I Don't Want to Hurt T's Feelings

oh then you suffer too! i had only one specific target in mind, no collateral damage, and man was it good to go at her! well, ok, definitely need more therapy to work on my issues...

CCBG: Really sounds like a matter of inborn temperament. Either you have a talent for passive-aggressiveness, or you don't. I'm not sure it can be taught. See, I wouldn't consider not brushing my teeth as me suffering, too. But this ENERGY thing you have going - what is THAT?! Health? Youth? Love? Anger? Emotion NOS? Something alien...

Oh my goodness, I must apologize for jumping in back there after having barely skimmed here and there, when, if ever a thread called for very close reading, this was that thread. I'm sorry for having tediously made points that were quite pointless in the context of this very excellently participated-in thread.

I can't go back to look up posts without losing this box (should have took more notes), but to the poster who said that skysblue's scenario was more apt to resemble that of a post above my bleak post, yeeesssss. I would most emphatically agree. Thank you for your kind restraint in not suggesting that I was insane.

Having some knowledge, as I do, of what it takes to get "referred out," I would say it is more likely that her T would encourage Sky to think about graduate work in counseling with a view to returning to the premises as a partner therapist.

Thanks, also, to the poster who made a considerate comment about my experience, and, nooooo, I certainly don't see Sky as a candidate for the modality of treatment to which I referred.

red-faced at jumping in so clueless onto a thread so very worth close attention. An excellent read . . . a very high-calibre discussion, minus an irrelevant post or two from this keyboard.

Opps! No more red faced than I am, Rose76! I called the the insightful and intelligent Skyblue---Bluesky! Jeesh, so sorry, Skyblue. I just KNEW I needed to work at being more of a perfectionist!
Jaybird

Wow - I am impressed and overwhelmed. Everyone has made so many wonderful insightful comments. I will re-read them until I understand them better and hopefully be able to apply some of the wonderful suggestions you have offered. You know, trying to understand my own self seems to me right now like trying to capture the ocean in a sieve. It seems at one moment that, "aha, I get it!" and the next moment it's gone.

I told my T this week that even with all the years of study and reading about the big questions of life and with all of my 'knowledge', the past few months have made it crystal clear that I am beyond clueless. The matters of the psyche and the unconscious have not been explored well by me. I am so confused, I told my T. And it feels hopeless to be able to change myself.

My T responded by saying, 'That's because you believe it can be accomplished by the force of will." And I said, "I'm happy to not make the effort - not to force it. Let me lay on the raft that will let me float on the stream of awareness. I would be delighted not to work so hard."

It is so mysterious - this mind of ours. I suppose I would say that this exploration is the most exciting and fulfilling exploration possible for any human being.

Again, thanks for all of your well thought out responses and I am so delighted that this community gives so much to each other.

I remember being in T and thinking to myself I cant get any help from you you can't even match your clothes correctly. (mind you I didnt say this outloud) but I quit going to that T 2 weeks later. Wonder what would have happened if I had been honest with her and if my relationship with her would have changed.

Here's a cool quote from a therapy book I'm reading that validates that my confusion is not a bad thing:

"Embrace mystery and confusion. The goal is to turn off the analytic mind and instead embrace direct experience with all its uncertainty, confusion and power. Thus therapeutic tasks and ordeals are designed not to follow logically from the presenting problem but rather to emerge from intuition and a felt sense of what may be useful. [By this] we will increase our tolerance for ambiguity, complexity and confusion - which is much of what life is about."

That quote sounds like what my T is trying to do with me. She wants me to "turn off my mind" and feel and experience with her in the session. You can read and study how your mind works, and even get a PhD in psychology but what heals a person and what makes us grow most is just "being in the moment, letting go, and feeling" without intellectualizing.

Yeahbbut, I'm going back to my 3 little pigs analogy - when your mind/house is made of straw, identifying your feelings is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. So we need both - hey, and that's why we have a left brain and a right brain! omg, honestly, I just realized that in this context.

I always wound up wondering "what if", after about a zillion therapists (ok, maybe not that many) when I was younger. There was one I talked to for a while in college who I should have left sooner. But the rest I left too soon. Now, knowing I might be curious if I quit is one of the reasons I haven't very seriously thought about quitting, even when I feel stupid and ridiculous for going.

I think that you can be in the moment and very present and then intellectualize about it. Or, at least I think that works for me. As I have grown in being able to understand and articulate my feelings, intellectualizing about where they come from and connecting the dots between the past and the present has definitely moved me forward.

Anne

Yeahbut, your analogy ain't gonna work this time. Okay - right brain/left brain. Analytical mind/emotional mind. So, if we're stuck in analyzing, we only can access that part of ourselves and we shut out the most important part of who we are. See, robots and computers are great at analysis but they're hardly human.

So, our emotions are there whether we acknowledge them or not. And they run the show until we can somehow ease up on the so-called control that the analytical mind thinks it has. I mean, haven't you ever been in a situation (of course, we're experiencing that all the time) where our rational brains think one way but our emotions really really are the ones in control? And it's so frustrating because we KNOW we're being irrational but still cannot change the emotions.

Bringing the emotions out into the light give us a chance to finally 'analyze' them and then to be able to control them. They're in the driver's seat now. So, sure we need both 'brains'.

So,embracing the mystery and confusion is allowing ourselves to 'experience' the emotions without initially understanding them. By turning off the analytical mind temporarily we then can embrace that direct experience with all its uncertainty, confusion and power.

My T keeps telling me that the 'process' is not straightforward. There are lots of twists and turns and unknown paths to walk down.

Of course, I can talk about this until the cows come home and it won't make any difference for me until I allow myself to face the fear, etc. that are the emotions that need to be dealt with. Default patterns of hiding and running are very strong but with T's help and guidance I hopefully will learn to change my habits. It is tough and scary but I am committed to keep trying the best way I can. I will not always succeed but I'll keep returning to the arena.

Are you taking care of your therapist here?

After reading your newer thread I see that you aren't taking care of her, you are just afraid to make her angry?

I think it's both. I try very hard to be sensitive to other people's feelings. I'm never blunt and I like to couch my communications in friendly and open ways. I am probably projecting way too much but I figure that it's not going to hurt me or them to be attentive to how they're feeling.

So, I think that's the same with T. Once when we had scheduled a double session, I asked how she would have time to have lunch. She smiled and thanked me for my concern but that she would snack. So, it's normal and natural for me to 'take care' of people. Actually that is one issue T and I have discussed - how invested I am in that role.

But, I also have fear of her disapproval. So, it's mixed.

You actually can go overboard with this and when you do it is actually crossing boundaries and it does get messy. When you let others take care of themselves it is actually respecting them and trusting that they can handle it. When you try to take care of others too much the message can be that they are like children and can't take care of themselves.

"I'll take care of you and you take care of me but we won't each take care of ourselves". = messy.

A person gets to this point by growing up not getting their needs met and having to meet the needs of a someone else at their own expense. If this happens the person needs to learn to meet their own needs and respect boundaries and allow others to take care of themselves. This doesn't mean that you can't help others, though.

Yes, this is one of the main issues we're working on. I keep telling T that I don't want to have needs but obviously I do have needs and I've buried them in the unconscious. She's teaching me how to recognize my own needs and how to uphold boundaries. She's been great helping extract myself from a codependent relationship. I've always lived thinking that taking care of my own needs was selfish and I don't want to be a selfish person. Again, T is great with working with me on this issue.