Is there something you'd like to tell your therapist but you can't?

Dear T,
I finally noticed that you have taken to using that pillow as a lumbar support and I told you that I had wondered what had happened to it and that >> I dare[d] not ask you what happened to it, just in case your favorite client (whom I know I can never be) asked to take it home, and you said yes.
When you heard this you blinked but said nothing, and I continued, "we [clients] are all alike you know; we are not different." And you gave that merry little laugh of yours.
It made me realize what an abyss there is between us, between that sunny spot you seem to live in, and the shadowy places I live in..........
SAWE

Dear t, i don't want you to be dispointed in me that I have been using again. When will this hurt go away. I'm scared that you are going to tell me that you are done trying to help me!

Dear T, feeling stressed, stressed and more stressed.
afraid to come back, feels like you are trying to teach me life lessons again... and i am feeling stupid.
telling me things and then just leaving me hanging with it SUX!

I emailed you most of what I wanted to say, but I didn't say how much I really like your hair. I didn't say that it scares me how I felt attracted to you today, not in a sexual way, but in a totally overwhelming wave of emotion that felt "too much." You are SO familiar to me. I just want to be with you and soak it up. I'm trying to accept the part that wants that. That's the part that confuses all my feelings for you with adult ones. I think she's a baby who wants to merge with Mommy but I'm an adult so I don't know how to accept those feelings. Holding your hand felt so, so good today. I would have held it forever and ever just to feel that way. Thank you for letting me do it and for sitting next to me and going past the time by 10 minutes. I love you.

Dear Future T,
Come out, come out, wherever you are!!! If you would like to conveniently bold your name in my 300 page insurance list, that would be great. I can't wait to meet you... we have a LOT to talk about.

Dear T,

you tell me to feel my feelings, that I can handle it, you know I can. Then, when I can't and I text you and get no response, I feel worse, which makes me know i can't handle it.

Why would you give me this assignment when you are going to be gone an extra week?

Dear T,

the message you left me yesterday was, at bottom, a yank on my choke collar. Even a dog can tell.

thanks a lot.
SAWE

oh im sorry to hear that SAW!

Dear pdoc,

I canceled my appt because I am wimp. I'm ready to see you again now.

F

maybe I should tell her after all. grrrrrr even a dog............

Dear T, feeling better today than yesterday day, still tired. working working working... it will ease up in a couple of weeks, hopefully you will have an opening. i would try to get an appt now but that would mean having to call your office and talk to you. you said "it is the only other form of communication we have right now" i am trying to remember that, but i feel like i am wasting your time and that you hate me calling even though you said i could. i don't want to get in trouble again.

Dear T,

I know you are going to want to talk about the events that have happened the past few days. I would rather we not bring that up. If I ask you not to, will you honor that? Or will you ask me why I don't want to talk about it?

I would think it will be the later of these two questions because you think I am stuffing my emotions again. Well, so what if I am? I have actually had two of the best days at work that I have had in a long time. My people skills were great! I was actually socializing with my co-workers. I bet that shocks you, doesn't it?

I had a blast with my students, got some things organized in my room, and spent a good bit of time working on some of my educational programs on the computer. I was able to chat with my assistant principal and actually had a very nice conversation. See, I did a very good job with interacting this week. Does that make you happy?

I feel that the foot will drop at any moment and you are going to read this and ask me, "Okay, how does that make you FEEL?" It makes me FEEL great about myself, that's how I FEEL. So, what's the big deal that I did not choose to focus on my situation at home? I think that it was wise that I did not. I chose to focus on the things that I really needed to be focusing on, and not sulking in self-pity.

You know, my life it what it is. I will have many more days like those I had this week with my husband. Tremendous trials and times that I want to lock myself in a room and never come out. But I can't do that. If I let my emotions get all tangled up in everything that happens in my life, then I don't think I would be very productive, would I?

Did I want to run down the street screaming like a mad woman? Yes, I did. Did I want to get in my car and drive as far away from here as I can? Yes, I thought about that too. There were a few other things that I wanted to do, but I stopped myself. I mean, what good is that really going to do if I chose unhealthy ways to cope?

As to the other situation about why I feel rejected when situations arise where I am not asked to participate? If I am a very qualified person to be a part of something and I am obviously left out, of course that bothers me. Yes, I feel rejected and 'not good enough'. Who wouldn't?

In this particular situation, when I really pondered this for awhile, I realized that it took me back 18 years ago when I was majorly rejected. I was part of something for 5 years, and then out of nowhere, I get slammed with something like, "We can't use you anymore."

Sometimes it's the way things are said that makes it so bad. Or the way it was handled. The way I was approached, or rather "avoided" was like I had been labelled as "The Outcast". Or I had some contagious disease or something.

Because of this hurt, I never allowed myself to be a part of something like that again for a very long time. It was 14 years before I was confident enough to trust this type of thing again. That says alot about how deep that wound was.

Even though I can look back now and realize that maybe I should have taken a backseat for awhile, I didn't see that at the time. I couldn't understand why I had been tossed aside like I was not needed anymore. I was not good enough for them. I was tarnished or something.

When you have been very faithful and dedicated to something and become close to those people, they are like family. You trust them. Yet, when one of that family chooses to 'kick you out' and no one takes up for you at all, how would that make you feel?

You have told me many times that things in our past move along with us to the present time if we have never allowed ourselves to really 'deal' with it when it happens. You tell me that our past affects how we are today. Maybe that's true. Maybe its just one of the typical "therapist lines/quotes."

I could say that I am over this incident that happened just recently with me not being asked to participate, but if I am being totally honest, I am not. I am happy for those who are participating, but sad that I can't be a part of that. Yes, it is a grieving process that still haunts me today. Yes, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Yes, I feel quite childish for pouting about it.

So what will we talk about today? That is yet to be seen. Will I want to talk about these things? Probably not. Why? because I would rather not get emotional. I would rather stay in my 'survival mode'. It is working for me so far, and hopefully will carry me through the rest of this week.

What's wrong with kicking into survival mode? I think that's a wise choice for me at the moment. And to the (dumb) question you asked me "Why do I shut down when I walk in the door for my session?" That has got to be the dumbest of all dumb questions for a therapist to ask! Probably 90% or more clients go through this. It's just part of the therapy process. Shutdowns just happen. There are times when we CANNOT talk about things. There are times when we CANNOT get the words out because we don't know how to put our emotions into words.

Sometimes we completely dissociate and remove ourselves from what is currently going on. Personally, I like to fall into these times of total 'out there' phases. It is quite peaceful to be in that state of mind.

I hope I can actually say all of this to you face to face, but I doubt that will happen. Maybe I can print this off and let you read it. Not out loud. Just to yourself. I don't know what I will do. Tomorrow will be interesting. Every session is interesting because I never know who is going to show up!

Squiggle

T - I was really close to letting go at the start of today's session, but once again I reigned myself in. There is so much going on in my life right now. I am overwhelmed. I find myself hopeful for next weeks session because I am sure I will be keyed up due to the fact that it is the day before I get the results from all these tests I've been taking. I am nervous and scared and worried that I won't get good news and if I don't I won't be able to handle it well. If that happens then I will have a whole week until I will get to talk to you about it. So stressed out that it physically hurts.

I'm genuinely afraid that I might not ever get past this and be okay. I'm sad that I can't believe you when you reassure me that I will get through this. I'm scared I am going to annoy you and really test your patience because I just know I will keep asking if you can really help me, and stubbornly tell you that I am beyond help and not worth your time. I hate that my past has made me so afraid of every relationship, afraid that the person is sooner or later going to hate me and leave me, and this therapeutic relationship is certainly not exempt from that fear.

On the other hand, I do have moments of clarity when I realize that you are sincerely committed to being there for me, and you do see me as worthy of being helped. I was moved by what you wrote in your email to me, "...I know you feel terrible right now, and I'm sorry. I wish there was a faster way out of this pain...", because it felt like more than just therapist babble. I really believe you meant that.

Please be patient with me. Please don't get mad at me. Please stick with me. I'm stubborn, my judgment and logic are clouded and I'm emotionally hurt but somewhere in there is a good person who wants to be healed, and I want you to help me find her.

Dear C,

I went online the other day and notice you changed your profile on what you want to work with. You know in many ways I fall outside of that profile. So I am wondering, do you still want to do this? Even in the begining my Pdoc thought you might not be a good fit for me, But I went ahead anys ways. I don't think I can start over but I need an honest answer not a clinical one, please.

Maggy Jo

WOW! Some of you actually read this whole thing? I was going back in to delete it when I saw that. I guess I will leave it as is. For the record, I copied this and read it in my session today. YES, I actually read this to my therapist. I was proud of myself for being able to do that.

Dear pdoc,

I'm here. Right outside. Baton down the hatches.

F

Dear T, feeling sooo lost. i hope you can find me. dumb thoughts are creeping in... this is the hardest thing, having to figure out if it is me or the thought, but aren't the thoughts me...

so confused, lost lost lost and don't know if i deserve to be found.

Dear T, today is S's birthday, he is 21 and i am so angry at him. he has lied and stolen from me. i really want to tell him he is on his own...cannot deal with his $hit any longer.

this is sooo bad but i feel like he is turning into his dad....
Lord, help us all if that happens!

please call and let me schedule an appt please,,, for about two weeks away... please...
maybe i will break down and call tonight?????

Dear T,

I'm thinking I might not come back. I don't trust you. You haven't given me any reason to trust you. In fact, in my view you have given me several reasons not to trust you. I get 33 sessions with you. So, I'm going to spend all those sessions trying to figure out if I can trust you or not?!

This is stupid.

Please tell me what the feelings for you mean so that I can understand them. Please believe me when I tell you that just because I feel the way I do doesn't mean I want to do anything sexual with you. The child parts want to lie down next to you or sit in your lap. They love to be with you and to look at you because you're pretty and you smile at them. They want to be with you. The baby kangeroo part wants to climb in your pouch and stay there. I want to be little with you and you can be my Mommy.

Well today I'd like to ask her "What happened?" in our session yesterday.
But I suspect she might like to ask me that as well...

Dear T, there are things I don't think I'll ever be able to share with you. That's too bad but the shame is way too deep.

I hate that you have to go away again . I miss you already...
Yesterday, I gave you my letter,in which I told you my fantasy hug would be to sit next to you on the couch, have you hold me close to you, and kiss you on the cheek and touch your face. You smiled while reading it and said: I'm enjoying your fantasy . That warmed my heart so much... I was wondering what does it mean that you enjoyed it? Did you actually sense pleasure imagining that, or did you just say it to make me feel good? I wrote in the letter that i hope you don't cringe when you read about my feelings, and you said: I actually enjoy reading about these warm feelings and about your fantasy .
Sometimes you say just the right thing, and on one hand, it feels so good, but on the other hand, it makes me wonder if this can be real. How is it possible that you enjoy this kind of a fantasy? It is so regressed . How much do you love me? Would you like to touch me too? I know you don't love me the same way that i love you, and that your desire to touch me isn't nearly as strong as my desire to touch you, but i want to hope you have maternal feelings for me and that there is some desire to comfort me physically. I long for that so much!

I hope you have a safe trip! Can't wait for you to be back. Love you.

Sky I think you should take the risk. I don't hold anything back from my t and I mean anything. It is the closest and safest relationship you will ever have in your life.