Is it okay for a therapist to ask you if you 'touch yourself'?

I just started with a new therapist and I live in fear of her asking this question, because I had another therapist ask me, but he was a little strange, so I don't know if it's like appropriate? Or if this one is going to ask?

And I'm sometimes fine with those questions and other times I'd rather hide in a corner. Is this like a standard therapy question? I feel like I need to prepare myself. And what if it's really awkward? Like it was with my last therapist? I just sat there, dumbfounded.

I don't think it is okay if it got the reaction that it got from you. My last T told me, "you are sexually frustrated," and I felt the same way.....

Like I was not prepared for the discussion, and had not welcomed or benefited from it, and I said so.

Now, I am approaching my new Ts with a lot of anxiety that would NOT be there.....if this hadn't gone down.

I don't think there should be any *standard* therapy questions, but that's just me...I have a big issue with stuff in therapy seeming canned, or one-sized-fits-all, but others, of course, feel differently.

Intimacy issues, it seems to me, need to be approached with a lot of care...particularly if there is any history of trauma (which I made VERY clear early on). I can't speak for your situation, but in my case, I was creeped by my male T passing that kind of judgment on me. I mean, come on! Would I accept this now...no? but I felt vulnerable. I suppose he picked up on that.

(((I hope I'm not projecting too much here. Others may disagree of course, and I don't want to heighten your concern unnaturally. If your T experience is otherwise favorable, perhaps it just needs to be tweaked and you can flag it with your otherwise-good T. Go for it! )))

Otherwise....Go slow. Protect yourself. Listen to your own instincts when it comes to questions that begin with "IS IT OKAY?" If you're wondering, there's a good reason......

All my support goes out to you.....

that is completely inappropriate for a therapist to ask you your previous T over stepped the mark asking you such a question

I have never had a t ask about anything sexual without some context that made it not a completely bizarre question. If it just came out of left field, then it would seem quite odd indeed and I think I would ask what was going on. Particularly if they asked it like you wrote it which seems more voyeristic than therapeutic.

I guess it depends on the context. If you are having a discussion about libido, intimacy, sex, etc., it might be completely appropriate. But without a logical context, that would seem like a pretty invasive question.

I've never been asked that question, but we've certainly talked about some very intimate subjects. Uncomfortable as heck, but necessary for healing in my case.

There are times that it is an appropriate question. However, when the question comes up it should be within a context that makes sense to the client, not just a random assessment question. There are times that clients talk about being sexually frustrated, or feeling ashamed of their sexuality/desires. There are a few questions within our assessment interview that asks about any problems with sexuality. At times clients will talk about masturbation, and their feelings surrounding it, which make then flag the clinician who is assigned to follow up regarding such a topic.

I think the context of the question was

"Have you ever had a boyfriend?" (age 21)
"No"
"do you have issues with your sexuality"
"You mean am I lesbian?"
"Yea"
"No, I'm not"
"But you're not sexually active"?
"No"
"Do you know why?"
"No"
"Do you touch yourself?"
(gave him a face that could spell a thousand words).

I guess he was trying to get at what my libido was like? Or whether I was "normal" for my age. But I don't really know why it mattered? He was strange in that way, so I'm glad that was just a "strange" question of his and I won't have to deal with it again. Hopefully.

That sounds appropriate to me. Ive been asked in proper context. If you are talking about sex, i would say prepare to be asked.

'seems inappropriate, out of context

Well, I was working around issues of sexual abuse and sexuality and the topic of masturbation came up so my therapist asked me about it. I felt like it was within the context of what we were talking about. If I wasn't comfortable answering the question, she would have been okay if I told her I wasn't comfortable talking about it just yet.
If you are not comfortable, that is okay, you just may need to tell you T this.

Actually, I'd be offended by the "lesbian" question. I don't think that "issues with your sexuality" is an appropriate way to ask if someone has ever had a girlfriend. It makes lesbian or bi relationships/people sound like a "problem" rather than a non-heterosexual orientation.

But, specific to the question you asked, I can see how the question you raised makes sense. He was asking about whether you engage in any form of sexual activity, including with yourself. Or, said another way, he was wondering if you were avoiding all sexual expression, or just sexual relationships with people, or just intimate relationships without sex, etc.

Anne

That's kind of why I rephrased it for him. I mean he was scared to straight out ask me if I'm a lesbian, but he'll ask me if I touch myself? I've actually gotten that question a lot ,after doctors find out that I've never been in a relationship. "Do you have issues with your sexuality?" I don't know if they're asking like "Do I feel confident with it"? But I always rephrase it for them and they always answer "yea" and some of them get really awkward, like saying the word lesbian makes them choke to death.

Yea I think I definitely let him know I was not okay with it by my facial expressions. How come therapists can ask us if we touch ourselves, but we can't even ask them where they live?

I would have found that question too invasive. Especially, if i hadnt established trust with that therapist yet. Sorry you were asked
that. I would have felt violated all over again

Absolutely, but I think I would have been more at ease if he had of used the correct terminology ie masterbate.
Too say "touch yourself" is quite perverted IMO

Not to mention male-centric - more than one way to skin the cat...

the questions he asked, if he asked them the way you wrote them (not sure if you abbreviated for our sake) sound to me like an interrogation on a really intimate topic, not a conversation.

I think they SOUND like an interrogation because nothing developed into a discussion. The T tried a line of questioning, and the client was not open to discussing any of it. These ARE things that people come to therapy to discuss; if the T refused to, then I think we have a problem. If the client is not ready to, okay. If the client has issues but never wants to discuss them, that is the client's choice, of course, but the T does not want to be complicit, a party to her denial; wouldn't be a very good T if he did, if he saw issues with something usually considered essential to one's happiness - Freud said work and love - and didn't bring it up. A person can't know what your preferences are for talking about things - if a person sees a person of another gender for medical care BY CHOICE, I would assume they would be okay with discussing things. Because we have a choice, don't we? There are plenty of medical personnel of many genders available.

Everything was the same, but the actual sentence was "do you play with yourself"? I thought that was too graphic for a title... and yet in the same realm, but he never actually said the word "masturbation". We danced around a lot of things, and it was funny, because I'm a really blunt person and I actually had to censor myself a lot, because I felt like he was innocent. , but that question was just out of this world... came in from left field and hit me in the side of the forehead. LOL

But I'm not with him anymore...

theres no trigger button option for the post a quick reply box.. my post deals with talk about sex can a moderator please place a trigger button on my post so those reading will know my post can trigger.

yes therapists do sometimes ask about sex and sex oriented questions.

its not a standard in being "every" therapist asks these question and neither is the topic of sex.

this question and many other sexually oriented questions are asked most times when therapists work with survivors of sexual abuse, clients who have voiced that they have relationship problems, or when clients ask for information, and sometimes when therapists see's their client is avoiding the topic of sex.

asking the client if they masturbate is a way to start the sex talk and conversation because it gives therapists an idea of where that client is in relation to experiencing sex, do the clients know what pleases them can we jump right in to talking about sex or do we need to begin with the basics of whats sex, whats abuse, whats a good relationship like, whats a good sex life like..

a therapist cant read the clients mind and doesnt know what the client knows about sex and what their sexual experience is if they dont ask. so they ask the most basic sex question there is first.. do you know this is sex and have you done it.

i personally dont think your therapist should ask you using the words "touch yourself." that feels icky and gross!

in my field, i need to talk to my clients about sex and sexuality pretty frequently, and i have never ever asked anyone if they "touch themselves" and i can absolutely understand why that would sketch you out!

sex and sexuality are, however, a big part of being a human being and may need to come up during the course of therapy. so, the topic is okay, but phrasing is key!

I think it is totally inappropriate for a male therapist to discuss sexual issues with a female client. It opens the door to all kinds of vulnerability and transference. I personally believe that women should only see a female therapist. Just my opinion...

When I was asked, by my male therapist, my level of uncomfortableness was chalked up to this new male therapist asking me personal questions. The way he asked me was, "are you comfortable touching yourself" Then followed by "do you fantasize...". I have totally assumed that my level of "feeling uncomfortable" was related to my personal issues. Maybe I was wrong?? Does this sound inappropriate?

I think that's a very appropriate way to ask the question. However, the context is really key, for me. If I had raised the issue of sexuality or body image or something similar, I could see my male T asking these questions. Although he has never asked me more than one question about anything, I think, before I'm off and running. I've never answered an inventory of questions about anything (like a list of standard questions) like you do at the doctor's office at the beginning of therapy by any of my therapists. If I got asked a slew of questions in the beginning of therapy about anything, I'd think twice before going back. I don't need to be inventoried about anything. If I got asked a bunch of questions about sex in the beginning of therapy outside of me raising the issue, I'd think the T is trolling for sexually vulnerable clients. Probably unfair assumption, but that would make me suspicious, and definitely uncomfortable. I would hope I would ask why he was asking these questions, and the way he answered this question might determine for me what's really going on. I would hope I would also say I was uncomfortable, and I would expect him to react in a reassuring and empathic way. If he didn't, I'd hightail it outta there.

Anne

I'm curious as to why you can't state this from the place of what you feel is right for you, rather than what's right for all women. I'd have no issue with "your opinion" if you said "I would only see a female therapist." You certainly aren't in any position to opine about what's best for me or any other woman. And as for the role of transference and vulnerability in psychotherapy, these issues being raised are not a problem as long as you have a skilled and ethical therapist. Trying to structure therapy to avoid these issues doesn't make sense, because these issues arise routinely around issues that aren't about sexuality. There is no need for artificial rules about gender that ultimately don't protect clients either-- because female T's have hit on female clients, male T's have hit on male clients, female T's have hit on male clients, etc, and none of this may have anything to do with sexual orientation. If boundary crossings do happen more often with male T's and female clients, it's because of the fact that there are more male T's with female clients than any other gender configuration in therapy.

I just don't believe there is anything inherently wrong with a female client having a male T. In my own life, I've had two fabulous male T's, and one fabulous female T. From the male T's, having a positive relationship with them has helped me see men as individual people, not just abusers and as the violent perpetrators of the world. They have also helped me move closer to the important men in my life, my husband and son. For me, connection with women has always been easy, natural. With men, it can be awkward and strained and hollow. It's been a good thing to do the extra work to connect to a man that's not part of my world.

Anne