Temporary Distancing?

I think that flip flopping is pretty normal amoung most of us. I sure do know that I do that! I've come to understand it as a reaction to the closeness we experience in therapy or any intimate relationships. I do agree with the belief that we are biologically programmed to seek out connections. The problem is that some of us have also been programmed to fear or panic when faced with intimate connections--especially we people who have experienced traumatic experiences in life . .. which is most of us!

Sometimes we move away from or distance ourselves from intimate relationships/connections. Something inside of us views these relationships as dangerous or hurtful. Some of us don't even know why we feel this way . . . we just know that when people get "too close" we pull back or block the advance. It doesn't have to be psycotic or "crazy". The block can be completely rational or understandable or explainable.. . They can just be wrong for us at that time or event.

When I distance from my therapist, she gets it. She doesn't push. She doesn't insist that I come in . She puts me in the driver's seat. I get to decide. I get to control. I'm not saying that she "agrees" if I tell her I'm done, that I don't need therapy any more. . .. She is good about being open and confrontative that she doesn't agree with this assessment. She is able to understand that leaving or quiting or breaking for a time is what I need, but she remains open to me coming back "if and when I am ready". I like that because it puts me in the driver's seat.

I hope that you're able to negotiate the amount of distance you NEED from your therapist, skyblue. One thing I"ve learned over time, the distance I THINK I want is never the degree of distance I REALLY want.. . . I usually want to say I'm independent and not needing of my therapist but in reality I'm kidding myself . .. I need her a lot and when I come to recognize and accept that I'm ten steps ahead of where I am now. Good luck with the distancing . .. or not

She and I talked a lot about this today. It's completely in the open my attachment and neediness. I was frank with her about my fears and how much pain I might not be able to tolerate. I still don't understand completely the 'wisdom' of being vulnerable. Right now I'm as opposite of distancing as you can get. As I mentioned in the other thread, something opened up today and I feel a movement. It scares the h*ll out of me.

I'm beginning to wonder if feeling emotions is the same as feeling alive. Maybe that's why feeling depressed feels more 'real' to me than the daily feeling of non-existence. Of course, how this relates to distancing from T, I'm not sure. I guess getting practice with T in 'feeling' and maybe not being destroyed by them will teach how to 'regulate' them. I just don't know exactly. She keeps explaining and the words just wash over me without entering my comprehension.

I'll see her twice this week and hopefully I can get to a more settled place interiorly. I just don't get it. Why was I feeling so strong and clear just a week ago and now I'm not much more than a baby?

Because in a sense, skyblue, you are a baby or child when it comes to negotiating relationships. . . and I don't say that to be insulting. Take a minute and think about a young child and her mother--the child clings to her mom when she's in new or unfamiliar territory. She feels "held", safe and secure. But at some point, the child begins to venture out or move away from her mom because she's feeling more confident and adventurous--she wants to explore and be independent. But then, if she goes too far, she looks around frantically for her mom, and when she spies her, the child comes running back to her mom to be soothed and reassured. She gets refilled with confidence. . . and then, when she has her fill, she ventures out again. In some ways, I think that's what our therapists provide for us--a secure base.

I do believe that our society frowns on adults having any need for dependency on another. Somehow we've made it a nasty word. In the U.S. we've always prided ourselves on being of "pioneer stock". The idea of needing someone or being vulnerable is not really admired. But it's an unrealistic, false way of seeing ourselves. Everyone needs and benefits from having connections and support. Now if I could only stop being ashamed of my own dependency needs

Glad to hear that you're taking your therapist up on her offer of support!

Jaybird - you're exactly right. I've even preached the gospel of the advantage of dependency on T. But, like most of us have experienced, it is very uncomfortable. Out in the 'real' world, I am a professional woman with lots of responsibilities and I must guide and lead others. Being strong and clear is imperative.

And, of course, if one's personal history does not give one any experience of having supportive community, then one's whole life is striving for independence. Showing any dependency has resulted in lots of pain, so why even consider showing your weak needy side.

But with T we can do that, experience some pain, know that rejection and abandonment will not occur, and thereby learn one's 'real' strengths on how to negotiate life better. And the negotiation will come from a solid sense of oneself. Knowing when to be vulnerable, knowing when to be tough - and all of that without needing to put up a huge wall between oneself and the rest of the world. This, I think, is (for me) a goal in therapy, I'm just realizing.