my dose is so low that i may as well not be taking it. well that terrifies me. why would you change something that works? again, you confuse me.

T,
I just wrote pdoc a letter asking him why he is doing therapy with me. Now i have to ask, what exactly is it that we do? Pdoc is challenging me to challenge my anxiety and giving me homework to help me get control of my life. He asked me if what we did in therapy was consistent with what he was doing and I couldnt answer him because i dont exactly know what we are doing in therapy to address anything really. Maybe we should work more in line with pdoc.

Dear T,

My husband thinks I am mean and disrespectful to you. I have tried to explain to him that you want me to express ALL of my feelings. No matter what they are. It took me almost a year to get to the point that I could do this. Everytime I send you an email that may sound angry or that I am irritated with you, you always come back with something like, "Awesome" , "Good job expressing your emotions!", "I love it", "Keep them coming."

He just doesn't get therapy. When I try to apologize to you if I think I was 'ugly' or 'disrespectful' to you, you always tell me that I should not apologize for my feelings. That you WANT me to express them when in therapy (or in an email).

He is making me feel bad. Like I am taking advantage of you. I know that I am not and should I bring this up to you (again) you will tell me the same thing!! You like it when I show my feelings/emotions. Even if they are directed at you.

He is discouraging me.

Squiggle

Squiggle, what is the reason you can't tell this to your T?

Squiggle, post away....

**** very depressed, may be triggering****

Dear T, really hurt my feelings telling me i have to wait a month to see you. you said last time you save time in your schedule for the "old patients"...i think i qualify as "old"...

mostly i think you are not wanting to see me. that you are trying to upscale your practice and the old rags don't look good and are useless as well. somethings you just gotta throw in the trash. damaged goods, no chance of repair, can't be fixed. f'ing ugly fat freak, don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. sub human zero _ _ _