Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,

Thank you for responding to my email about our new location. Thank you for understanding how strange that is going to be for me. I have never seen you anywhere, except in your office. Seeing you in a new office will be weird for me.

Tomorrow is Monday which is our normal appointment time. Even though moving it to Wednesday is much better for me, I still feel quite anxious for some reason. I am only having to wait 2 more days, but that seems like 2 weeks for me right now.

Now that I am back to work I am sure that the days will go by faster. I wish that I could stop all this anxiety. It comes and goes, but I am working on it using what you taught me about REBT.

You have always been very supportive of me when I send you emails. Thank you (again) for allowing me to do that with you.

Squiggle

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

(from "Please Hear What I'm Not Saying" by Charles C. Finn )

Dear T,

I came across this today. It really made me stop and think about what you have told me so many times. I know this is true, but it is sometimes so hard to do!

"Who are you helping most when you forgive the person who hurt you? Actually, you’re helping yourself more than the other person. I always looked at forgiving people who hurt me as being really hard. I thought it seemed so unfair for them to receive forgiveness when I had gotten hurt. I got pain, and they got freedom without having to pay for the pain they caused. Now I realize that I’m helping myself when I choose to forgive."'

I struggle with this, but I think I am getting better at learning to forgive. When you told me I need to learn to forgive myself, I thought you were nuts! But I have found that talking through things with you helps me "let things go". I am learning to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made.

Squiggle

Dear T, missing sessions, sort of. kinda enjoying the break, the pressure to talk is off... thanks

Dear T,
I'm glad you are going on vacation and taking care of yourself, but I really miss you.

Dear pdoc

I don't think of our therapeutic relationship and I wonder if there's something wrong with me because of that?
Could it be because I have suffered from countertransferance from my previous soooo-should-NOT-be-looking-after-other-peoples-mental-health t?

F

wow....thanks so much 4 writing that....its what i could have written to my T !!! its so good to know i am not alone in the way i feel....i have felt so wierd and strange ....didnt think anyone else felt like me....thanks

Dear T,

Did I hurt your feelings when I said you were pessimistic? I don't really mean that and I have no idea why those thoughts even came to me today.

In case you haven't noticed, I am kinda messed up. It's not you. It's me. I bet I am frustrating the heck out of you, aren't I? Seventeen months and I am back to this? I wonder if I am ever going to 'graduate'.

I guess there may come a point when I have to accept that I only made it half way and drop out. I could be in therapy forever at the rate I am going.

Dear T,
Thank you for taking care of me today-I'm starting to believe you really will stay with me and not leave me-I love our time together and I enjoyed how I felt today in session-even though I felt like a little girl sometimes...you made me giggle and I needed that! I think I'm ready to start some serious work...no more running away! (you wouldn't let me anyways)

Dear T, I'm trying to pretend I don't care about you and I'm hoping I'll feel that way soon but the truth is is that I think of you everyday. I think I'm obsessed and I hate that. I'm glad we're back to once a week but I very tempted to call you and ask for an extra session this week so the reality is is that I hate that I'm back to once a week. But somehow or another I will make sure you never find out how bad my attachment is.

Dear T,

Our last 2 sessions have just been kind of 'blah.' I haven't felt connected to you and I don't know why. I've noticed that I'm much more present in my RL and I'm building deeper connections with those people-- but can't I have both? Can't I deepen my RL relationships AND deepen my relationship with you? I think it's good that, because I'm happy in my RL, I feel less needy and less dependent on you. But does that have to come at the expense of having a strong connection with you? I want to go back to feeling like you just "get me" and like I could spend all day curled up in your office. I WANT to feel a maternal connection with you. But, today, it felt like you were a million miles away. It felt like, try as we might, we just couldn't reach each other. I didn't like that. In order for therapy to be helpful, I need to feel connected to you.

Also, in session today, I told you that someone in RL asked me how therapy was going. I said: "It's wonderful. I've gotten X, Y, and Z out of it. I also just really like T and I think she really likes me, too." Then, RL person made the comment: "Or at least she makes you think she does!" Ouch. When I told you about this, I wanted you to say: "Of course I like you, Scorp. You know that!" But you didn't. I just needed to hear you say that. I still do. I want to bring this up with you, but I won't see you for 2 more weeks. That feels like too long to wait. And, after waiting that long, I might lose the nerve to bring it up.

Even though I feel disconnected from you right now, I still love you and the relationship I have with you. I know we'll work it out. I just wish we could work it out NOW because I don't like this feeling of being "in limbo."

Love,
ScorpioSis

scorpiosis: I feel the need to be connected with my T too. What you post often seems like I could have written it.

I hope I didn't make you feel bad about hugs. I don't know if I can tell you why I don't like to hug you lately.

I don't believe you about the tears, but I know you never lie to me.

I appreciate you telling me I could see you on a Monday so I don't have to miss another week!

I love you!

T

I think you're giving up on me and it's breaking my heart. I want you to hold onto the hope when I lose it. Please don't give up on me. I need you. I need your support. I don't know if it's okay to contact you. I don't know how to. I'm scared that if I do, you will say you don't know how to help me, again. I wish you knew how I've been feeling and I wish that it mattered.

Help,

Night

Dear T,

I know you care about me alot, but one thing that bothers me is i feel that you give me mixed messages. This is confusing for me. I wish you would not give me mixed messages since i often feel mixed up and confused within myself.

I need you to be simpler with me.

Dear T, i think it is scaring me that i have been in therapy for so long and still you feel i need for me to keep going. and i feel the need to keep going it did make me feel better that you have been seeing other clients longer than me. just how unfixable am i? is there really any hope? i think this is why i am so numb and wanting to run... i am hopeless

i am scared

Dear T,
I know you had to cancel our appointment today because you needed to be with a family member for an appointment, and I was so touched when you said, "Let's do a longer phone conference tomorrow so we can talk." You rock!

Dear T,
I am not really sorry for sobbing all over you today. I'll probably do it a few times more until I move away. Just keep handing me the tissues.
Sad,
Crazy

Dear T -
Your email meant so much to me this afternoon. You helped ground me and held me up at the same time. You're in my heart and in my head. Not sure how you do that.

Dear T,

I miss you. I hope you are having a nice, relaxing vacation.

Dear daughter's T,

I'm anxious to see you Monday. I'm confused by our relationship. I hope you will talk to me for a little bit.

I wish I could ask you if you still cared, I know logically you do ... I just wish I could check and have that reassurance; and wish even more I didn't feel the need for it

You COULD ask for that reassurance. It's hard to ask, but it feels so good to hear the answer.

I want to email you and tell you what's going on, but even more than that, I want to come see you. I've still got three free sessions left, so I don't see why I can't. It's conjuring the ballz to ask my parents about it that's bothering me. Oh well if I can't, though - it's not that big of a deal. I'll just see you the 29th like I was going to in the first place. I'm assuming we'll start doing EMDR again. Fun, real fun. I hope it will help, I really do. I need to let go of my sad memories. They probably wouldn't appear sad to most people, but they've left sort of a depressing imprint on my mind.

I guess what matters is that they're sad to me.

Dear T,

I hope the email I sent you last night did not freak you out. I don't want you to know those things, but I kinda think it is important that you do. You know how many times I act like I am okay and nothing is any big deal. Well, right now things are a big deal and I wanted you to know.

For some reason, that makes me feel bad for you to know those things about me. It makes me feel like I don't appreciate all you have done for me. It worries me that you will think you haven't done a good job. That is why I don't like to tell you stuff like that.

I guess that is really dumb though. I mean, I am supposed to tell you those things, but I don't want you to know. I know I already told you some of it, but I didn't tell you just how bad it is. I always think I can work it all out by myself. Well, I can't. I guess in time it will all pass, but what I am really doing is stuffing it down and waiting for my body to swallow it up so that it disappears.

You have taught me that they don't disappear. They come up again at some point in my life. I don't want to continue in that pattern. That is why I told you those things.

I wonder if you will respond with something? I know you will, but I don't want you to. Why? because then reality will hit me that I just spilled it all out to you and I can't take it back. Now you will bring this up in our next session, won't you? I don't want to talk about this. There is nothing that can change any it. It is just part of life. Everybody goes through stuff. That's just the way it is.

Hi T,

It was great to see you yesterday, and I really missed you these past few weeks. I feel really guilty about this, but I googled information on the contest you entered. I asked you about it in session innocently, but I already knew the answer to my question. I was testing you, and you weren't very forthcoming with me. I understand that you were trying to maintain good boundaries, but it made me feel sad just the same.

I wish we were friends. I would pay for a whole session where I could just ask you questions and listen to you talk.

I know you told me I could ask you anything (and that you would just say you weren't comfortable answering something if it came to that), but when I ask you things, you get quiet and shift in your chair. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.

-winter