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#1
Oct 29, 2011, 08:27 PM
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I can be okay for a while, but then the emotions come surging back and I'm doing impulsive things. Granted, they are not the impulsive things I used to do, like SI and OD, but still. Impulsive.
And after a while, when I feel so worn down from crying and so worthless and stinging from real or imagined rejection and abandonment, I start lashing out. I texted my T a while ago and said: So sick of crying. I wish I could be suicidal because at least then I'd have a way out, but I'm not. Just have to live and hope for better days. And she wrote back and said something about how she thinks better days are coming or something, and she likes the new plan. So I wrote back and said: You would like it. I effing hate it. And then I wrote again and said: I think maybe you should block my texts. And phone calls. Maybe email, too.... I totally get why I said that, because I don't want to text her but then things build up and I feel like she is the cause of all my pain so why *shouldn't* I share the pain with her? Screw her and her weekend off. At the same time, I know that is a drain on her. I have tried blocking myself from being able to text or call her, but that doesn't work. I really think it would be so much easier if she would just block me so I would be forced to find another outlet. But god knows what she thought when she read that text. God knows what her reply will be, or her reaction, but really there is no way she could respond to that would make me feel better. I just wish I could erase her from my life and my head and most of all my heart. It would be so much easier if I could just forget her.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#2
Oct 29, 2011, 08:44 PM
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ok, well. I guess I was wrong because she wrote back and said simply "nope" and you know, it did make me feel a teeny, tiny bit better. This whole thing feels like T giving up on me, but maybe she's not.
I don't know. Too emotional and worn out to pretend to understand what is going on inside me, but I do now that one word made me feel like in some little, tiny way, T is still on my side, and that feels a little, tiny bit good.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#3
Oct 29, 2011, 08:51 PM
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__________________
Happiness cannot be found through great effort and willpower, but is already present, in open relaxation and letting go. Don't strain yourself, there is nothing to do or undo. Whatever momentarily arises in the body-mind Has no real importance at all, has little reality whatsoever. Don't believe in the reality of good and bad experiences; they are today's ephemeral weather, like rainbows in the sky. ~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~ 
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#4
Oct 29, 2011, 08:55 PM
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I wrote back to her and said: it would be so much easier if you would. But thank you for not just saying ok. It feels a little bit like you're still on my side and that feels a little bit good.
and now I really, really need to stop texting her. I'm going to try to not have any contact with her tomorrow. I have to learn how to do that, even when I'm upset and falling apart, because I have to figure out how to be upset and falling apart on my own.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
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#5
Oct 30, 2011, 02:17 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
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#6
Oct 30, 2011, 10:44 AM
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Quote:
 You aren't making things worse, you are just riding through a hard patch; think of it as a car journey on different roads; do you blame yourself or the car when it's bumpy? No, you blame the dirt road with ruts and mud/sink holes.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#7
Oct 31, 2011, 10:33 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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