[kaliope]

Hey WePow - dont let a slip bring you down. the good thing about sobriety is that you can always start fresh. youve already proven you can do it, so just do it again, one day at a time.

i slept till 330 this afternoon. i feel like such a waste. but its not like i do much with my life anyway. i was supposed to work on a custody evaluation today. getting all the info typed into the computer, but now i am looking at maybe going to dinner with my son instead. i gambled away over three hundred dollars yesterday. i ran out of one of my meds and i swear it is just turning my life upsidedown. emotionally i have been a mess. i havent gambled in like nine months. i see new pdoc on 15th. hopefully he will represcribe for me.

[jazzy123456]

Didn't know we we're still doing this: Daily Roll Call. Well, todays my birthday and I'm not like super upset... just a little disappointed that my therapist couldn't email or something and just say happy birthday. I don't know if thats a wierd need to have or anything but, thats how I feel.

[lastyearisblank]

An absolutely miserable day. Someone is coming to visit me that I am v. nervous to see. He has been ignoring my emails and calls for 3 months. A family member said it was because he wants to teach me a lesson for "not calling enough". I don't know. This is my dad. I'm very very nervous about this visit.

[rainbow8]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
JAZZY

[nicoleb2]

Having a day. Just a day. Feeling kind of numb. Don't like being numb, creates a need for me to SI just to know I am alive

Originally Posted by jazzy123456

Didn't know we we're still doing this: Daily Roll Call.

This will probably be around for awhile. I do enjoy reading about every day stuff that you guys are doing. We tend to stay so focused on therapy that we don't share anything about our real life.

I hope that everyone keeps checking in.

[scorpiosis37]

Today, I'm happy. Really, truly, unequivocally happy. I spent the day with the woman I’ve just started dating and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier. It’s perhaps the first time in my life I’ve looked at someone “that way” and had it returned just as strongly. With her, it just feels easy and right. I’ve been in several romantic relationships, but they’ve never made me feel that way—that over the moon, can’t get enough, want to dance in the rain kind of way. My whole life, there’s been the person I am dating AND the person I wish I were dating—usually an older, unobtainable woman in a position of power (like a T, but usually a professor). This may be the first time in my life the woman I’m with and the woman I want to be with are the same person. Honestly, I never thought it would happen. Just a few months ago, I said I thought I was somehow “doomed” to always fall in love with someone I couldn’t have—someone I saw as maternally erotic rather than someone I could have an equal relationship with. I said it was something I wanted to work through, but I didn’t really believe that I could. I thought I would never be able to fall for someone “appropriate.” But I have.

[nicoleb2]

Today, I am very numb. T tells me to "feel my feelings" but I don't know what to feel today. I dont know what emotions I should be feeling

Sleep paralysis again!! OMG that is the scariest thing to go through. Your 'brain' is asleep but you are trying to wake up and can't!!! You can hear everything around you and are totally aware that it is happening. You are paralyzed until it finally passes. You try to scream for help but all anyone around you sees is a person totally relaxed and asleep!!! It feels like you are suffocating. You try to move but you can't.

Now I am afraid to even try to go back to sleep. What if it happens again!! I was trying to get my husband's attention but I couldn't speak. I finally managed a groan and he realized it was happening again. He kept calling my name and thank God I woke up!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Sleep paralysis again!! OMG that is the scariest thing to go through. Your 'brain' is asleep but you are trying to wake up and can't!!! You can hear everything around you and are totally aware that it is happening. You are paralyzed until it finally passes. You try to scream for help but all anyone around you sees is a person totally relaxed and asleep!!! It feels like you are suffocating. You try to move but you can't.

Now I am afraid to even try to go back to sleep. What if it happens again!! I was trying to get my husband's attention but I couldn't speak. I finally managed a groan and he realized it was happening again. He kept calling my name and thank God I woke up!

Wow, Squiggle. That sounds awful....and very scary! I hope you are able to work towards figuring out what is causing this. I haven't been keeping up on PC as well as I would like to....so I'm not sure if you mentioned whether or not you've addressed this with T....It may be worthwhile.

[Rose76]

To: Squiggle328, I have experienced that sleep paralysis, and it truly is a terrible feeling. Thankfully, I haven't had that happen in years. Hope you get free of it, too.

I'm on approximately day 18 of being symptom-free (or, at least, greatly alleviated.) I may actually be making a real recovery. I've been in and out of major depression for a year. That's a long time to be unwell. I feel encouraged.

[WePow]

Today - getting ready to see my T :-) 45 min to go! I worked this weekend and made it through. Had to make a few choices to keep myself safe. Boss may not like the choices if he finds out, but I did what I did at the time. So be it. I am looking forward to just going and BEING with my T today. I just want to be with him for that one hour. Not to do any hard work. Just to re-establish the bond that I lost over the past few weeks since that flashback. Wonder if my T will think it strange if I just want to go look at him for an hour!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

Sleep paralysis again!! OMG that is the scariest thing to go through. Your 'brain' is asleep but you are trying to wake up and can't!!! You can hear everything around you and are totally aware that it is happening. You are paralyzed until it finally passes. You try to scream for help but all anyone around you sees is a person totally relaxed and asleep!!! It feels like you are suffocating. You try to move but you can't.

Now I am afraid to even try to go back to sleep. What if it happens again!! I was trying to get my husband's attention but I couldn't speak. I finally managed a groan and he realized it was happening again. He kept calling my name and thank God I woke up!

I've experienced that before. It must be the most terrifying thing in the world to face. I can't think of anything worse. It was horrible. Sorry you went through it again.

[sunrise]

Another bad sleep last night. I think I am spiraling out of control with my sleep problems. I am developing an aversion to sleep because of all the problems with it, staying up later and later just to avoid the process. Noisy garbage truck came at 6 am, which didn't help matters, as I have the day off and could have slept for longer. Hoping the day goes better than the night...

[delicatefade26]

I'm not doing well at all today...and I had been doing so good-now I feel that oh-so-familiar-darkness creeping in on me again-and I can't breathe...I'm beyond exhausted-and I had to cancel my T session this week-I feel like I'm losing control...God be with me

[rainbow8]

I'm feeling pretty good today! I don't have a paying job but I did some volunteer work and that made me feel useful! I sang my songs in the car and that made me feel emotional in the way singing always makes me feel, which is good.

I see my T on Wednesday.

[Rose76]

(((((delicatefade26)))) Sorry you went from doing good to this.

[delicatefade26]

Originally Posted by Rose76

(((((delicatefade26)))) Sorry you went from doing good to this.

Thank you so much-I really appreciate it-I'm holding on

[skysblue]

I'm sinking

So very low, suddenly and somewhat randomly. Thinking the bad old SI thoughts in my bathroom. Letting them go. Tomorrow will be a new day with another chance.

[Rose76]

I have been cleaning in the bedroom. As I am dusting off the framed photographs of those dear to me who are gone, suddenly, I am choked up. This is unusual. I have been feeling particularly well and seem to be recovering from recurring episodes of major depression.

Maybe because there was a sorrowful song on the Internet station I listen to. I am going to switch to Talk Radio. It occupies my mind in positive way. I will say that grief is less paralyzing than depression, even when the pangs of sadness bring tears. I can't see the keys on the keyboard through the film over my eyes.

[crazycanbegood]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I'm sinking

we are holding hands

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by WePow

Today - getting ready to see my T :-) 45 min to go! I worked this weekend and made it through. Had to make a few choices to keep myself safe. Boss may not like the choices if he finds out, but I did what I did at the time. So be it. I am looking forward to just going and BEING with my T today. I just want to be with him for that one hour. Not to do any hard work. Just to re-establish the bond that I lost over the past few weeks since that flashback. Wonder if my T will think it strange if I just want to go look at him for an hour!

Glad you get to see T today!

Studying and worrying. Another night of disconnection. Feeling so so flawed.

Depression has really taken hold. T had me come in today, and he wants to see me again tomorrow and later this week. I'm pretty overwhelmed with the depression. Thoughts are racing (d*mn bipolar).

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Depression has really taken hold. T had me come in today, and he wants to see me again tomorrow and later this week. I'm pretty overwhelmed with the depression. Thoughts are racing (d*mn bipolar).

Sorry you are feeling bad farmergirl.