[FourRedheads]

I haven't checked in for a time. I'm here every day, reading, but not participating. I don't know why. It feels safer to read and not post. I don't have much to say anyway.

My real life is this way too. I think I'm able to hold it together on the outside, for the most part, but inside I'm a mess. I'm really not okay. Ongoing stressful situation where I do not feel entirely safe is triggering.

I am so so scared to see T tomorrow.

[nicoleb2]

Not sure what I am feeling today. or even IF i am feeling. I just want to disappear. I have no desire for existence. I don't feel overwhelmingly depressed like I usually do. I just don't want to BE anymore

[Ygrec23]

I'm with Nicoleb. Today's a non-existence day. A wish-I-never-was-born day. That's no big deal. I have lots of such days. Not exciting. Not all het up. Just rather not be here. Forever. Rocks and stones may have it good if you look at it in the right way. Sure, I'd rather be strutting down Broadway in Manhattan with a ten-million-dollar line of credit in my pocket and the girl I love (to whom I happen to be married) at my side. But I'm not. By a long, long, long shot. Like you, I'm just scrapin' by. Which isn't all that different from non-existence, but it's harder than non-existence. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

the girl I love (to whom I happen to be married) at my side..... I'm just scrapin' by. Which isn't all that different from non-existence, but it's harder than non-existence. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

I was surprised to read this, Yrec. If you have that girl at yr side you are already a very rich man.

[WePow]

IDK. Was hard the last hour at work and ended up angry and telling them what for and then walking out to go home. It was the end of the day anyway. IDK. Then I did something not sober. Then I was upset with myself. Now I am just trying to get myself to rest. I know I am making progress. But I have such a low boiling point that it really takes me back to the bad place of why even fight for sanity if I can't hack it in the real world esp with all these rescources I have. I feel like such a complete failure of a human right now. I know... it takes time. But I was kinda out of my body watching session yesterday with EMDR work and all I saw was the 12 yr old alter me upset about something from the past and needing to work through it. So that part of me worked through it and felt better about that issue. I suppose I was mad again because it feels like my alters have the important things in session but my daily stuff is not what my T cares about. I know he does in the larger scope, but him saying that stuck in my brain. I hate it when my OCD makes things sticky in my head like that.

Sometimes I think I need my OWN therapist that THEY (my alters) can't talk to. I dispise having DID. I hate it so much at times! All it does is make things harder for me to figure out and stick back together inside. It is not being suicidal (that is when it is just over the edge and I lose it). This is more chronic. It is that feeling of just wanting this life to be over with ASAP because I am sometimes (like today) just so so so so internally exhausted in a way that I don't think my T or ANYONE can ever fix if that makes sense. And I don't want to be this exhausted with being alive!

Anyway, that was my day.

[kaliope]

(((Nicoleb2)))
(((Ygrec23)))
(((WePow)))
(((FourRedheads))) You dont have to say much. Hi is sufficient to let us know you are alive.

PleaseHelp- Glad you were able to make some comfortable headway with SO. I hope that takes some of the stress off.

Just some Girl - They really are big on that walking crap. Pdoc was making me do it to. He had me walking around the building at work everyday. Little did he know it took all of two minutes. But i was doing it.

Beauflow- I had a very difficult time with finding a safe place as well. the very idea of it was so over whelming it would bring me to tears. I dont know what my problem was. My safety net was suicide as well. As long as I knew I could kill myself I felt safe. I had that way out, knowing that comforted me. I would panic if somebody would try to get me to promise not to kill myself. You couldnt take that away from me. It was the only thing that kept me going at times was knowing that I had that way out if things got too bad. And smoking...Im not a huge smoker. It was I never smoked at home, only when I was out in public, when I drove. Its an anxiety reducer for me. Forces me to breathe. I tried quitting last year. But at the same time I quit my antianxiety and antidepressant. T actually told me to start smoking again, that it was too much to quit at once.

Tomorrow starts a series of long days for me. Long is full time for me. I dont work full time but will be until christmas. I hope i can handle it. They are decorating the offices. It is really getting to me. It is not that I am a scrooge. I just find it overwhelming. Last year we moved to this building in October. The move was hard for me, the change and all. then we have thanksgiving and i have the added task of doing the thanksgiving baskets. christmas we have toys for tots and the christmas baskets. so on top of that we had our open house and I was in charge of getting the food for two hundred people. then there was decorating the offices. every door had to be wrapped like a gift, garland everywhere, lights, the works. this on top of my regular duties. this right after i quit my antidpressant and antianxiety. it was difficult for me to cope but i made it through. so now i am walking around seeing all these boxes of xmas stuff, and the wrapping paper going up on doors, and the boss saying everything needs to be clean for friday because a judge is coming for a meeting (which i am part of) but i am just flashing back to last year and i am rebellling and not touching the box labeled kaliopes office. i just dont want to be a part of this. and one of the social work interns today is decorating and i made some negative comment and shes telling me tht i need to get in the spirit and i seriously tell her that this is overwhelming me and i am unable to get into it and then she continues to encourage me and tells me that i need to "get over it" to which she ended up with a stern lecture about NEVER telling a severly mentally ill person to ever get over anything. she apologized and explained that she just has a difficult time accepting me as mentally ill, she just doesnt view me that way.

well i am just rambling on here. im tired. i just questioning how well i am doing since i have been taken off my one med. i considered it my miracle med and i think i just expect myself to fall apart without it. i forgot to take my other meds both last night and this morning.

hugs to all.

[Nelliecat]

Nothing really, just this Just this.

[Nelliecat]

Have run out of love, life and smiles.

[PleaseHelp]

(((Nelliecat)))

I went to general doc today and had to have blood work done. She mentioned something about putting me on a med to raise my blood pressure, I'm not going on another med. I've had low blood pressure my whole life, I'll manage.

I see my T this afternoon. Not looking forward to it like I normally do. I feel so out of cinck (spelling) with her lately. I am going shopping with a friend after T. Not looking forward to the shopping part, but am looking forward to catching up with my friend.

[karebear1]

((((((((((Nelliecat)))))))))))) Hope things get better for you today.

[roads]

My meds have stopped working. It's like suddenly I'm back where I was before being dx'd bipolar, before that month in hospital. I hate the way I feel. Don't trust myself at all, shouldn't even leave the house or see anyone. I'm not answering the door or phones--that's really all I can shut out for now.

This kinda started months & months ago when I started falling into depression & I've gone thru several meds all with difficult side effects. It's been an emotional pingpong court. I am so tired of it all, & now this. Pdoc is topnotch but this has him stymied. I'm so tired of being the lab rat.

I took better care of my lab rats. I let them rest between.

OMG, I don't want to go back. I don't want to go thru it all again.

Roadrunner

[beauflow]

((((Everyone))))
thank you for all of you.
i hope the ones in a struggle right now, that you all find peace.
everyone doing well i hope have found their balance.

i feel strange today i am all over the place, and slowly realizing some things.

I am sorry for all struggles-- and I hope the best for everyone

Please remember-- you all help each other-- we all do-- we all are needed in some form.

i am sorry- i deleted all i wrote, i dont have time now to read, re-write, and make sure it is ok...

But I wanted you all to know --- Thank you for you all-- you all help just by being here

[WePow]

Today I got 1/2 day off work as a holiday bonus. It was nice.
I really badly wanted to ask my T if I could go see him. But that was a want and not a need. He is always there for me when I need him. And I don't want to ask him for extra sessions just because it makes me feel good to be with him and talk through the junk in my head. Plus he wrote a great email to me last night and helped get me out of the rabbit hole I was trying to go down :-)

So instead I decided to go bowling with that time. It was fun and I did it for two hours. It was funny because I was thinking as I was bowling "This would be when you would have wanted to be with T, but he would want you to be doing what you are doing now because it is healthy." So I decided to emotionally try to feel what it was like to just be around him and I was so relaxed!

I am a very aweful bowler because my dad was a semi-pro bowler and he pushed me too much and junk around that. But I enjoy the sport, so I don't want to discard something I personally enjoy with my mate because of his sorry rump. But I tend to be triggered in the bowling alley. So I bowl usually under 80. But today I bowled over 100 every game! And my last game was 150! ((one of my highest ever)). So I think therapy is healing me from the inside. :-)

Originally Posted by beauflow

... I wanted you all to know --- Thank you for you all-- you all help just by being here

Well said Beauflow, I feel that way too

Well, building on the progress of yesterday's doctors appointment and quality horsey time, after an otherwise crummy week - to say the least - I had some quality time with my therapist today Good talk, as ever, and we did hypnosis, which left me very relaxed, calm, and feeling pretty good actually. My T surprised me by hitting me with some big philosophical questions at the end which I wasn't sure how to answer, lol, aaarrrgh! Don't break my brain with wonders of the universe, gee, I'm just trying to focus getting from one day to the next here! It's funny though because I think we believe similar things, have similar ideas... as far as we've talked about anyway. Unusual.

I felt better prepared to attend the Christmas meal/party I'd agreed to go to tonight with mum - which was a bit stressful as I didn't really know anyone, felt like a fish out of water, and had to pretend to be having a good time - and sober - but, I coped. (Even when forced to dance to 'Walking on sunshine' - I mean, really, is there a worse song when you're feeling depressed?! )

Peace and love to all.

[kaliope]

(((Nelliecat)))
(((Roadrunner)))

Had an 11 hour day today. Have to go in early tomorrow as well. A judge is coming in to meet with the boss and I. He wanted to discuss proceedure regarding my program. I need to tell him to stop scheduling for me. He court orders people to my program and he gives them days and times to attend having no idea what my schedule is as we are totally unrelated agencies. Its like god, man, at least have the courtesy to call me from the bench and check my availability. Im nervous, judges scare me. I dont know if i should take a klonopin or not.

Otherwise doing ok. tired from the long day.

Hugs to all.

[nicoleb2]

Today is just another blah day in my world. I would happily cease to exist Today.

[mommyof2girls]

Boy am I tired...and only 5 more hours of work left ....I dont think I am going to make it.....

[PleaseHelp]

My T appointment went OK. She wants me to "journal" or something like that. I was getting confused. From what I got out of it she wants me to re-read the module on Emotional Regulation from DBT and start doing some of the homework sheets. I'm skeptical b/c she's asked me to do stuff in the past and then never read what I've wrote. I just don't know.

Went Christmas shopping with a friend. That was nice, to just get out for a bit. I really don't like shopping, but it was OK. Ordered our Christmas cards last night.

Stressed about work. I swear my boss thinks I'm super human or something. Of course, I don't ever really say anything when he piles stuff on. Occasionally, I'll say I'm having a hard time keeping up, but that's about it. Then he tells me its OK to work more hours to get caught up. Yeah, more stress!

[beauflow]

((Everyone)) Hope all are doing ok

Road Runner and Nellie Cat a longer hug

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have been all over the place again, at work i was slightly down, then i got a bit parinoid about some one stealing a TV again... i hate that- I am not sure if it is real or imagination of the scared thought, but i still wrote on some suggestions to do this break time to try as best to prevent what happened last Jan.

I was sitting here thinking to myself just abit ago--- some times I am afraid to lose my "high moments" i am not sure if that is the bipolar, or bpd, or both--- It does not matter what label that they put me on-- it is the High Feeling that I don't want to loose some times.. feel like if i lose that a part of me will be lost, and I was thinking here recently- that meds may take away my high feelings some days-- I rather have the high feeling all the time-- I do not enjoy the crash down however, or the spouts of sadness or whatever they call it-- depression. yuk.

the high moments are wonderful-- it is like -- everything is perfect at times,, it is like a blissful stupid high- i know that at times i get mad at myself for that as well, cuz another part sees that as stupid this happy high moments.

sigh--- i just was thinking on that- and that I see Pdoc the day after court next week... yay!! I am nurvious- I wish T could sit in with us so I could talk like with T but the Pdoc listen ya know?

Any ways-- I want my motivation back... i wanted to do some crafts but i am tneding to be on the down, blank side of ugh,, don;t know waht to do

work- i am not excited for next week, there will be a lot of people... today I just wanted to be left alone, but yet I chatted for a half hour some one's ear off about fears of the tv being stolen again... geez.. he entertained me with some actually smart solutions to avoid it (like beepers going off when the tv or tvs taken from the area-- he mentioned what the actual technology is but i forget but i liked that idea-- yeah!)

Anyways-- the fear is not that some thing will be stolen to be honest-- it is the effect that puts on the dept that is the fear- it was living hell at work jan-march about when the last one got stolen... ugh never mind--

I sound so trivial still- and I am sorry for complaining.

[kaliope]

At work. came in early to meet with a judge and he never showed up. turned out he got called in for court and forgot to call us to cancel. so now i have time to kill.

but i am aggravated. the secretary's mental health issues are conflicting with my mental health issues. and it is stupid but it is driving me up the wall. she keeps taking my trash out. this is NOT part of her job. she has way too many things on her plate. yet she keeps doing it. I keep telling her to leave my trash alone. it bothers me because she does not put another trash bag back into the can. I JUST put a new bag in the can yesterday and she emptied it again this morning. its difficult to find bags in this place. I just want her to stop.

I know its silly. It just aggravates me.

[delicatefade26]

There is a new lady at work (I only work at this place one day a week) and I've worked there over 2 years and she is really annoying me...telling me how to do things or what to do...NOT going to happen lady!!! Back off! Ugg!! I can't wait for the weekend!!! It's tough to control the anger here!!!

I got home from my night out, and came to browse on the forum for a while. I was going to post something on the 'Dear T' thread, but, feeling brave, I wrote it into an email and actually sent it to her instead. Glad I did, and happy that I got a sweet reply from her this morning (I actually woke up, without setting my alarm, after a good night's sleep, at 8.30am...!)

Just spent my day relaxing, as I felt quite tired after yesterday. Went up to the farm this afternoon and spent some time with my horse - and my mum as well.

Still actually feeling quite positive. It's so nice to have this relief! Such a contrast to how I was feeling a few days ago. I feel like a cloud has lifted...

[beauflow]

I feel like crap, like already we said our sorries and all but still

I asked my boyfriend to come with me to the store- i should had just went a lone. he did well in the store, waiting in line and all... but on our way to the gas station he got mad at another driver, then he hit a curb when parking and was like :why am i ****ing out here right now anyways,.. some thing worse is the side that hit the curb is the already damaged side due to my accident and it hit hard and i felt just awful things under the car- and as we drove home I swear i heard it rattling more.

I don't take other people mad well, it is always my fault i feel.. I told him i was sorry he was out and that I was the reason he was out. I am sorry for wanting him to come with me, i am sorry that i got him up before he usually gets up.

He said he was sorry and that it was not my fault and he was sorry for saying what he did but i still feel like bursting into tears of hatred for myself- it is my fault he was out, yeah it is not my fault for other bad drivers but still...

He asked for me to please cheer up-- it is very hard to do

[kaliope]

I just ordered like 25 dollars worth of chinese food to be delivered. i found the menu hanging on my door last week. it made it easy.

it finally clicked what T tried to tell me earlier this week about why i was being weird about wanting to hold onto my money. my son hit me up for 200 dollars today. he just moved into his own place and told me of how he was going to need to borrow some money to pay "next" months rent but they just moved in last week so how can it already be due, but it is his room mates wheeling and dealing that got them into the place and rent is due. but its five bucks here, and ten bucks there and i need shoes and i need pants and i need gas and i need this and i need that and our bank accounts are linked so anytime i go into mine i will see his has under ten bucks in it and i cant stand seeing that so i will stick twenty in for him and i went in with my daughter for a gift for my other son and his wife and it was way more than i wanted to spend and i had to dip into my emergency cash to make it through this last payday so even though i am financially ok, its this constant nickle and diming me to death that is making me feel out of control and wanting to hold onto my money. Makes sense now.

spent the last four hours standing out in the cold collecting food for our holiday food drive. we got well over 4000 pounds and i think over 800 dollars which makes us very happy. but i am still trying to thaw out. did not wear appropriate foot wear at all. toes definately froze. i just hope we got enough fixins for our christmas baskets. but it was great. people brought trunk loads of food.

so overall a positive day. tired. but i finally was able to forget my frustration with the secretary emptying my trash.

Hugs to all.

[nicoleb2]

I just got home from going out tonight. It was ok, but I felt really out of place with the people I was with.
I always feel out of place. I don't fit in anywhere, with anyone. No matter how many people I am with, I still feel alone.
I don't want to feel alone anymore. I don't want to be anymore.