Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,

I don't really hate you, but you sure do push my buttons. I guess maybe that is what therapist's are supposed to do? Make us face the hard facts? I would prefer to live in La-La Land!

I would like to bring my own chair this week since there is no other chair in your new office. Would it be okay if I bring a fold-up camping chair? I want to face the wall if I need to. I want to look out the window if I want to. I may just sit in the floor. I may even bring my blanket. I feel like I am regressing.

My grown up Squiggle is struggling with her identity. She is struggling with the reality of her life.

Squiggle

Dear tdoc,

I have met my match. Thank you.

F

Dear T - This. I have fought you tooth and nail - didn't want to trust, didn't want to open up, pushed you away as hard as I could, etc etc. But you are stronger than I am and you wouldn't budge. Thank God you know what you're doing, because one of us has to .. and it's not me. Thank you for sticking with me.

Dear Cold, Distant T,

I really am getting over this whole thing. I still think you're on some crazed power trip, and you insist on saying as little as possible, but the sting is starting to fade from this relationship. I'm understanding a lot more of what happened in there, and part of my journey is learning to listen to my own sense of what I need. that's fine. It is a great lesson in fact, however, I have discovered LOTS of people, particularly women, in this city who have had the same experience with you. FOr them, it wasn't so drawn out, because they were more sure of their own needs. I have some struggles with that. I felt like lot of the time you were instigating issues, problems and kind of stirring the pot and that felt, at first manipulative, and in the end, just kind of well....sadistic. That's the bottom line, I think you're one mean sob. And guess what? You gotta live with that. I talked to one woman who literally ran out of your office. Wish I had done the same. I would be a lot richer...but maybe not wiser. Onwards. It feels good to post this here. And it feels good to have some support, which is one of the key missing ingredients in your therapy. You are a pompous jerk!

dear T
i am anxious about coming to see you tomorrow which is ridiculous as i, well maybe a couple times i have been anxious to see you after leaving messages that were scary that i didnt know how you would react to, but i am so afraid of how you are going to react to pdoc's email, the fact that i am working with him too. this damn loyalty bind. i feel like you are going to reject me and tell me we cannot work together as long as i am working with pdoc. this is so stupid. god i could so use this as an example in the class that i teach because this has me so torn up but that would reveal that i am nuts in a professional setting and i certainly cant do that, but damn it is such a good example. i wonder if i can talk to you about how it is making me feel. that is certainly something that i should be able to talk about in therapy but do i have the courage to do it. maybe i should think about it. yes maybe. but please, be mature, get over it. dont bash my pdoc tomorrow.

Dear T,

Would you please stop suggesting I might be angry with you.
I'm not.
Really.
Can't even GO there!
But your asking is starting to tick me off. lol

Hey T,

You really pissed me off with your text last night and now I'm mad at you!

*Hiss!!*

Love your favorite, Cats.

Dear T,

I really needed you last night-it was a horrible one...I had some really bad thoughts-and just don't feel well-I miss you-Monday can't come soon enough-I need a hug from you!!!!

I've actually had to make signs (literally signs) to get my point across on certain things that my therapist had just vapor locked on.

Not saying it was the best approach, but he never brought it up again....

I wish I could tell my therapist that I recently discovered that men are capable of profound tenderness.

No wait, I'll likely will tell him this. His response, undoubtedly, will be "DUH".

I may kick him for that.

Just sayin'

I have seen this a million times and thought...no I have told my T everything. However, over the past 6 months there has been a realization that I can NOT seem to tell her. I want to and I need to but it just won't spill out when I'm in the room with her. This is so strange because I am pretty good about telling T at first notice. I am so frustrated with myself about this. Maybe I can tell her tomorrow...????

Last session I felt so good when she was responding to me in a way that let me know that she really knows me well. It just felt like comfort and relief that I'm not alone.
I have a very hard time talking about things like this that seem tender and intimate, but I do want to tell her how good it made me feel when I was falling apart into pieces and she could see the whole me.

Dear T,

I'm fading away. Please come find me.

Dear T,

Today was very challenging. My student (who lost her mother yesterday) was at school today. As you can imagine I was shocked when she came in the room. She was pale. She went to her desk, layed her head down, and sobbed. I knew that the worst thing I could do was to try to hug her. That would only make her cry harder and me break down in front of the other kids.

I went for back up help. My assistant took her and they went outside and played. Yes, they played silly stuff that little girls would like to do. Played hopscotch on the sidewalk, drew chalk pictures, talked about silly things that happen in school, etc...This brought a smile to her face.

Then it was my turn. I had her for the next hour. We went into the teacher's lounge and ate honey buns and drank Sprite! She was so tickled by this. I asked her what she wanted to do next. At first she didn't know. Then she asked if I would go with her out on the playground. I told her sure we can. (No one was out there, yet). We walked around, she swang in the swing, I stood by her and didn't say a word. I let her talk when she was ready.

Next we took a nice long walk. She began to chatter away about things she liked to do. She talked about her family and her church. She finally told me that she would not be at school tomorrow. She said, "I am going to see my mom." She went on to say, "I don't think I will here after that. I think we are moving."

I didn't probe for more information. She didn't offer anything. We continued to act like two silly girls hanging out at school and did not have to do any work! She couldn't get enough of two teachers taking turns spending time with her. Just her. She did not have to share us with any of the other kids.

She never mentioned her mother again. She talked about alot of things. But never her mother. I didn't push any of the conversation. Just let her lead. My emotions were totally shut down. This was not about me. It was about her. She needed a strong figure today. Someone that would be there for her. To give her support and encouragement in any way that she needed it.

We said that my assistant and I were playing TAG. She took this child for about an hour, and I took her. Then we had the school counselor take her for another hour. It was quite an interesting day. I am so surprised that none of the other students even asked about it. Or questioned why she was getting so much attention.

As the adults taking care of her today, we all knew that our emotions had to be completely turned off. It was obvious this child was not open to any of that kind of interaction. She was not wanting to talk about it. So, we didn't.

I noticed that other staff members saw us walking around the school campus. By now, most of them knew the story and realized what we were doing. We passed many teary-eyed teachers. I did not make eye-contact with them. I could not allow myself to break down when she was with me. She was clinging to me so strong. Her body language said one thing, but the words that came out were another thing.

I wonder if I should have brought it up? Did I do the right thing? I hope that I did. I just allowed her to lead the conversation today. I told her that it was her special say. My assistant and I were there just for her. I am not sure if she really realized why. If she did, she never mentioned it.

She clung to me all day. As we were leaving to go home, she walked so close to me that I kept feeling that she would end up tripping me if I didn't focused on where her feet were and where mine were!

As we got closer to her bus, I felt the tears coming up. I kept telling myself, "Hold it back. Just 5 more minutes. Get her to her bus!" When we got to her bus, I hugged her tight, kissed her on the head, and told her that I loved her. I said that I would see her when she got back.

I watched her climb the stairs into the bus. She took her seat beside the window and looked out at me. I waved good bye. And walked away thinking, "Okay, now what? What are you going to do now? You can cry, no one will see you. But by now I had shut those emotions down for so long, that they were not there. At least I could not reach them.

Other teachers walked up to me and wanted to talk about it. I went through the story with no emotion at all. They were all crying, but I wasn't. I spent all day yesterday and last night crying. Today, I did not. This was her day. She came to school and needed me. I took care of her like I would want someone to take care of my child. I hope that I made wonderful memories with her. I may never see her again, but I am hoping she will never forget this day that we spent together. I hope that she could feel my love for her.

I may never see her again. I may never know where she is going or what classroom she may be sitting in next month. I just hope that we will see each other again. I will never forget her. Never. And I hope that she never forgets me. That is a role that we, as teachers, hope to acheive with all of our students. But this time, it is more special than ever. Did I make a difference in her life? I hope that one day, she will find me again, and we can talk about this wonderful day that she and I had together.

I miss her already.

Dear T
so you made it pretty clear that you dont approve of me working with both you and pdoc. you asked what i wanted but i avoided answering. i feel so trapped. of course i will choose you. but you told me pdoc wrote to you that he was invested in me. do you know how good that makes me feel? i wish i could have read the emails between the two of you. it makes me feel better that you wrote him back when you originally said you were staying out of it, that i was on my own with him. you said you wanted him to understand me better. with what you read me, it gives me the impression pdoc views me as a simple anxiety case and you certainly set him straight, but then again, what you said really concerns me of how you view me. but we went thru this once already. am i really this sick? if i am, why is therapy not more aggressive? but you informed him of the importance of my meds which will hopefully make next med check easier to navigate. you told me you liked me today. you listed several good qualities and said, thats why i like you. it was very genuine. i appreciated that.

help..........

Dear Pdoc
Why on earth would you write an email to my T and say that you did not realize I was in therapy????? that makes absolutely no sense at all. my very first appt i handed you a letter from my T that gave you my DX and meds and such as a way of introduction because i was so anxious about having a new doctor. In the second appt you asked me what my T thought about how you were addressing my anxiety. when we talked on the phone you brought him up by name. Again, how can you then turn around and send him an email saying you didnt know i was in therapy???? so how am i supposed to trust you? something like this doesnt show much character. lack of integrity. and still, sick me, im thrilled that you say youre invested in me. you make me mad that your screwing with my meds, but still you say you want to help me get better and giving me tools and techniques and i am just eating them up going overboard making myself crazy thinking they are the magic wand that are going to make me well. am i being too hopeful, blinded by wishes, false promises, are you a snake oil salesman? youre a liar (established by lie to T, lied to me about meds), youre a cheat (say will rx certain dosage of meds then undercuts them), but you sure are able to talk me up to feeling really good about trying your anxiety strategies. this is certainly giving me a new view. all these mixed feelings are driving me a bit nuts. u shouldnt be driving me nuts.

((((Squiggles)))) Your loving kindness and support of your student makes me cry. She was so lucky to have you as her teacher, especially at this time. It sounds like you gave each other strength

Thanks for being an outstanding and compassionate teacher and person!

dear t, i didn't get fired, i didn't even get in trouble. i just took an event and turned it into a major issue. and it isn't.
i'm okay.

i am still hurt by you. that has not changed. six weeks, yeah, still feels like you are trying to get rid of me. except this time you succeeded.

lol, at least i'm finally losing some weight. yeah for me! may reach that goal after all.

Dear T -

Thanks for:

• being there for me today
• not rejecting me
• understanding me

The rupture has been healed. And so we continue to peel away the layers ......

T

Thank you for helping me laugh yesterday. I am not sure if it was out of exasperation or what, but it was nice to not feel so heavy hearted for a moment.

Dear T,

I know you think I still need to come weekly, but I am not sure. I am just going on what you tell me. I hope that I can trust that you are doing what is really best for me. I don't want to waste your time.

Squiggle

Dear T,

do I really have to continue this daily check in until next time I see you? Because I hate it. Please? I'll be good. You only care because I pay you to. If I worried about bothering you before it's nothing compared to now.

Dear T,
I have a hug for you today too.
SAWE

Dear T,
Why do I feel like everything is falling apart? I have been scared for YEARS to bring up the fact that i am afraid nothing will ever change for me, because i don't know what i am working towards. We constantly get in the same "stuck" place with me once crisis' are resolved. I never know what to do past that. Last session was by far the worst i've had in a very very long time...maybe ever. I wish I had never brought it up. It hurt when you said you wouldn't pry out of me the e-mail I wrote, or that your role isn't to convince me if i'm ok or not. I guess it makes sense, but i feel horrible. My homework this week is to think of goals I want to work towards--and I.don't.know.

how am i supposed to figure out something i haven't known since i can remember? i don't want to stay stuck, i don't want to keep frustrating you. i don't want to give up or have you give up. It feels like this is it. The end. I know you want me to call EMDR-T, thinking this is the perfect time for it...but i have such a strong resistance against it. I don't think I have trauma from my past...so how can it possibly help?

If therapy stops, my tiny glimpse of a better life will be gone.