[mixedup_emotions]

I hate it when I sink to this place....this bottomless, empty pit of pain and lifelessness....

I watched the Jaycee Dugard interview with Diane Sawyer the other night (posted on abuse forum) and it sent me spiraling....

I saw T the next day, and we both recognized the place that I was in. That deep dark hole of misery....blech. T encouraged me to access that ball of anxiety - and once I did, the tears started pouring out - but only for a short itme. It was overwhelming, the sadness....and I told T that it felt bottomless.

I moved away from the sadness....and shared more about how I am just giving up....I am too tired to try anymore. In too much pain. Too overwhelmed....Too miserable...Life has pretty much just stopped.....

T said that we talked a little bit about the sadness, but that he encourages me to let myself feel it more fully - and that it is more detrimental to keep it inside. He wants to get back to it at my next session which is tomorrow.

*sigh*

I'm really struggling with this.....I look behind me and see awfulness....I look ahead and feel fear....I stand still and feel both.....I can't seem to escape the misery.....



Because of all my dr appts., my daughter is staying with family who has other kids and a nice pool, having a great time, 4 days a week. I am thankful for this, so she can enjoy her summer....but it leaves me with just ME. And I'm not sure that's healthy for me at this moment....My sleep patterns are messed up. I am forgetting to eat until I feel like I'm going to pass out....I have zero energy. NONE. Blech....

[karebear1]

Mue- you sound so sad and miserable- but it also sounds like your in a place where great progress can be made if you can just hold on for a little while longer. I know it feels endless and useless, but it's not. You're health and well being is worth every single second of thought, energy and effort you put into it. Hold on- even when you want to let go- hold on! There is peace at the end of all this hard, ugly work.

Big hugs to you mue!

[protector1973]

do you ever watch a sad movie, something that makes you cry, distraction from your own feelins?

[SpiritRunner]

I just want to send you tons of hugs, MUE!

[lastyearisblank]

I am sorry you are feeling so bad, mue! It really does sound like a lot to handle!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks for the support, everyone. I know this will pass....but I also know it takes energy to climb out....energy that I simply don't have right now. T will say that I need to create it....I don't have the energy to create it. I really, really don't. I just realized that I haven't spoken a single word in over 24 hours. I feel soooo silent. I don't even want to see T tomorrow....I hate feeling like I'm letting him down...or being pushed....If he feels that I am in danger of hurting myself, I'm afraid he will threaten to leave me like he did the last time.....I feel so lost in life right now. Sorry for being such a downer....It's just where I am right now....

[PTSDlovemycats]

MUE, that is great for your daughter but I have to ask, what about you?? Please take care of you Sweetie. You are just as important.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, cats....((( HUGS )))

I am having trouble taking care of me right now.

I am too tired. Tired of being in physical pain all the time. Looking around my house, knowing I can't keep up with it. Being on short term disability and not having adequate income right now, so my bank account keeps dwindling...

Not wanting to ever go back to work because I hate that place, with an abusive boss, yet knowing that it would be incredibly difficult to find a job elsewhere without a degree making what I make....my company seems to be going under anyway, so it might be something I have to face anyway....but how, when I am in so much pain all the time?

Trying to be a good mom while feeling such despair...Trying to keep up with the demands of parenthood when I have no energy and am in too much pain to be who she needs me to be for her....

Being in such emotional distress over past life events...and more current life events....and looking ahead to only more uphill battles that I have no energy to combat.

Not having the energy or the strength to get through what I need to in therapy....dealing with CSA, SA, physical abuse, and an abusive marriage....

And being SO SO alone....I was with my ex-husband since I was 18 years old...and for the last 2+ years since our break-up, I have been so alone....even though it was an unhealthy marriage, I had someone....a companion, a lover, someone to help me with the house, the bills, etc. And because of my fears, low self-esteem and insecurities, I can't imagine being with anyone else....and my friendships - very few - are either superficial or unhealthy....

I just don't have the energy to go on right now. I am at a standstill in this sad, dark, lonely place....

[PTSDlovemycats]

It sounds very tough indeed, Just please be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe MUE.

[mixedup_emotions]

Just got back from my T appt.....I feel so sad.....T said that I am in a pretty serious depression at the moment. *sigh*

Since I was so lifeless during the session, T suggested that we go outside. We walked through his garden - he gave me some fresh veggies to taste, straight out of the garden. We talked about gardening...and then sat at a table next to the garden, taking in the warm air and the nice breeze.

There were a lot of silent moments....and then some fluff-n-stuff talk...I told T that I really wished I was in a place where I could take in this moment. He said that the purpose of us going outside was to help me focus on other senses, like taste and feeling the warmth of the air....and that we can gain energy by being around nature, taking in the beauty and the fascinating aspects of it.

So, we finally walked through the garden....and it felt nothing like I fantasized about. Even though we were together, I felt so far away from him. I miss him already - even though I'm glad I'm not there with him, because I hate feeling so awful in his presence.

I wish I wasn't so sad.

[karebear1]

I wish you weren't so sad either mue.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((( MUE ))))))))))))))))))

[nannypat]

I am sorry you are so sad. I have been where you are with three active boys to raise. It is so hard, but even though I didn't have an ounce of energy for me, they are what made me put one foot in front of the other to muddle through. No, I said I couldn't either, but for them, somehow I did. Your daughter needs you to be in this life for her. Sending you much love and lots of hugs.

[sunrise]

(((((MUE)))))

You sound so very down. I like what your T said about your senses and being outside closer to nature.

I hope you can make depression the focus of your time in therapy now, because it sounds so very important. It's hard to do the other work if you are so depressed and have no energy.

I encourage you to have your daughter around as much as you can. She will help you just by being there, and she needs her Mom too. Is there a way to postpone some of your doctor appointments until you are feeling less depressed? That way you would have more time to get better and more time to be with your daughter. Kind of like triage--just do the bare minimum and only the most important things, until you are back on your feet.

I am glad you have your T. Will you see him again next week?

Take care.

[elliemay]

Hold onto that moment of walking with your therapist in the garden. When this sadness lifts allow yourself to realize what a gift that was.

One day you will be able to taste, smell and experience again. This too shall pass.

Trust me, this will pass.