[WhoAmIchild]

i started seeing my t 3 years ago. i am very connected to her, which is a miracle. i dont trust easy. and i only went to counselling cause i had to.
i didnt begin seeing her for sexual abuse issues. but they have started coming up recently. she mentioned one time she couldnt read any books that even mentioned sexual abuse and said some other things recently that made me ask her today if it was hard for her to listen to me talk about a memory. (ive only told her 2 but wanted to discuss one with her next appt.) she said yes, it was one of her limitations, that she didnt know how to do it. i feel awful. here ive been telling her these memories and its hard for her and she never said anything. so i dont know what to do. i need to talk about it, but i cant with her. she didnt say i cant, but i dont want to cause her pain. i dont know what to do. ideas? and y is that hard for her? did something happen to her???

[SoupDragon]

Wow - that does sound like a hard situation to be in. I have similar trust issues and have been seeing my T for 18+ months. I was worried about sharing things and T said that it wasn't for me to be worried about him, he has close supervision and therefore has support to deal with any issues that may be triggered for him.

I know it can be so hard to build up to a level of trust, but I know for me if I felt that some things were out of bounds for T to hear because the potential for them to trigger him, that it would be really hard to continue with him as my therapist. Firstly I would question his robustness and second how can therapy continue if you can only tell half of your story and thirdly this should be totally about you and you should not be given cause to be concerned about your T.

Yes it may be the case that something happened to her - I am aware that some people become T's because they have worked through stuff themselves, however for them to then go on to work with clients themselves they need to be able to hear what is said and in my opinion if they can't and this may be detrimental to continuing work with clients, then they should make that known and maybe suggest another T who would be able to deal with this work.

It should not be your role to protect your T, your T should protect themself - famous last words as I am a real coward when I am with T - but I think you should have an open conversation with T and explain your concerns and your need to have a T who can work through this stuff with you.

Good luck

Soup

Sounds like T needs at least consultation or, something. If you have been seeing her for 3 years, that means she has been a T for at LEAST that long. Even with a personal history, how has she managed thus far with clients who have abusive histories?

Client's should not need to worry about their T's 'stuff'. That's what supervision, consultation, training, and their own therapy is for... So while it may cause her heart ache to hear it (due to: triggers, or genuine empathy for what you're going through) the reason you are in therapy is to work out underlying issues.

I wonder about having an open discussion about your concerns for triggering her, and what can be done so that you can continue to do the work you need to do. If she is not able to take you through the 'rest of the journey' she should be able to find someone who can.

I really sympathize with you. I spent 2 years in a therapy relationship with someone who was unable to deal with my specific issues due to her own personal issues. I accomplished little with her in therapy. I was really attached to her and didn't have the courage to end our relationship. I needed to work on those really hard things and now with a different therapist I am able, but I lost several years time (and lots of money).

Honestly, your therapist shouldn't have said this to you without consulting with someone or having a plan as it's not your responsibility to take care of/worry about her at all--this is really unprofessional. My therapist did this to me numerous times and it tore me up and I thought I could handle hearing this, but it set me backwards and created so much guilt. I'd strongly recommend asking for a referral. I wouldn't ask her to share personal details because it's not your place to know this information or feel like you need to process it. If she hasn't worked through her own issues (which perhaps just came up?), it's unethical for her to continue to work with patients who want to talk about sexual abuse and it honestly needs to be a disclaimer up front.

Believe me, I know that it's hard to change therapists (I've had to do it far too often and will have to do it again next August and am already dreading it). But you can't control your issues and what's coming up for you and you shouldn't have to filter what you're saying in therapy. You deserve to work with someone who can talk to you about what you really need help with. As close and connected we become to our therapists (and I genuinely have loved my last 4 therapists), it still is a professional relationship. Your therapist is unable to fulfill this for you, so it would be best for you in the long run to find another therapist, as hard as this is to hear. I wish someone would have told me this. I lost a couple of years of my life feeling guilt and not working on issues that were crippling my ability to function.

I wish you the best of luck in this very difficult situation you shouldn't have been put in. The sooner you can address this and start to make the change, the sooner your healing will begin. You deserve someone who will be able to help you deal with these very difficult issues without making them more complicated.

[WhoAmIchild]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Wow - that does sound like a hard situation to be in. I have similar trust issues and have been seeing my T for 18+ months. I was worried about sharing things and T said that it wasn't for me to be worried about him, he has close supervision and therefore has support to deal with any issues that may be triggered for him.

I know it can be so hard to build up to a level of trust, but I know for me if I felt that some things were out of bounds for T to hear because the potential for them to trigger him, that it would be really hard to continue with him as my therapist. Firstly I would question his robustness and second how can therapy continue if you can only tell half of your story and thirdly this should be totally about you and you should not be given cause to be concerned about your T.

Yes it may be the case that something happened to her - I am aware that some people become T's because they have worked through stuff themselves, however for them to then go on to work with clients themselves they need to be able to hear what is said and in my opinion if they can't and this may be detrimental to continuing work with clients, then they should make that known and maybe suggest another T who would be able to deal with this work.

It should not be your role to protect your T, your T should protect themself - famous last words as I am a real coward when I am with T - but I think you should have an open conversation with T and explain your concerns and your need to have a T who can work through this stuff with you.

Good luck

Soup

thanks so much for the feedback.

[WhoAmIchild]

thanks to all who responded. see, i didnt go to see her for abuse issues. i went for addiction problems. getting off the addiction apparently caused the abuse issues to surface for me. so they just started coming up. now i find out that she doesnt see sexual abuse clients. i didnt know that in the beginning. shes been working with me all this time, and ive been calling her when i have trouble with memories or panic attacks. she never once said she wouldnt see me. and she never said i couldnt share this stuff with her, but once i asked her about it, she was honest and said it was one of her limitations. i bet she would have not said anything if i didnt ask. and i feel bad. i feel glad that she stuck with me - she knew that the one time i saw a counselor she told me she couldnt see me anymore because she didnt deal with the issues i was having - they were out of her leauge, and it devestated me. so i belive she was trying not to hurt me. but i feel i dont want to cause her pain. sigh. i dont want to see someone else. i dont know if i can go through that again. maybe i can work around it and just deal with stuff and not tell her the memories? i see her tomorrow. i know i wont sleep much tonight. i hate this. thanks again.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by WhoAmIchild

thanks to all who responded. see, i didnt go to see her for abuse issues. i went for addiction problems. getting off the addiction apparently caused the abuse issues to surface for me. so they just started coming up. now i find out that she doesnt see sexual abuse clients. i didnt know that in the beginning. shes been working with me all this time, and ive been calling her when i have trouble with memories or panic attacks. she never once said she wouldnt see me. and she never said i couldnt share this stuff with her, but once i asked her about it, she was honest and said it was one of her limitations. i bet she would have not said anything if i didnt ask. and i feel bad. i feel glad that she stuck with me - she knew that the one time i saw a counselor she told me she couldnt see me anymore because she didnt deal with the issues i was having - they were out of her leauge, and it devestated me. so i belive she was trying not to hurt me. but i feel i dont want to cause her pain. sigh. i dont want to see someone else. i dont know if i can go through that again. maybe i can work around it and just deal with stuff and not tell her the memories? i see her tomorrow. i know i wont sleep much tonight. i hate this. thanks again.

It sounds like you and T have worked through alot of things and I get the point that SA wasn't the reason you saw her and it has only become an issue later. Sounds like your T has helped you alot with these other issues and so I can appreciate you not wanting to hurt her and not wanting to see someone else - maybe you and yor T have a good enough relationship to discuss this and if you are not ready to work with another T now, maybe it is something you can work with your current T with so the possibility is there for the future.

I really fight the feelings of dependency on my T - like you the thought of going through things with someone else is really daunting. However I tell myself when I am ready, I am going to seek out another T, both to prove I am not dependent and can indeed survive without my current wonderful T, but also to challenge that bit of me that does not want to talk about these things with someone else. I think if I can achieve that it will be a real measure of how far I have come - definitely not ready to do it yet though. Thinking if you, hope you did get some sleep - Soup

[WePow]

(((((WhoAmIChild))))))

Your situation sounds very honest on both the part of you and your T. I understand how things can come up that T may not be able to work on. Even my T at first told me he was not a DID therapist. He also did not work with female sx issues. He is a male T who works with men's issues in that area. But he does work with abuse history clients and PTSD. So he tried a few times to tell me he thought it may be better if I had a T who specialized in my issues.

But I wanted to have HIM as my T. And I told him so. I thought he could do it and he agreed to keep working with me. And I am VERY glad he agreed to do that for me. But I can still tell if I "bump against" his personal limitations in session. I see his face change a bit and he closes down his energy a little. All without saying a word to me. Thankfully it is only about the female sx issue though. With the DID issue, he has went out of his way to really learn how to help me out. And I would not be here today without what he has been able to do to help me heal in that area.

I hope this helps you a little at least.

[skysblue]

Have an honest talk with your T. Tell her that you feel you need to protect her and how you are now unable to talk about these serious issues. She never ever should have told you it was hard for her. Maybe though if you discuss this fully she can reassure you that although it is hard, she will be able to offer you help and guidance.

[WhoAmIchild]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

It sounds like you and T have worked through alot of things and I get the point that SA wasn't the reason you saw her and it has only become an issue later. Sounds like your T has helped you alot with these other issues and so I can appreciate you not wanting to hurt her and not wanting to see someone else - maybe you and yor T have a good enough relationship to discuss this and if you are not ready to work with another T now, maybe it is something you can work with your current T with so the possibility is there for the future.

I really fight the feelings of dependency on my T - like you the thought of going through things with someone else is really daunting. However I tell myself when I am ready, I am going to seek out another T, both to prove I am not dependent and can indeed survive without my current wonderful T, but also to challenge that bit of me that does not want to talk about these things with someone else. I think if I can achieve that it will be a real measure of how far I have come - definitely not ready to do it yet though. Thinking if you, hope you did get some sleep - Soup

thanks sooo much for taking the time to give me some feedback. i really appreciate it. ive been so busy and not been able to be on here much, but its funny, this is the first place i thought of to go when that happened last night. on my way to my appt now. its sad..i feel like i lost something and i really havent, but i feel like i did. thanks again

[WhoAmIchild]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Have an honest talk with your T. Tell her that you feel you need to protect her and how you are now unable to talk about these serious issues. She never ever should have told you it was hard for her. Maybe though if you discuss this fully she can reassure you that although it is hard, she will be able to offer you help and guidance.

she only told me it was hard for her caused i asked her right out if it was...i called her last night and told her i was having trouble processing a memory, and that i wanted to talk to her about it at session tomorrow but that i needed to ask her first if it was hard for her to listen to someone talk about a memory. (she had mentioned she didnt read books that even mentioned SA, and i thought hmmm) and i told her, if it is, you can tell me. she knows i need her to be honest with me, so she said yes it was one of her limitations, and she didnt know how to do it. so, it wasnt her fault. i asked. will see her today. she has been counseling for 30 years. but i just found out she doesnt see SA clients. i guess too i was a little upset, because after she told me that last night, i told her ok, i just needed to ask you that before i see you tomorrow, and she let the conversation end without asking me anything else. i know she was probably busy, but i felt like i had been hit with a ton of bricks and she didnt even notice it upset me. i feel bad for even feeling this way. on my way to see her. thanks for your comments.

I have to really commend your T for being straight with you about this. I might would consider finding a T with more experience dealing with SA issues, but I know just the idea of finding a new T is daunting.