Well everyone. We're about to pack up the van and head down to Austin for Christmas. I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas as much as I know we will. We'll be back sometime on Monday, so I'll be back on PC sometime after that. Love you all. Merry Christmas!!

[OneRedRose]

in the last couple of weeks ive been tested for diabetes (im in clear) had an MRI of my brain (dozed off slightly in machine haha, the family joke that I could sleep through an explosion has now been turned into, sleep through an MRI machine lol) and been smashed emotionally apart and put back together (then rinse and repeat) keep waking up with night terrors, just wake up mid scream panic ridden, I am not even having a scary dream well then again I dont find 'scary' dreams scary, im always dreaming of death etc etc dont phase me.

I hate new T luckily I wont have to see her for other a month, old T next week, not missing any appointments luckily

[nicoleb2]

I feel completely awful. I have laryngitis and some other awful virus. I was in the hospital last Christmas and now I am afraid I am going to miss this one too

[kaliope]

Yesterday was difficult. I broke down crying two times at work. I felt as if my mind was going to slip away from me at any moment. Nothing seemed right. I kept getting "lost", just catching myself, totally still staring into nothingness for I dont know how long. One of my coworkers said I was staring at her and my eyes were huge. I retreated to my office and stared at my keyboard. I was scared. I worried I may have to go in the hospital as I do not understand what is going on with me. Losing control. fortunately most of my clients cancelled or no showed on me. I went home and stared at my carpet. Just frozen. I dont understand this behavior, but I could not help it. Today I am much better. No more trances. Not really feeling out of control. I do not have to go back to work until wednesday now. So i can get lots of rest and no pressure from anything.

Hugs to everybody.

[crazycanbegood]

too much holiday food EVERYWHERE!!!

[Unrigged64072835]

Husband and I have insomnia. Not good.

Had T today. It went okay. Didn't finish up the autobiography, but I think we stopped at a good point. Talked a lot about my brother and how my parents treated him. He was the "sick one" in the family (he had a heart condition that required a pacemaker as a kid). Since he got most of attention (good and bad) from my parents, it kind of made me feel left out. We get along okay now, but he's now having to live on his own (he stayed with parents until they died) and he's dealing with settling Dad's estate. I kinda feel for him, but I'm not going to let him mooch off of me either.

T is working through the holidays. He's moving his office on New Year's weekend. That stinks, but I guess it was the best the clinic could do without disrupting too many clients. So, I see him again on Friday.

Hope everyone has a happy holiday. I'll probably be around here on Christmas; Husband will have a new toy and daughter will be on the computer as usual. for those who are alone this time of year.

[beauflow]

But oh well-- It comes down to this-- Work there are "tasks" even with NOT being "told" to do them- I know what they are and I figure why not--- with my own time I "need" *in away* to be told "what to do"...... I feel like a damn child some days!

-- my boyfriend and I were talking about this--- he says this sounds more like a slave rather than a child-- and we talked about my mom for a bit- i never really viewed it as from that percepective but a child when left alone can go and play, do what they do-- i have observed many children of family and friends do this on after thought--- they don't get told- go play with the beep beep toy and then the bear toy and then yada yada- they may be told go play, but not what- they do that on their own.

Sigh-- just a thought after I had posted and after talking with another- I know my boyfriend is no T- but at the same time he is very observant and perceptive on things- He said the part that I get work done is my muture part- he on the other hand is a kid at work- dragging feet to get stuff done, finding more enjoyable things to do, talking to others (bs-ing) and then work stuff--- I wish I could be like the rest when it comes down to it-- but oh well- baby steps-- My mom had me work since a child to teenage age years--- so being mid twenties and realizing this is a good thing I think.

I am sorry that some are feeling under the weather, having a rough time, but remember -- keep trying and be well and as always

Everyone- HUGS To you - May you all have a wonderful holiday season and may the new year bring joy of some sort

[unaluna]

beauflow, i'm the same way, but I got recognition as a child at school for my efforts, and kinda at work - I was always going the extra mile as I saw it; but at HOME? Never recognized at home, never appreciated, never really a part of things. Trying hard now to make a home for myself.

Thanks for posting about your extra work chores these past few days, I really related to it! I know, I'm weird! The beauty shop owner where I worked was SO HAPPY when I finally got his floor shiny - he had just been doing it wrong all this time! I cleaned it like my daddy showed me many many years ago - with AMMONIA!

Anyway, hope you enjoy your furlough.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by kaliope

Yesterday was difficult. I broke down crying two times at work.

kaliope, you have been working WAY WAY too hard. I have been getting exhausted just reading about it. not really, but even Mrs Claus doesn't work that hard. I think you have been running on pure adrenalin for a while, and now you just crashed.

[Nelliecat]

Originally Posted by hankster

kaliope, you have been working WAY WAY too hard. I have been getting exhausted just reading about it. not really, but even Mrs Claus doesn't work that hard. I think you have been running on pure adrenalin for a while, and now you just crashed.

I agree. Kaliope, can you slow down a while? You need to give yourself a little tlc

[Nelliecat]

Well, all ready for xmas. Have paced myself and unlike previous years, am not completely wiped out by the time the big day comes and suffering from a meltdown. Got a bit of a sore throat but all the kids have had a cold recently so it was inevitable really. I actually feel physically better for not seeing T during xmas break.

[beautiful.mess]

At home today, waiting for Christmas to be over. It's really hard for me this year. Not sure why. It doesn't feel like Christmas. There's no snow. I'm just not in the mood this year. Dh wants to go to church tonight for family communion and I'm just.not.into.it. My kids are excited and they are the ONLY reason why I'm putting forth any kind of effort into doing anything related to the Holiday. Maybe it's because this is my first Christmas in therapy and everything is just weighing me down?

All I know is that I keep looking for the escape hatch (the only thing I've ever known how to do) and there isn't any. Even with my feelings and thoughts and emotions - everywhere I go, there they are! RIGHT THERE for me to face.

I'm ready to move to Hawaii and live on the beach and eat coconuts all day.

Well, I've had another lovely ride today - even though I was a little daunted, secretly, at riding my friend's rather large young horse who I'd never been on before. Anyway, it went fine! I've been rather brave on horseback this week, in fact all this year -- I never saw myself as a particularly confident or capable rider before, so I'm kinda like 'how that happen?' I don't know how I can be so calm around unpredictable and potentially dangerous horses - I mean thats how most people see them, yet I can have anxiety/panic attacks when I'm watching TV or simply when I wake up in the morning... weird, right?

Christmas is totally going over my head. It doesn't seem real, because I've really not been involved in preparing for it. We don't have a tree up or anything. Going to mums for Christmas 'dinner' at teatime tomorrow, but thats it. Don't know if I'll get any presents - but will feel guilty if I do because I haven't bought anybody anything - NO money. I've made cards for my nearest and dearest though... like.. about 5 of them

Anyway, I hope you all manage to make the best out of tomorrow and the coming days, I know some of you are having a tough time. My heart is with you all!

Merry Xmas, and all that jazz xxx

[sittingatwatersedge]

To my T, without whom I cannot imagine what my life might have been like without her help,

to Doc John, who kindly provides this amazing, multifaceted, unique site for the help of anyone in need,

and to all my PC friends, who have stood with me through all my storms of 2011 (and earlier, in many cases), who have allowed me to share your triumphs and tears -

a most wonderful, blessed Christmas to you all. I wish you starshine as that over Bethelehem, guiding and serene, and peace found in the song of angels.

SAWE

[crazycanbegood]

bah humbug

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

bah humbug

literally LOL'd - thanks, I needed that!

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by hankster

kaliope, you have been working WAY WAY too hard. I have been getting exhausted just reading about it. not really, but even Mrs Claus doesn't work that hard. I think you have been running on pure adrenalin for a while, and now you just crashed.

Originally Posted by Nelliecat

I agree. Kaliope, can you slow down a while? You need to give yourself a little tlc

Thanks guys...its all over as of yesterday. No more working extra hours. In fact, i dont have to go back to work until next wednesday, then i work two days and then have another four days off. I went out today and rented some movies, stocked up on cigarettes and just plan on vegging until i have to go back to work. My son says he wants to hang out with me for christmas. Luckily, since we had extra christmas baskets left over, i grabbed one so i have a ham, some potatoes, rolls and a dutch apple pie for us to eat. i put up my little plastic white light coil tree, those ones for your front yard, its about two feet tall and put the few gifts i got from my kids around it. i asked my son if he wanted to drive around town tonight and look at christmas lights with me but he hasnt responded yet. it is something we have done every year since they were kids on christmas eve. i dont know if i want to do it alone.

i am doing much better than i was on wed and thrus. no more weird stuff, havent been bothered by voices at all. so hopefully it was just a couple day break from reality due to stress and it is over now. i worry over every little thing that i hear, wondering if it is "real" or not. but i think i am back on the right track.

just some girl-----have you ever checked into equine assisted psychotherapy? do they have that there in England? its therapy with the use of a horse. very popular here. one of the therapist in the office i used to work at made that her specialty. she was highly successful with it. you should google it. the relationship you have with horses, i think it could be something you could easily connect with and learn from.

Well merry christmas eve to all.

Originally Posted by kaliope

just some girl-----have you ever checked into equine assisted psychotherapy? do they have that there in England? its therapy with the use of a horse. very popular here. one of the therapist in the office i used to work at made that her specialty. she was highly successful with it. you should google it. the relationship you have with horses, i think it could be something you could easily connect with and learn from...

Thanks Kaliope, maybe I ought to look into this more and find out what kind of cases it would be used for, how suitable or helpful it might be for me. I have heard of it, but haven't seen anything of it being used over here in England. It certainly wouldn't hurt me to do some research...

My T loves horses, so maybe I just suggest we have our next session at the stables, lol "T, meet my 'other T!'"

[PleaseHelp]

Yesterday I took a huge leap of "faith."

Background: I don't speak to my biological family at all, for 2 years now. "mom" was raised by cousins. We called her cousins grandma & grandpa and their kids are our aunts. My grandma passed away this summer. My grandpa has been ill. My one aunt moved back here for ID to help with my grandpa. My aunts are playing Switzerland (neutral) when it comes to my bio family.

I've been thinking a lot about my grandpa lately and how much I miss him. I haven't seen him in 3 years. My SO has been trying to convince me to go see him and told me he'd come with. I happened to talk to my aunt on FB yesterday and find out she was taking my grandpa to a doc appointment about 1 1/2 hr from where we live. Well I decided to go see him, even though my SO couldn't come with. I was so nervous. That was the longest drive EVER. I was anxious. Just worried about everything. My grandpa was really happy to see me. My aunt (from ID) was really happy to see me, its been over 10 yrs since I've seen her. My other aunt seemed pleasantly surprised to see me. The only person that brought up my bio family was grandpa. I just kind of shrugged it off.

Anyway I'm really proud of myself for going to see him. It was a huge step for me.

Today: feeling kind of down. it doesn't feel like Christmas eve and I just don't seem to really care. I did manage to get most of the laundry done today and I pinned the blankets that I need to sew. (good thing we're not exchanging gifts until around New Years with that family)

Hugs to all who are struggling and to all in general.

[kaliope]

Please Help

I ditched my bio family as well. I am so glad you worked up the courage to see your grandpa. Great job! Sorry you are feeling down for Christmas eve. I wish it could feel more special for you. I hope it gets better.

[PleaseHelp]

Kaliope:

Thank you. I know part of the reason I'm feeling down is that the girls aren't with us this year for Christmas. That always makes holidays hard. Just need to get through until Thursday when the girls come and then we can have our Christmas.

[nicoleb2]

I feel awful again. I managed most of the day, but I am physically drained and feeling horrible again, mentally and physically

[delicatefade26]

This Holiday has brought such mixed emotions for me this year...mostly though I'm doing good!! My family and I have laughed a lot and enjoyed our time together! Well...as soon as certain members got here it was better (safer)...I almost got hit and that was scary : / I will definitely need to process that whole episode with T...but I'm just glad I'm safe now-and I feel okay...I'm carrying the comfort and safe feelings of T with me <3

[nicoleb2]

I hate the holidays. I really wish they were over. I can't take this anymore.

[Nelliecat]

Feeling sh*tty, temperature, aches and pains in my bones, shivery. Why is it always the mother who feels crap on xmas day!

Anyway, no visitors today so I can go without make up and just let things happen.

Merry Christmas, hugs to everyone