I want to quit.

I've been becoming increasingly more depressed since the spring. It seems like I'm losing interest in everything I love or am committed to one by one. Now I'm at the point of wanting to quit therapy altogether. It seems like all we've been doing since July is discussing whether or not I should go on meds and it doesn't feel productive. I have almost seven months sober, and I've been in therapy for about seven months... And I just want to quit seeing my T and go back to drinking. I don't see the point in trying anymore. I don't have hope that meds will help, I don't see progress in T, so why keep trying? Why am I sober just to be miserable? I don't know... I don't know what to do. I don't know if my depression is causing my doubts of my T, or if maybe T really isn't a good fit for me. I don't feel like I'm expressing myself well in this post, I'm sorry. I'm feeling discouraged and hopeless and I don't know what else to do.

I understand. I feel like quitting too.

I think you expressed yourself well ... you've also done such a great job of getting and staying sober; I know you're being pulled down at the moment but please keep reaching out and doing whatever you can to hang on. Why? because you are worth it! Have you told your T that you don't feel you are getting anywhere with therapy?

This does kind of sound like depression talking. Why don't you have any hope that meds will help you? Have you tried them recently? You say you haven't made any progress. But you've been sober for 7 months! If that's not progress, I don't know what is. If the depression is such that you fear for your sobriety, would it not be a reasonable idea to talk to a pdoc about meds. It doesn't obligate you in any way, but maybe he could lay out some options.

I mentioned one week that I felt like I suck at therapy, and the following week she took charge. It made me think that perhaps she felt I thought like she was doing something wrong. And I don't know if I feel like she's doing something wrong. I haven't been in therapy for years so I don't feel like I have anything to compare it to. But she's pushing the meds thing, and sometimes I wonder if her positive view of me is skewed, and things just feel off.

It kind of feels like the depression talking, but it's difficult to feel separate from depression when I'm so all up in it. And yeah, I am trying to find a pdoc. It's a struggle because I'm unemployed and uninsured, but I've made some calls and still have some options to explore if those fall through.
Waiting while depressed makes time go by very. very. slowly.

It definitely seems like it is the depression talking. And when we are that far buried in it, it's hard to imagine a way out. You've been sober for 7 months, that is quite an accomplishment, don't lose sight of that. With alcohol being taken out as a coping skill, there really needs to be a wide range of coping skills put in place to help you manage in ways that can help you emotionally regulate yourself.

I usually only really press for medication if I am almost certain that there is a chemical imbalance. Between now and the time you get linked to a psychiatrist, I would ask T to really focus on distress tolerance skills when depression is over taking you. With drinking being taken out of your "tool box", there needs to be other tools in place, otherwise we do feel hopeless and helpless.

Can you find things to do to keep you active or productive or busy instead of waiting? That definitely will make time drag by and escalate the negative feelings.

I wish you well CoY. (((hugs)))

Is it a red flag that my T isn't helping me develop these skills? I've been honest with her about my depression and my difficulty coping with it, I've mentioned that I feel like I'm running out of coping skills, and she knows about my history with alcohol and other self defeating coping tactics. I feel like nothing I know to try is working and she seems to be under the impression that nothing I do try will work until I'm on meds. Is this typical of a T who has a patient with a chemical imbalance, or is this laziness on her part, or does she think I'm too stubborn to help myself?

I don't know that it's necessarily a red flag. It may just require very clear communication that you need solid coping skills. But if she has tried to do some skills and you feel they are not providing any relief medication referral may be appropriate. If the depression is so deep we cannot utilize the skills, that poses a problem, which may be why she feels meds would help you get to that point.

I don't know your T or if she is 'lazy'. It *sounds like* she has some pretty firm beliefs that medication has to be in place first. But again, I'd ask what do we do in the mean time to manage the intense feelings for now?

I don't think a good T would jump to someone just being too stubborn to help themselves. But one of the 'rules' in DBT is that a client has to accept and utilize help offered and that they can't just write it off saying "that doesn't help". You have to go through the motions of trying the skills first. Usually if T can build a really good collection of coping skills, by the time you use them the feelings defuse themselves atleast for a while.

(((((Stormy))))) Thank you, that was very helpful. I feel a little less paranoid now.

coy please be kind to yourself and patient also.ask your T about these skills and what to do in the mean time as you try to find a doc.thinking of you and big safe hugs

Sometimes it is OK to get to the point of being exhausted. You can stop fighting without actually giving up though. Just let the feelings be what they are. Don't act out on them. But do keep going through therapy. It may not look or feel like it is helping when you are in the midst of the storm, but it really does help.