[Kacey2]

Well I haven't been able to really talk about this yet partially because I think I traumatized myself a little. Things got sooo out of control and I ended up cutting my arms very badly where it required extensive suturing to repair. Part of DBT is that you call when you have tried the skills and they haven't worked and you need help. Well I called that damn coaching phone twice when I was in the midst of my crisis and no one answered. I even left messages both times. After I went to the ER the next day I called my t and told him. According to DBT protocol after someone harms themselves there is no communication with t or coaching line for 24 hours. I then had to go over a huge sheet about what they call a chain analysis and explain every minute detail to t. T said that he was really freaked out when I told him that I got 80 stitches. We still haven't finished the thing. I asked t if he was going to tell this in consultation and he said yes because he needed support. I totally feel like I let my t down. I am so embarrassed. I think that I will have some super huge scars for a really long time. T also found out about some conflict in the group which involves me and said he was going to consult about that too. I am really spinning out of control with my emotions about this. I feel like I am the bad kid and they are all talking about me. I am not talking to this other girl in there, I have tried to talk to her privately and she won't talk to me so if she tries to bring it up or anyone else does I am going to walk right out the door. Does anyone else ever feel like things are totally out of control in therapy or life in general? Has anyone else let t down and how so? This is not the first time I have done things like this but it had been a long time and I had been doing so well. I hadn't tried to SU or cut in almost a year. I am so scared about my impulsivity. Last year I did some bad things and ended up waking up in the ICU with a tube shoved down my throat a few days later. I am terrified by my own destructiveness. Seriously what is wrong with me? I am totally just telling way too much but I am completely out of control with everything right now.............................

You aren't bad. Your T though sounds very concerned about you and is doing the right thing in consulting with others about you. Try to remember he is doing that to ultimately help you; he isn't doing it to say you are bad.

In the past few years, my impulsivity was a huge problem. I acted before I could think and ended up hospitalized many times for my own safety. I don't regret the hospitalizations. It is a good facility and I needed intensive care during those times. Over time I have learned to access my thinking more efficiently so that I can take healthy measures rather than hurting myself. It took time though, and many, many sessions with my T, and finally getting my medication regulated to get to that point.

You said something about having let your T down. I'm not sure my actions ever let my T down, but I know he was very concerned, sometimes frustrated because he knew the sooner I learned to do this, the better and safer I would be. It was hard to watch me repeatedly self-destruct, I'm sure. But he was always there as my support and guide, and I did get through that period eventually.

Try not to get too down on yourself about this. You goofed. You can't change the past. But continue to work on those skills that may be exactly what you need to get you through the next episode without hurting yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

[PTSDlovemycats]

((((((((((Kacey))))))))))

Oh Sweetie...

...I don't know where to start...my heart goes out to you right now! I know that pain so well. I am so so sorry that you followed DBT protocol (twice) by calling for support before SI and your needs went unmet. That is so disappointing. (((HUGS))) ...maybe try a crisis line if that happens again.

You are worth so much more than you believe and you don't need to do anymore harm or damage to yourself. Have you tried the "Butterfly Project" at all?? It is where you draw a butterfly on the spot of your body that you want to SI and in order for the butterfly to survive, it has to fade away. If you SI, then the butterfly...bites the dust. It is a great idea. Try it or if not try squeezing ice cubes. It hurts like hell but it causes no permanent damage. I think you probably scared your T.

As for letting my T down, yes I have done that a few times by ODing and also SIing after talking to her on the phone, She said that it made her feel like she wasn't able to do her job properly as she wasn't able to help me. But at the same time I also neglected to tell her actually how desperate I was at the time because I didn't want yet another hospitalization. Now I am much more honest with her.

I hope things turn around for you and improve soon Kacey. Keep talking to your T. Don't lose faith. You are worth it and so much more! Believe in yourself Hon, you WILL get through this.

Sending you positive vibes!....

[eskielover]

I hope that your T is going over what skills you tried & what didn't work & WHY they didn't work....so that you can get a deeper insight into yourself. Think that if T can go that deep inside of yourself, he might get a much better picture of what's going on with you.

DBT is to teach us that the ultimate control is OURS. Yes, it's important to have a support system when we are struggling but sadly, the ultimate responsibility is our own to take care of ourselves. Know it's hard when we find that hole we slip through....hopefully as you progress with your DBT, YOU will be able to fill those holes with your own skills after you learn what they are & how to use them.

Hopefully if something like this happens again, you will be able to look at the big picture (that being what can happen to you when you feel that way) & figure out what the emotions are that you are feeling that are causing you to feel so out of control. Once you understand your emotions, they you will be able to do something about them with your logical thought & come up with a much better way than SI of dealing with what you are feeling.......ah, the ultimate purpose of DBT....but it takes quite awhile to get there......I have been going to DBT since last January & still am working on figuring it out......even our leader who has been teaching DBT for years says that there are days when she can't even follow the DBT skills...but at least she recognized what she is doing....sometimes I can't even get to that point yet....but it will come with practice. Your T sounds awesome going over the chain reactions that happened.....this is in order for you to learn from what you did through his guidance.....think that is a wonderful process

Sending you my best wishes

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Kacey ))))

You are NOT bad. I do understand the feelings of letting T down, and I know how horrible that feels. I think it's great that your T is consulting with others. Realize that it is ultimately to help you. I can understand how unnerving that feels. Please talk to your T about all of these feelings. It's important that you let this out to your T, so T can help you work through it.

[PTSDlovemycats]

How are you doing now Kacey??

[granite1]

kacey,i know how bad things can feel especially after you have SI.please be patient with yourself you are not bad at all.and i hope you will be able to see this .i dont think you let your T down i think the coaching line let you down and i hope T is going to address this . it seems like you are going through a very dificult time right now and my heart so goes out to you because i know these feelings so well.you dealt the best you could and i hope your T is able to help you pick yourself back up and move foward.i know it is so hard at these times to do it alone.im here if you want to share more of what is going on ok

[Kacey2]

Thanks everybody. I would like to respond personally to everyone and contribute to other peoples posts but right now I have to apologize I just don't have it in me. The good news is that I can get my stitches out next wednesday and that is going to feel really good! The other good news is that t and I finally worked through the chain analysis and we have a detailed plan for crisis times in the future.

Cats I really liked your butterfly suggestion and it is part of my safety plan. My t liked as well and said that he was going to use that in the future. I gave you the credit.

The bad news is that I had set a limit with a previous group member (previous post) that I won't delve into again but what has happened is that the gal I had talked to broke her confidentiality that she had promised me and turned other people in the group against me. Last week when we were leaving group I walked out the front door a few minutes after everyone else. When I went outside the conversation completely stopped. So I asked if they were talking about me and one of my friends said yes they were. Well the gloves came off.......... The girl and I got into a shouting match and everyone else jumped in and eventually group t had to come out to the parking lot a break it up. What a nightmare. I have to work next time so I won't be there and to tell the truth I am 99.999% sure I won't return.

The last update is that yes we have started to tape my sessions for training purposes and that has been weird. They haven't been viewed yet and after all this plus a couple bad t sessions in a row I called my t and told him that I changed my mind and and do not want those tapes viewed by the consultation team and the DBT experts. I guess I am a therapist's worst nightmare right now. Ah well you can't be a shining star all the time.

Thanks again for the support and I will try to answer post individually as soon as I have a clear mind to do so.

[granite1]

sending you so much love and strength kacey.thinking about you

I'm so sorry that you were in such turmoil that you needed to cut. I understand how it goes. I hope your arms heal quickly.

[Wysteria]

Hi Kacey...

Boy you have been through a lot lately and I really admire you for working it through and doing the whole chain analysis with your T and also protecting yourself and doing what's best for you at this time in terms of the video etc. I really hope that some of the turmoil will die down soon so you can get back in to healing mode again. You had been doing so very well, and I just know you'll get back on track again. Please do some self-care and know that we are all thinking about you, and care very much about you indeed...

Safe and warm huggles,

Wysteria Blue