[beauflow]

blah- i feel very misunderstood and alone- i don't think people get me truly- i really don't... maybe it is me and how I try best to explain, people get confused... I can tend to be too detailed and over explain (sorry)

I take too much personal I know but how not to with some things, get told I am delusional with those thoughts- whatever, some things still stand

I just feel alone today or at least right now. and I never know what to do to really "construct a plan to make it go away"

Had a pretty good therapy session, and I'm feeling a little more upbeat. I feel reassured somehow. It was a relief that things didn't go horribly downhill like my pessimistic brain had catastrophised.

T said today she wishes we could have started working together sooner - before I crashed and burned, basically. She thinks she could have helped me to cope at work, helped me to cope with the anxiety and the feeling I was losing control... personally, I think working there was beyond coping with, but yeah, I could sure have done with her help. Thing is, I didn't even know that therapy was an option - it wasn't really: money was beyond tight, my dad wasn't even talking to me let alone offering to help pay for therapy, and my mum? Pfft. Since when did mum ever know what I needed? It would have been interesting for T to have known me back then, for sure, to witness how I was functioning - or not, as the case became. I think it's hard for her to imagine, maybe? It's like she has this massive game of catch-up to play with me. It's all 'shoulda woulda coulda' though, and the thing is, if anyone had asked me, BEFORE things REALLY went to hell, if I needed a therapist? I would probably have said 'no', you know, because I was 'handling it.' Or, gee, maybe I would have ended up going seeing some hack who wouldn't have helped me at all. What is it they say, 'when the student is ready, the master appears'? I have to believe that is true.

I need to figure out how to move forward from here, but first I need to feel capable of it. Not sure how that will come to me.

Another week until my next dose of enlightenment/enlightening...

I am now looking forward to watching Breaking Dawn tomorrow. Oh yes I am. I'm allowed to crush on RPatz, right?

Hope everyone is in for a good weekend

[kaliope]

I was so anxious about going to see pdoc this morning but my appt actually went great. I had two missions- talk to him about how he triggered me last session and also tell him we could no longer do therapy for my anxiety cause it interfered with T. Both topics really scared me so much my blood pressure was totally jacked up. So I had difficulty starting with the first one, cried all the way through it but i got it out and he apologized for being insensitive to me and careless with his words. He then told me that this would be our last visit as he would no longer be working at the clinic. While normally this would freak me out because once again I have to start over with a new pdoc, I felt a flood of relief because this meant I didnt have to talk to him at all about the second thing I needed to tell him. We discussed me getting off haldol and my willingness to do so. He doesnt like me on it because its an antipsychotic and he says i am not psychotic, yes i experience psychosis at times, but not truly psychotic, so why am i being treated with an antipsychotic. he thinks i am doing great and have shown real progress in the time he has seen me. he admits he has been really hard on me and apologized for that. he wanted to see how far he could push me and says that i did very well. he asked how i felt about terminating with him and i cried. i feel i could get better with him becuase he challenged me but he also pissed me off a lot. but it doesnt matter now. once again, new pdoc next time i go.

spent the rest of the day freezing givng out hundreds of thanksgiving baskets. i wonder what i will do that day. maybe someone will invite me over.

hugs to all.

Trying to be productive/do something constructive! After some reflection, I figured I've not been eating well, so I've been shopping and bought some fruit & veg, different things to try and introduce some variety and nutrional quality back into my diet. I've not got a lot of money, but I'm doing some research on some books I might find useful, browsing online stores to try and get some informative reading material to broaden my mind and maybe my coping resources, haha ... I just want to feel like I'm doing something, so I feel like I'm at least trying, you know?

Trying to be kind to myself - applying all sorts of skincare, taking care with my makeup, wearing my favourite jewellery to make me feel a little more glam... trying to buck myself up.

Out with friends for the cinema later.

[FourRedheads]

Just_some_girl, I'm happy to read your above post. I hope you had fun with your friends.

I am also trying to be kind to myself. It feels strange to me. I'm so out of touch with my physical body. I got some new clothes and I'm wearing a little bit of makeup. Also taking care of my face. I'm even wearing earrings! Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to do these things but I know that's the depression talking.

[kaliope]

Just som girl - that was a good post. glad to see you are taking care of yourself. it just may be the boost i need to get myself out of the house today.

i really dont take care of myself. i eat terribly. i get up in the morning fifteen minutes before i have to leave for work. drive thru the coffee shop. get home from work and pour myself a large glass of ice tea and then get to starving about nine thirty at night and eat a sandwich or something. i dont cook for myself. i have ate a small bowl of little smokies sausages three times in the last week. i know my body is in starvation mode as i havent lost any weight. i really have to start eating when i get home from work.

i figured i would go to the store and buy healthy soups because they are easy to fix. I scored a big bag of ham chunks from our food bank and want to make a pot of split pea and ham soup to freeze in small portions so I have that to eat. i made a meatloaf last week and froze that in individual portion sizes too. its just having the motivation to microwave. i am so bad.

i think i will treat myself to a pedicure as well. my feet are in bad shape. its been a month and a half since the last one.

hope everybody has a sunshiny day.

[nicoleb2]

Today has been a really hard day, and it's not even over yet.

I went to the hospital to see my grandma, and she is really a shell of who she used to be (I had been putting off seeing her, for a lot of reasons, all of them selfish). She is so scared this time. She's never appeared this scared to me. It's very worrisome.

I managed to cut my lamictal down by 1/2 yesterday, and I haven't taken it or my viibryd today. Hoping to be able to go off of them soon and see if I can sleep, since I haven't been able to talk to my pdoc in over a month, even though i have left him numerous messages.

It snowed here today. Made it crazy on the roads. I am thankful that I was not driving and I am terrified of driving anymore. (Because of the accident i was in last month)

I just want to go to bed and stay there

[Lauru]

Today has been a great day. I am going to start my new job on Monday, so these last 2 weeks at my old job, hold no more power over me. I feel release.

Today was a good day. I am grateful for that after coming through some terribly dark days this week. I wish that I was not on this 'seesaw' of emotions. Maybe I am in menapause and don't know it?

[PleaseHelp]

Things haven't been the greatest. My SO is currently in the hospital. Its been a long couple of days. I am trying to stay upbeat for the girls, but I'm exhausted. I just want to sleep. I also feel like I might be dissociating a bit. But I'm not sure. I've been feeling like I'm watching everything happen, like its not me that's doing the things. I need to help my SO with his homework, since its his right hand that is injured. Really hoping I can get some sleep tonight.

Not had a great day. Got woken up earlier than I'd have liked, and I felt groggy as a result. Went down the farm feeling pretty sick with anxiety, which I tried my best to just ignore (no one there I'd feel comfortable confiding in so I have to act 'normal') while I felt like my stomach was twisting in knots. Started to feel better when I got out on my horse, but then unfortunately she began to go lame. Had to dismount and lead her home. Not sure what's wrong, I don't think it's too serious... got some of the more experienced horseowners on the yard to have a look, and it's probably just a splint or something, but I'm still worried. Will call the vet if she's any worse in the morning. Don't like to think of any harm coming to my baby, she means the world to me!

On the bright side, I ordered a couple books last night - my T got back to me about a book she'd seen I might find useful (about coping with difficult people), and there was another book about depression and recovery that I thought might be good to read - so hopefully they should be here this week sometime. Maybe I'll learn something, eh?

Trying to figure out what I could do tomorrow that would be positive... I feel like I should make an effort to do something each day - give me a reason to get up out of bed in the daytime, and something that I can be proud that I achieved that day when I go back to bed at night... Hmm.

[kaliope]

I was woke up before I was ready as well. My daughter texting me and sister calling. Really irritated me. At least my daughter's texts had cute pics of the grandbaby. Couldnt stay irked for too long.

Bought a crock pot last night and making a batch of split pea and ham soup. It is starting to smell up the house now. Got freezer containers to put it in so I can have several meals out of it.

I am worried about a PC friend that hasnt responded to a PM since Thurs. I know she goes on everyday. Her stats do not say the last time she was on. She is always quick to respond. She was feeling sui and having problems with meds last time I talked with her. Dont like this feeling of powerlessness of not knowing if she is OK.

Hope everybody can find at least one bright spot in their day!

[nicoleb2]

Cruddy day today. I just want to go to sleep and stay there. I have had enough and I just want to hide for a while.

My friends is worried about me, and I don't want her to be. My T is going to be upset with me when I see her tomorrow... What is the point of getting out of bed?

[Indie'sOK]

Last night I had a dream that my parents were stopping my therapy without my permission, and I only had six sessions left with my T. Considering this dream still sticks in my mind and is very upsetting, I must not really want to leave just yet.

I'm struggling with the motivation to get better in the first place. I HATE my anxiety and depression and self-esteem issues, but I don't want to leave the loving comfort of my T.

[kaliope]

I have appt with T tomorrow. I planned on telling him about my imaginary world, which has recently resurfaced, which i posted about in another thread, which i am ashamed of, but everybody offered encouragement. I typed it up, just the tip of the iceberg, a brief overview, to make it easier to reveal to T, but in my imaginary world, I have mental health professionals who are very kind and supportive and affectionate, giving me hugs. Thats a big part of my imaginary world, affectionate people, something I do not have in real life. So I am afraid to present this to T. I do not get affection from T. The idea kinda creeps me out. I dont want him to think I want affection from him. I am kind of confused as to what my goal is of revealing my imaginary world to him in the first place. The fact that it has been a secret that i have revealed to no one for 34 years, the subject matter, I thought it would be good fodder for therapy. Reveal a lot about what I think, about a need in me. I dont know. I am confused. Maybe just scared because it has been a secret for so long. I am just wondering why it has come back when it has been gone for over a year and a half.

hugs to all

[nicoleb2]

Saw my T today. Really hard session. Working so hard to get through some stuff.

Had DBT as well. Talked to one of the group leaders afterward because it was all really triggering today, and I was having bad SI urges. Gave her one of my tools I use for SI, that was really hard for me

I woke up to the sound of rain beating against my window. I love that sound. Even though it means no recess, that's okay. Rain is a good thing. I need days like this to rest. Time to think and slow down.

[beauflow]

I am beginning to calm down and not have such harsh "play outs in my mind" with this meeting that will be in about an hour and a half..... I just hate to stay for something that does not involve me, I hate to to be yelled at when really what am i actually doing wrong besides it is not your way! --- My supervisor is like that- if we are not doing it her way it is wrong, even though it works for us, we get the same product and we have been a team with doing it.... it is like she did not think of it so it is wrong... it pisses me off i must say and I am sorry... but I found this link

http://www.marcandangel.com/2010/11/...-simple-again/

some of it made me smile- so i thought I would share.

[PleaseHelp]

Got to bring my SO home from the hospital last night. Finally got some sleep. He said some things that melted my heart last night. I love him so much. I'm glad that he's home for a number of reasons. I get to see my T today! I really need to talk to her and get all of this out. I'm also glad that its a short week.

Hope everyone is doing well. everyone

[beauflow]

I am so tired of my job... My supervisor says-- work harder and you will get raises.. F- you, why the same old line, this line has been used on me for 4 years, no raise.. and not only that, they put us on furloughs this year-- F you- I know she said at the first of the year lets shape up cuz of the furloughs, but damn- I already do more than 1 weekday guy, which that one weekday guy- he even does more than the weekend crew put together.. I do about the same amount of the lead... f you- it really upsets me, i know the 3 in the meeting saw my rage, i was shaking physically and started to shake my head no.. I could not help my facial expressions..

I get told- Don't be agitated, don't be upset, stop thinking about it- HOW CAN I NOT BE

WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE UPSET i dont get it--- is it cuz you are scared when i am upset? Yes I felt like I could beat someone up I am sorry i have some anger issues, but I dont beat anyone up, Yes I felt like cutting myself felt like dying.. felt like giving up but I don't.

I just dont get this tackful lie. it hurts me cuz I continue to work hard, yet get no reward for it. I don't believe you all.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Not had a great day. Got woken up earlier than I'd have liked, and I felt groggy as a result. Went down the farm feeling pretty sick with anxiety, which I tried my best to just ignore (no one there I'd feel comfortable confiding in so I have to act 'normal') while I felt like my stomach was twisting in knots. Started to feel better when I got out on my horse, but then unfortunately she began to go lame. Had to dismount and lead her home. Not sure what's wrong, I don't think it's too serious... got some of the more experienced horseowners on the yard to have a look, and it's probably just a splint or something, but I'm still worried. Will call the vet if she's any worse in the morning. Don't like to think of any harm coming to my baby, she means the world to me!

On the bright side, I ordered a couple books last night - my T got back to me about a book she'd seen I might find useful (about coping with difficult people), and there was another book about depression and recovery that I thought might be good to read - so hopefully they should be here this week sometime. Maybe I'll learn something, eh?

Trying to figure out what I could do tomorrow that would be positive... I feel like I should make an effort to do something each day - give me a reason to get up out of bed in the daytime, and something that I can be proud that I achieved that day when I go back to bed at night... Hmm.

I read that it was pretty good.

[nicoleb2]

So far I'm having an Ok day. Took valium for sleep for the first time last night. Really tired today though. My daughter's pdoc told me to watch it because valium can really affect REM sleep... now I am worried....
Lots of anxiety today too for some reason

Ughh! I didn't sleep last night, got obsessed googling information on the net and lost track of time. Fell asleep this dinnertime, but kept being woken up by people texting me. I just felt like 'goooo awaaaayyy' -- when really I should be grateful than people care to contact me at all! Just about dragged my behind out of bed to go up to the farm and mum's house for tea. No plans for tomorrow or Thursday, just want to get them over with as best I can. I feel like I'm struggling to just get through the days at the moment, struggling to find reasons to get out of bed. Hoping this med change will become a positive thing and make this adjustment worthwhile. Looking forward to seeing T on Friday, it feels good to talk... and I'm looking forward to the drive! Planning a playlist and everything

[karebear1]

I am totally wired today. I haven't slept in almost 48 hours! I think maybe I took too much of one medication. That's a first.... and I'm not enjoying it much.

My sister passed away at the end of August and I keep seeing her laying there in that casket. It just keeps going around and around in my head.

No more of that new medication for me.

i cant handle anymore. past my breaking point. i need my T to come home