100% Trust then Not So Much

Does your trust level with T vary? I find I fluctuate a lot in my trusting of T. Sometimes I feel I can trust her 100% and then something happens or she says something that makes me pull back in my trust level. And then regret sets in that I've shared so much. Like, how could I go so far when she might not be that trustworthy? But still, I like (love) her but then I also want to end it altogether. Does anyone else experience this kind of change of trust with their own T's?

My trust in my T has always been very consistent, but trust is not really a big issue for me. I can see how it might waver if trusting other people was a fairly tentative endeavor.

I have major trust issues with the whole of the planet - even in my own ability to make decisions and have a good grasp on reality (whatever reality is!)! I go from not trusting T, to trusting a bit, then feeling freaked that I have got too close. It's almost replicated in an image I have in my head of him being very close, but then very distant from me. I sometimes have images of him in supervision talking about me as a "case", then I feel very distant from him and almost that I have been "studied" like some animal.

What a great thread. I think this was the core issue between me and Cold Distant T. It was almost uncanny the way I would feel quite a bit of trust (maybe not 100 percent, I mean this is my issue, after all!). ANd then feel really disoriented because there was very very little in the Trust Department. And it was really mind-bending.....

At times, I would feel like disclosing a lot, like getting into some intimacy issues of mine that are long-standing, and then..something would happen, a big rupture and I would back away, feeling really stung and tentative. Sometimes I lashed out at T, sometimes, I just sucked things up but there was NEVER (now THIS is 100 percent) any discussion of my trust issue. I didn't trust him enough to talk about my lack of trust! Ha! And these instances got worse...to the point where I expected them and felt defeated by the relationship. The relationship began to dominate the therapy...and there were things in RL that really needed to get dealt with!

I posted elsewhere about a picture that I brought into therapy, and now that I think about it, I realize that although T studied the photo for a long time, he said nothing about it at the time...and I felt like I was blabbing along to fill space...then several appointments later, he made a comment about the photograph, making some harsh, overarching declarations about the people in it...my family members, and it just happened to be at a time when I was feeling really vulnerable, and suddenly, I was experiencing a total lack of trust. I think that I do have these struggles with trustinig others, but I'm ALSO pretty sure that my T was never really WORTHY of my trust. So, in a sense, the whole topic is front and center, which is good, but the way that arose was just really, really damaging to me. And btw...I am now shopping for new Ts..which brings its own set of demands....lol! But that's something I'm seeking in a new T...someone who engenders a feeling of security, safety, trust.....even if that happens over time.

My trust fluctuated in my first t this year - although my percentages are a lot smaller - mine probably went from 0 to 5% trust. Not so much with facts, but with any description of emotion certainly. And I am not good at knowing if I am having any feeling or not, so the likelihood of me knowing I was having a feeling (other than terror at t) and being at the high end of trust on any given day was fairly slim.

Instead of writing "...not SO much", I should have written "... not AS much." Soup and mcl, I'm lucky I don't have a situation quite like yours. My T is VERY empathic and I trust her 100% in trying her best to do right by me. And she has. I had started a thread just last week "My Therapist/My Defender" because she is so awesome.

So, why do I hear and remember just one sentence that she said 2 weeks ago that makes me trust her judgment less than 100%? Maybe I need to stop looking at her as 'perfect'. In fact she has resisted 'perfect T' label. Why can't I see her as human and just like anyone else? So what if she had a very small lapse of judgment? Am I really that critical? I guess so.

Maybe I worry this one miniscule lapse of judgment is indicative of something more serious that I'm not aware of yet. If I knew for sure this was all it was, I could probably relax. It is so strange to have feelings that waver like this.

That is a very interesting dynamic you are describing with your perceptions of trust.

I have had the experience of interviewing a few potential T's that I thought were complete losers. With all of them, my reaction was basically that I wouldn't trust them to give my dog therapy. I thought they were all or so combination of stupid, self-interested, couldn't put a coherent sentence together without psychobabble, failed to grasp what I was saying even though it wasn't terribly complicated (yet refused to ask questions to illuminate it as needed). I was also in group therapy for a brief time with a loser therapist, too (maybe 4 or 5 months, I kept trying to stick it out because I thought maybe it was me, which is what the T kept saying).

And then I've had, or am in the process of having, three successful T relationships where the T's have all been astoundingly different in their approaches, yet I have flourished in all of them. So I feel like I have the experience to both identify a good T or a good T experience and their opposites. This gives me confidence to trust whoever it is that I picked. For me the trust is centered around my belief in them to help me. My belief that they can understand what I'm saying and help me get from wherever I am to wherever I want to be. I guess for me, that trust is primarily located in their competence and my perception of that.

But whatever it is, my feelings of trust definitely shift or have some fluidity to them. My trust shoots up when my current T points out that what I'm currently struggling with reminds him of something he read in my journal five weeks ago. It shoots down when I clearly remember telling him something that was pretty significant, that generated an extended conversation between us, and then he doesn't remember having that conversation, "oh, yeah, I think you told me that." He says, he's a man of a "certain age", his memory isn't perfect any more. There are other examples of how his specific behavior can influence how much I trust him in any given moment. The time that my trust in him was most insecure was when I was trying to give him my journal for the first time and I was all freaky about it, wondering if I should do it or not and what his reaction would be. He said, "how often do you have a conversation with someone about whether or not you can trust them?" It was a good thing, and a conversation I recommend having with your T.

I think that sometimes with me, I have to make a conscious decision to trust my T, and I sometimes do this in other areas of my life. I decide to share something about my life with someone I wasn't expecting to tell, and I am mindful of the fact that this person might be the world's worst gossip or that maybe my disclosure will be hurtful or whatever. Sometimes I think it's not so much about whether or not you can feel trust about someone else, but whether you are willing to trust someone else. It's a leap of faith that when you reach across the abyss that isolates you from other people, that the other person will catch your hand and help you land safely on the other side. I think that trust is maybe more about being willing to leap than trying to accurately gauge whether you'll be helped to safety. Because if you don't leap, you definitely won't get to the other side. If you try, you have a pretty good chance at succeeding.

Anne

Yes, this is a good and thought provoking thread. For me, what I learned with my last less-than-good T was that the "blank slate" approach does not endgender trust for me.

I'm not saying that I need a huge amount of information about a Ts private life, but with someone as (you knew this was coming) cold and distant as my T, there was just no way to be able to really open up. I suppose I knew that early on, and I suppose that the therapy was useful in some respects (dealing with very concrete issues of money, work, housing, and such) but that I do need to have some sense of shared values, outlooks, something in order to open up. At least I need to know that I'm sitting across from someone who is...well, human. And my T, who took a very conservative "analytic stance" was a COMPLETE blank slate. I knew his name and literally nothing more and once when he actually said something about when he grew up (I was not sure this had actually happened, I thought he came off an assembly line) he said, "this goes against all my training to reveal anything about myself."

Having said all of that, I notice my trust was at an even lower ebb after sesssions when I tried to go into some deeper stuff. I knew that I was backing away. I think SOME inkling that I'm dealing with a person, and not an analytic wall, helped. For example, I had lunch with a friend today, not somebody that I'm SUPER close to, and she started to share a little about experiences from a long time ago...very intense childhood stuff. All of a sudden, I'm having an amazing, completely therapeutic talk at this little fast food place and dealing with all of the stuff I should have been talking about in...THERAPY! And it struck me, I do need someone who can help me get the ball rolling...ask a few questions, stay with a meandering topic, slow down a little..all of which my T was unable to do. I know I bring lots of issues to the table (more than National Geographic, as one poster said), but I think that the T does create (or not!) an atmosphere of trust. It takes two......

I have trusted my T and I resonated with her from the first visit on. But our sessions for the past few months have been me blabbering away and her having just small moments to make comments or guidance. Her advice and help always seemed right on. And I have taken her suggestions to heart and have tried to apply them. Her interpretation of my situation also seems accurate.

And then she said one sentence that made me wonder. If she was able to say that and it was a bit unprofessional, in my opinion, was all the guidance she's given me previously really something I should have been trusting so implicitly?

But, again, can't someone make a small error in judgment without it tainting completely their integrity?

I think some of you have had pretty untrustworthy T's to begin with. For me, I think I'm just being a snot by being so d*mn picky.

omg, THIS.

OMG THIS is right!

3rdTimesTheCharm wrote:
I think this hit the nail on the head. I am grappling with this issue right now. I decided months ago that my T was worthy of being trusted. There were just all sorts of things he did that made me realize it would be safe to trust him. He's not perfect (no one is), but his heart is in the right place and I knew he would not knowingly hurt me in any way. So the question became .... would I allow myself to trust him? I don't trust anyone - period - so this is a huge step. I'm realizing that I have to remember that he's not perfect, and he may inadvertently do things that would make me feel slighted. Little stuff, really, but the kind of thing that can become HUGE when you can't trust and only reinforces the idea that of course I can't trust anyone - see what happens when I do, blah, blah, blah.

I'm right in the middle of making that leap that 3rdTimesTheCharm mentioned, and I'm absolutely terrified. But I trust that my T will help me through this.

(If he doesn't, he's toast - and he knows it )

ROTFL. I think someone said this earlier in this thread, but maybe it was another, and now I can't find it. "Hope he's wearing a cup!"

Anne

Sounds like what you're doing is called "splitting" - T is either all good or all bad. This is a defense mechanism. Is this what's going on?

Wisteria, about another dbt appt

(((skysblue)))

I do hold back a certain extent most of the time. There are some thoughts that I'm not quite ready or willing to share. For me, my willingness isn't due to a mistrust of my T. I just carry a lot of shame ~ and am afraid of people "looking down" upon me.

Shez

Do you want to share what your T said that was a bit unprofessional Skysblue?

No, I don't feel right putting it out there for all to see. And it may just be my weird sensitivity. You know how it is - only I have the right to question my T. I don't want anyone else's opinion.

Maybe, I don't know. Something to think about.

No, I'm not thinking 'all good or all bad'.

Makes sense

Calling it a "small LAPSE of judgment" means to me she is still perfect.
And here she is all wrong.I think it is NOT about her judgment at all. are you still looking for an excuse/reason to leave t? take a break and go back. or see someone else. you do not have to be perfect about this. not only that; it is impossible to make a mistake about this. you have been moving at warp speed compared to anyone else! you totally deserve to see someone else if you want. I mean if not you, then who?!

No, I don't want to see anyone else. And not looking for an excuse; I just think I might be done.

Yes, it is a pattern with me: approach (trust, intimacy) and retreat (mistrust, avoid, isolate).

It's meaningful to notice when it happens so you can see what it's about at that time.

And 2 months later I begin to see the pattern. What IS this about?