[granite1]

i was just wondering how you and your T deal with T's vacations.

my T asked if i wanted to talk about the fact that she was going away this holidat and wont see me on monday and thought that i might experiance this as an abandonment.i told her i was getting use to the monday holiday schedual and whatever it was ok.but now i think last monday part of my problem was i was kind of mad at her as crazy as it may seem.

it was strange for her to ask me about this no T i have ever had has ever asked me this.i was wondering if you all talk to your T's about how you feel about them going away?i know a lot of you have a very dificult time with this and was wondering if you let your T know how hard it is etc...how do you deal with talking about it

[mcl6136]

okay I see a pattern here. Other people's Ts talk to them about being gone and their feelings around this. Mine drops the bomb about it at the end of our session and then faces his desk. Sigh. I read somewhere that comparison is the basis of all misery and honestly, comparing notes here at this forum makes me realize that my T is missing the boat. However, Granite1, I know this is not about me. I think it's really good that your T is willing to bring this up as a topic. It doesn't sound at all crazy that you were mad about this, and it's even better that you were aware enough to understand that and not act it out or shut down! Behaviors are easy...well, you know the rest. Blessings to you!

[Butterflies Are Free]

Well, my T always asks how I feel about her vacations and we get a chance to talk about it. I didn't have my session today because she had a workshop and won't see her on Monday due to the holiday - I am struggling a bit right now around this but am glad I was able to talk to her about it.

[granite1]

does your T do anything that helps you with the abandonment issues that may come up woth the vacation???

[Flooded]

As much as I hate going to therapy whenever my pdoc has holidays I react by canceling all my appts after she comes back which is why I haven't been very much since her last holiday in May. It always takes me ages to go back.

[Hope-Full]

We talk about it quite a bit before my T goes, and she helps me with a back up plan in case something comes up while she's away. She traveled quite a bit this summer, so I got lots of opportunities to talk about her being gone. They are never easy conversations, but I'm learning that each time she leaves, it hurts less and less, because she always comes back the same wonderfully caring T that she was when she left. She's given me things to hold on to while she's away, which is really helpful because it is like having a part of her with me. It's also nice to be able to give the stuff to her when she returns, and we talk about how it helped me during her absence.

[Kacey2]

My t does some super great stuff to get me through his vacations. He will write me letters for every work day that he is gone. Sometimes he will leave me messages to listen to when he is away. I also have quite a few transition objects that he has given me. He knows that I have this developmental problem where when he is gone he is just dead and we start over like he is a stranger. Today he explained it to me like this. It is just like when you are a baby and you play peek a boo with your parents. The baby thinks their parents can not see them because there is a blanket covering their view but really the parents are still there and haven't left. He tells me he still cares and thinks about me and that he is going to come back and we talk about how I can soothe and comfort myself when he is gone and he asks me to write him letters to stay connected. When he comes back I am instantly pissed at him. I always act out. I don't mean to and I am aware of it and we are working really hard to change my behavior. Ohhh it is so tough.

[rainbow8]

My T and I always talk about how I feel when she goes on vacations because she knows how difficult it is when she goes away. That's one reason I bought the 2 bears, so I could take hers home to be with mine when she goes away.

Last Monday, even though I knew I wouldn't miss a session, I was anxious because she was going away for a few days. I think that's why she let me hold her hand and we did a lot of breathing to get me to calm down.

I hate when she goes away more than missing a session because I worry that something will happen to her. That's silly because most accidents happen close to home.

My T will tell me where she's going and she'll email me when she gets back. We talk about how to make it easier but there are no easy answers to abandonment issues. She tells me that she will be back but I know there are no guarantees in life. So far, she's always come back though.

Sorry I reread this and it's kinda depressing. Reflecting on my mood, I guess.

T vacations are hard for me, but he's taken A LOT of them over the past 4 years, so I'm getting used to it.

The first time I cried in therapy was after a T vacation. I just laid on his couch and sobbed. His being gone (and coming back) brought up SO many big feelings for me.

The best time was when T took something with him that reminded him of me and kept it with him the entire time he was gone. It was work trip, not a family trip, and it meant a lot. I have the thing he took right next to my bed now (it's something from his office) and I feel like it soaked up all of this strength and healing from the place T went and I love it. He is going away on the same type of work trip for the next two weeks, so tomorrow, we're going to figure out how to make that more okay.

Sometimes I make him little things - like a little knitting project or I color a mandala or something - and that helps. I write e-mails that I usually don't send. I have messages on my voice mail to listen to.

Really, reading this, T takes really really good care of me when he's gone. AND it's still hard.

[googley]

My T tells me a while before she is going to have to cancel session (unless she is sick or something). Then we talk about it before she is gone. Last time we planned what i was going to do during my therapy time. It helped to have a plan. That way I knew what was happening.

It is not unusual for people to have reactions to their Ts being gone. Ts know this and it is important for them to talk this over with them. Most (but not all) will talk about it with their clients.

[unaluna]

We talked about this today. We sat close together in the little chairs.
He had asked me Monday if I was going to miss him, and I said I couldn't talk about it before now. But my first reaction was, I'm not allowed to miss anybody. He said, his first reaction to that was, you're not allowed to have feelings. Right.

I said I imagined telling him two things, and they both felt equally fake:
1. Why should I miss you?
2. Don't go, I want you to stay here with me.
But I did want him to acknowledge the 2nd statement.

Then somehow it morphed into my being hungry and being afraid to fall asleep and feeling like I waited forever for my mother to come back, and that while "whoever" is gone, I am "gone" too. That's why those statements above feel fake - I don't feel anything. Then I KINDA FELT something - it just looked really dark in my mind and I felt really really tiny and I cried a little little bit but then it/I was gone again. And the past month or so, I haven't been so scared, but which was notable only by its absence. I said I was glad he was my therapist. And we laughed again about my Soylent Green is people line (T is not people) - that now I am bringing in stuff from the outside world, whereas before it was just me and him and it was weird and hollow.

Then the usual weirdness - I asked if I could go with him, he said you'd be sleeping a lot, I said yes, curled up in the trunk (he's driving like 8 hrs one way), he told me when he was leaving and returning, I said so are stopping by my place on your way back? and he said well that depends.

(Is hell freezing over? Cuz I think that's when he'll be stopping...)

Anyway, a good session, overall. I feel like more pieces of the puzzle are starting to show themselves. Just acknowledging, I'm not allowed to miss you, is big for me.

This was the first time I think we used the little chairs since the June rupture. It was very comfortable, I was a little worried it was going to be awkward but it wasn't. It's like we know and trust each other now, it's pretty cool. I'm feeling better in my body, which was a goal.

[dizgirl2011]

Hey,

I usually find them hard and I keep asking myself why it is so bad when maybe it's only a week or so. I don't like feeling that loss, that needy and pretty much alone.

I usually deal with it by just keeping as busy as possible. Getting out of the house, seeing friends etc just doing something each day that helps break it up a little. It doesn't stop it being hard but it helps a bit at least to be distracted.

Sometimes I also focus on something that i want to take with me or share in my next session...so i kind of give myself a project so that i can feel connected to T in a way.

[granite1]

i dont know i know i miss her when she is gone but i never really looked at it in terms of feeling abandoned.but i guess i was mad at her last monday and i guess that her leaving may have had something to do with it.i didnt want to do the mindfulness,i didnt want to talk to her,or anything and i left angry and feeling really let down.but didnt think it was because she was leaving but now i guess it was.but im not mad at her now and i want her to come back.i am willing to try this mindfulness and everything.i miss her a lot

[rainbow8]

granite, I think it's progress that you miss your T a lot. I know it's hard, though.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by granite1

i dont know i know i miss her when she is gone but i never really looked at it in terms of feeling abandoned.but i guess i was mad at her last monday and i guess that her leaving may have had something to do with it.i didnt want to do the mindfulness,i didnt want to talk to her,or anything and i left angry and feeling really let down.but didnt think it was because she was leaving but now i guess it was.but im not mad at her now and i want her to come back.i am willing to try this mindfulness and everything.i miss her a lot

I also never had thought about it being abandonment but now I know it is. I miss T just from week to week so you can imagine how tough it is when she actually goes on vacation.

T and I spend a lot of time trying to prepare me for her absence. But, Granite, I think the mindfulness exercises will be very helpful. I've been trying that today to keep myself from sinking and I see there is some affect. Keep at it.