I Don't Want to Hurt T's Feelings

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German Lutheran pastor and theologian who was executed by the Nazis wrote about a concept that I find intriguing. He called it 'costly grace'. The idea is that the gift is freely given but the 'cost' is to be ready to receive it. And that is tougher than it sounds.

So, I guess we could say the same about self-realization that we seek in therapy. It is there - it is free - but we must pay the price of being attentive.

I guess I'm too philosophical about what is 'honesty' anyways. I believe we have a ton of thoughts and emotions ensconced in our brains. Different ones bubble up at different moments. They each change in intensity depending on what's happening right now. For example, a certain emotion may be exaggerated simply because we haven't eaten all day or haven't gotten enough sleep or we just bumped our elbow or we had a fight with the neighbor.

So, because of some random stimulus that occurred just before we've expressed an emotion, we may give it more importance than it's due. And we may express it with an intensity that it doesn't deserve.

So, what is authenticity? Is it reflected by that particular emotion that appeared at that time or is it the emotion felt but not expressed or is it the ability to restrain ourselves when emotions feel too strong or is it allowing ourselves to emote no matter what the consequences?

Well, you see my dilemma - I am trapped in my mind with no exit seen.

Skysblue, maybe you fear risking losing love and this is why you need to be perfect and a good girl?

I agree that authenticity is hard to define and I agree with the part I bolded. I'm not sure the fact that there are lots of influences (hunger, etc.) on our emotions means that expressing the emotions (whatever the emotions are at the moment) means they aren't authentic. Even if you want to say a feeling is not authentic if you know that it was influenced by hunger or whatever, we don't ALWAYS give an emotion "more importance than its due" or "an intensity that it doesn't deserve," ... oh wait a minute, you kind of already wrote some of this stuff in your last paragraph

"So, what is authenticity? Is it reflected by that particular emotion that appeared at that time"

I guess I was saying I think it's the emotion felt/appeared at that moment. If you intellectually realize later that there was another hidden emotion behind it, then the hidden one could become authentic if you start to feel the hidden one. Does that make sense?

"or is it the emotion felt but not expressed"

I think it's the emotion felt whether it's expressed or not.

"or is it the ability to restrain ourselves when emotions feel too strong"

I don't think that has to do with authenticity.

Also, irrelevant to defining authenticity, I didn't mean to suggest you should restrain yourself when emotions feel too strong, I meant to find a way to express them and still be respectful of the other person. I don't really think you should worry too much about being respectful of your therapist because the whole point of therapy is that it's okay to make mistakes and your difficulty seems like it's a lot more about expressing your emotions at all than about being disrespectful by over-expressing them. (me too.) I just meant I don't think you were wrong for also later going back and questioning whether you were sarcastic to your t. I think it would be good to talk to her about that too. (I have no clue whether you were actually sarcastic to her or not. I guess if you were it was probably really subtle and she wouldn't be upset about it. But whatever the case was, I think we can learn from t's how to more frequently express strong emotions respectfully. I think Sunrise has a post on this thread where she gave some example of doing that.) Anyway, even if I'm making sense, and t's can teach us how to express more strong emotions more respectfully and consideratley, I'm not sure it's ALWAYS possible to get that right. Maybe learning how to do it more often is the best one can do. What do you think?

or is it allowing ourselves to emote no matter what the consequences?

I don't think people should always show all their emotions. That might be authentic, but I think being authentic ALL the time probably isn't a good idea. But for people like me and you, I think expressing them a lot more could be good. My t says I don't express emotions much. Maybe my post before sounded like I thought being authentic is always the way to go, but I didn't mean to sound like that.

Today I shared with T a dream I had last night. In the dream she had come to my house to fix a wonderful dinner. She had lots of spices and exotic ingredients and she was working hard to prepare a fabulous meal. Then I noticed that one of her ingredients was one I am allergic to and I was so worried how I would handle it. I definitely did not want to hurt her feelings but I didn't know what I could do. The dream went on.. but I found it interesting that I was worried even in a dream about hurting her feelings.

Re the dream - not wanting to hurt her feelings to the extent where you would literally sacrifice yourself. Wow intense dream!

do the spices and exotic ingredients represent the richer emotions she might help you feel?

I wonder if there are 'superficial' emotions and emotions that are more authentic. That a certain emotion could be 'learned' response but others come out of nowhere to ambush you. So, I guess the authentic one is the one that cannot be controlled easily.

Makes sense to me. Does that mean if T's teach us how to express strong emotions more respectfully, those emotions start to become more easily controlled and less authentic??

IDK. I suppose I want to learn how to express more emotions anyway... and I want to believe I don't have to express anger in a mean way to do it. My t pointed out to me that "anger pushes people apart" and "sadness draws people together." So I've been thinking being able to show sadness, which seems like hurt or vulnerability, would be better and easier.

I guess I'd probably also think someone is more authentic if they can express a wider range of emotions. maybe

No, actually I was trying to figure out how to NOT eat the 'verboten' food so as not to hurt her feelings. The dream went on where I had to take care of a baby in another room and when I returned I discovered that T had invited other people to the meal and I was relieved because it might not be apparent that I would avoid that particular dish but also I wasn't able to sit at the table because the baby would not let me put her down. So, there were 2 ways of me not partaking without her noticing.

I think so and also the preparation she does to prepare lessons for me to 'consume'. And one of those lessons I'm 'allergic' to but I don't want to tell T so I have to figure out a way to distract her from noticing that I'm not 'consuming' that particular lesson or activity.

It is so confusing. What is real? What is more real? What is valid? Moods come an go. Emotions conflict with each other. Think, "I hate him. No, I love him." Well, which one? Well, both. How can that be? It's that ol' 'bittersweet' meshing. I guess we go back to maybe trusting our bodies. What is our body trying to tell us. Maybe get the analytical mind out of the way.

I guess I don't care anymore. I was nastily sarcastic to T today and she even remarked, "Skysblue, I've never seen you this way before." I'm ashamed but I also felt defiant. What is that????

unresolved issues?

Or just negative transference. My T used to get the brunt of my anger a lot in the beginning.

Yeah, she even remarked that I was trying to punish her by not telling her the end of my dream. I guess I was. I mean, she cuts off session on time so why can't I?

Maybe you're angry about the phone calls and the money situation even though you're not going to discuss it with your T. Or angry about the therapy situation in general? You seem to be ambivalent about working on some of your issues, and how best to use your sessions, so that could make you angry. Why do YOU think you're angry?

Yeah, I had thought that I was only feeling hurt. And the hurt feelings provoked deep fear. But now, after what came up in session yesterday, it appears that I am feeling an intense rage. This is really scary. I really don't want to be that way or have those feelings. And now it makes me sad on top of everything else. I had already thought of myself as a despicable person and now I'm seeing how much worse I really am.

Maybe it's not bad to be angry. Maybe it's just bad to be angry AND shoot someone. Being angry just tells us we really really really don't like what's happening, right? And sometimes it's perfectly justified. But I can see our moms not putting up with it AT ALL. BAD! But it's not bad.

Sky you aren't despicable at all these are feelings you are having; and might help with surfacing things that you need to work through but they aren't "who you are"

I got a bit more clarity why I got so mad. That person had been very early before so that was not the first time that I experienced it. I had told T previously that it really rattled me to see that light go on and have to see it the last 10-15 minutes of my session.

So, when it happened again and she made the words and gestures that there wasn't much she could do about it, it fired me up. That's when I made the sarcastic comment about boundaries and how she's so good at enforcing them. See, if she has me trained to be attentive to boundaries, why isn't she doing the same with this other person?

Dang, me and T have good (?) stuff to work on next session.

Sky is there a way your T could see this light and you wouldn't have to so that it doesn't lead to being triggered each time? I think seeing that would make me feel rushed and panicked

next time bust that damn light

For whatever reason, seeing that light go on triggers me somewhat. So, I called T yesterday and told her that if that client is scheduled after me next week, for her to look for another slot for me. And if she didn't have an opening to just cancel my appointment. That tells you how much it affects me.

She returned call and said that was an occasional client who is not scheduled next week and usually is on Thursdays anyways. And that we'll talk about it more next week.

Oh, and as far as changing seats, T had suggested that at another time. But, I don't want my back to the door and I don't want to sit in T's chair.

But I still feel bad that I had handled it poorly by being so nastily sarcastic to T. I think she's finally seeing my true nature and will not be able to resist despising me now. So, by lashing out I've only hurt myself. But, we know that's how it works, right?

Sky I don't think she despises you nor will she ... could be good to look at further with her but my hope is it ends up helping you rather than hurting That's good this person shouldn't be there again next week

You won't sit with your back to the door? What are you, an Italian mobster? I KNEW we had something in common! Commare!

You know, some people CAN concentrate for longer than 15 minutes. You may be able to concentrate for the entire T hour, so when there is a distraction at mid-point that causes short term memory to be broken, you've lost all that work and the potential for what path COULD have been followed thru for the full time. I would get FURIOUS when I would be concentrating on a problem at work and some moron would interrupt me just to say hi on one of his many many breaks.

My T's phone rings 10 minutes before the end, and the session is essentially over. It empties my brain. I'm not being petty or jealous, YOU RANG A FREAKIN BELL! We were trained HOW MANY TIMES in school to react to that? Sarcasm is the mildest of responses in these cases. "Say hello to my little frien'!" (Not the Godfather, but it is Al Pacino.)

Talking about this issue with your therapist will be very helpful. I'm sure that you 2 can work something out or at least just discussing how it bothers you will be very good. Being open and direct about what is really bothering you will help you to not have to be sarcastic instead. Good work shariing this issue with your T for discussion!