[mommyof2girls]

Yep, still here at work..... I REALLY need to win the lottery !!!!!

[Nightlight]

Don't know if I want to go to my appointment in a couple of days, or ever again.

T's given me so much but she's really important to me and I'm only important to her for 50 minutes a week.

Last appointment we talked about really big, difficult stuff, for me. T said she'd get in touch while she was away. She didn't.

I've needed the help so much. Left my job though so don't really have the money anyway.

Don't really know what to do.

[SoupDragon]

Actually I have checked up and down and I think I am OK.

Today has been hard. This 'rupture' with mum is really bothering me, but it was bound to happen sooner or later, because I can't keep the peace on my own.

I finally got through to the DWP, and it looks like they're going to start repaying my benefit for now, until the appeal anyway, so that's something. The thought of having NO money was too much to bear, as I don't really have anyone to rely on. I hate that I've been put under the extra stress of worrying about that as well as everything else, it almost pushed me under. And it's what kicked it all off with mum (because I asked her if she could pay my car tax for my birthday) so yeah, great...

But, all of that aside...! Only another day to get through until therapy, and I've been working on my art journal. I also have a book to finish reading. The anger, the hurt, the upset, the dark thoughts and the hopelessness seem to be lifting some, and I'm hoping a sense of calm can now return... If it doesn't I'll get my T to do hypnosis, that should fix me up for a while!

Now to read the rest of that book and then sleep through most of tomorrow

[crazycanbegood]

too many dried apricots!

[nicoleb2]

T today asked me if I was ok with her forwarding my records to the disability review people... they are just reviewing it now, and I know it's for sure happening. Panicking now.

Saw t today, and she was pointing out how much better the end of last week for me was, and that she thinks it is probably because I re-started a med I had been taken off of. Funny, since she had previously asked me if I thought I really needed meds...

[beauflow]

i need to go home, but i am afraid to call and tell my supervisor-- I feel like just getting up and leaving my job-- but I can't.... i am having a really tough day today...

[Unrigged64072835]

Well, the fiasco with my daughter is over with. Hope she's learned a painful lesson about what she does on the Internet and email.

Speaking of pain, I seem to be loaded with it from head to toe. I can't do much of anything because my head hurts so bad, and I'm still too sore to move around anyway. Looks like another sick day for me. Grrrr...

[WePow]

It is Tuesday. I am still maintaining peace. Having anxiety waves crash all around me out of the blue sometimes. Still no DID splitting! I do feel a tremendous aloneness though. It almost feels like seven of my best friends all died at once.
I want to join them. But I know this is for the best if I can make it through.
I keep thinking "Maybe they are on a vacation and will come home soon!" But I know the truth and know what happened to me last wednesday in therapy.
I don't even know if this will make any sense but that is my life right now.

[rainbow_rose]

WePow:

i am seeing my T for perhaps the penultimate time today. (my office has changed HMO plans and he does not meet their criteria.) he has offered me a bargain rate to continue but, being unemployed, i am not sure that i can afford it. tomorrow, i have an appointment with a p-doc - my first appointment with him. i have reservations about taking meds because they have never helped much before.

this afternoon, i have an appointment with a local non profit agency that will hopefully approve me for their training and job placement service. thursday afternoon, i have an interview with a corporation (not a law firm!) for an administrative assistant position in their law department. it's only a part-time position but, if offered, i will accept. i have to try to not build up my optimism too much because i have been suffering from depression when i interview and am not hired. i doubt that a part-time job will pay a salary that is sufficient to live on. but, it's better than what i have and will put me in a better position to find full-time work.

I didn't sleep at all last night. Managed to grab a couple of hours this afternoon. Mum finally called, and tried to brush off the past week like it never happened, inviting me round for tea. I went, and we ate, and we talked about things that didn't matter, and nothing that did. I guess we're back into our routine. It makes me sad that this is all we are. She didn't even ask me how I was. Nevermind, I have a therapist for that, right?

Speaking of, I see the wonderful woman tomorrow... and I have another day in my art journal to complete before then. Trying to relax with a beer and some jelly beans while I try and access my creative side...

((((hugs to all))))

[crazycanbegood]

hope i dont have cancer

[Kacey2]

[quote=WePow;2204640]It is Tuesday. I am still maintaining peace. Having anxiety waves crash all around me out of the blue sometimes. Still no DID splitting! I do feel a tremendous aloneness though. It almost feels like seven of my best friends all died at once.
quote]

(((((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sad for you. I never talk about it, but I do understand. It is an unbearable lonliness that you captured in your post.

Therapy earlier, so I'm a contemplative state...! Starting to feel a bit better again though. Some interesting books to read and some things to think about. Lists to make and goals to achieve... in time. But I need to start somewhere... where though?! Arrgh I hate me (or whoever the **** this is now! I don't really feel like 'me' anymore.)

[FourRedheads]

Hi all. I've been lurking. I'm reading and rooting for all of you. I just don't have the words. So posting is difficult, if not impossible.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I don't really feel like 'me' anymore.)

Beer and jelly beans will do that to ya! and I thought *I* did weird food combos?! funny girl! did you ever get the bertie botts(sp) harry potter jelly beans in all the weird flavors like spinach and grass and dirt and earwax? THOSE were fun! I had a gross-out contest with my friend's son (could have been the same day we went to see 8 Mile) seeing who could keep the grossest flavors in their mouth the longest without spitting it out. And then I wonder why my brother wouldn't let me babysit my nephew...

Originally Posted by hankster

Beer and jelly beans will do that to ya! and I thought *I* did weird food combos?! funny girl! did you ever get the bertie botts(sp) harry potter jelly beans in all the weird flavors like spinach and grass and dirt and earwax? THOSE were fun! I had a gross-out contest with my friend's son (could have been the same day we went to see 8 Mile) seeing who could keep the grossest flavors in their mouth the longest without spitting it out. And then I wonder why my brother wouldn't let me babysit my nephew...

Haha, oh hankster!

You could actually buy those Harry Potter jelly beans?! I'm not sure I'd want to try those, lol... although the beer did make some of the flavours I did have taste a little funny It's not like it was any old beer though either, it was Peroni - and they were 'gourmet' jelly beans! I'm a classy bird, me

[WePow]

Had a very nice session with my T tonight. I really am so happy things are healing the way they are. EMDR really worked for me!!!

[Unrigged64072835]

The situation with my daughter did not resolve itself after all. Husband and I are thinking we might have to take some drastic measures.

Have T on Friday, so he'll get an earful of this drama, again. Would really like to work on my own issues for a change!

[healed84]

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster.. Which, I hate!! It is not a new feeling, but one that I wish I could do without. Anxiety got a hold of me Thursday and Friday, through the weekend up until yesterday I have been depressed and just not filling like I connect or belong in this world. Yesterday, was better.. I can't tell you why, or how I came out of it, but I felt better. Now, tonight.. I am just blah. No energy... dreading taking my daughter to preschool tomorrow. However, she hasn't been to her last two classes and she wants to go. I haven't left the house since Sunday... I must go, and force myself to get away. Tomorrow is my son's b-day.. I hope I am able to be happy for him!

T is on Friday... we have a lot to talk about.

[pbutton]

I hate anxiety. I am sick of all of this. So tired of it that I can't stand it.

[coffeeicecream]

I've been in a state of anxiety since late last week. I am a mess. What started it is that I saw a new therapist I wasn't comfortable with him for some reason...so, after the session I googled him, then checked the State licensing board..I learned that while he is currently in "good standing" with the licensing board, his license had been revoked for having sex with a former client. I flipped out! I did not call him, I just left a message on his voice mail. Once again I am without a therapist...I feel as though I can trust no one.

I saw T today. My mood has slipped since I saw him last week, and I told him I was pretty sure it was a med issue. My pharmacy changed manufacturers of my medication and within two days of starting it, I could feel the depression setting in. T agreed that the change could be the issue. He said with someone else, he might must tell them to ride it out until they get a refill, but with me, he wanted me to call my pdoc right away -- literallly. He had me pull out my phone and call him. I left a message and the pdoc called back about a half hour later while I was still sitting with T. Pdoc agreed about the problem and is going to provide me with samples until my insurance will cover a refill. One problem solved.

We spent some time talking about my son. T has worked with him, so he is very familiar with his issues. It was good to unload those worries.

We spent a good deal of time talking about how I so want to get my music back (I play several instruments and sing, but I stopped all of it when I became so ill a few years ago). My problem is I have so much fear about starting it back up again. I've lost my confidence and fear that I won't be able to do it anymore. I cried and cried while we talked about this. Music is such a core value in my life, and it feels like it has all disappeared.

It was a long session. T came out to get me really early because his 4:00 had rescheduled, and we we all the way through to 6:00. A good session, but pretty draining.

[nicoleb2]

Was having an ok day, but now I am having more issues with my 9 year old. She seems to be getting depressed from her Focalin XR. Her doctor was considering zoloft at her last appointment, but I don't want to go that route with my daughter if it is medication induced. Her doctor doesn't seem to want to listen and it's pissing me off!