[PleaseHelp]

Still feeling out of sorts. Did laundry and worked on some calendars. I really don't like night time. Especially when my SO is busy doing homework and studying. I know he's just down stairs but I still feel lonely.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Know my T and P-doc are talking about hospitalization. It's been 10 years since my last inpatient. Trying not to feel like a total failure. Know they have my best interest at heart and aren't punishing me, but still feel ashamed, sad and broken.

[nicoleb2]

Doing ok today. Saw my t this morning. We talked over why I was angry with her. I'm still struggling. She wants me to accept all of the losses in my life and stop wishing things were different. I don't know how i can accept this...

ok day, not much accomplished. stopped working when apathy set in. Still in an ok mood, peaceful, chatting with gf.

(((everyone)))
+ extra hugs for (((bubsmiley))) You will be ok again

I've had a constructive day. Mucked out the ponies (deep litter, had been putting it off) and I finally managed to install my printer (I'm ecstatic about this!) I printed off my homework for T, and got 4 people to participate in it so far

Plans for most of the rest of the week, and then some! I feel better when I have things to do and places to be.

Spent a whole load of money today, but it was all necessary. I also filled my car ALL the way up, so that should last me at least a couple weeks (even driving all the way to T! Which reminds me, I need to print out directions and a map off Google in case I get lost )

[beauflow]

OK I saw T today, told her about my 2 weeks.. she told me to please not feed my fear with the driving, that it is ok for a few weeks to be not driving but I should get back to it. She gave me some EMDR things to do for the driving accident to get over, she does not want me to go further than the accident with EMDR Though (Cuz I asked if I could use it for other things and she said she would like me not to till this is over) I agree in my logic mind with her, I am just a rusher with things.
I have not been driving for 12 days, and after talking to T and talking with my boyfriend (him i talked to several times before session today), today I drove (my boyfriend drove himself to work but I drove back home with our dog), I did not think was going to be a big issue, but then again I am so glad to be home after a short drive...It has stressed me out- But I believe with this I can get over, I agree don't feed the fear and take time. Little baby step i take it as today. I have to go drive in the night in a few hours (my boyfriend and I share a car and he needs to come home and I need to go to work lucky we work at the same facility), so prepping myself for that right now. It will be ok, I've been a good driver for a while, following speed limits being courteous to drivers and bikers and so on, and it was just an accident that happened in the fog. It should be ok tonight, where I am at the snow "forecast" keeps getting pushed back, which makes me happier cuz I was like going to leave really early when it started to rain (I keep looking out the window ) and just chill in a parking lot of work with the dog or see if my boyfriend could leave early and I just stay at work..
But it has not started to rain, the forecast keeps pushing back the snow for where I am, and the amount lowered as hours pass.....
I realize I have stressed too much over this just a tad bit but it is ok- it was in ways, just so I don't do it again tomorrow right ?

[WePow]

Today I realized that all my misery is caused from shadows. My whole past is what blocks the light in my life. Those dark clouds of sorrow block out the rays of joy.
I will be glad when I can remember to see past the shadows.

[beauflow]

((((WePow)))) I get told it takes time with some things. The future and past go hand and hand and if we work on what we are working on now, other things will come together. I hope so for the both of us, all of us with such a dilemma

[kaliope]

(((bubsmiley)))

great job on being so constructive just some girl. you sound like youre really proud of your achievements.

finally had appt with T today after over a month and my crying message begging him to let things go back to normal, that i dont want to leave him for therapy with pdoc and i didnt think it was possible but we didnt discuss it at all, he asked how my plane ride went, then asked what i wanted to talke about so i talked about everything but pdoc situation. then when it came time to go he asked "whats our normal schedule?" so i guess that means that has decided he will keep seeing me on a regular basis. now i just have to deal with pdoc and tell him our visits are to be strictly about meds. petty docs.

hope everybody is experiencing some semblence of peace, if only for a recognizable moment.

[Lauru]

Hating work life. Always doing more than my job, and I am expected to. I can only handle so much before I crack. And after Sunday, I am aware that that time is coming fast. See T tomorrow. Will talk to her about it. I may need to request a reasonable accommodation through the ADA. But I don't want to lose my job over it either. This sucks

[beauflow]

ugh-my drive was ok in the night, it was not too bad.. I drove the way of where i crashed, I not knowingly slowed down 10 miles slower than the speed limit when coming to it all- which is ok.

((Lauru)) I can totally relate to job stuff-

I was doing fine, \Then i came to work and disarray here as usual, and like no one talks to one another so of course I am finding out things just as they are happening- which really sucks. It's like gettin hit in the face with ****. I hate this job some times, i don't know how I have managed to stay here for going on 5 years. Feel so agitated and so fed up- I want to go home. ... It is a want to be corporate (well it is corp but I am not part of the corp so that is where the want to be comes from cuz they don't get corp personalities for my groups I work in) I just so sick of this all- Things would go much smoothly if people just talked to one another, but it is like pulling teeth to get people to do that. People are scared, which is so stupid, to talk to someone...

I always took this job as I don't know anything and everything changes anyways- which is the attitude to sort of take it. I learned what i need to and update my learning on what i need to-- others just don't get that.

IT pisses me off that these people here show no intiative to go further, they don't ask questions, bring up issues, so thus where as 6 people should know this job only 2 actually do fully... and I am one of the 2

Then I am pissed off with customers here cuz **** they don't seem to want to give me space- which is something, I need to get over.

Not to mention for some reason I have been feeling like a failure here at work and IDK why- I dont think it is actually "at work" but the sense that I am still here and going no where and I have not moved on and can't move up with this job.

[alwaysrejoice]

I think I really realized that everything isn't my fault today!

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by alwaysrejoice

I think I really realized that everything isn't my fault today!

Always rejoice that is awesome- i like that you wrote that

[PleaseHelp]

Been doing pretty well. Getting started on making photo calendars for Christmas - lots of stress, lots of work, major labor of love, and its worth it to see the looks on my mom & grandma's (technically their both my in laws) faces. The girls are coming tomorrow after school and staying until Sunday night. Haven't seen them in 2 1/2 weeks and don't normally get them for 4 days. I'm looking forward to it, but also stressing a bit.

[nicoleb2]

Day started off ok, then I called my pdoc's office, again. he was out of the office for 3 weeks, and I am having issues with insurance not covering the sleep meds he wanted me to try. Well they said they "will see" when he can get back to me. I am SO tired!!!
And now my friend (the only one I have) is saying that I need to try more natural remedies (like accupuncture and massage) which my insurance does not cover. Makes me feel even worse about my whole situation and I just want to cry. Can't though because I have to go work in my son's classroom for an hour

I am having a lot of anxiety today. I know what it is. It is because of the topic we will discuss in therapy tomorrow. It will be another one of those, "OMG! I can't believe I confessed that to her" type threads. Many of you know about that thread. If you don't, you can search for it. It was a very difficult but freeing session!

Thanks kaliope!!

I was surprised by how late I overslept today, but I got up and went for another great ride on my horse. She seems really calm and content, more relaxed than I've ever known - she's matured a lot this year, and that makes me proud and happy. I must have done something right in raising her, huh? I've not screwed her up too much, at least!

I've been checking out Google maps to make sure I know how to get to T. I'm already panicking that I'll get lost. I don't want to cave in and and let dad come with me again like he thinks he should... I might just have to set off ridiculously early and then, providing I get there, sit on the side of the road somewhere until it's time for my appointment...

Not got anything to do tomorrow, as yet, but I've got plans for Thursday, Friday AND Saturday, so I feel good about that. People actually seem to want to spend time with me?! Not something I'm used to, so I'm going to make the most of it!

[zooropa]

starting to work up a good whirlpool of anxiety about my session with T tomorrow.

Still pondering my topic of discussion for tomorrow. Is it TMI? I guess I will find out.

[PleaseHelp]

I am feeling under the weather. Anxious about the girls coming for 4 days.

[beauflow]

Capital ****--- I dont know how I have done it but I have lost (i guess MISPLACED is a better work I keep reminding myself) all my medical bills some how, not only the bills that i wrote checks for this morning for this month-- BUT ALSO my file thingy that i keep all my past payments organized in... crapola man, .. I am not usually this way, I am organized usually in some insane way I am, I know where my stuff is...yeah at times i misplace little things and get agitated but the little things are found and don;t mean as much as these bills.. yeah I know i have been stressed but crap... I have looked every but the bedroom, but I know the envelopes are not in (I don't mean to sound crazy but I KNOW They were in the pile i sat on the book case-- or i think i know lol) there maybe the file thing is maybe (I will have to wait till my boyfriend gets up-- crap crap crap.. I have been looking for a while

I don't want to wreck the house like I did on sunday when I could not find my flash drives.... ****..

I need to calm down so thought i would express my frustration here for a minute or too.. sorry all.. This is probably minor and I am probably over reacting

It is just, with all that has happened the last 2 weeks, now my boyfriend is having pains in his chest, today he is going to the doctor I hope, cuz this **** scares me.. I think I put him under too much stress and now he is hurting inside. I keep hoping that it is just the acid reflex but i fear it is his heart and it is just progressing... and now I can not find my ****, and I don't want him to wake up to a frantic beauflow.

****-

I hope you all well..

___________________________Updated____________________________I am sorry__________
OMG_ I am so wrong on stuff- I found my bills in a folder ????? that was stashed in a box.. IDK what is wrong with me. I dont do this usually

It still stands I wish you all well.. I am sorry... god my head feels odd.

[OneRedRose]

T asked me on tuesday if I was lying to her, because I had said the week before I wont tell her if im depressed and stuff anymore if she stays seeing me, she gave me abit of a speech that its her job and its the law that she must know how I am because if her therapy is effecting me in a negative way they must know so they can correct it, she said this because on the sheet I fill out before every session under the "feelings of wanting to hurt myself/die" I ticked zero days, I used to tick nearly everyday, and alot of other things were alot lower, But I told her that they were genuine feelings.

I explained to her that a lot of my friends were seeking advice from me during the week, even had a mate beg me to come with her to get a peircing because she wanted me their to look after her, I explained to T, that im a night in shining armour type person, I love to feel needed, makes me feel like I have a purpose, I am everyones hero if I can be, this made her smile, I guess therapists are kinda the same, they love to help people, maybe not as strong as being a hero, but I think she got where I was coming from

[kaliope]

Today was my long day and it was hectic. A child appeared to have multiple bruises so i had to report it to CPS as i am a mandatory reporter so when the grandparent came to pick up the child i couldnt return the child as CPS was on their way to investigate. the grandparent said it was a medical condition so i told him he had better tell mom to come prepared with what medical condition it was and the dr. treating it. CPS brought the cops and made this big hoopla about it but believed mom. but ive got the granparent in my lobby badmouthing me on the phone for accusing them of child abuse.

then i had a father whose son got caught up in a big bust of kids who were buying adderal. says hes a great kid, no complaints, good student, experimenting quite a bit recently with drugs and alcohol. school requiring him to attend a program at my agency or face suspension. well no problems to work on according to dad so nothing to work on in counseling, i want to put them in our family group that meets for the next five weeks. dad wants absolutely nothing to do with it. not his problem.

then off to shop for four hundred thanksgiving baskets. they have prebaked apple pies for 1.99, but damnit, cant get anymore, kills me, gotta get pies for 2.99 instead. want 5lb bags of potatoes but they are 2.49 and 10lb bags are 2.99. so i ordered 200 of the ten pound bags and the volunteers will curse me, but they are going to have to break them down into 5 pound bags. those doing community service will really be challenged this coming week. now lets hope we get enough donations of turkeys and hams to fill all the trimmings i purchased.

This is just the start of the chaos at work. As soon as the thanksgiving baskets are given out we will begin our Toys for Tots drive. Pickup, Donations, Sorting, Bagging, then our christmas baskets. I also teaching two night classes thru the middle of dec.

Ive decided to let my doc take me off haldol which i have sworn by for two years now. I am on a very low dose which he says is doing nothing. (he is not the one who prescribed it and i was on a higher dose that stabilized me) but it caused tartive dyskenesia which i am on more meds for, and i take a daily stool softener because it constipates me, and it has weakend my kidneys and my urine is cloudy on a daily basis, at least once, if not twice a day. so longterm healthwise, it would be smart to get off it. so i thought i would try to see what happens. its fast acting so i can always get back on if things go downhill. i can always take it prn.

well i am tired and really just rambling. thanks to anybody who took the time to read. hope everybody is feeling super!

[nicoleb2]

Tired, frustrated, anxiety again. Want to SI to make it all go away. Worried about some things i need to discuss with my t... yuck

[lastyearisblank]

DEPRESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So depressed. Too bad T is away. Need ice cream, urgently.