[googley]

I don't know what is happening in T. We are trying to do trauma processing. However, whenever I try to talk about it i get so scared. Terrified. I tried to explain to my T what is happening. That I just get so scared and I can't talk. I don't know if I explained it clearly. That I get so overwhelmingly terrified. I can't say anything. I know it is annoying her. And that makes me feel worse. I don't know if this is making any sense. I feel like I need to just curl up in a ball and hide. it is all too scary and i don't know why. I don't know what to do about all this?

Does this make any sense? Has anyone experienced this? What did you do?

[PTSDlovemycats]

((((Hugs))))

I'm sorry I have never experieced this but I am thinking about you.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by googley

I don't know what is happening in T. We are trying to do trauma processing. However, whenever I try to talk about it i get so scared. Terrified. I tried to explain to my T what is happening. That I just get so scared and I can't talk. I don't know if I explained it clearly. That I get so overwhelmingly terrified. I can't say anything. I know it is annoying her. And that makes me feel worse. I don't know if this is making any sense. I feel like I need to just curl up in a ball and hide. it is all too scary and i don't know why. I don't know what to do about all this?

Does this make any sense? Has anyone experienced this? What did you do?

googly i experiance this all the time and believe me i so know that paralizing fear on such a deep level.i would hope your t would be able to understand this and not get frustrated with you.my T does relaxation with me and also art and other things to help me feel more relaxed and safe.she says before we do anthing more we need to work on making her and her office a safe place for me to be able to talk.maybe you and you T can also work together to do things to help you feel a bit less scared

[googley]

Thank you both for your replies. It is nice to know that some people care.

Granite- I don't think she is frustrated with me. I think she is frustrated with the situation. That this is all so hard for us to work on. That I've been able to talk about other things, but not this.

[WePow]

(((((Googley))))))

Trauma work is in my opinion one of the hardest things a person can do.
It takes a lot of bravery to be able to face things done to us that were so wrong.
And, it takes a special type of T to help trauma clients. It is even an area of specialty. One can have a great T who does not have the skill set to handle intense trauma therapy work. Trauma therapy opens up the client and exposes them to the full force of the event(s). This is very serious therapy work.

You may need to ask your T if she can recommend another T who specializes in trauma work. Sometimes a person will have two Ts for a while if they are working on certain areas of healing.

Being afraid of facing the trauma is VERY natural. It was real damage. And honestly a person would have to be seriously mentally ill to NOT have some fear when they are facing trauma again. The HEALTHY human brain will do whatever it needs to do to stay out of danger and safe. That fear you have is 110% healthy. Listen to it and give it some respect. You will be amazed at how empowering it is to just honor that fear in a healthy way.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by googley

That I get so overwhelmingly terrified. I can't say anything. I know it is annoying her. And that makes me feel worse.

Don't do that to yourself; you don't know that it is annoying your T, you haven't discussed how she feels with her; she's the only person who can say/confirm that she is annoyed and this situation doesn't strike me as one that a normal person would get annoyed at, much less a T.

If you are feeling "stuck" because the subject is too overwhelming and scary, either break it down into something tiny you can work on or change subjects. All things are related; what you are having trouble with now, today, it's related to the trauma too.

Think of five things you would like to make better in your life today and then just grab one to talk about and look at; talking about that will help free up some of the anxiety about the trauma. Don't try to attack the trauma head on, go at it sideways.

Or, if you are frustrated with your fear of the trauma, grab some tiny piece of it (one can eat a whole cow one bite at a time) and look at that. Think of a recent dream and discuss it with T and/or get started looking at your dreams; they'll help you get closer. Do you know "when" the trauma happened? Discuss that time period and other memories; give yourself permission not to talk about the trauma, just think around it and discuss the rest of your life during that period. The trauma wasn't all there was at that time and recreating more of the period will make the trauma a bit smaller, put it more in perspective of the whole.

[dizgirl2011]

Originally Posted by googley

I don't know what is happening in T. We are trying to do trauma processing. However, whenever I try to talk about it i get so scared. Terrified. I tried to explain to my T what is happening. That I just get so scared and I can't talk. I don't know if I explained it clearly. That I get so overwhelmingly terrified. I can't say anything. I know it is annoying her. And that makes me feel worse. I don't know if this is making any sense. I feel like I need to just curl up in a ball and hide. it is all too scary and i don't know why. I don't know what to do about all this?

Does this make any sense? Has anyone experienced this? What did you do?

Hey Googley!

***massive hugs***

Doing trauma work is so difficult so please don't feel you should have to rush through it in any way at all. You have to do it in a way that feels safe for you. I bet your therapist is not frustrated at you at all, if shes frustrated at anything it's probably at herself for not being able to help you even more as she probably knows how hard it is for you hun.

I was just wondering if there is any other way that you feel more comfortable expressing these painful feelings? Perhaps writting them down or through art? maybe even taking paper with you and writing down single words. I often think it would help people to take a doodle sketcher into a session when speaking becomes difficult.

Remember you set the pace and just take your time hun, I know it's scarey! xxx

[SoupDragon]

I can so relate to that fear - between sessions I think right just pull myself together and go in there and get it done - but the moment I sit down, down come the barriers. My T tells me to try to just observe it from a "safe" distance, so that is what I am working on now - thinking of you. SD

[googley]

Thank you all for your support. It means so muh.

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((Googley))))))

And, it takes a special type of T to help trauma clients. It is even an area of specialty. One can have a great T who does not have the skill set to handle intense trauma therapy work. Trauma therapy opens up the client and exposes them to the full force of the event(s). This is very serious therapy work.

You may need to ask your T if she can recommend another T who specializes in trauma work. Sometimes a person will have two Ts for a while if they are working on certain areas of healing.

Being afraid of facing the trauma is VERY natural. It was real damage. And honestly a person would have to be seriously mentally ill to NOT have some fear when they are facing trauma again. The HEALTHY human brain will do whatever it needs to do to stay out of danger and safe. That fear you have is 110% healthy. Listen to it and give it some respect. You will be amazed at how empowering it is to just honor that fear in a healthy way.

It has been so much time building up the trust with this T. I don't think I could just start seeing another T and be able to work on the trauma stuff without building up the trust with that one. It has taken me almost two years to be able to start talking about this with my T. I have huge trust issues. I don't think I could just go in and talk to someone else about it.

Originally Posted by Perna

Don't do that to yourself; you don't know that it is annoying your T, you haven't discussed how she feels with her; she's the only person who can say/confirm that she is annoyed and this situation doesn't strike me as one that a normal person would get annoyed at, much less a T.

But the thing is that she said that she was finding it difficult because she felt that she was having to pull everything out of me because I was only saying small things. That she was trying to get me to say things I didn't want to say. But that isn't the case. I would say something and then get really really scared. I told her this, but I'm not sure if she understood what I meant. I tried to write out what is so scary. But I don't know that I have been able to really get to the bottom of what is so scary. I think I need to find out next session if she understands what I was trying to say.

If you are feeling "stuck" because the subject is too overwhelming and scary, either break it down into something tiny you can work on or change subjects. All things are related; what you are having trouble with now, today, it's related to the trauma too.

Think of five things you would like to make better in your life today and then just grab one to talk about and look at; talking about that will help free up some of the anxiety about the trauma. Don't try to attack the trauma head on, go at it sideways.

The problem with this is that we have spent so much time talking around the trauma itself. But not specifically about it. We both recognize that I could talk around it forever. I'm really good at avoiding.

Or, if you are frustrated with your fear of the trauma, grab some tiny piece of it (one can eat a whole cow one bite at a time) and look at that. Think of a recent dream and discuss it with T and/or get started looking at your dreams; they'll help you get closer. Do you know "when" the trauma happened? Discuss that time period and other memories; give yourself permission not to talk about the trauma, just think around it and discuss the rest of your life during that period. The trauma wasn't all there was at that time and recreating more of the period will make the trauma a bit smaller, put it more in perspective of the whole.

I think it would be easier if talking about this trauma wasn't bringing all these awful things up about my other traumas. It is like they are all intertwined.

I just wish that I could turn it off between sessions. That would make the rest of this much easier. Then I could just deal with it during session instead of having it pour out over the rest of my life.

I was thinking about this all day today. And thinking about why some people can't talk and people like me who can't stop talking in therapy.
The analogy I came up with is this.
i view all of the awful things inside me as a poison...like I've been poisoned since i was a child.
The only way to get rid of this poison is to vomit (talk) it out...so when i talk it gets some of the poison out.
I don't know if that's helpful at all or makes any sense, but i was thinking about you today and I always think of myself as getting rid of the bad when I go to T.
And I don't think your T is annoyed. You think T is annoyed but I think it's because your are frustrated with yourself...so you are putting that frustration on T.

Perna - awesome insight on talking around the trauma.

[googley]

I'm worried about going in to T tomorrow. This week hasn't been as bad as the time after the week before this last session. But I'm worried that talking about the trauma stuff will bring back all the bad feelings. I'm still having nightmares since starting talking about the trauma stuff. Ugh this really sucks.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[O-Dawg]

Hi Googley!

I had the same feelings when I had a therapist the first time. I felt like I couldn't tell her anything personal or anything that I wanted to keep between me and God or me and my close friends. It terrified me too! If your therapist is getting annoyed with you then he/she is not doing his/her job imo. They need to have patience and understand that people can't always come out and say things that are difficult to say or even recall. If you really feel uncomfortable saying or doing anything, then don't. If your therapist gets mad, so what! You still have a right to do things when you are ready and no time sooner.