[sittingatwatersedge]

Last week: an amazing amount of insight and understanding
T said: you have worked hard and have done well
Feelings: wonder, happiness
Effects: great peace, an actual sense of growth, optimism for future

This week: realization that T has assigned me to watch for, track, challenge & report back what she calls a "cognitive distortion" but which is really a basic, basic defense mechanism that is very important to me & I have NO intentions of giving it up; doing this exercise serves only to foster shame and even more self doubt, which I cannot afford
T said: (haven't seen her yet, this week's appt cancelled)
Feelings: rebelliousness, defeat, self contempt, discouragement
Effects: willing acceptance of all negative thoughts; bitter futility.

I hate therapy. TIme to stop.

I think that with all the great work you did last week, you deserve some rebellion and maybe self satisfaction from proving your T wrong.

Is there a way you can transform this "assignment" into something that might actually be useful to you? For example, if I were you and this assignment, I'd track when I used said beloved "cognitive assistance" and write down exactly how it was useful to me then.

As an argument for keeping it, said to T.

Remember, you're in charge. You don't have to do the assignment at all, you can do "it" in any form you want you, you can sit down and write her every about how stupid T is for even suggesting it.

You own it and everything else about your inner world. Don't give it away, even at T's request, unless you really want to.

Anne

[skysblue]

I think Anne says it very well. Do you really hate therapy or just that assignment?

[sittingatwatersedge]

I hate feeling like I have 6883435478505 things wrong with me. Still. Yet.

I hate being asked to document (read: admit in writing) that my perceptions are so profoundly twisted that I wouldn't know the truth of life, of people, if it came up and bit me. I don't believe that, I don't want to believe that, and I resent the **** out of it being implied, even.

Most of all I hate the fact that two weeks ago, I could really understand what she was saying about distortions, calmly, intelligently, without defense getting in the way, and now am back on defense big time & she is speaking an alien tongue to me. I'm certain that her words have not changed; the defect is in me.

I hate it.

sorry

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

I hate feeling like I have 6883435478505 things wrong with me. Still. Yet.

I hate being asked to document (read: admit in writing) that my perceptions are so profoundly twisted that I wouldn't know the truth of life, of people, if it came up and bit me. I don't believe that, I don't want to believe that, and I resent the **** out of it being implied, even.

Most of all I hate the fact that two weeks ago, I could really understand what she was saying about distortions, calmly, intelligently, without defense getting in the way, and now am back on defense big time & she is speaking an alien tongue to me. I'm certain that her words have not changed; the defect is in me.

I hate it.

sorry

You know - it takes time for us to change. You had an experience of understanding and that felt good. But it's unreasonable to expect that we can maintain these new experiences when we've had years of less healthy experiences. It takes time for a more solid and secure understanding to take hold.

But at least now you know what it feels like to understand and you will return to that state again and again. Sure, you'll fall and crash at times but then you'll get up again. You know the whole analogy of learning to ride a bike - same with us as we try to find our emotional balance.

At my T keeps explaining to me - 'it doesn't happen quickly nor in a linear easy to follow path."

Try to be easier on yourself. Release as much as possible your self-condemnation. Explore the idea of 'patience' and self-forgiveness. Slowly turn your mind's obsessive thoughts to all that's 'wrong' with you to that which is 'right' with you. Because those things that are 'right' are valid and important too.

And that which you don't want to do - don't! Everything has its proper time and it's probably not yet the time in which you can do the exercise your T wants from you. Slow and easy is much more effective than forcing stuff. Remind your T of that.

[Sannah]

Ahhh defenses, I just did some work on mine over this summer. They are buggers. Have you tried reading about defenses? This is what helped me with mine. They are put there to help you cope (at one time). But yeah, then they can get in the way later. Have you tried to think about why you have them and when you acquired them? When you got them you were trying to survive. This is a good thing to do.

Did you ever read the article that I put here about defenses a few months ago?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Did you ever read the article that I put here about defenses a few months ago?

no, after being attacked by crippling viruses TWICE I am very leery of clicking on links any more. thanks though.

I wish I had the courage to pick up and go forward. Everything just seems so pointless.

FWIW, T doesn't know about all this, & how I feel about this assignment; the last time she saw me I was floating on achievement, high and happy. But the last time she gave me this assignment I had the same reaction, so this doesn't sound good, maybe like the impenetrable brick wall at last, the end of therapy.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

maybe like the impenetrable brick wall at last, the end of therapy.

Sounds suspiciously like very well-practiced negative self-talk...

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Sounds suspiciously like very well-practiced negative self-talk...

easy for you to say maybe. What if you were asked to write down every event of importance in your day, and examine every reaction you have, and try to think up and list possible alternatives to the reading you instinctively gave?
Do you know how deeply confusing it is to keep questioning every single reaction you have? Especially if you have a lot of self doubt to start with? You begin to wonder if maybe you can't ever make a reasonable reaction at all; you begin to think that maybe you don't use your God-given reason, you just emote. Well, reason is what makes us human beings; without reason we are not human. Reason is what makes us sane, Sblue, without reason we are literally - insane.
I refuse the idea that I am insane, and yes I balk at the idea of documenting how I "fail" to use my reason all day every day. I don't care how kindly and gently T packages it, I am not going to accept that; so why continue in therapy?

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

easy for you to say maybe. What if you were asked to write down every event of importance in your day, and examine every reaction you have, and try to think up and list possible alternatives to the reading you instinctively gave?
Do you know how deeply confusing it is to keep questioning every single reaction you have? Especially if you have a lot of self doubt to start with? You begin to wonder if maybe you can't ever make a reasonable reaction at all; you begin to think that maybe you don't use your God-given reason, you just emote. Well, reason is what makes us human beings; without reason we are not human. Reason is what makes us sane, Sblue, without reason we are literally - insane.
I refuse the idea that I am insane, and yes I balk at the idea of documenting how I "fail" to use my reason all day every day. I don't care how kindly and gently T packages it, I am not going to accept that; so why continue in therapy?

Oh yeah, it's easy for me to say because I recognize it so well. I'm a master at negative self talk.

And, if I were asked to do that assignment, I would refuse. As I stated before, you must feel that any exercise that T gives you will benefit you and if it doesn't feel right, then you must not do it.

Of course, you're not insane. You're struggling to manage emotions like most of us are.

I don't know how your T does therapy mostly so maybe her method is not what will work best for you. I know my T backs off when she senses real resistance in me and will come at me later or in another tack. She is very sensitive to what I am able to do at the moment. And I've even said to her, "I don't want to do this!" And she respects that.

So, I truly believe therapy can be helpful but there needs to be a good fit between client and T.

So sorry you're suffering so much now.

Doesn't sound like the assignment you've been asked to do would have any theraputic effect for you at this point. I think its within your power to say this, its ok to protest what is being asked of us isn't appropriate for us.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Well, reason is what makes us human beings; without reason we are not human. Reason is what makes us sane, Sblue, without reason we are literally - insane.
I refuse the idea that I am insane, and yes I balk at the idea of documenting how I "fail" to use my reason all day every day.

Having our defenses is using reason. We acquired these defenses to survive. It was very reasonable to acquire these defenses. The thing that didn't have reason was whatever pushed us into needing these defenses.

When you use your defenses you are reflexively falling back on a past use of reason.

Can I make a suggestion that might make the assignment less daunting? Rather than trying to look at "every" reaction you have, just pick one or two a day. Perhaps pick one or two times you seemed really triggered by something that went on and just look at those one or two instances. That way it isn't quite such an overwhelming task. This doesn't have to happen all at once. You don't have to spend every waking moment doing this. That would be too much for anyone. Baby steps.