[ShaggyChic_1201]

trigger warning


despondent. can't take anymore. reached end of rope and about to let go and free fall for a while. see hospitalization in my future. can't control thoughts of death, pain, suffering. don't want to hurt anymore. all i want to do is pass peacefully away and be free of this. If Iweren't so mad at God right now, I'd pray for that, but there's no use. I don't get anything i want. all is hopeless. I am useless.

[kaliope]

(((bubsmiley)))

i have a tremendous headache today

[PleaseHelp]

The week has been going pretty good.

Today I woke up anxious and have been anxious all day. Wish I knew why. I wonder sometimes if I can/should give my opinion/thoughts on being a mom. In a way I don't feel I have the "right" b/c I'm just the step-mom. I just don't know where esle to write this or say how I feel. It hurts. I so wanted to be a mom and I guess I am. I'm just a part-time one. And I feel like I'm just an extra. Most of the time I can handle it, guess today is just one of those days. Probably doesn't help that we haven't seen the girls in over 2 weeks and wont see them until mid next week. I'll stop with my rambling.

to all

T today. I drove there with my dad (moral support and directions!) Unfortunately I got a bit sweary and irritable... Don't know what it was, I'm usually calm when I'm driving. I'll be driving there by myself next week! And, of course I will probably get lost. Session with T was good, we talked about some things I'd been thinking about during the week. I held back tears a few times... I was very honest with her about things. I always am, but today we covered some rough ground. I think today she saw some of my pain. I've logged on tonight to find an email from her... I'm trying to figure out how to respond.

Hope everyone is well and looking forward to the weekend

[nicoleb2]

I texted my t for support today. I wanted so badly to cut. She started out mildly supportive, then she asked why I was choosing to be depressed, why I was choosing to consider si'ing.
I asked her how I am just supposed to accept the things that are happening in my life now and recently. She didn't answer. She just stopped replying.
I have never been so angry with my T. I don't even want to see her again.

Today was okay. I had a good day.

[Lauru]

So my T told me I am doing good. And I am. It's just, sometimes being well scares me. I don't want to lose it again, like I know I will. I am afraid I will be well, then lose all of my support because I don't "need" it anymore, then get sick again. It's sad, I'm not happy when I'm depressed and I'm not happy when I'm happy. If that makes any sense. Sometimes I wish I was like I used to be. My moods were all over the place. I felt things intensely, not just mildly. I lost the passion, the fire, the joy. I used to be able to drink and to SI, now I can't or I lose my partner. I miss the feeling cutting and burning gives me. I miss the drunks where I lost all control and everything was ok at least for a little while. I know I am a whiny brat. I have no business even remotely feeling blah. I really should just keep my mouth shut. At least I am not suicidal and depressed.

[WePow]

Feeling healthier today. Watching myself so I don't go manic and swing too much. I know the end result of that number. But it is good to feel wellness today.

[nicoleb2]

Doing a little better today. Still really upset about the way t was yesterday and nervous about my session with her on Monday. I can feel a breakdown coming. I hate going and sitting in her office when I feel like this. I know she'll give me the "I can tell you need to cry, so just do it" look, and if I keep fighting it, like always, she will know, and I won't be able to keep it in.
I don't want to let down the wall. I can't let it all out because I can't get it all put back away before my session with her is over. I can't be that exposed when I walk out of there

[alwaysrejoice]

I'm ok. I'm still crying hysterically here and there. It took everything I had not to cry in church this evening. At least I was able to go, that is a good sign that I'm getting better.

(((everyone)))

I've actually had a good day. Spent a few hours with my cousin and a friend, in town and at the cinema. The hours flew by, and I actually felt like I could chat and participate without feeling like I was merely faking it. I just hope I can fill some more days this week with positive things and experiences.

[Joanna_says]

It was good to finally have a good again...
I actually felt connected to my friends and managed to have some normal, good conversations.
One of my friends was kind enough to bring a bag of walnuts for natural dying. So I got to spend the day creatively and for the first time in a long time I felt like doing stuff again.

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by PleaseHelp

The week has been going pretty good.

Today I woke up anxious and have been anxious all day. Wish I knew why. I wonder sometimes if I can/should give my opinion/thoughts on being a mom. In a way I don't feel I have the "right" b/c I'm just the step-mom. I just don't know where esle to write this or say how I feel. It hurts. I so wanted to be a mom and I guess I am. I'm just a part-time one. And I feel like I'm just an extra. Most of the time I can handle it, guess today is just one of those days. Probably doesn't help that we haven't seen the girls in over 2 weeks and wont see them until mid next week. I'll stop with my rambling.

to all

Pleasehelp, you are not a part-time or extra mom - you are a BONUS mom! and you can be every bit as loving and influencial as a biological mother regardless of how much time or access you have to your stepchildren. Time is about quality-not quantity. Make the best of every moment you have with those girls, make an impact and they will remember it and you for the rest of their lives.

I am doing pretty good. Getting a little bit antsy about appt with T on monday. Havent seen him for over a month now and still not sure where I stand whether he is going to continue to see me or whether he is still upset aboutt he pdoc issue. I plan on going in there with things to talk about and pretend it never happened. Lets hope he follow suit.

[confuseduk]

to everybody. I feel very sad and tearful today. Partly because my mother is going into hospital for an operation this week and I kind of wish I'd told my T, I'm worried something might happen, she's even done a will Should have said something in my session but I didn't. Guess I'll just have to get on with it. At least the op will be over before next session.

[alwaysrejoice]

hugs all around.

Wow I cried very hard today. I wrote a note to my husband and family members. I just had to get things out of my head. I don't know if I should show it to my T or not.

[PleaseHelp]

Yesterday, was a good day. Got out and did things with my SO and some friends. So far today not feeling the hottest. Think my blood pressure is lower than my normal, which is low. Waiting to feel better b/c I have a lot I want to get done today.

Kaliope: thank you for your kind words. I know that what you said is true, sometimes I just have "pitty parties."

[OneRedRose]

I should have phoned T on thursday, I thought id be strong enough with the wait..she was off on friday, shes back tomorrow but I wont call, its pointless really because ill see her tuesday...but as I type this I realise...I dunno what time my appointment is...damnit...I might have to actually call her anyways grr! ive had a mixed weekend, some great moments mixed with some frightening moments and some very dark thoughts, but ive had people cheer me up, someone im texting atm keeping a smile on my face , and my gaming clan kept me laughing yesterday and today one of them said the sweetest thing to me, said about my brain scan he said that I cant have anything wrong with me, that he will cry if somethings wrong with me. and that just made me smile, that someone ive never met who barely knows me would care if something happened to me, i assured him nothing was wrong and its just procedure but yeah, known my gaming buddys a year next month, they have followed me through thick and thin, through all my ups and downs and complete mental break downs their like my online therapists! lol!

[Nelliecat]

Quite a good day. Just pottering around the house, made a roast dinner, made a cardboard house with my 6 year old for a school project and went for a lovely walk with hubbie and kids. Oh, and had a lie-in this morning! What a bonus!

[moaninglisa]

Fairly good day, a bit on the manic side, but that's good (I think) as I'm gearing up for the big family Thanksgiving at my house. Severe back pain through the weekend, but forging on. Glad to be here, just beginning to participate in this community.
/Lisa

[kaliope]

It has gotten quite cold here and waking up to snow. Brrr. I have been so used to not having enough money or such poor living conditions that I have been sitting around bundled up freezing that I forget that utilities are included in my apartment and I just jacked my heat up so I can get warm and have it as warm as I like it because I live alone now and dont have to worry about anybody yelling about the cost of the heat. It bothers me so how programmed I am still.

I just got back from paint class. painted mountains and trees and a meadow. its pretty. next week we are going to paint christmas cards. i really like paint class but it seems she is teaching the same stuff again and again. not that i dont need the practice so i can learn the technique, it just gets boring having similar pictures. i keep giving them away because who needs that many mountain, meadow stream pictures in their home. i guess one day i will be truly happy with one and keep it.

see t tommorow. toying with idea of canceling and not going back anymore. i have been doing ok without t for a month. my only worries have been about T, not about life. but of course the minute i do that, the world will come crashing down.

well i hope everybody is doing as close to wonderful as they can be.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

still miserable today. wish i could report otherwise.

((((everyone))))

Had a decent day spending time with my horse, but forgot to take my meds last night and so wound up having tremors in my hands a lot of the time. I didn't 'feel' anxious, but physically I felt shaky -- apparently not enough for anyone to notice. Went riding with a couple of the girls (high school age), and it was strange for me because I felt like I had to be the responsible adult, and take the lead in making sure everyone was safe and wore lights, that everyone had a lift home, etc. It wasn't a big deal, but I guess it was for me in that I actually took charge of a situation, played the 'parent' role. I think it says something for my confidence (especially as I hadn't taken my beta blocker!)

When I got home I finally took my meds, and after watching about an hour of TV I zonked out, waking up just a little while ago (1.30am)

Pleased! I've actually had a good weekend, spending a lot of time with other people, having fun, doing different things. I shall have to tell my T that for a couple days here I didn't behave like a hermit!

[laceylu]

Feeling spacey and disoriented. My husband has been really pointing out my lack of social skills. I always consider what he tells me, but I still feel out of sorts. I may be in a dissociative state. Or maybe he is just in a bad mood. I am going to journal it and share it with my T this week. I just want to be normal for a little bit. The energy it takes to behave nicely is just a little overwhelming sometimes.

I met with a friend this afternoon. I had to talk to someone about the pain I am in concerning what my husband did. We cried for hours! It was good for me.

[nicoleb2]

Having an ok day today, which I guess isn't too bad considering how bad I felt thursday. Had "All Saints Day" at church today, which is a day to remember those who have died. I almost left because I just don't want to even think of all those I have lost.

Tomorrow I see t. Not sure i want to