learning from T

I pulled this from another thread (thanks, Sunny ) : One thing that works for me, when I find myself wanting to retreat and pull away from T or not be open, is I think to myself "how would T behave if he were in this situation?" I know he would be open, forthcoming, non-judgmental, not defensive, curious, and eager to understand. So when I am talking to him and I find myself starting to retreat I try instead to be like he would be. I have had great results with this. Sometimes I have impressed myself so much that I leave therapy thinking, I can't believe I did that! This helps me in interactions with other people outside of therapy too.

This made me think about how much I do this. I do it a lot when my H or my kids are upset...I literally try to channel T and see and hear them the way he sees and hears me. I love being able to give that to them...just to be able to listen non-judgmentally, and let them be who they are and feel what they need to feel.

And T has made me much more comfortable with feelings...I try to help my kids name their feelings now, because T has taught me to do that with me.

I know T values authenticity, and I know I've learned that from him, and I try to remember T and his authenticity when I want to hide or only show a certain side of myself.

It made me curious...do other people have certain behaviors that they've learned from their therapist that they consciously apply to other relationships in their lives???

I believe we learn 'consciously' and 'unconsciously'. In the book, "A General Theory of Love', they propose that the relationship between the client and the therapist is the single most important part of therapy.

What happens is that we slowly but surely attune ourselves to become like the therapist. Our limbic landscape (emotional) gets regulated and revised by association with anybody but with our therapists we are especially affected because we're working so hard with them. In other words, we become like them.

In the book it advises "the urgent necessity for a therapist to get his emotional house in order. His patients are coming to stay and they may have to live there for the rest of their lives."

Thank you so much for posting this, Tree. I've been thinking about this a lot this week.

When in doubt, I do what T would do, and it's been one of the key things that has changed my (external) life. I don't think it was even conscious 'copying' at first, I think I just started trying things because they were obviously working for her. Some examples...

T does *a lot*. I'd genuinely have guessed that with how hard she works, on evenings and weekends she sits quietly at home to recover- that's what I would do (have done). But T's life is filled with pleasant activities, and because of that, mine is too.

Recently, I've been physically ill. Historically, I really struggle with being ill. I stop doing anything (and thus become very depressed), and become very dependent on people to 'look after me'. Last time I was ill, I asked T what she did when she was ill. And I realize this time that I've internalized some of that example, and have reacted very differently indeed.

Small example, but yesterday I was having a really bad day. I'd been crying for hours and was still in bed at 4pm. T's text said she was going to Starbucks. Which enabled me to imagine how much better I would feel if I got up, got dressed, and went to Starbucks to study. And I did (different Starbucks, obviously!!)- that's the first direct copying incident I've noticed, but it could be because I've been more aware of it this week.

I don't want to turn myself into a carbon copy of T; some of her life choices (like how much she's away from her young child, or how hard she works) wouldn't fit me. I don't indiscriminately approve of all T's choices, which I think is a healthy sign. But having a healthy fulfilling life being played out right in front of me, and being able to reach out and ask what she would do in my situation- is a fantastic bonus I never anticipated. And even knowing that I don't want to do what T does is a start in figuring out what I do want, and a step towards getting it for myself.

Improving - it's great that you know what your T does in RL. I have no idea what my T's lifestyle is. She has shared nothing. But what I do know is how she composes herself and how her personality is so positive and open and giving and friendly. I guess how I model myself after T is to remember her words on how to cope with life - like 'sitting with' the emotions, etc. The thing is - she doesn't just offer the advice - it feels like she follows her own suggestions and I can model that.

[quote=skysblue;1951468]Improving - it's great that you know what your T does in RL. I have no idea what my T's lifestyle is. [quote]

skysblue, yes, I realize it is relatively unusual that I know so much about my T's day to day life. I guess there are many levels of change, and I have had to start at the most basic level. DBT talks about 'building a life worth living'. For me, that meant starting with very concrete changes such as being able to get out of bed, not cancelling on my friends, not calling in sick to work. These are the changes I can 'see', and the behaviours of T that I can see.

I hope I am learning from T's interpersonal behaviour, her emotional regulation etc in the way that you describe, but perhaps that is more subtle and not as immediately obvious to me? Argh, so much to change!

One of my favorite lessons from my therapist comes from a joke.

"there is psychiatrist at a cocktail party. While talking pleasantly with a group of people, an out of control man comes up and hits the therapist square in the jaw, knocking him to the ground. The therapist gets up, rubs his jaw and says "that's his problem.""

skysblue - I love what you quoted from that book. In fact...I ordered the book!!!!

improving - you reminded me how much I've learned how to "be" in everyday life from T. I grew up with abusive alcoholics and didn't have any healthy adults to show me how to be an adult. When I had kids I read SO many parenting books, and that helped...but still struggled.

T has a full, busy, happy life. I know how he spends his free time, what he does when he's stressed, etc and I have definitely modeled some of what I do after him. I know I am happier and healthier because of it, and I am SO grateful for him and his own work on his mental/physical/emotional/spiritual health.

I don't want to be a carbon copy of T either, but just seeing how an example of how a healthy adult lives has been SO enormously helpful.

Of all the books I've read about psychotherapy, this is the one book that my T recommended. It is a wonderful read.

HA! lolol!

What a great topic!!! I have tried to copy a lot from Ts. It doesn't work out though because I am too much my own person. And if they found out... I'm not sure how happy they would be with that. For some reason I always think of the back bend pose in yoga-- you can have your supports, your arms and legs that are firmly on the ground, but for the pose to work, the center has to rise up. I want to be guided by my heart like that, even though it's so tempting to try and be more like Ts/ guru type people.