Temporary Distancing?

What is all these flopping around emotions? Dang. Last week I suggested to T that I might be finished and now I'm a bit concerned about the month off she's taking in November. What gives?

So, I'm going to try to distance myself emotionally from T. I'll consider it a emotional 'holiday'. I have to start now since I'll need to be very practiced by November and it must last until December.

So, has anyone ever tried and succeeded creating a temporary emotional detachment from T?

And to do that I think I'll have to be sure that no emotions show up in session this month. I'll have to look for some professional psychology journals or something like that to discuss with her. I will use the month of October to gain pure knowledge about the stuff of the mind. I can bring in case studies and we can dissect them and form useful conclusions. I will use the next 4 sessions simply as book study and then we'll re-introduce lab work in December.

I think it's a great plan, don't you?

Help me learn how to turn those pesky emotions off quickly, please.

skysblue, I think you need some hugs. I don't know if you are serious, or half-serious, or being sarcastic. I don't think distancing is going to work, though I know you're going to try your hardest, aren't you? Like it or not, we have relationships with our Ts and you're probably going to miss her.

Oh, I'm serious. I know I have to find a way to get through November and this is the only way I can think of. The last time when she was gone 13 days, it was tough enough.

On the other hand, I am feeling stronger now so I probably won't have the same struggle but I still want to prepare myself.

Do you think your T might have suggestions on how to get through November? Maybe if you start working together on it now you'll be prepared when she goes on vacation. It seems like every time I try to intentionally disconnect from my T I just get pulled in harder... which would suck right before a vacation. Can I say suck here? Sorry. It would be unfortunate timing.

Well then, maybe I can join you. I saw my T today and I'm not sure if I'll be able to see her until the end of October.

Oh, we did that before and I know all the techniques so it's not worth revisiting in session. I would prefer to put it out of my mind and pretend I don't even know her and just forget about her those weeks. You know - out of sight, out of mind.

Shopping helps me

My condolences!!! One month! Good golly. Maybe you and she could come up with a project for the next month, just to keep things going while she is gone?

Think it would be better to discuss why those emotions are so strong & why you will have such a hard time. Emotions are not to be ignored....they are there to point out that something needs to be handled & understood better so they can be handled in a rational manor. What is behind those emotions from maybe your past is probably something serious enough to be a topic with your T.....even if you don't want your T to know how difficult it will be, just the concept of having problems when someone you feel close to is going to be away could be topic enough to be discussed along with learning some better skills of handling the emotions than ignoring that they exist.

I am quite sure that you can survive any emotional response you may have to T leaving.

I don't think you can emotionally constipate yourself and hold it in for an entire month. Sounds painful, and unnecessary.

Can you imagine feeling your emotions and being able to cope with them at the same time? I can, because you were just noting not too long ago that you are able to do this. Your emotions will not overtake your mind and your body and leave you just a puddle of ickity-goo. You will still have your mind and your body even if you feel really really really sad that your T is gone for an entire month.

Anne

No I've never suceeded. In the early yrs it was painful like you describe.

Oh, we've done this already and I'll put into play the techniques we worked out before. But I also don't even want to go where those emotions might live. You see, I'm not sure I'll have a strong reaction; I just want to prevent it from occurring.

Actually, that sounds good - 'emotional constipation' - much better than emotional diarrhea.

But, really, I think we can move closer or move further away. Why move closer when there's potential for pain? Don't you really believe that a temporary distancing could work? I'm mean, there'll be a real distancing for a month.

Living with your emotions turned off is a very painful way to live. Not only do you deny the emotions you are going through the first time but you get to relive them all at once later. That is the whole reason I am in therapy.

Yeah, you've got a point. Suppressing my emotions in the past caused a huge eruption later that caused a lot of grief and pain for a lot of people. But then I was totally unaware that I even had emotions.

This time I'm aware of the potential of unpleasant emotions and want to apply some kind of precise 'surgical' knife as a preventative measure. Cut out the 'cancer' before it becomes malignant.

no, for me drawing closer and pulling back is a continuous motion.

Skysblue... about this >> Help me learn how to turn those pesky emotions off quickly, please

maybe the idea is not to turn them off - I was doing that all the years I were not in therapy, and it sure wasn't paying ... maybe you could look at the month off as having some "quiet time" to look at those emotions, journal about them, process them? and bring the results back to T unedited? Not an easy plan I knowl... just wondering. this is for you

I guess I'm thinking that paying attention to them is adding fuel to the fire. Why create a giant bonfire when a small flame can be extinguished now? But you're right - I will use that month to pay close attention to what's going on with me. If I'm lucky, not too much.

Not really. I can only speak for my experience, but I've spent the last 8 months becoming aware of my unconscious emotional detachments and have only begun to access some emotions in session. I've also worked hard to help build the relationship with my therapist and she's begun to make me aware of how some of my actions and reactions can negatively affect relationships. And our relationship is built on honesty, imo.

To try and purposefully emotionally detach - I feel that would be a giant step backwards and a bit dishonest to our relationship. As hard as it would be to be away from my therapist for that amount of time, I'd much rather talk with her to find constructive ways to deal with missing her. I care about the woman. I'm allowed to missed her.

And you are allowed to miss your therapist, skysblue. I hope you'll find a constructive way to deal with this.

If you 'distance' yourself from T and sabotage your sessions until she goes away, won't it feel like she's away for longer? I know what it feels like to have T be gone for a month, I finally see her this week after she'll have been gone for 38 days! Now that my appointment is within reach I feel fine, but at the beginning it felt like it would never come around. It does! You will survive! I'm sure you will feel better about it if you conclude with a good session before she takes off. Just my 2 cents. Take care xx

I can understand you wanting to distance yourself from T, to avoid the overwhelming painful emotions that come up. It's something I'm struggling with right now, how I find a way to squash those feelings by "emotionally cutting" to avoid feeling those overwhelming emotions. I go through a pretty painful pattern to get to a place of numbness - which I SOOO prefer over the pain of desperation.

I know it works....but I doubt that it's good for me. Hope you figure out a healthier way to handle this....although I totally, totally understand. (((( HUGS ))))

Well, there's one other element in this approach I'm thinking of taking. Last week I was feeling very strong and clear and told T I thought I might be done with therapy. It was a surprise to me and to her that I could even bring up such a radical concept.

And now,I'm supposed to go in today and show how stupid I was last week. That's humiliating. I want to continue to show my strength and not give her any inkling that I'm worried I may revert to that pathetic weak needy person I was in July.

And I don't know if I will return to that needy state of mind; I am only feeling a slight twinge of neediness now -not full-blown. I want to keep my strong stance and if I don't give in to the feelings of weakness I can stay strong.

I want T to see me as strong, not weak and needy. At least for the next month. I'm willing to revert to neediness in December when she'll be there for me.

(((((((((( skysblue )))))))))))

I wish I sit by you so you could hear how gently I want to say this.... humiliation brings one down to reality, which is probably an important place to be if the T is going to be unavailable for a whole month. Try to be open with T in this - she willl probably surprise you . . .

Everyone's great - thank you. But I'm seeing i made a mistake even bringing this up. Now, my emotions are getting revved up where before they were the backdrop. Dang.

skysblue

Actually Sky you are doing the flip flop (my t calls me flipper). Flippin off the emotions and then flippin back on. Well caution you I must on this. The more you flip the harder it is to flop, if you know what I mean. This has been my experience. Everytime I flip and cut off all emotion for t I never get back to baseline and the middle equilibrium shifts closer to the flipped side. When you do eventually flop back you are just a tiny bit more distant than you were the previous flip. The cycle continues due to the intense emotion dysregulation and eventually whoops you flipped yourself right over the edge and you can't get back to where you were even if you wanted to. I don't want you to be a pancake....