Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

(((((((((( velcro )))))))))) I don't know if everyone decided that comments in this thread are OK or not but your pain is so great that I had to say something if you don't mind
the fact that you recognize resistance for what it is, is good work; so many people just deny it and leave. Could this be a goal for you and T, to talk about resistance and by doing so maybe it will lose some of its power? It doesn't even have to be YOUR resistance, unless you feel OK with that, you can just put one toe in the water.

I too struggle with therapy goals - but don't give up - your post shows so much desire to heal, I hope you will please keep trying.

hugs

What I would like to say to therapist #1

You promised you'd never hurt me, but you did.

Therapist #2

I don't want to trust you. I don't want to get close to you, so you can walk away like the other one did.

Dear T
I want to be honest with you. That sounds weird to say because its not like Im dishonest with you, I just dont feel like we have deep and meaningful conversations. This is different though, I guess because in being honest it brings up feelings of embarrassment, shame for the feelings i would be discussing. Just typing this now I am getting chest pains from the anxiety over the idea of talking this over with you. And I could cry as well. And I am posting this for people to read, why does this thread feel so much like a private journal and it just wouldnt offer the same relief if it wrote it in a journal because i need to send things away to make me feel better, to let them go. This stupid dilemma between you and pdoc. I skirted the issue when you asked me directly how I felt about it, but you kept talking after you asked so fault is yours as well. In looking at the big picture, pdoc doesnt seem like a great guy, he lied to you, he has presented falsely to me, saying he will prescribe and then not following through. He wants to take me off the med that works, not logical. So we have two reasons why this man is not looking out for my best interests. But then, he says he can help me get better. He has me hooked. He says he is invested in me. OMG, this is the part i am embarrased and ashamed to admit, but do you know how great that makes me feel? A doc invested in me? Anybody invested in me???? Im crying right now writng this. somebody feeling im worth investing in. How can I pass up that help? How do I say no, not interested? I feel like a little girl finally getting approval. i hope i can tell you this.

on another topic, we need to discuss how you view me. you keep having me come back week after week and i wonder why. i know you must have a reason. and you wrote pdoc a letter explaining me and read me parts and you told me that i was not ready to get off the haldol. you were adamant about it even though i said i was willing to try. youre not a med man so i know you think there is a good reason for it, i just cant figure out what has been going on in my life that could justify your response. it seems that we are on a differnt page when it comes to the severity of my illness. i know that you have been working on figuring out how my brain works, but how can we be more proactive in doing something to make things better? that is what i like about what pdoc is doing, we are doing something active to address the anxiety issues. you it is appt after appt of just talking about what happened the last two weeks and you are taking little pieces to work on the puzzle and i am not getting tools to cope with life. i want to be more active in my recovery.

so i hope we can discuss this when i see you. i think it will be a big step for me. see you then.

Thanks SAWE. i think most of my therapy HAS been talking about resistance. to the whole process, needing help, deserving help, being anything but "ok"...etc. i'm going to try and be as open as i can next week...it feels like my therapy life depends on it, but i've said and not done this so many times, i don't trust myself.

What a great thread. There are so many times that I think about what I will or should or could say at my next visit, and then I show up and it's just easier to scratch the surface than it is to dig deep, to tell you the most concerning of my behaviors and thoughts. And now I feel like i've been dishonest, withholding, and it's not right because you've done so much to help me, and I feel like I should be trying my hardest, in return.

I read some other posts here where people admitted their T was in some way a parental figure to them. For me, you are like a mom figure, and when we met I was a needy teenager, but now this has grown to somewhere else. Somewhere where I want so badly to be doing better, to show you that your kindness and compassion are not in vain, that I am afraid to tell you the things that will show that I am not well. So I stick to the regular topics - stresses at work, with family, over money - I sleep too much and I get sick too much and all of this keeps us plenty busy. But then I don't tell you about how much I really am smoking pot, how I binge on candy and ice cream regularly, how I spend too much time and money on things that are fleeting. If I waste money on pot, how can I justify the financial help you've given me in times past? Was I worthy of that? I don't want to disappoint you, so much that I'm hiding parts of myself, and I can't heal those if I don't address them, so how do I get past this?

I could have written this post Velcro. I feel exactly the same way.

Today I got an email today from one person who has been helping me, not my T. I think she's given up on me...and there goes a little bit of hope that doesn't exist unless other people hold onto it for me...

Because what am I hoping for or heading towards? I've never known. I'm stuck too and I think all the people who help me end up feeling stuck as well. My poor T. I like her so much and she gets lumped with me!

Hang in there!

Being the one who started this thread, I think that comments are just fine when appropriate. You did a good job on your response. I think support should be given when needed. We shouldn't hold back. If someone would rather not receive comments, they can put that on their posts.

Thank you for being sensitive to a need and offering support/encouragement.

Squiggle

dear T,

why did you sound really sad, when i said I was feeling happy again?

Dear t, ten more days and i am suppose to have an appt with you. but it will not happen. the fact that you wanted me to wait over six weeks, again what life lesson am i supposed to be learning here?
i do not know for the life of me what you are trying to accomplish other than maybe this is your way of telling me goodbye for good and maybe you don't like to deal with termination, so you just piss off the client so that they never return? or maybe just one client in particular???
I told you a long time ago, therapy is a game, you have the book sense, i have the sense of having lived it. and you said you weren't playing, and i told you were, and then you said, you didn't want to win, i think you changed your mind because i feel like i have lost. sorry.thanks.bye.

T

I miss you.

Equally I like you and your company and you make me feel better.

I'll miss you a lot when you go away and I don't know how I'll get through. I'm barely getting through the weeks, while you're here. You'll be so far away.

Thank you so much for all you do. It means so much to me.

It's going to be so hard making it to out next appointment. Every day is so hard.

I miss you.

Night

Dear T,

I am trying really hard not to email you this time. Yes, I know that you "want" me to email between sessions. Yes, I know that you will read and respond. Yes, I know that it helps me alot.

But, am I too dependent on you? I know that you tell me I am not. I know that you tell me I don't have that type of personality and you have not seen any indications that I am overly attached or dependent on you.

But, how would I know? How do you know that? I am not constantly thinking about you, or wishing you were part of my family or my best friend or anything.

But, you are a part of my whole circle of relationships. I don't know how I will react when my time with you is over. I don't think I will fall apart or anything, but I see others who have. I see others who worry themselves sick about "the end".

I am not doing that as of yet. I know that you keep telling me that you don't see discharging me anytime soon. But, what happens when the new year starts and I have to meet my deductible all over again? I don't see how I can pay full rate again until that is met.

I think it will hurt my feelings more than anything if I am put in a position that I "have" to stop. That stupid rejection and abandonment issue would kick into high gear. I know that you cannot work for free, but how will I handle that?

I wish I did not think about the future, but I do. I am a chronic worrier. I am trying to stop doing that (as you have often talked with me about). Bottom line is that I do worry about things that "may" come. I worry about all the "what ifs".

I think if I would start getting into some kind of exercise routine it would help me tremendously. I know that I need to find ways to de-stress. I have been thinking about that.

I will get past this. Tomorrow is another day. I just wanted to 'talk' myself through these emotions by writing them down and NOT sending it to you.

That's about it. Let's see if I can make it 3-4 more days without contacting you. You will probably get on to me for that because you think I need to check in and process things between sessions... just to let you know where I'm at before I come in next time.

I hope no major crisis hits me this week. I have had enough of all the drama!

Squiggle

Really, T, really??! You and my best friend are becoming friends? What are the chances of this ever happening? I feel so jealous...
How are we going to handle this? I trust that you will have my best interests in heart.
we really need to talk.

You told me Wednesday that you'll be gone a month in November. I've never gone that long before and you were concerned how I'd do. Since the topic for our session was me considering that I was done with therapy, it would have been incongruous to be worried about you being gone. Now, I'm not so sure. On one hand it seems far away but on the other hand, it's going to come up fast. How will I do? I have no idea.

This is actually a question I have for the posters in this thread.

My therapist keeps talking about me 'bringing my emotions' into therapy sessions. Yes, I have cried. Yes, I have show anger. Yes, I have shown sorrow, fear, worry, etc.......

I don't really know what she wants me to do. She says that I just 'go through the motions' when I am in a session. I told her that I cannot 'turn on my emotions' every Wednesday at 5:00. She says that is not what she is talking about.

She tells me that I refuse to really get emotional in front of anyone. Well, who doesn't try to refrain from that? I don't want to go into the 'ugly' cry. I don't want to just sit there and sob with her. It is just not my nature at all. I wasn't raised in a 'overly emotional' family.

Yes, there was lots of engaging in activities and stuff. We did a lot of things together. We were close, just not huggy lovey dovey.

I don't know what she is wanting me to do. Am I that cold? Am I a robot? What is it? I need some help trying to figure this one out. Can anyone help me?

She says that I still have a wall up. I am still very guarded. What the heck does that mean? I don't think we should just 'fall apart' with people. We have to still be in control of our emotions, don't we?

Yes, I cry while sitting at my computer doing my journal writing. Yes, I cry when I am in the bathroom. Yes, I cry when I am in bed. I do cry! I do release my pent up emotions and frustration.

Right now she is frustrating me! She normally turns out to be right about things, but I am totally baffled as to what she is getting at.

HELP!

Squiggle

Maybe she wants you to talk about your emotions, to talk about why you cry in your bathroom and not to a friend? maybe she wants to go into why the need to cry is their, rather than just showing it, ofcourse I do not know you or your situation or exactly what goes on in your sessions but this is the impression I get from your post, BUT maybe you should sit with her and tell her this and hopefully she will explain it too you?

That's a good one! I think you may be on to something...........

Not crying alone? HHhhhmmmmmm........I will ponder that one.

Thanks.

Dear T,

What are you going to do with me at the end of the year? You know how bad our finances are. You know that I struggle all the time with one financial crisis after another. You also know that I have been telling you for the past month that I am worried about having to end therapy at the end of the year because I just can't swing paying $200 a month to meet my deductible again.

Will you cut me off? Will you work with me? Are you planning to start weaning me off of therapy before that time comes? I keep asking you if I need to continue to come weekly. You keep saying that I do.

I am confused a little bit. If you are planning to end in December, will you please let me know so that I can prepare for that? If you are not able to work with me financially, will you tell me now?

I would rather know now so that I can mentally prepare myself. I know that you don't want me to 'go there', but I need to! I need to know what your plans are.

Squiggle

Thanks!

I wanted to tell my new t this.

I am not sure I can. I am afraid of her.

Billi

this thread is helping me hold on tonight, in an even better way than a t might.

Self-help is so valuable.

this is therapy!

real experiences!

Just had to say it.

thank you for this thread.

I wish we could all turn this into a petition and send it to the American Psychological Association!

Billi

Dear T,

I'm not doing ok tonight. I am having a lot of anxiety and urges to SI, really bad urges.
You have told me to call you when I feel this way, but you never answer this late at night. I don't know what to do, where to go from here. I know I won't be talking about this on Monday at our session

Squiggle,
When I first broke down and let out the big sobbing ugly cry in front of T it was a mess (major snot) but it was such a relief afterwards! It was so freeing! He saw me in the grossest possible moment and he didn't judge or cringe- in fact he was his most supportive EVER.

I didn't plan it for that session, it was just a flood that I couldn't hold back anymore.

(The snarky part of me wants to jokingly suggest that you tell your T to "trust the process" and that it will come when the time is right...

I have had crying episodes. Not many, but I have had major breakdowns in her office. The first one, I clearly remember!! It was the first session that I took a pillow and blanket. I took her 'my confession' and she read it outloud to me. OMG that was the most horrific thing I have ever done.

Once I asked her if I could turn my chair around. I knew that I needed to cry, I just did not want her staring at me. What is wrong with that? Why do I need to allow her to LOOK at me while I cry?

I don't know that she wants me to 'cry'. She just wants me to bring emotion to the words I speak. I think that I do! Maybe not every time, or all the time. I mean, you can't "cry on cue"! You can't snap your fingers and turn it on at a certain time on a certain day.

I have plenty of emotion. I write to her when I am in one of those moments, so she knows that I get emotional. Emotions come when they come. They are not something that we plan or can bring up at anytime. For me, they just happen when they happen.

I don't think that I hold back. She seems to think that I do. I have asked her "Could you cry on cue? Could you turn on those feelings in front of someone? Could you just whip them up when someone wants to 'see' them?"

Personally, I think my writing speaks volumes.She should be able to "feel" my emotions when reading my journal/homework stuff.

I did but I will never again.

Your t sounds like mine sooooooo irritating. I'm doing the best I can!