[skysblue]

Not being honest with T inhibits the conversation and any healing potential. But when it's the fear of being honest, the fear becomes the main issue because it's causing the blockage of free communication.

I was thinking that my fear is of my T getting mad, disapproving of me, being firm in her boundaries and maybe even terminating me or relating to me in a less kind way.

So, maybe the best way to approach the fear is to imagine that yes, indeed, the worst WILL happen and practice (in my imagination) coping with that scenario. If I learn to handle the negativity that might come from T, then I wouldn't be afraid of being honest with her.

Then instead of hoping for the best and fearing such disappointment, I can expect the worst and build up my defenses.

Has anyone overcome fear by using this method? I've got to figure something out.

[learning1]

I think if I genuinely overcame it that way, I'd have to detach myself so much that I'd stop feeling there was a point to bringing up the scary thing. Sorry that's probably not be what you want to read. Are you having any luck talking to your t about the fear?

[crazycanbegood]

sounds like pessimism to me.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by learning1

I think if I genuinely overcame it that way, I'd have to detach myself so much that I'd stop feeling there was a point to bringing up the scary thing. Sorry that's probably not be what you want to read. Are you having any luck talking to your t about the fear?

Yeah, we've talked about it. She suggests I 'sit' with the feelings and try to let them tell me what they're about. I'm not getting anywhere with that.

Yeah, probably building the defenses would detach me too much. I will talk to T about it tomorrow. I'm at my wit's end. I really really don't know how to do this.

I asked her where can I get the courage. She said it will come when the time is right like it has before. I have been able to share with T some things I never would have thought I'd be able to so maybe she's right. But how long do I wait for courage to show up?

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

sounds like pessimism to me.

or realism? idk

[Wren_]

I know there are some people who do approach things that way and then when something good happens instead they can rejoice, but if it doesn't then they can deal with it. Not sure that it's the best way to handle things though; or if it's really a good way to progress on what you want to be a healing journey. Maybe trying to tackle things more realistically and work at coping skills for that would be better?

Really want to jump in and do this for you; however, it would be better if you do it yourself

eg. look at questions like

What is the realistic value and likelihood of T terminating you? what evidence do you have that she is likely to do this? what evidence do you have that she won't do this? what would she gain by terminating you?

What is your experience of her being mad previously? How did being "mad" look? What did it sound like? Was she really mad at you or at a behaviour (eg. the headphone thing)

Has she been less kind previously when you've talked things through?

[learning1]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Yeah, we've talked about it. She suggests I 'sit' with the feelings and try to let them tell me what they're about. I'm not getting anywhere with that.

Yeah, probably building the defenses would detach me too much. I will talk to T about it tomorrow. I'm at my wit's end. I really really don't know how to do this.

I asked her where can I get the courage. She said it will come when the time is right like it has before. I have been able to share with T some things I never would have thought I'd be able to so maybe she's right. But how long do I wait for courage to show up?

Let me know if she answers that one! I'm starting to get impatient with the frustration of being able to talk about stuff (or about making some progress) in therapy too. I'm afraid therapists have forever, but I don't want to wait that long!

I'm glad you said you'll talk about it tomorrow. Good luck. I'll be curious how it goes.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

What is the realistic value and likelihood of T terminating you? what evidence do you have that she is likely to do this? what evidence do you have that she won't do this? what would she gain by terminating you?

What is your experience of her being mad previously? How did being "mad" look? What did it sound like? Was she really mad at you or at a behaviour (eg. the headphone thing)

Has she been less kind previously when you've talked things through?

I rationally know that the likelihood of her terminating are nil. And her being 'mad' was barely a whisper of a look on her face. It was me who brought it up weeks later. I am quite intuitive for that kind of thing.

She's always been extremely supportive and nice. She does everything she can to reassure me. Even when she talks of difficult stuff, she does it in such a sweet and kind way that it doesn't bother me EXCEPT when it touches one of my triggers and then all rational thought goes out the window.

So, no matter how much she tries to reassure me, when it's one of my issues, my rational brain can't 'hear' her anymore. My emotions have control. And when it's one of my issues, I am extremely extremely sensitive to the slightest nuance that I can detect that confirms my worst fears.

She had asked me what she could say to make it better for me and i had said that words cannot do it, only actions. But I don't know - I have no idea even what actions she could take to get me over the emotional reaction.

[vaffla]

wait, wait! you say there were things in the past you were scared to share with your T, yet you shared them, and that was a good experience, right? That is so important in my opinion!

That is supposed to teach you something, doesn't it? Think about your relationship with T throughout the years (months?) that you've known her. Think about the different things you have shared with her and her reaction to those. I am pretty sure reflecting on that would give you the answer to the question whether you're ready to share with her now or not.
Good luck!

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by vaffla

wait, wait! you say there were things in the past you were scared to share with your T, yet you shared them, and that was a good experience, right? That is so important in my opinion!

That is supposed to teach you something, doesn't it? Think about your relationship with T throughout the years (months?) that you've known her. Think about the different things you have shared with her and her reaction to those. I am pretty sure reflecting on that would give you the answer to the question whether you're ready to share with her now or not.
Good luck!

But what's different now is that what I'm unable to be honest about are my complaints against her. Although, thinking about it now, I was able to tell her that her comments about the phone calls was like her taking a 2x4 to my naked heart. And she took that o.k, I guess.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go in and just tell her that I don't have the courage to be honest with her.

[vaffla]

When you tell her you don't have the courage to be honest with her, how does she respond to that? Does she try to work with you to see what it is that scares you so much?

[rainbow_rose]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I asked her where can I get the courage. She said it will come when the time is right like it has before. I have been able to share with T some things I never would have thought I'd be able to so maybe she's right. But how long do I wait for courage to show up?

You can't rush it and you can't force it. It does take time and patience and you have to trust (yourself and your therapist) that you will get there. 'Cause you will. You are working hard - that's how you will get there.

And you will probably realize it (the courage) when you least expect to. Just believe in the possibility.

Hang in there, skysblue.

[dismantle.repair]

There's a good thing about being a pessimist... You're either proven right, or pleasantly surprised :P

But I used that method in pretty much.. everything. I expected disappointments and failure, and I expected the worst possible scenario. That, unfortunately, landed me in therapy (partially).
I still do that, and I do it in session as well.
Tbh, I think it's a form of cowardice (please don't bite me for that).
It's easier... but it's not better.

[ECHOES]

The best thing for me is to keep learning that I have no control, but I do have communication about the things I wish I could control or imagine I can control.
And to keep learning that my imagined scenarios are just that, imagined. The reality of it is unknown until it happens. It's that unknown area where my fears emerge. Sitting with feelings for me means also sitting with the naked truth that I can't control the outcome; that can be relieving as well as stressful. It can be relieving because there is no point in trying to control something I can't. So I am free to let it be, let it happen, and see how it goes.

I am pretty secure in my relationship with my T but it's taken 4 years and voicing my fears many times about my thought that she would like to terminate me, or would retire (to terminate me. lol), and many kinds of responses and patience from T about those fears before I could feel secure. Part of attachment issues and repeated experiences will help with time. Maybe tell your T that you need repeated reassurance whenever the fear is there. I don't know that there is 'more' to do about it, it just takes time and as the relationship and trust deepen, the reassurances can be taken in and accepted for longer periods of time. At least that's how it's worked for me.

I also would think my therapist was mad at me. Even after a good session, early in my therapy, during the time between sessions, I would 'remember' the session and in the memory of it she was angry. At first I believed this misperceptions, then I could take them to her and tell her about them and she would tell me that my memory wasn't her experience. In time I was able to feel sure that my memory was not reality, it was a fear encroaching on my memory; so it was good to know that the incorrect memory could happen and I could accept it as my creation. But in the process, I learned not only that I could create based on fear, but I could also get that creation/fear checked out by being able to talk about it.

Skysblue, good luck tomorrow.

[crazycanbegood]

she's not going to ditch you skysblue and if she does, she sucks.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by vaffla

When you tell her you don't have the courage to be honest with her, how does she respond to that? Does she try to work with you to see what it is that scares you so much?

Yes, she is really good at gently asking questions. And she gives me lots of quiet time to think and get deeper inside myself. I've told her it's the fear of getting into trouble. We both recognize that this is childhood stuff. I've read that 'understanding' is not enough but that 're-experiencing' in session is what can make the difference. I am sure doing that. I just don't know what happens next. I guess it's somehow or another teaching my emotional brain that the childhood consequences that were so terrifying will not be the adult consequences. I know that. I do. But that's my rational brain knowing, not my emotional brain. T says that when I continue to not experience what my child mind expects, I will slowly be able to change my reaction. But, you see, I did 'get into trouble' with the iPod. But then again, not really, because like I've said before it was only a subtle look on her face that I detected, nothing else.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by dismantle.repair

There's a good thing about being a pessimist... You're either proven right, or pleasantly surprised :P

But I used that method in pretty much.. everything. I expected disappointments and failure, and I expected the worst possible scenario. That, unfortunately, landed me in therapy (partially).
I still do that, and I do it in session as well.
Tbh, I think it's a form of cowardice (please don't bite me for that).
It's easier... but it's not better.

Oh yes, I confess to being a coward. I will not deny it.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

she's not going to ditch you skysblue and if she does, she sucks.

No, I know she won't ditch me. She is a wonderful T. But can you convince my emotional brain?

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

The best thing for me is to keep learning that I have no control, but I do have communication about the things I wish I could control or imagine I can control. You know, I do this well in day to day life. I go through life without the worry that plagues other people so much. Believe it or not, I am a very relaxed person.
And to keep learning that my imagined scenarios are just that, imagined. The reality of it is unknown until it happens. It's that unknown area where my fears emerge. Sitting with feelings for me means also sitting with the naked truth that I can't control the outcome; that can be relieving as well as stressful. It can be relieving because there is no point in trying to control something I can't. So I am free to let it be, let it happen, and see how it goes. This is exactly what I tell my friends who tend to anxiety in life - that they try to control so much of life. Again, in RL I'm an expert at that. It's just this particular issue that has me revved up. At least now, I can truly understand others who go through life living anxiety. I had never understood it well before but now that I'm in therapy I've learned about emotions and am now being forced to face fears of my own

I am pretty secure in my relationship with my T but it's taken 4 yearsOk - we only have 8 months together so maybe I shouldn't be too concerned that I'm still struggling with this. and voicing my fears many times about my thought that she would like to terminate me, or would retire (to terminate me. lol), and many kinds of responses and patience from T about those fears before I could feel secure.I know this will definitely be a topic today in session because I had left message with her a few days ago about my fear of termination. Part of attachment issues and repeated experiences will help with time. Maybe tell your T that you need repeated reassurance whenever the fear is there.I will try not to bury that fear and bring it up as much as needed. See, it gets buried and then a trigger happens and it gets blown out of proportion. I don't know that there is 'more' to do about it, it just takes time and as the relationship and trust deepen, the reassurances can be taken in and accepted for longer periods of time. At least that's how it's worked for me. I see, lots of repetition that finally convinces the emotional brain.

I also would think my therapist was mad at me. Even after a good session, early in my therapy, during the time between sessions, I would 'remember' the session and in the memory of it she was angry. At first I believed this misperceptions, then I could take them to her and tell her about them and she would tell me that my memory wasn't her experience. In time I was able to feel sure that my memory was not reality, it was a fear encroaching on my memory; so it was good to know that the incorrect memory could happen and I could accept it as my creation. But in the process, I learned not only that I could create based on fear, but I could also get that creation/fear checked out by being able to talk about it. Yeah, I do that, I think. Believing that I can 'read' people probably gets me into trouble because some of my 'reading' will be influenced by fear.

Skysblue, good luck tomorrow.

It's great getting everyone's input. It's helping me put together how I hope to approach session today. I will valiantly try to be as honest as possible with T. I think I may even ask for an extra session this week if the discussion feels really really incomplete.

The trouble with imagining T's response is we've only got our voice in our heads and not T's actual rersponse which normally has the magic ingediant - "compassion" that's what's missing until we have the actual discussion. With compassion everything else is bearable.

[rainbow8]

Good luck with your session today!!! I hope you will be able to say what you need to say. I'll be thinking of you.

[vaffla]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Yes, she is really good at gently asking questions. And she gives me lots of quiet time to think and get deeper inside myself. I've told her it's the fear of getting into trouble. We both recognize that this is childhood stuff. I've read that 'understanding' is not enough but that 're-experiencing' in session is what can make the difference. I am sure doing that. I just don't know what happens next. I guess it's somehow or another teaching my emotional brain that the childhood consequences that were so terrifying will not be the adult consequences. I know that. I do. But that's my rational brain knowing, not my emotional brain. T says that when I continue to not experience what my child mind expects, I will slowly be able to change my reaction. But, you see, I did 'get into trouble' with the iPod. But then again, not really, because like I've said before it was only a subtle look on her face that I detected, nothing else.

And when you detected that subtle look, did you bring it up with her? What did she say?

[Sannah]

Your fear that you are feeling is coming from the past so maybe if you talk about these past situations, beliefs, thoughts and feelings you can unload them in session so that they won't keep getting triggered up.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by vaffla

And when you detected that subtle look, did you bring it up with her? What did she say?

No, I have a delayed understanding of what's going on. It didn't register with me at the time. It was only later that I realized that she was not happy with me. And it didn't come up in session for a few weeks when I used my sense of her feelings to point out to her her reactions to me at that time.

She agreed she was annoyed. Because I was acting like a belligerent teenager.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think I was in the same place that you were - afraid to share certain things with my T, thinking she would get mad, terminate me, etc... Over the summer I just started saying things like, "I have something I want to share but it's hard for me", "I am feeling really vulnerable right now but I want to be honest with you", "I need your support around something I want to share" - that way my T knew that what I was about to say was going to be a bit hard for me.