[nicoleb2]

Today has been a really hard day. My disability is up for review, I am waiting and hoping and praying about the results of that.

Now, I found out that my medical assistance will be done as of Dec 31st. This means that I will not be able to afford my meds (even with the insurance I will still have).

Texted my t and talked to her for a bit, so she knows I am panicking

On a happy note, we went out and got my kids a guinea pig for christmas (a bit early because they were on sale and so were the cages and stuff)

[pachyderm]

((((Kacey2))))

Do you have to spend the holidays with your family? They sound toxic.

[beauflow]

i am cooking my own bird even thou for some reason Boyfriend's mom was like "why would you do such a thing?" well cuz - 1) we need meat for up coming days and this turkey was cheap. 2) why not- ? 3) it is not saying anything about you I just want to- why have the shocked look on your face- 4) you don't want anything of mine for your holidays so I will just make my own :P i feel odd today though

I keep remembering about the stupid title swap- his mom lied and his sister told me the truth about it all- I never brought it up cuz well I don't understand why she lied about her worrying he would lose it- and I don't want to bring it up to have a little miff.. My boyfriend already seems miffed, he does not want to go back down_ I have to wonder if he saw (we did not talk about it) but what I did with his mom and sister earlier this week with some minor things...... IDK if he did or he just does not want to "simi" baby sit cuz they let the kids run around and like everyone there has to baby sit cuz no one wants to watch them really--- IDK if that is normal

And update- idk i've cooked all this stuff and my lovely is still sleeping. :-| idk why i timed everythin to be done around he'd be up Blah

[cin1]

i have been angry ever since i woke up today. i went to the store, and felt better. but h is in his own world. and i will not go there, as i haven't been asked , plus i don't want to. I HATE ALCOHOL.

[Nelliecat]

Still feeling poorly and despite intending to have a quiet day at home, feel worn out. My 6 year old is ill, my 9 year old makes a mess wherever she goes and my 11 year old had loads of homework to do. Am looking forward to getting into my bed tonight!

Woke up quite early today, but haven't done much. Went to have tea with my mum, who AGAIN told me how I look "so much better, just like your old self" -- Mother, are you being SERIOUS? Talk about only seeing what you're willing to see, and only hearing what you want to hear. Whatever. I'ma just smile and nod, 'cause yeah, everything is just fine now. Clearly.

[kaliope]

Did a few hours of volunteer work collecting toys today. Froze my ***** off. So after we packed up I went in the store and treated myself to some snuggly pajamas and came home and took a hot shower and put them on. Tomorrow I am majorly bundling up and bringing a blankey.

My sis is nagging me to buy her a hundred dollar gift for bday/christmas. I never get her anything for either. But she is always so giving to me. Bought me expensive curtains for my house when i moved in, lots of clothes (bipolar shopaholic), when my son lived there and helped her out with my parents she always made sure he had what he needed/wanted. Bought him a suit, video games, paid to have his wisdom teeth pulled, shoes, clothes. She had to file for bankruptcy so she doesnt have the money to get the thing she wants for herself. Im kind of feeling like its not asking to much to get it for her. I mean Ive gambled more than that away in one sitting.

Hope everybody is doing as well as they can be. Hugs.

[PleaseHelp]

I really think I'm beginning to dissociate. I don't know for sure, I haven't done it that often. I so don't feel like myself. For the first time in a VERY long time (almost 10 yrs) I wanted to si. (I didn't. I reached out to my SO) I feel at such a loss. I don't feel like me. Its like I'm just going through these motions not sure why. I did tell my SO and he's been supportive. Looking after me and such. I took my prn clonopin but it doesn't seem to be helping. Maybe its a good thing I see T this week. I feel so completely out of it. I can very faintly hear my "logical" brain telling me that the negative, overwhelming thoughts are not real and that this is just my BPD flaring. But that part is pretty dang faint. I've lost over 10 pounds in a week. I feel so disconnected.

[Elli-Beth]

I am back in hiding. I hate this. I know it's safe but it takes me away from work, the only place I feel "normal" and it takes me away from my dogs. There are supportive people here but it's still lonely because they're busy, so I try to stay busy by practicing violin and helping out with chores. I feel like I'm just killing time waiting for T. I couldn't even go to work if I could because my words are hiding, too. I hate this.

It is raining and I love it! Nothing like a fresh rain to clean things up. Not only in nature, but within ourselves. Enjoyed watching Christmas movies with my granddaughter and husband. Things are nice around here for a change. I like that.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

((((Kacey2))))

Do you have to spend the holidays with your family? They sound toxic.

Thanks Pachy. Yes I do probably have to stop getting together with them. I always hope that it is going to be better this time....I guess I am a slow learner. It's just that I really don't want to be ALONE for the holidays either.

[nicoleb2]

Feeling panicky again. I feel like I can't breathe. I need to do something to stop it before I end up with a full blown panic attack! The only thing that normally helps is to SI, but i am trying so hard not to

I'm so sad and I don't feel like I can tell anyone

I've had a bad day. Just so disconnected from everyone and everything today, even my horse. I feel like a ghost, just drifting around, 'haunting' people. I've felt nauseous with anxiety since I woke up, but I tried to push the feeling down. Finally, while outside filling haynets and water buckets, it got so bad I started dry heaving. I felt so awful I started crying, like really crying. I haven't really cried in weeks, months... I'm too medicated to cry like that. I'm losing hope, I just don't know what to do anymore.

[beauflow]

Why do i allow others to dictate what i want to do i'm rather upset about that right now. I'll do what i wanted to do today eventually. It was really important cuz i'm going more insane with not being able to find anything i just didn't feel i should have to do it all by myself cuz it's not all my stuff. Guess i should get it in my head what's mine is yours and what's your's is mine so i just have to organize it all. 3 years i've been waiting to get help with this in some ways. I understand good intentions That's why i love him and more but it's agitating to get this brushed off. He'll probably surprise me today thou. He usually does and i find it's all in my head.

Idk what's been up with me. Again last night i felt like ****, i felt not good enough. I cooked our dinner half the day and he didn't eat any of it. Then i asked a stupid question which he said idk and i took that as he'll eventually leave me and felt worthless, not good enough. I locked myself in the bathroom. I felt like doing bad stuff again. We talked after a bit. He knows me so well. I was in silence and he said how i felt almost all my bad and said don't- he loves me. How can some one know so much about me? It's odd for me and i'm like just realizing he's paid attention to those little things which means a lot i know- i wish i could truly feel that it means a lot i tend to feel more tricked though and idk why.

I'll try best. Get to work on my stuff i wanted to do these last few days, today.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I've had a bad day. I'm losing hope, I just don't know what to do anymore.

I so dearly wish I could make it better for you, JSG. Keep hanging in there and know we've got your back.

To Treehouse: I"m sorry you're so sad. I hate how that feels, but you're stronger than the feelings! You've been there before and beaten it. Safe gentle hugs to all who are struggling right now

[Nelliecat]

(((((Justsomegirl))))) I'm so sorry you're feeling so wobbly, wish I could help. Nell

(((((Treehouse))))) Sending you some hugs to wrap around your sadness Nell

[eclogite]

I caught up with some new friends at church this morning and everyone asked how Thanksgiving was, what I did, etc. I hate having to lie and say that my holiday was great, relaxing, etc.

[looking4polaris]

Just coming out of lurkdom to say that I hope things get better for all who are struggling through these crummy holiday weeks that seem to crawl by until after the new year. After my daughter was born a decade ago, I learned about something I never knew before...mommy magic. It's new to me. Here is what I wish for everyone who is struggling right now...

I wish you could come over to my house. I would call you in when it starts to get dark because I don't let anybody stay out late, even if it's not a school night. I would fix your favorite dinner because, around here, that's always something easy like grilled cheese or scrambled eggs so it doesn't take long to fix and we can relax and giggle at the table and not worry so much if our manners aren't perfect.
I would insist that you have a shower, but let you trade it for a warm bath in the "big tub" as long as you wash your hair...yes, I will come and check to make sure you get all the soap out. I'll warm your jammies up in the dryer so they'll be extra toasty when you get out of the tub. I'll comb your hair and try to be extra careful with the tangles. I'll dry it as fast as I can. You can put your fingers in your ears because I know you hate the loud noise. I'll point the hairdryer down your jammie shirt and puff it up with warm air to make you laugh.
After you are clean and dry, hurry up into the "reading room" because Daddy is anxious to pick up where we left off in the book he is reading to us. Yes, I will lie down in bed with you while we read another story. "Just this once" (every night since you were born) I'll give you extra snuggles and stay until you fall asleep. Of course you can pull your pillow and blanket into our room if you wake up and you are scared...even if it isn't raining.

Sorry I can't make it better for everyone. I'd love it if someone could make it better for me, but I'm trying to be content with the fact that, at least for a couple more years, I can make one person happy. Best wishes to all Back to lurkdom now...

[kaliope]

Sounds like its time for a group hug:
Please Help, Elli-Beth, Nicoleb2, treehouse, Just Some Girl, beauflow Hope things are getting a little better for you all.

Just another boring day in my world. Spent another few hours volunteering collecting toys for Toys for Tots. It was much warmer today than yesterday thank goodness. Not looking forward to working again tomorrow. Got a busy week ahead.

Hugs to all who need them.

[nicoleb2]

Anxious about therapy tomorrow because I have contacted my T all but one day this past week because of SI urges. I cleaned up my apartment today, which is good I guess, but I wanted to just run.

I want to hide. I don't want to deal with life anymore

[delicatefade26]

I'm crashing...I'm feeling anxious and low...I had such a great holiday weekend-and now I'm slipping-I have T tomorrow...I'm thankful for that...I still just don't feel right though...

[skeksi]

SO glad this weekend is almost over. I coped phenomenally well during the US holiday, but on Saturday the emotions hit me and I felt awful all day. I bailed on an activity because I was triggered and I felt fragile, but then I felt lonely and isolated, and then I second-guessed and criticized my choice. Yuck!

Today I am better. Because of the holiday, I had an emotional tsunami coming at me no matter what I did. I rode it out, it only lasted one day, and that's to be celebrated.

[Indie'sOK]

Facebook is an angry, helpless trigger....my Gaia account is banned and I don't even remember why......I can't go anywhere anymore.

Haven't had an email or a phone call from my T in well over a week... getting worried about her

I wish she would come home!!!