i dont understand why

so my T has been on vacation i wont see her until Monday.i miss her so much.i am thinking about T and i am just uneasy about all of it.such a mix of emotions and i don't understand why.it isn't like i go in there and talk up a storm or that i have this overwhelming connection or attachment to her.but still i miss her when she goes away. so even when she comes back i will go to T and probably say nothing again and have my usual huge trust issues.i am just completely confused by it all.i even stop working on anything as she is gone.like the mindfulness stuff.i was very into it but now that i haven't seen her in about a week and half i have just not dealt with anything.it is like i just give up wanting anything for me and just kind of go into hiding and deal with nothing but feeling sorry for myself.just felt like ranting

(((( granite )))) rant away, we will listen!
You are working on it, whether you think so or not. If you weren't, the thought of it woudn't enter your head.
Maybe you could go to the search block on the main PC page and see if they have any blog entries about mindfulness; this place has huge resources and you might find something that will - gently - help you along till you see yr T again. Good for you, you are still in there fighting. Your efforts will bear fruit in the proper time!

You do have a connection with T and I can see why you miss her.

For me it's always that I'm of different minds. Some part of me really is connected and wants to be connected and some part of me fears connection or has some other reaction. I can't count the number of weeks that I've spent wishing it was Thursday, only to find myself unable to talk to my T when Thursday finally rolled around. I've wished it weren't this way, but have had better progress when I embrace it as something to learn from. I'm better off when I can acknowledge my conflicting parts rather than simply getting frustrated or angry with them.

Firstly, hi & good luck with everything. Secondly, had a chuckle when I read your post re; mindfulness. My T gives me homework on mindfulness etc too. I know in some way it's supposed to be beneficial, but I struggle to see the immediate relevance when I'm about to become homeless & become bankrupt.
You may think you bottle up with your T, but reading between the lines it seems like you really do like him/her. That's brilliant. Finding one you like & trust can be difficult. So, well done, & stick with it. More power to you!

thanks everyone.
sometimes i want so badly to feel that connection that some of you talk about .like this person knows everything about you and it is still ok and you trust this person so much with everything you say and feel.it just sounds so unbelievably awsome .but then i am scared to death of such a connection.i fight against it so hard that it is totally impossable for my T to get in.and even if she does i totaly disregard it.i know the want is there and i am better than i was a year ago.i do at least open my mouth and speak some almost every session now when not to long ago i would go for a month or so without even speaking one word not even hi.now my T knows when things are not ok because she points out that i am not talking and didnt even say hi and i can see this and relax i bit and say hi.small steps but progress.

I think it's great that you can see the progress you've made since a year ago. You may think it's not much, but it IS! I understand wanting the connection with your T and also not wanting it. You are learning to trust her and that takes time. Missing her is a step towards connection. You're doing fine, granite!

i don't know if this is true for you at all or not; but sometimes when i'm doing things I connect them with a person - like especially with T but with others as well. At some level although i'm doing things for myself, it's much easier to do something if I think i'm doing it for someone else instead. So something like doing the mindfulness; if you are picturing doing it for your T, and now she isn't there so why bother? even though you know it would still help you; the thinking gets confused? (sorry this isn't coming out very clearly )

i think what you are saying may be true.if she isnt around why bother.sounds angry.i wish i could just want to do it for me

thanks rain it is so painfuly slow.i just wish i was a lot further along and more willing to work by now

do you think it's anger? it could also be ... some kind of rejection, loneliness, feeling unsupported a little? or other things ..... can you work out what the feeling is

do you know what it would take for you to do it for you?

I think I read someone comparing progress in therapy like watching hair grow. granite, you keep going, you keep trying. that's huge. sometimes that's all I can manage.

I soooo know where you're coming from! My T is very much for meditation and 'tapping' and hypnosis, and sometimes, even though it's calming in the moment, I just think "sure, this may benefit the 'worried well', but how is it going to help me in my situation? My life stinks!" But then, I know a lot of this stuff is about our perception to how things are... or something...

Granite,
Two things from reading your post and first off I am encouraged to here you say that you rollar coaster on the attachment thing but hey the great news it.......Granite is attached to her t now. Even though it is painful. I completely 100% agree. You are now officially in the therapy heart ache club. No worries there are no monthy dues we already pay a fortune for therapy!

The second thing I wanted to comment on was how you say you are not working on anything right now while she is away in particular mindfullnes. Many times when my t goes on vacation he does not expect I will be able to work on my skills. Depending on where I am at and what we are working on. It is a therapy vacation for me. It takes away the guilt and shame about not succeeding. Sometimes I think WHOO HOO free pass! Maybe you could think of it as you taking a vacation from therapy. Something to talk to t about perhaps.

kacey, i am totaly all over taking a T vacation also .i so get the woo hoo free pass.i did feel this way about the mindfulness.i was angry that she evem tried it before her vacation.i miss her

I'm sorry that you are frustrated with "slow" (your word, not mine!) progress granite I still think it is great.

Kacey, for some reason I thought the above was hysterically funny!! True but funny nevertheless!

granite, I agree with Kacey. You're getting attached, which is good but you're trying to fight it. About the mindfulness: you don't have to do it without your T. Or, if you just try to concentrate on your breathing for 1 minute, maybe you can tolerate it. But if you're angry with your T, that's OKAY!

Small steps you say.

YOU JUST BROKE DOWN A BRICK WALL!

I can see the strength and courage that took. You should be PROUD. Give yourself some credit.

Haha yeah. I've started trying a few new group programmes ie art therapy, group therapy etc. Have found it beneficial, even if just for the meeting nice people aspect. Shrinks are well-intentioned goof. Did I tell you about my 70yr old Iraqi psychiatrist who said "you're young, smart, pretty. You just need to find a good man". Haha helpful much. Take care xo