[roadtrip]

what a weekend and so glad it's over. It was so hard was just mostly lost.

[beauflow]

wow-- i actually talked or touched basis on all things that I wrote down, I even gave her my notes, and told her that last part is about me quitting therapy- I told her I feel some times really to stop but sessions with today I did find insight and helpful which makes me want to keep trying...

sigh- how can so many see so much anger in myself-- I know T and Pdoc are trained to see the signs-- it shocks me though-= she brought that up today she also brought up that "rage" that I need to find the grey--- i think she sees it in me.. I know one day she said she did not see me as a lashing out person, but I think she sees the rage that I try best to contain.

To work on: finding safe place, rocking )which I was utterly embarresed to share with her) is ok to do- and that I should find a safe place soon,.
Containment- as usually- contain what work issues i have and keep them at work
And try to find grey with work issues, try to just to take care of my job and myself and not worry about others (I Try hard but need to try harder when I some how get mixed in the pudding with work things)

Balance-- trying to find more balance. over all-- emotions especially .. it is hard... T let me know today it is a struggle, so in ways letting me know to: don't feel defeated if i fail at times, try try and try again

To day was good- I felt more honest and open with t- she said she knows it is hard- we only see each other every other week and here lately holidays have vacation time, so less than--

but it was good-

we also talked about meds-- again don't be defeated with the idea-- i was honest finally with her about how I see me as a failure if they do help... just need to keep reminding myself

this session was so better than the last where I cried-- i dont think she remembered that but that is ok

I've been trying not to worry too much about finances, I've just been trying to live as economically as possible and hope for the best. Well, my card maxed out again. I've got about 5 quid in my purse, and that's IT. There's some kind of problem with my benefit so I haven't recieved it and I don't know if/when I will. I have to go for an assessment tomorrow so they can determine whether they think I should be getting it (ESA/incapacity) or whether I need to be pushed onto Jobseekers and into finding work. I'm stressed, and I'm scared, and I feel like I am worth less than nothing.

My friend took me out for the day, just to get me out the house really, and we went into town. She was doing the last bit of her xmas shopping - I can't buy presents for anyone this year, obviously, which I feel awful about. I'm dreading Christmas and everything about it. I feel like I can't escape from it - adverts on TV, songs on the radio... everyone gearing up for a good time over the festive period. I don't know how I will bear it. We went back to her house for a while afterwards, but I struggled so badly to keep up lighthearted conversation and politely laugh in the right places. She dropped me off at home and I apologised to her for not being good company, then almost cried. I managed to hold it together until I got inside. Spending time with friends is supposed to make me feel better, right? I really appreciate my friend for trying, and for caring, but spending time with her makes me feel worse - because I'm not the same person she used to know. I can't live up to the person I used to be.

If I can even get to therapy this week depends on if I can get the money off mum or dad, to pay my T and to fuel up my car. I need to see her, she's the only one who has a shot in hell of helping me through this.

I feel absolutely desperate. I feel like I've been backed into a corner again. I feel powerless. I feel trapped. I feel hopeless. I can't keep going on this way. I don't know what to do.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I've been trying not to worry too much about finances, I've just been trying to live as economically as possible and hope for the best. Well, my card maxed out again. I've got about 5 quid in my purse, and that's IT. There's some kind of problem with my benefit so I haven't recieved it and I don't know if/when I will. I have to go for an assessment tomorrow so they can determine whether they think I should be getting it (ESA/incapacity) or whether I need to be pushed onto Jobseekers and into finding work. I'm stressed, and I'm scared, and I feel like I am worth less than nothing.

My friend took me out for the day, just to get me out the house really, and we went into town. She was doing the last bit of her xmas shopping - I can't buy presents for anyone this year, obviously, which I feel awful about. I'm dreading Christmas and everything about it. I feel like I can't escape from it - adverts on TV, songs on the radio... everyone gearing up for a good time over the festive period. I don't know how I will bear it. We went back to her house for a while afterwards, but I struggled so badly to keep up lighthearted conversation and politely laugh in the right places. She dropped me off at home and I apologised to her for not being good company, then almost cried. I managed to hold it together until I got inside. Spending time with friends is supposed to make me feel better, right? I really appreciate my friend for trying, and for caring, but spending time with her makes me feel worse - because I'm not the same person she used to know. I can't live up to the person I used to be.

If I can even get to therapy this week depends on if I can get the money off mum or dad, to pay my T and to fuel up my car. I need to see her, she's the only one who has a shot in hell of helping me through this.

I feel absolutely desperate. I feel like I've been backed into a corner again. I feel powerless. I feel trapped. I feel hopeless. I can't keep going on this way. I don't know what to do.

I hope you can get to your T

I hear you on finances I do-- I have been trying to live one day at a time..

This year i am in the same boat as no gifts for people, I am going to try to make some stuff like Ihave these past 2 years due to no money to get anything and told my boyfrined I can't get anything for the kids so he will have to if we are going to-- to be honest he cant either- we both have been furloughed and spend too much of our checks on rent, car, insurance, and bearly have food-- I am going to the food bank this month- no matter what, we need food and I cant buy any this month- but it will be ok

Just Some Girl--- I am always told this:::: "Things work out in the end some how.. even if they are not as we imagined, planned or wanted.. the do work out in some way which keeps us going:" I do find this true, I am always shocked by it as well... I hope that helps you in a way as it helps me some days

It is nice that your friend took you out, but that had to be hard too- I can't imagine how I would have taken that all if I were in your shoes-- but it was a nice gester

I do hope you well Just some girl.

[delicatefade26]

(((Justsomegirl))) I hear the pain and feeling of being overwhelmed in your post...I hope you are able to get to see T this week...I know that is sometimes the only thing that can keep a person going...just sending some hugs and a lil prayer

[PleaseHelp]

((((everyone))))

I had a migraine all weekend, but made myself do stuff with the kids. We got the tree up and some of the house decorate. I can't find 2 of the girls' ornaments and I'm upset with myself for that. Stressing out about finances and Christmas and all that other stuff.

Not sure how I feel about going to T this week, considering how it went last week. I feel so fed up with all of it. Kind of feel like I'm just going to start shutting down in therapy. I know my T will see that and call me on it, but I just don't know anymore. I am wondering if it might be a good idea to increase my mood stabilizer until the holiday season is over with. Guess I'll ask Pdoc about that next week.

Hugs to all that are struggling.

[sunrise]

I just finished and turned in my last assignment for the quarter. So glad to be done. I can move on to fun things now, but also need to be applying for jobs.

I'm looking forward to my appointment with T tomorrow. We missed our appointment last week so it's been a month. I have a feeling and a hope--it will be a good session!

I feel so completely alone. I am scared my T is dead . I just need to hear from her. I am tired of trying to be so understanding and such a good sport about her being gone so much. I just need her home!!

[karebear1]

((((((SarahMichelle)))))) You've been so brave and considerate- I hope T calls soon.

[WePow]

My BF had her Bday today, so I took off work and spent the day with her.
Last week my T set me up for session today, but I wrote him to reschedule and he wrote back and changed it for Tue. So I thought all was well. But then I got a call at the house from my T wondering where I was and if I was OK. I reminded him of what we changed and he said OH YEAH! and he had me down for Tue but forgot to take me off for today.

On one hand it was great to hear his voice without a reason
But it triggered me because it felt like he totally missed the reality of my day today. I had even emailed him a pic of the pie I baked for my best friend - because I never bake. And he answered and said it was a beautiful pie :-) That was about 3 hours before the "missed" session deal.

IDK. Just strange feeling inside right now. Kinda alone.

[hahalebou]

I have my first hypnotherapy appointment tomorrow. So nervous. :S

1st session with my new T...great!

[nicoleb2]

Had a session with my t today. She apologized for acting the way she did last week, and also pointed out that if she didn't care, she wouldn't get upset when I do things to hurt myself.
I had to talk about the fact that I si'd over the weekend. She wasn't even mad. She said she knows what a hard time this is for me, and she was happy that I was able to admit to her that I did it.
Then we talked about pdoc, and I told her i was worried about switching again. All she said was that I need to make the choice for me and what I am comfortable with so I am in the market for a new pdoc.

[kaliope]

Im cold. Brrrrrrr.......

I just spent like a hour writing and rewriting these really long rambling post wondering about what were my obligations to others for christmas, and worrying about money.

Ive deleted them again and again. There is no good reason for me to be worrying. Im being ridiculous. There is no basis in reality for my worry. Does that make my worry any less valid I wonder?

But I am worrying about money for some reason and I am not struggling financially so I didnt want to insult those who have real financial issues. That would be insensitive.

So I guess I really dont have anything to say than I hope everybody is doing as well as they can be. Hugs to all.

[delicatefade26]

Today has been such a weird day-I feel so disconnected-like this isn't really happening to me...I feel like I'm in a strange dream...I'm exhausted and just want to give up-I'm just so tired of it all...I see T tomorrow and that is getting me through...the little girl in me needs him so much right now...I can't wait to be finished with school for the semester...it's draining...I just don't feel right...

[eclogite]

In a good place today. Tackled some stuff head-on and it went well.

[nicoleb2]

Just figured out that I will for sure be losing part of my medical insurance as of January 1st. I won't be able to afford meds and therapy as they are now.

Might be able to do therapy once a month, not sure what I'll do about meds

[PleaseHelp]

(((nicoleb) Will your T let you set up a payment plan or does he/she have a sliding fee scale?

Last night I was all over the place. From crying to raging. Feeling like a worthless piece of s h i t. I swear I can't do anything right. Then trying to sound like everything was fine when my bro-in-law called. I was hoping he just wanted to talk to my SO (his bro), but no he had questions for me.

I really feel like I'm losing my grip. I know I need to get through this month. However, I'm beginning to wonder if its just this time of year that has me all over the place or if there is more. I have not been dealing well with my SO going back to college. And with it being the week before finals and the holidays I'm really struggling. I honestly don't know if I can handle 3 more semesters plus summer classes and I'm not even the one going to college!

I see T this week, normally I enjoy it and its a place for me to decompress but it hasn't been lately. And I really don't need any extra stress. So disappointed with our last few sessions.

Kaliope: you can talk about whatever it is that's bothering you we're hear to listen.

(((beauflow)))
(((delicatefade)))
(((pleasehelp)))
(((SarahMichelle)))
(((kaliope)))
(((nicole)))

Just want to say thanks for the words of support I've got here on the forum, and the PM's, means a lot to me

I had my medical assessment today so I was stressed. Barely slept last night, and used some negative coping skills just to get through. Lots of crying in the small hours. The assessment wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't too bad, just a lot of inane questions and the general feeling that I wasn't really being heard, listened to, or really understood. No in-depth questions, really. Not sure how they will deduce if I'm fit to work or not from that. Call me cynical but I don't think it mattered what I said.

It put me in a bad mood. I dropped the 'F-bomb' a LOT today. Then I had people trying to communicate with me via text to arrange what we were doing with the horses tonight, which really irritated me because there's so much miscommunication via text, and plans got changed so much I didn't know where I was up to. When I got to the farm everything just seemed like so much hard work... and it was SO COLD!! I felt quite overwhelmed.

Went to mums for supper, and got all teary again. I don't like all this emotion now that I've switched meds, I'm hoping once they kick in properly I'll go back to being a zombie - it's easier. Anyway, I hated to have to ask for it, but I did get a little financial support from my mum - enough to buy a few groceries and fuel up my car. Not so much with the emotional support, unfortunately - just the usual "chin up", "stop crying, it won't do you any good", and a 'good natured' prod in the arm...

My T has said to me that I need to be more honest with my mum, not to keep letting her get away with saying how I seem 'well' or 'like my old self' etc, let her see things how she wants, but to correct her and tell her how I'm really feeling. I didn't intend on doing that, because I knew how it would go, but I'm finding it hard to keep the 'mask' in place right now, and so came tonight's tearful little outburst after a stressful day -- only to be met predictably with 'buck up, bucko' type sentiment rather than the sincere heartfelt hug or tenderness I would appreciate - that one might expect from a parent under such circumstance - however, I feel like my tears make my mum uncomfortable rather than sympathetic. Like, OMG, quit crying, it's embarrassing.

Oh. Well. At least I have a little food, enough petrol to travel to T, and money to pay T this week! Phew. So, I guess I can relax a little... you'd think, right?

[kaliope]

Had appt with T today and didnt feel it went well at all. Felt very disconnected from him. I brought up several issues and as he addressed them it was like "are you even listening to me? what does that have to do with what i was talking about". Like i am overly worried about money in a weird way, i want to hoard it and max out my cards instead. I have money to spend. He gets hung up on anxiety over debt and spends ten minutes educating me on credit card debt reduction plan to reduce anxiety. I want to know why I am being weird about spending money that i HAVE to spend. He did give me one amazing thing tho that I guess redeemed him for the rest of the bummer session. I posted another thread titled "reasons to live" where i wanted to go daily to post a reason to live each day. but having wanted to die for so long, it is very hard to come up with good reasons to live. i have such a hard time with anything having enough meaning to make it worthy of living for. so he gave me a different spin. "todays reason not to die" Small shift but makes all the difference in the world in my mind. Doesnt make logical sense I know, but somehow it works.

Everybody

[nicoleb2]

I realized this evening that I have gone from despair to somewhat numb. Nothing is good, nothing is overly bad.

I just don't care. If i don't take my meds, who cares. If I don't get out of bed, who cares.

I'm not going to be able to do therapy or take meds for much longer anyway, so whats the point? I'll probably end up in the nut ward because of going off of meds but I don't care. Nothing matters. Numb is so much easier to handle than all of the despair

[beauflow]

((Every One))

Nicole -- I would most diffidently talk to your therapist about the financial issues you are going to be facing this coming year.. your T may have a sliding scale or she can work with you-- It is hard enough to go get help when you have the means to do it, let alone when those means run out-
I do believe that most of these T's that get into this profession want to help out others- if she can not perhaps she can point you where you can go for help.

Just Some Girl---- It is hard to talk to some when they are in some sort of thought that - "Everything is fine with you...." I have yet to master that with my brother, I am fine and he is always worse... all the time...
Maybe when another event comes up with your horses and people start texting you can call them? Maybe- I know talking on the phone is nerve racking for me, but at least it would get clear communication--- I tend to do that with my supervisor these days, if emails are flying and I feel they are being mean hearted due to mis-understandings, or something, I call my supervisor to clear up- I will be smoking a cig and shacking while the phone is ringing but after words it makes me feel better and silly.

Kaliope- That sounds like a really good thing to do-- Reasons to not to die. I know I have my own struggles with the opposite as well some days. Hopefully your issue with money in a "weird" way goes away-- have you had money issues in the past, IDK maybe that could be a little to do with this odd thing right now?

Please Help!! -Remember you are not worthless! You worth the world to you SO and his daughters we all have hick ups it is ok to fail and try again, it is how we learn.

OK Deep Breath In---

I went from awesome day to trying to help, to- well then, f you guys... (not here on psych central but my "real life friends" which in reality are facebook virtual friends these days)
IDK why, but after realizing that I tried to lift some old buds spirits and did not even get a whatever beauflow back-- I felt quiet annoyed with it which lead to f-it.

I know it is my own fault- I broke away from them years ago, even had a Bye party when I left which many attended. I twist that in my head to, to it was some where that they could come drink is why they came, the did not care that I was leaving. But IDK- these people did befriend me on their social network.. Still, it is upsetting to just be ignored some days-- and that is how I feel right now with them.. IGNORED- and that for me leads to Fine F you, don't need you any ways--- did not want to help you any ways with some kind words a-holes..... (that makes me giggle right now).... I am going to delete all their numbers out of my phone as well- No use in texting or calling these a-holes cuz they ignore that too-- I have kept their numbers when they deleted me and asked for the number again a year later,, I am quiet tired of it to be honest.

I yearn for human contact-- But I am unable to handle the humans that yearn for. It really sucks.


The morning was awesome, it was, i felt so great...Along with trying to life spirits-- My boyfriend and I talked about my last therapy session... We do that from time to time, due to he wants to know what is going on- this main thing in our recent conversation was what was it that changed my mind with therapy due to the night before I was ready to quit!!..... To be honest after we talked, IDK-- maybe it is that she said some things with insight, and she said some things that really "hit the nail on the head" with me and it was like, wow she has been paying a little attention to me.....

Granted, when it came to the "safe place".. I just was told by T, you need to find a new one.. My safe place is suicide- it has been since a child, I realize that it is not a good safe place, but yet it is mine and gives me comfort.... I told T i was not sure how to find a new one, she said to think about it.. My boyfriend has an awesome idea that I will do--
1) Write out why my safe place is my safe place-- In detailed ( T and I have talked about why it is but to write it out and fully)
2) After 1, then try to think of a safe place that is not what is my safe place right now that has similar aspects of why my safe place right now is my safe place
3) write in detail about this new safe place.

I really like this idea-- I just need some time alone, some time away from work and the animals and my boyfriend to do so.

T also told me to write some good things in a letter, and keep the letter for when I go in simi-psychotic episodes as I did about 3 weeks ago when I almost kicked my cat..

It is funny, T does not like me smoking... But yet when I told her about that day, she asked what did I do to stop on the rampage that I was on.. I told her, I am not sure how long it took but a light bulb went off and I realized that I wanted to kick my cat (not like a bump get out of my way mind you) cuz he wanted to play and I was mad and tearing up my apt. , then I realized I was past mad; I was in rage, I felt like **** for wanting to kick my cat cuz I love my cat.... I then sat and rocked myself, and smoked a cig and tried to calm down.
T said that cigs have been studied that like the first five minutes with a cig is partially an antipsychotic ... I sort of laugh with that- it is a little funny... I told T may be that is why some days I am like I can not give them up.. Cuz they do give a release to me in some form and I can not explain it.

Any ways-_ Anger management too- T and my boyfriend are in the same spot of they don't know what to really suggest for me to find the grey area.... IDK either which is a bit of a problem.... Holding some of it i need to learn how to let go, and not to go from annoyed to rage with some of it as well.... I tried to post some help here on pc but got told to explain the root of it-- to be honest i am not sure what the root of it is,

It is not like for years I have not thought on things in my child hood that I could have hidden anger or realized with years I am angry about past things-- BUT, none the less-- I don't have a "single thing" to say where it stems from.... I guess several things then right? just identifing what they are? Some things I get so angry about, i can't explained.. IE when I think god and even every human being on the face of the earth is playing a joke on me and I aint laughing sort of s h i t -- IDK where that anger is stemming from but it is real to me at times-- Funny thing- T says this is not paranoid thoughts-- I think it is rather close to it, or no I said to her that this was "simi" delusional thoughts these were, due to I do not have religion and come on-- everyone is playing a joke on me-- even the mail man that i never see is in on it...

I am glad I am not like this every day- that is one thing to be grateful for... but the time periods and even the moments.. I am not grateful for those.

Sorry this long--- geez

Originally Posted by beauflow

I yearn for human contact-- But I am unable to handle the humans that [I] yearn for. It really sucks.

Oh wow do I relate to that.

Thanks beauflow, it is a good idea to call rather than text - I've asked my mum to do just that in future.. whether she will..? Unfortunately I never have any credit to call from my mobile (I just top up £5 every month to get unlimited texts) so that isn't always an option for me. Similar situation with the other people on the farm - text is the medium of choice/convenience for them as well, so I guess for the most part I'll just have to learn to deal and stop getting so stressed over it.

I managed to get an appointment with my doctor this morning. Finally I feel like I have a doctor who 'gets it' and will work with me. He actually seems like he gives a rats @$$! I saw him last time and wanted another appointment with him rather than with one of the other GPs in the practice -- none of whom I've found to be particularly knowledgable or helpful about my mental health issues, and for so long I felt like I was banging my head in a wall. He actually spent some time with me and talked with me, asked me how I was really doing. 'Not good', I said. 'The desperation has set in again.' He asked in what way, why, what had happened, and what I had done... I had to show him my self harm, which I obviously found embarrassing but he was understanding about, and he asked me if I'd had any 'plans' and I told him what I'd considered. He asked me if there was anything I thought he could do for me, and discussed my treatment options. He actually booked me in to see him in 2 weeks, instead of the usual protocol of having to ring through and fight for an appointment. He was really caring and told me I needed to remember what I can change 'today' or 'tomorrow' and what I can't, and to just focus on working on what I could change. He told me that by seeking medical help and finding a therapist that I was doing positive things, and needed to pat myself on the back for that. He also told me I need to trust my therapist and do what she tells me -- I do, and I do try... I told him I do believe my therapist is helping me a great deal, but I did mention I wasn't 100% sold on all of my therapists methods (Emotional Freedom Technique - it's the only thing I've clashed with her about, and I did at least try it before I thought 'I'm way too cynical for this') and he said that I needed to stop following my old map with my old coping mechanisms and have the trust and faith to follow someone else's map... Oh lawd, does that mean I need to start tapping again? "Even though I have this feeling - that EFT is crazy - I trust my therapist and wish to be more open minded... mm hmmhmmhmm mmhmm" *taptap taptaptaptap*

He also told me I need to go for a walk every day. My T tells me that, too. Like, okay, I get it -- exercise releases endorphins, you can be mindful of the trees and the grass and the birds and the yadda yadda yadda, it gets you out of the house... yes, yes, I know. But really? Is walking the magical mystery cure? Do they know how COLD it is outside? And windy? And rainy? It's DECEMBER! And I'm depressed and TIRED. About the LAST thing I want to do is go for a walk... but yeah, 'someone else's map'...

[PleaseHelp]

Well I managed to have a nice calm talk with my SO about school and some other things. After listing all the classes he needs to take to graduate and how many semesters he has to do it in. He did decide that he would only take 15 credits a semester! I did explain to him that I didn't think he realized just how much stress his going back to school was causing for everyone else and not just him. He started to say stuff about when he first went to college how he could work full time and have 21 credits and such. I said yeah I could too, but you didn't have a family then and the responsibilities that go along with that. He agreed! (I asked him to repeat it :P) We spent the rest of the night watching movies and hanging out. It was nice to just have some time with him.

I still think I need to find something to occupy some of my evenings for the upcoming semesters. Things will come together, I hope.

Been putting in extra hours at work, just to keep my head above water. Which is also stressful b/c I have to be really careful about how many hours I work.

[kaliope]

Dont have time to read everybodys posts now so will come back later when i can give them the time that they deserve. I am actually doing a supervised visit at the moment. Time is going so s l o w today and it is my long day. I kept waking up all night long and sweat so much I had to shower this morn which totally threw off my morning and i forgot to take my meds. And starbucks and these big signs pasted up which was out of the ordinary which just cast this omen over my day. Am i being a mental case or what? starbucks has signs up selling cranberry bars and this is a bad omen. I am being so weird. Just like at my appt with T yesterday. I have all these little weird things going on that I talk to T about and at the end of session he says "well it looks like your doing a really great job, keep up the good work". seriously, i suddenly dont want to get out of bed in the morning for two weeks now and I am doing a great job? I am having bizarre thoughts about money and I need to keep up the good work? I had a panic attack because I was cold and this is good? Im sorry, I dont get what you are seeing here.