[PleaseHelp]

Got a compliment in DBT and DIDN'T twist it into something negative. Huge step for me. And the compliment made me realize I'm not giving myself enough credit for the strides I've made. Felt like an idiot (now laughing at myself about it): put my coffee mug (with lid) in my purse b/c I needed a free hand, I'd say half the mug ended up IN my purse. Great way to start one's morning. Managed to get all the important stuff out b4 it was doused in coffee. So far having a good day. Called my neighbor after work and went for a walk. Its such a nice fall day. Little nervous about being home alone on Halloween (yes its silly). But I'm sure everything will be fine.

[kaliope]

Lots of hugs to everybody that is struggling.

Went back to work today after three weeks off. I swear, people were genuinely excited to see me and welcome me back. Eyes lit up and I got hugs and I love you's and Im so happy youre back and the place wasnt the same without you. Even one of the girls from the other building saying so. An intern I didnt even know saying she was glad I was back cause she wants me to review her master's essays and heard I was the one to do it. I have always felt people wanted me around because I make life easier for them, for what i do, but these people really showed me it was about me. I am a person worthy of love. I did not go unnoticed. They would miss me if i were dead. it was really special. I do mean something to people.

I really miss my grandbaby. I looked at his picture fifty million times today and showed him off just as many.

Blessings to all.

[nicoleb2]

Getting really anxious again. Why would I choose to attempt to fill out disability review paperwork now? I don't have enough forms to list all of the medical professionals and hospitals and such that I have been to in the last year that relate to my disability. I don't even KNOW all of the places I have been to, and I don't know how or where to get the info from.

[PleaseHelp]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

Getting really anxious again. Why would I choose to attempt to fill out disability review paperwork now? I don't have enough forms to list all of the medical professionals and hospitals and such that I have been to in the last year that relate to my disability. I don't even KNOW all of the places I have been to, and I don't know how or where to get the info from.

Could you ask your T or pdoc? They might have records of the hospitals you've been to. Take a deep breath you can do this.

[nicoleb2]

Super anxious. Want to SI really badly. Why does everything have to happen at once?
Disability review, both health insurances are changing, kids are having issues at school, I'm still in a lot of pain. My mood sucks because I am in pain and I just don't care about anything. I just want to go to bed and stay there forever

[kaliope]

nicole

[Nelliecat]

Feeling worthless. Can't stop crying. T today and can't get that right. Can't get anything right. What is the point?

[WePow]

hard session dealing with way too much
feel like i will never be fixed
no offer for second session this week
i dont like EMDR when it is this hard and i cant have time to work on the life stuff
why bother with any of it

(((everyone)))

Woke up with some pretty bad anxiety. Went to the farm to go riding, but I was in a bad mood. My horse was being full of herself and pratting about, and she scared herself by bumping into a wheelbarrow someone had left in the way. I got irritated and shouted at her, impatient as I tried to manouever her around it. I felt really bad about it afterwards - especially as we went riding, in the dark, and she was such a good girl and didn't spook at anything. I felt like a bad mommy. I showed how ugly I am inside. I need to keep these emotions in check in future, it's tricky to communicate how 'sorry' I am to a horse... I gave her a big heartfelt hug and hoped she understood.

Feeling like such a failure.

Saw my friend who said she'd given my CV in where she works. I feigned interest. Yes, I need the money, but I don't feel too good about the idea of working there... and, the uniform has short sleeves -- so I'm already anxious about a hypothetical situation.

I wish I was seeing T tomorrow, but I had to switch my day to Friday.

Something terrible has happened to me. I cannot believe I am going through this. It is embarrassing and something I wish I could ignore, but I can't. The only thing that is getting me through is emailing my therapist and taking Ambien so that I can sleep.

[kaliope]

(((Nelliecat))) (((Justsomegirl)))
I hope everything is ok squiggle.

I couldnt sleep anymore this morning. Had another one of my reoccuring nighmares that involves natural disasters, tornadoes this time. this dream included my ex. this is like the fourth dream of my ex in the last month. in the twelve years i was with the man i never dreamt of him.

i am just disturbed by my state of mind this morning. i have been feeling really good since i have got back from my daughter's and the welcome i received at work. i guess since i have been relatively stable i am used to my mood sustaining some. maybe its the dream but it really didnt pertain much to the thoughts i am having.

i think about my grandbaby and i thought about it a lot when i held him. does his life factor into mine? would he keep me from killing myself? my daughter has always told me she wants a grandma for her children but that has never weighted into my decision and it still really doesnt now that this little life is here. but i look at his little face on my cell phone every day and i worry about his life, that something bad is going to happen to him, that he is going to suffer and it hurts me that this little boy is going to be hurt by life. and i cant not think this every time i see him and it makes me think i am warped for being so morbid.

so i woke up this morning thinking about death, not killing myself, just how i have always seen it as the solution for everything. i started praying to god to take me away when i was six. i have always wanted to die. so whenever my illness causes struggle in my life, that is where my mind goes. i just found it odd that i have been in such a good place this week that i would wake up thinking in this fashion. i could blame it on the dream, but that is even odd that i would have the bad dream when i have been doing well. i guess it is just part of the curse of this illness, cant depend on it to allow me to remain stable.

i hope everybody is doing as well as they can be. hugs to all.

[Nelliecat]

Feeling spirally depression pushing down on me again. Not sleeping well, not wanting to see anyone, can't talk properly, sad, sad, sad.

(((Nelliecat)))
(((kaliope)))
(((Sqiggle)))

Didn't get up til really late. Went to the farm, came home. Pizza and popcorn, so unhealthy. Another complete waste of a day, but feel too rubbish to do anything constructive -- how long am I/can I go on like this?

[nicoleb2]

Really tough day today. My mom would have been 52 today. I miss her more than words can say. I'm really struggling with even getting out of bed. I just don't want to.

Tomorrow, I have physical therapy again. I don't want to go. I hurt worse after it. I just want to stay in bed, hide and pretend everything is ok!

[beauflow]

God- I wish I could quit my job= Or just have nice people that are honest working with. I can not stand people who lie, and worse yet trying to get me in trouble with their lies due to their faults- I am so mad, I almost broke a window at work, i think I broke the top hinge on the door here at work due to i was so mad at the time- I tried to breath in and out, i was trying to remove myself from the area to go away. I tried to take a walk but I am still stewing. I get told eat something, i do and now i feel freakin nauseous like I am going to throw up- i hate this, my head feels funny and my vision is off- I can not hold conversations with people either. I am still mad about this whole thing. I wish I could just stay home and work- i really do- but not that fortunate

But on the bright side- my Fortune Cookie has this: Character is the cornerstone of success..... I find it too ironic that was my fortune cookie and what all has happened in the few days and tonight at work...

I slept well last night thanks to Ambien. I can't get hooked on it, but right now I need it. Too many things going on. My grandbaby is still in the hospital. She was born on Oct. 28th and won't be able to come home until one day next week. Maybe Tuesday (8th). Her parents (my son) are devastated (just as I am).

Tomorrow night is my daughter's Senior Night at the high school. Since her father cannot escort her across the football field, I will have to do that. This is a huge trigger for. Being in that kind of crowd and having so many eyes watching me. I am going to do this. I have to. I cannot let my daughter down. I would never forgive myself.

My husband and I are not doing so well. Stresses in the marriage. It makes it hard to do anything when you have that kind of tension in the home. I am thankful that I had a great session this week and she is helping me work through all of these things. I don't know what I would do without her right now.

The weather is great here. My students are being good this week, and I think I am digging my way out of all the paperwork I have to do at my job. Hoping today is a good day. I will do my best to make it that way!

[WePow]

***** WARNING TRIG FOR SU thoughts****

I am at work again. Had rough night last night. Deleted a lot of emails I sent to T and some from T (those were harder to delete). And was packing up some of my stuff to donate to charity. I keep going back to my decision before I started therapy about something I can't post. I have reached out over and over again. Sometimes I see hope but it makes a circle back into "This is my life and I am over it."
There is no point in trying to work through it if all it does is circle back around.
I had another dream last night about T but this time I was the one who wouldn't let him talk to me. He was following me in a park and I finally yelled at him and told him to just leave me alone because I was too messed up! He finally walked away and I was relieved because then I could ... well nevermind that messed up part. But the bottom line is I wonder if this therapy thing will work to reverse that choice three years ago. Once the mind is made up about something that deep, is there really a way to stop what you decided? A part of me is the fighter and that is what keeps going to therapy to try to fight things internally. But I have been exhausted for just way too long now. Heck, yesterday at work I got a dang big compliment from the VP of our company about a happy customer thing and I actually went to the bathroom and CRIED! Not happy tears! Just ... IDK. How can a person be this way inside and actually have any real long-term hope? Sure I have several very good days now for a change. But what is the point of trying if it is just always going to come down to this??! I deleted my emails because I saw that since I was in therapy the emails are always negative! I sound miserable in them. And that is what makes me angry because they were the truth! I don't want it to be the truth. I wanted to feel better and to actually not just glimpse joy once in a while.
IDK. It is like the closer I get to healing, the deeper the depression is when it does hit me. Thanks for listening.

[beauflow]

(((( wepow )))) i'm not sure if i fully understand but i do believe with ourselves we can change thoughts or plans. I know about 4 years ago i had a plan in some ways still do but it's been altered a little. I hope you well i do. Wish for you to feel better.

(((( everyone )))) i wish to feel better.

I feel odd still. I talked to my supervisor on what made me so raging mad at work- she actually brighten my day a little with talking a joking with me. . Was also able to bring up in a civil manner about the lie- it's feels good to try to point out the wrongs to others that it's not right to lie on some one. I got an apology too thou i know fake but none the less. There's a lot i need to talk about in therapy next monday- idk if i'll remember it all. My head hurts at times- it "feels like" it's bleeding. I know That's probably odd but i've had it since i can remember- i forget to tell the t and pdoc these things for i don't find them really odd. :-| i need to make my list as i told t i would with this pdoc- i best- t got me out on their rule that i had to go see last pdoc and explain why i don't like them. T said she didn't think that be good or i wouldn't feel comfy and she'd write an email about it. Sigh. March will be here before i know it. I'm not sure if therapy has helped much as of now. I'm sad a little inside i'm going to be trying meds. Actually i'm sad on the idea that meds will help me. I feel like a failure if That's the case. But it'll be ok. My boyfriend and i have talked he has helped me see new light on meds and assures me- if i get worse or dull he'll step in and see docs with me. I'm grateful to have such a person that cares. I wish everyone had some one- i really do. I'll try to do good with these holidays coming up. I actually want to make cards today i've had like 3 hours of sleep and feel lazy but want to make cards i'm trying to take court as my chance to explain my accident with the car. Everyone says i wont go to jail cuz i wasn't being that "sort" of reckless.Fog & ice. Be well al

Not too bad. I didn't get to sleep until about 7am, I was on 'overdrive' again, just couldn't switch off. Got up mid afternoon and went to spend some quality time with my horse. Had a nice ride, just around the block as it was dark. Got take-out for tea. Going to try and get an early night. T tomorrow, and I have to drive there -- trying not to think about it in case it makes me anxious, I've not been driving very long and I only tend to drive locally... sounds stupid but it feels like a big deal. I don't know what I'm going to tell T about this week -- it started out really bad but I'm feeling okay now, I guess. On the surface, at least!

Hoping you're all keeping it together, I know some of you have been having a rough time from what I've read here...

[delicatefade26]

I just don't feel good : (
I don't know if it's mess or stuff going around...but it sucks!!! I just want to sleep! But then I keep having dreams I don't like...anyways I'm sitting waiting for T now...I have a bad feeling about this session : (

[nicoleb2]

I'm just so done. Everything is crumbling around me again. I want to go to bed, to stay there. I want to hide. I want to SI, so bad. I texted my T again, like the 3rd or 4th time this week. I need to stop relying on her so much. It's not fair to expect her to deal with me outside of my sessions and her work hours

[ECHOES]

A nice therapy session tonight. Next week I begin twice a week sessions.
I feel so good just being there and working with her.

[kaliope]

(((wepow))) wow, you sure took me back to my thoughts prior to 2009, I wish I could tell you what fixed it. I know I got on medication, I know I did therapy and somehow, this time the magic happened. so far anyway. i know how much you are hurting, and i wish there was something i could say, but i know there isnt anything other than to tell you that i understand. i understand those glimpses of joy dont add up to allow you to look at the bright side. they hurt me more than anything else. just know i support you.

i am feeling good today. i have been managing not to let my T/pdoc issue stress me out too much this week. have been busy at work and i think that has been helping me keep my mind off it. been going to bed earlier. dont know if its because im paying attention to my body being tired or whether i am still on east coast time.

i hope everybody is doing well and for those who arent lots of hugs.

[WePow]

Session was so wonderful lat night. T gave me what I needed from "US"

So far, my day is okay. But then again, it is only 7:00am!! I sure hope that I have a good day. I hope that I can forget about what is really going on in my life. I wish that part would just disappear and I never had to think about it anymore.