Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T, I want to be able to open myself completely to you and I see that I'm getting there. You have given me challenges that are safe to attempt and you've helped me overcome or at least face my issues. So,I hope that there is nothing that I won't tell you anymore. I mean, I've told you some of the toughest stuff ever possible. Would I really hold back now? So, even though this thread is about what you can't tell your therapist, in my case, I think I can now almost tell you anything. You've stuck by me through the worst. I should have no fears with you (even though I still do, I know they're not rational). In my deepest part I trust you 100%.

dear old T
I never thought to write you here, express the feelings I had regarding our relationship. I know it was was unprofessional, us working together as professionals, yet you seeing me as a favor. It hurt when you said we had to stop, that i had to find somebody else. You said you werent going anywhere and i quickly found somebody else, yet i felt so abandoned by you. you said you would be there and you werent. i remember that, but dont remember what happened now its been so long. you really put up with a lot for me. all those crazy emails with me spinning out of control. its a wonder you put up with me as long as you did. after we terminated it bothered me that you never asked how i was doing. it became totally professional after that. i know you knew i was doing better because i continued to email you when i was doing poorly and you were kind enough to still respond. i would, always wanted you to inquire as to how i was doing though. to know you cared about me. but i guess you really dont need to. you can tell by my demeanor that i am doing ok. i loved you because you are brillant that way. i want to thank you for talking to me today. it really helped. asking your advice about my new pdoc. i loved how you jumped to my defense when i told you he was messing with my meds. how you validated the hell i have been through, calling him a narcissist for wanting to come in and change things around. telling me to give him your number to call you so can tell him about me, the things i have been through, how hard i have worked to get stable, and how he should mess with something that isnt broken. you said such positve things about me and how far i have come and that changing my meds could threaten all that and how this doc needs to be stopped to keep that fromhappening. you were acting like my champion. it felt great. my T simply said good luck with the doc. so thank you so much! i love you so much! always have. i miss you.

Daughter's T:

What did I do wrong?

I hope neither of us has to cancel tomorrow. I always worry about that, but this week, there is no other day to reschedule.

I want to see you so badly, but I wish I didn't. It feels like you died, not getting am email from you. I didn't miss it because it's all part of the huge depression and hurt I feel. I don't have words for it. I hope you're going to realize how last session affected me and not take it lightly. It seems like you're gone, but maybe I had to feel that way to get through this week.

This thread did start out as what you "can't" tell your therapist, but it has taken a turn. It is about anything you want to say to your therapist. Some of it you may tell him/her. Some of it you may not. It is really just thoughts about what you want or need to say to your therapist.

Everything I write in here, I usually take it to her anyway. So, I just use that as a way to 'get it out' and then I take it to her to read. This thread is about what you want it to be. Just a place to talk it out.

Dear T,

Today, you commented on how happy I have been lately and said it must be due, in part, to all of the people I have in my life who care about me and support me. You listed the names of my friends, my partner, my colleagues—and then yourself. It meant a lot to me that you included yourself as one of the people who are “in my life” and “in my corner.” It showed me that you view things the same way I do; even though this is a professional relationship, it is a “real” relationship nonetheless.

When I came in today, I was nervous about making a particular request. I wasn’t sure how you would react or whether you would start asking me questions. It put me at ease when you simply said “yes, of course, I’d be happy to.” It made me feel, once again, as though you’re “on my side.” It made me feel like we’re a team—and if anything stands in my way, then it’s standing in our way. I’ve felt that way very few times in my life—that feeling of being unconditionally accepted and cared about—that feeling of not being alone; of not having to do everything myself.

I truly appreciate the way you are with me and everything you have given me. You make me feel loved, even if you don’t use that word. I don’t need you to use that word either—I don’t care what language you use. All I need is to feel an affective response from you; to feel you interact with me from a place of loving kindness. And I do. When I was talking today about my childhood, I could see your reaction in your eyes. I could see them get red around the edges, and I saw you blink and rub them a few times. It showed me how much you cared; you didn’t need to say a word. I also appreciate your willingness to hug me. Sometimes touch can be therapeutic in ways that words can’t. There is something about someone deciding that you’re huggable, that makes you feel huggable—makes you feel as though you are deserving of care, affection and tenderness—like you’re not “untouchable” or “unlovable.” That kind of safe touch is also nurturing and protective; it’s grounding and maternal. It makes me feel taken care of, and that’s something else I haven’t really experienced before. I haven’t had the experience of feeling so safe and secure around an adult woman. Feeling that way around you seems to be transforming the way I relate to people as well— transforming my attachment style. Having a secure attachment with you is making me capable of having secure attachments with others.

Today, I also noticed that you made a conscious effort to do something I asked. A few weeks ago, I brought up how I told you one of my family members said “X” (something negative about me), and how I had wanted you to say “No, Scrop, X is not true.” When I finally brought this up, your response was “Gosh, Scrop, I thought you KNEW X was not true. I thought that was a given. I’m so sorry you didn’t know that.” It was the best response you could have had and it made me feel so validated. And today, when I brought up that the same family member said Y this time, you immediately and loudly said “No! Y is not true!” The way you jumped to say it, and say it so vehemently, almost made me laugh. But it also showed me that you had listened to what I said before and were making a conscious effort to let me know that you do not see me the way Family Member does. Rather, you let me know that you like me and you think I’m a pleasure to be around. It makes such a difference.

Thank-you for everything.

Love,
ScorpioSis

Dear T,

Their are two me's, one lies about my feelings, the other one is stuck in a glass cage screaming for help, I want to open up, I need to open up but ive stuffed down my true feelings for so long...I dont know how to express them, I done it as a child so I dont even understand them, or if I could handle them.

I will work harder on revealing them, but know that it wont be easy, and our sessions will probably end before ive built up the strength...But I will try.

From ORR.

(ironic that in a letter for my T that ill never send, that they will never see, talking about how I will open up...I still could not write everything I wanted )

Dear T,
Well, you haven't cancelled so far, and the later it gets the more likely you won't cancel at all, so maybe (if *I* don't cancel) I will be seeing you tomorrow evening, after all these weeks.
Since I saw you last I seem to have drifted out to sea & I have no idea where I am. The things I need to say, I am ashamed to say, and I don't want to.
Just this once, can't you put on your telepathy headset and understand everything ahead of time, without me having to rip myself open and bleed all over your carpet? The night crew would appreciate it, and I know I sure would.
SAWE

I'd like to tell my T that I'm not any crazier than she is and the only reason I stay in therapy is to keep myself accountable if I start to get suicidal. I also would like to tell her she annoys the snot out me sometimes, but that just seems mean. I don't feel close to her. I feel like she wants to yawn during my sessions and I know she forgets stuff I told her a million times.

I've told her some of this. But if I really expressed the emotion behind it I feel like it would be rude and unnecessary.

How necessary is it to feel bonded and trusting with your therapist? I still don't feel that. We started in early March.

Dear T,

Still want to be real with you but now it's muddled. Not so clear what I need to say to you. I'm trying to hang on to it but it's getting crowded out as T day approaches. I'm trying. Really trying. I hope on T day I'll still have a small part of it left that I can share.

Dear T, coming to terms with this more everyday that we are on another break. switching meds again so that kind of has me worried about my mood, but it is what is best?
you help so many people and that is what i must remember, you need to be able to help the masses, instead of wasting your time on me... i will never be healed, so it is better to help the ones you can. thank you very much for trying. it isn't you, it is me!

Today I wanted to sit at your feet on The shag carpet with my back on your knees and just cry ... I wanted to hug you and say thank you for helping me And please dont ever leave me. I like you and I want to please you like a daughter would please her mother. If you cant hug me I'll pretend you do.

Dear T,

Maybe it is because our schedules have been mixed up and we've both had to cancel for the last couple of weeks or that I know I have to skip a week again in the near future but I'm just starting to not see the point in coming anymore. You've been great and all but I don't think as a slender athletic man you get some of the issues I have being a fat, out of shape gal. If you keep harping on me exercising I am going to feel like I have to lie about it and I don't want to do that.

Sometimes I wish you wouldn't challenge my thinking all the time. I know that's your job and I would lose respect for you if you didn't but sometimes a gal just wants to delude herself for a bit.

My t was telling me I need to trust him more (forgotten how he worded that- maybe that I don't trust him) at my last session. We started in April. It is hard to imagine feeling comfortable to easily talk around him, like the way I could around some friends sometimes. The funny thing is that I think he has the personality that he could help me feel comfortable talking about pretty personal things if he wanted to. When I'm around someone who talks about themselves that way, I can usually join in. I wonder why therapists don't make it easy for clients to talk like that.

Anyway, I feel he doesn't like me and I imagine he sort of wishes I wouldn't come with my petty problems. I guess at least I'm a steady income and not giving him crises to deal with, even though he has to get through a boring hour every other week with me. I imagine therapists have to take a sort of detached perspective, so even though he might dislike a lot of things about me if he met me irl, I'm coming there to ask for help to change, so he tolerates the stuff he dislikes to try to help. idk. He says he "likes doing therapy," not that he likes me. So I guess I'm trying to have a similarly detached perspective that even though he might not like a lot of things about me, he wants to help. It is weird and I'm not sure it's a good thing, but that's where I am. It is Really hard to feel comfortable being open to him while knowing I'm showing him some pretty miserable parts of myself that I can't blame him for disliking.

Dear T,
I felt so confused and numb last night after our session...and while I didn't email you going on a rant like I did last week-but I did email you to set up our next session and I was purposely short...and I know that you will recognize that even through the email-but I'm at least not saying I'm going to "take some time off" a.k.a quit...so that's some progress right?! I miss the physical support you gave me when I first came in to see you...and I really miss our prayers...please lets go back to that...it's too much to talk about the 10 year old little girl right now...please nooo...she is not ready-she still hates you...it's all so confusing-please don't leave me and help me figure this out : /

Today's session was good but left me unsettled. Some of that is due to the EMDR, and some to your not understanding what I was so upset with last week. You thought it was the email situation, but it was really those words: "professional", "client", and "we're not friends". I thought I emailed that to you. I don't know how you could think I was devastated just by the email situation.

It also bothered me that you didn't see those feelings as productive; instead you wanted to apologize for not being able to "bring me back". You said that you tried but I was stuck in that place. I think it's important that I go farther with those feelings. I suppose by doing EMDR about the session and about my first day of kindergarten we're seeing that it's more about my mother than about you. Maybe that's why I'm a little disappointed? I still want it to be about you, and it's hard to let that go.

Thank you for not taking away "holding your hand". It did feel safe and no other way, today. I'm glad you aren't taking things away from me! I need to process the session more. I'm still fighting the feelings about my mother though I told you some more. I want you to replace my mother. I said that though I was embarrassed. I wish you could help me more.

Dear T,

I am thinking about talking to you about ending therapy altogether. I feel that I keep going round' and round' in the same ole circle. I don't see me as being 'stuck'. I just see this as my life. It is the way it is, and there is nothing that you can do to change that.

I don't know that there is anything I can do. I feel like a HYPOCRITE that I told you (and others) that my marriage was on the mend. It's not like we are flighting or anything, but as the song says, "I've lost that lovin' feelin".

I am so worn out and overwhelmed with his care that I can't be lovey dovey. Yes, I realize that makes me sound like a harsh, hard person that has no compassion. Maybe I am? I don't know anymore. I am just trying to get through each day. Managing one crisis after another.

I am scared to death what the future holds for us. Why do I think that you can do anything about that? What am I gaining by sharing myself with you? I keep talking about the same ole things. Do you know how that makes me feel? At my age? To be talking about such frivolous things?

Even though I have made progress, I don't think I am doing enough. I can't seem to stay neutral. I am either semi-okay, or I am rock bottom and feeling like I am trapped and suffocating in a life that I have no control over.

Is there really anything that you can do for me? Am I just coming in here week after week just so that I can talk about this stuff? I know that my time is quickly coming to an end. I know that is 3 months away, but I think about it constantly. I don't want to stop when I 'have' to, I would rather stop before that time comes. It would be easier for me that way.

I feel like I am wasting your time.

Squiggle

Dear T, i feel like you are trying to teach me another life lesson even though you say you aren't.

patience. my i don't want to learn patience, i just need more strength.

and as lost and lonely as i feel at times, i cannot allow myself to continue to be hurt. must have acceptance. of my faults, flaws and reality and reality says you need a break from me. i am just going to be super nice to you and give you a lot longer break than you need.
i think you have already forgotten about me... it's okay, i understand. i won't bother you anymore, please forgive me, i am sorry. sorry.thanks.bye.

Dear T - I wish you would check on me after what today's session was like. I wish you weren't going away until Monday. I wish I weren't in therapy.

sorry you are sad and missing your t

dear pdoc
today i just want to say f#@k you. you have me a mess. i have been religiously doing your homework. overdoing it really. at every opportunity i have been doing it. more than you have asked of me. and i am exhausted. it shouldnt be a big deal to walk to the store with a coworker. have lunch with a friend. but i have been doing something nearly every day and it is wiping me out. so tonight when i thought i should stop by the store after work to buy milk and pick up something for dinner, something i would have done to complete your assignment, i said screw it and screw you and your assignment. im having wine for dinner instead. maybe i will throw in some cheese and crackers as well. i am so angry that i am so tired and dragging feeling constantly, like i dont have the energy to make it thru the day. what has changed in my life? you, you changing my meds and giving me homework to challenge my anxiety. now suddenly i am crying, i dont want to get up to face the day. i dont have the will to make it thru a day. i dread life. you did this to me. butt head.

Dear T,

YOU ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!! I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE??

Why do you keep pushing me to talk about things I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT? Are you trying to get me to cry? Do you want me to have a nervous breakdown? What is the point you are trying to make?

I know that I kinda "went off on you" today, but I could not hold it back! You want me to talk about something I don't want to talk about. You say that you ask me those questions because I keep bringing the same issues up in the emails I send to you. Well, what is the big deal?

You say that obviously they are things that are bothering me and you are just trying to get me to open up in therapy so that we can work on them together. Shut up! I hate you right now. I really do!

Today's session was CRAP! I wish I had the courage to walk out on you, but I am too chicken to do that. I wish I had the guts to quit therapy altogether. I don't like you and I never want to see you again! Do you hear me? You are making me mad!

Go away! That's what I want you to do. Leave me alone!

Squiggle

I feel good about the session now. I think the EMDR helped!! I'm still skeptical, but I don't picture me on your couch in utter despair anymore! It almost disappeared like it was a dream, and I don't have those awful feelings!

I feel better about our relationship. Knowing I can hold your hand made such a difference to me. I can tolerate your taking it away slowly and I can still FEEL myself holding it NOW. That's the best gift of being in therapy with you. Holding your hand doesn't make me crazy; it helps me.

I know you wish that child or baby could be comforted and wouldn't look so sad. I think if she could cry then she'd be able to smile afterward. She felt so alone when no one could reach her. That's a clear image I had. I always say she's "in a heap" like Cinderella. Maybe like Little Sally Saucer in the nursery rhyme, too. I don't know where these images come from.

Sometimes we've been able to hold the baby or child. I don't know why we couldn't at the session. I also saw my mother holding out her arms when I had to leave her in Kindergarten. I never visualized that before. I could also see myself in her arms as well as hiding under her skirt.

I think that first separation was significant, though the incubator was really the first separation. I don't like separating from people. That's why I want to be with you forever, and yes, I know that's transference.

Thank you for being my T.

Dear Cold Distant T,

i still think of sessions together. I think you played a really strange game with me. I think that you intentionally triggered issues having to do with my family of origin, and tried to gauge my response. I hate you for doing that, and for never being big enough to acknowledge . Also, I don't think it's a coincidence that every time I called you, it took at least the entire day for you to return my calls. Sometimes, up to a week. How can that be good care? Why not just say, I don't need the extra clients, and be done with it?

I also feel very indebted to you for taking me through some very hard stuff when I first arrived, including issues with family and some financial issues that stressed me a lot. Thank you.

I think you should have acknowledged that we had a powerful connection but you just couldn't take off the mask and do so. I think I know when someone is hiding from themselves and others, and if there's not honesty on both sides, it seems to be that there is no honesty at all. You're not as cool as you think you are, and every woman client you see has an erotic transference to you. Are you kidding me? Are you the next Johnny Depp, or just a narcissist? Just thought I'd ask!