Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

You need to spell it out for the t. Some can be really dumb.

I hope it wasn't too bad for you. I was thinking of you and how angry I would be in your position. I'd be whipping out the bpd'er faster that the speed of light.

Thanks Flooded.

It was that bad. I'm not trying to be dramatic or anything but I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams here.

I feel abandoned, invalidated, invisible. I'm hurt and angry. And I'm more hurt that I won't see her for 6 weeks. How messed up is that?

This situation must be really triggering to me and my "issues" or something because I'm having a very hard time.

Dear T,

I know that I haven't sent you an email this week (so far), is that good? Are you wondering if that means I am doing well, or if I have hit rock bottom again. I am not sure. I don't like to say I am great, because tomorrow is another day and I know that I can change in just a very short period of time!

My husband is better. I am thankful for that, but I am still worn out from the events he has had the past couple of weeks. I wish you would stop telling me that I have to learn to deal with this and not keep looking back wondering what life would have been like had I not married him. I know you are doing that because it does keep me 'stuck' (as you say) in a fantasy that is just not real.

You think that is not good for me? Why? Why can't I 'dream' of life outside of being a caregiver? Why can't I dream of having a 'normal' life? What is wrong with me having these thoughts and wishes?

Reality? Is that what you are trying to get me to face? To stop living in 'wonderland' and work on what is really going on and what my life is really like? I hate you for that. I don't like it when you won't let me have a pity party in your office.

Yes, I know that you are doing your job. To help me cope with things in my life and not push them down and 'wish' them away. Yes, I know that in the long run that is really what is best for me. But, when you talk like that, you make me mad as heck! I don't want you to keep trying to get me to look in a stupid mirror!! I don't want to 'see' myself and 'see' my life.

I thought I was over these angry feelings and was moving into peace and contentment. Obviously, I am not or I would not have these angry feelings toward you. Am I angry with you or my life? I think I can answer that. You will make me do it anyway so what is the point of me even asking you!

Squiggle

Dear T -

My relationship is in a really bad place. I finally just let it all out, and my h just keeps asking if he should even come home tonight. He doesn't seem willing to work on the problems - he just has a lot of excuses and just keeps saying that he is the way he is and that I should accept that.

I called your voicemail just to hear your voice, but I didn't leave a message. What else am I supposed to do? I have no family support system.

I feel lost. Please come and find me.

-winter

Dear T,
I hope that everything is okay given that you had to cancel our session this week.

I wish that you could tell me that had we not met as you being my T that you could see us being friends.

Dear T,

When I tell you that I am okay, fine, or alright, I am lying!! I am far from being okay. I am constantly on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. I told my husband tonight that one of these days I was going to lose it and he would be calling 911 to come and get me! That would be a switch for us since we normally call them to come and help him.

This wheelchair thing is just about to send me over the edge. I am NOT a handy man kinda person. Here I am trying to duct tape a wheelchair together? Talk about wanting to scream!!!!!!! I finally quit working on it and told him I needed a break. I went into the bathroom to cry. He kept yelling at me, "Are you (SI)? Answer me!"

You know what? I wish that would do me some good, but it doesn't. I am going to have to find another way to release some of this pressure.

Squiggle

I. can't. do. this.

Dear T,
Now that I trust that you are not going to leave me and that you actually enjoy working with me...now I feel like I need to know how much I can allow myself to need you...I'm scared it will feel like too much-this is getting into tricky and scary territory T...I need you to help me through this and give me boundaries and support...which I know you will...and I'm so thankful for you in my life! I'm ready to continue this work <3 I can't wait to see ya tomorrow (and tell you about my new place!!)

(((((Treehouse)))))

Yes, you can, and you are.

Reach out here--so much love here for you.

Love to you--

that last email you sent me was so nice and polite...

it didn't require a reply so I didn't ... but what do i want to say?...

blow it out your ear!

you can. i know you can.

Dear T,

I seriously don't think I'm ever going to trust you and I am too scared to even try. So can we do this without trust or am I simply a waste of your time?

Dear T,

I want to be real with you next session. No more games. No more hiding. Just let it all out there. Take that risk.

You know I'm terrified, right?

Hanging on...

dear pdoc
im sure these people are getting tired of reading the same old letter to you, but i cant get it out of my head, obsessing over how you infiltrated my life, turned my world upside down, and now i am to the point of thinking that you probably dont even know who i am. just one of the many patients streaming thru the state clinic. we're probably all the same to you. here i am taking so seriously what you asked of me and im just a drop in the bucket. so why am i doing it. i feel like i will get in trouble if i dont. i want this trusting relationship you talked about. how are we going to get there? im doing my part. will you do yours. T read me your notes. you ignored his dx and gave me your own. how can you dx me when you had only spoke to me an hour? that is wrong. you cant. we need to talk about that too. we need to talk about a lot.

T. after the thing that happened two weeks ago with the wreck, my addiction issues have been very difficult to deal with. I feel like I can't bring this up with you anymore because of those other things. I don't know what I will do. Me

Dear T,

It is very depressing for me that I know I feel better but I still feel so out of touch with who I am. I can't describe my inner life well. I don't know why I feel better.
I wonder how much is just learning a new role.
I wonder how much is telling you what I think you want to hear.

I don't trust this. Too much a mystery.

Dear T,

I cannot believe that I have gone this long without sending you an email! I hope that I can make it until we meet on Wednesday. I don't know why I see that as a triumph, but part of me does.

But one part of me wonders if I am pulling away from you? Not needing so much support between sessions? Or is it that I am shutting down my emotions? I wish I could figure that out. It is very confusing. Maybe I am on auto-pilot right now. Just getting through each day and doing what has to be done. Turning off my emotions and not allowing myself to have a breakdown?

For some (stupid) reason I am questioning how long this new location will actually last. I mean, how long before you try to 'wean me off' of therapy because you don't want to have to be at church so early? Yes, I know that is (ridiculous) and I should not think like that, but I am.

Maybe I am remembering things from my past again? People who 'stood me up' or 'discarded me' when they had someone else to be with? They only came to me when there was no one else to turn to?

That is something for me to ponder............

Squiggle

Dear T,
My trust has been shaken. do you really know how far I go away? Where are we headed? Will I ever let you in like that again and is it necessary for me to do so? This is new territory I am in with you as this is usually where the end begins. Is this our ending may it not be.

Dear T,
I talked with one of my best friends tonight about you...and she helped me figure out some of this transference stuff that can sometimes be confusing for me...and I told her about my dream about you and it completely makes sense to me now-and I'm going to tell you about it tomorrow! She said it sounds like you are good at what you do and that she is glad that I have someone like you! and guess what...I'm beyond happy that I do too <3

I want it to be Tuesday already, but then the session will be over too fast. That's what I hate about therapy. I look forward to it so much and then, in a flash, it's over. I have so many conflicting feelings right now. I know I have to accept therapy for what it is, but that feels like a death to me. I know I have to accept you as my T, and not anything else. That's where the problem lies. I don't know how to do that. All of this talk about who you represent to me, and what the transference means doesn't help me. I see myself last session as some pathetic monster writhing around on the couch. I feel like a drug addict in withdrawal. How are you going to help me get better? I feel sick. I'm living half in real life and half in therapy. I can't do that anymore.

I have about 5 things I want to talk about but there's no way we'll get to them in one appointment. I wish I could have an extra session tomorrow or Friday this week. I guess I'll figure out what I really want to address the most on Wednesday and see how things work out. See ya then, Doc.

Dr T,

I waited and waited and waited ALL FREAKIN', FRACKIN', FARKIN' WEEK to see you; waited and waited, thought deeply of my issues so I could talk to you in session about them. It's so hard for me to wait for sessions every week. SO hard. Then, the day before and the day of, I feel like a teenager going on my first date. The rush of the day FINALLY arriving is hard to ignore. Then, in a heartbeat, the 50m session in over and I'm back to square one: WAITING FOR THE NEXT SESSION. It takes me DAYS to get over this feeling. And then, all of the sudden, the day is here and then I'm right back to waiting again and feeling depressed. It's like an exhausting exercise in futility and frustration. Therapy is supposed to be a journey, not a destination, I realize this......but this is friggin' killing me already. HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME!?!?

Also, it would be nice if you could dump the t hat for um.....forever and just be.....less clinical. I like how we "click" but I'm not going to be able to completely trust you if you don't get real with me. Like, really real. I want to see your human-ness so I can reveal mine.

Sincerely,
Me.

$@*^ I hate this. The love/hate I have with therapy is just awful.

Dear T,

I am angry with you (again). Why? because you keep telling me to open up to people and allow others in to help me. You keep telling me to let my guard down, to not be so (damn) controlling. You know what? You just led me off the cliff!!

I opened up and look what happened. Nothing happened. I feel so angry at myself for letting my guard down. Angry that I was so (stupid) to think that people would really follow through with what they said they would do. Yes, I feel like a total (idiot).

I am not mad at anyone but myself. Well, I am mad at you, too. You were the one who said I was too controlling and wouldn't allow people to help me. You were the one who wanted me to try something different. Look where that got me!!

I should have known better than to listen to you on that. I know you were just trying to help me, but sometimes I do know what is best for me. I have been there and done that so many times. I know what is going to happen. It always happens.

Now what? We are still stuck in the same situation. Things have actually gotten worse. Do you think I am going to call on someone to help? NO! I am not. I will figure something out on my own. I have no idea what that will be, but I am not going to make myself that vulnerable again.

This makes me so frustrated. I didn't need this on top of everything else that I have going on.

Squiggle

Dear T, i am not hurting so much anymore realizing i would need a break from me too. i am glad you are doing this. it is good for me. i understand and i am sorry. i will stay away. it is what is best for now. okay, part of it hurts. but i know it is for my own good. i will be learning something here and that is a good thing. sorry, thanks.bye.

Dear T,
I am so sorry you were sick over the weekend and couldn't see me today. Thank you for talking to me over the phone - I really appreciated it!