[scorpiosis37]

I'm still sick and the doctors still don't know what's wrong with me. I have an MRI scheduled for Friday and I'm FREAKING OUT. I'm hopelessly claustrophobic and I don't know if I can make it through the test. I'm not just "normal person" claustrophobic... I'm like a 98 on a scale of 1-10. Of course, my unrealistic brain is wishing T could be there to make me feel safe and get me through it. My realistic brain knows it's something I have to do on my own. I really need to make it through- I need this test to figure out what's wrong. But I just don't know if I can do it.

(((everyone))) sorry to see some of you are struggling right now...

I had an okay day yesterday but I couldn't get to sleep last night. I ended up listening to music, singing along to get through the early hours ... I've got a doctor's appointment later, so I need to try and take a nap before then. The doctors practice I go to has a lot of doctors, and I haven't seen this particular one since my breakdown - I was a complete mess, in such a state I didn't think I could even get out of the car (mum drove me) and had to get escorted straight through to his office whilst I heaved into a carrier bag... I wonder if he remembers.

I have to drive to T tomorrow, and I'm stressing over the directions. I SHOULD know the way, but I've got some kind of mental block about it. I'm worried I'll mess up and not get there. Wondering whether I should get dad to come along again, but I would feel pretty useless if I did... I want to be independent and capable. It's like, a 50 minute drive, tops. People do this type of thing all the time...

[WePow]

Well, in two hours I start an intense three hour session with my T. It may be just two hours if I get tired or if T gets tired :-) We are doing EMDR work around planting my positive beliefs. That is one of the hardest things I have to face!!!!
One of my biggest triggers is having to hear good things about me - much less me saying them. That is because my folks were prop me up for whatever good I did while they bashed down my little brother. So to me, hearing good things about me or feeling good things about me makes me panic and think someone is going to be seriously hurt as a result. In fact, I am starting to cry again just typing this out.
I even told my T last night I was looking for another T! I am not, but I did ask around. I think I asked because the fear of doing this EMDR work is so heavy inside my heart. I am not sure how this will go, but I will show up.

[kaliope]

so i got reprimanded at work today because i handled my first cps call situation wrong yesterday. when i told the party i could not return the child i said it was because he had bruises and they acutually werent bruises. it didnt matter that they looked like bruises to everybody that saw them. i shouldnt have stated that. oh well. live and learn.

another long day teaching another night class. so far we have over 288 people waiting for thanksgiving baskets. i got to count and alphabetize the applications today. my entire day cancelled on me.

have tomorrow off. going to paint class on sunday to make christmas cards. a friend and a coworker are coming with me and we are going to lunch as well. pdoc will be happy that i am combining a few different anxiety activities together, paint class, lunch with coworker, activities with friends. or am i cheating and getting a bunch done at once. LOL!

wishing everybody harmony in their daily adventures!

[nicoleb2]

Having a tough time again. I don't even really know whats going on with me. I feel sad and I don't know why. I fell like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I feel like I am heading towards numbness. I'm scared of numb. Suicidal thoughts tend to follow numb and hospitalizations tend to follow those thoughts.
I can't keep fighting anymore. I'm just a waste of space. A difficult person that shouldn't be around. I'm tired of life as it is. Something has to change but i don't know what that something is

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Need ice cream, urgently.

Sorry for the delay:

[alwaysrejoice]

Im ok but still crying. I cried because my hospital bill is $2,000 after insurance. I cried yesterday because I couldn't find an appointment reminder card for my husband's doctor's appointment. I've had some anxiety today, not enough to take anything for it at this time. Still breathing heavy and clenching teeth and tension headache.

Disappointed with myself today. I shouldn't be so negative. I'd had a really good week up until about Wednesday, and had been geared up to tell T all about it, but instead i was all downbeat. Maybe the stress of driving got to me ... Poor excuse. At least I did drive. It's a boost to my confidence that I did that, and I feel more secure now I know I don't have to rely on anyone to get to therapy, no one can take it away from me... Make sense?

I've had really high anxiety these last couple of days. Went out for drinks tonight, and was having an okay time, then went for an Indian. Was on the brink of a panic attack -- alcohol does me no favours, and certain foods are anxiety triggers for me as well. It's awful trying to pretend that you're fine and enjoying yourself when you feel like you might be sick! Managed to keep myself together, although I couldn't eat much. Thankfully, when I got outside in the fresh air I felt much better, and I started to enjoy myself again (sticking to water for the rest of the night!) Wish I could go out and have a good time without having to wonder if my anxiety will get the best of me, especially when I'm out with people I keep it a secret from.

I've been getting better at the day to day, as long as I keep active and distract myself from thinking about the real issues. Sometimes I come back to earth with a bump when I realize how much time is passing me by and how I've made no progress in regard to coming up with some kind of plan of action or making decisions about my future. It's like I got off the Merry-go-round and it's going too fast for me to get back on.

(Sorry, smirnoff-ice-fueled ramblings )

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

Disappointed with myself today. I shouldn't be so negative. I'd had a really good week up until about Wednesday, and had been geared up to tell T all about it, but instead i was all downbeat. Maybe the stress of driving got to me ... Poor excuse. At least I did drive. It's a boost to my confidence that I did that, and I feel more secure now I know I don't have to rely on anyone to get to therapy, no one can take it away from me... Make sense?

Just some girl- I dont think it is a poor excuse at all. Pdoc gave me assignments to challenge my anxiety and while I managed to tackle the assignments without too much problem, the quality of my everyday life diminished. I was agitated, I started having bad dreams, I felt I was spinning out of control. I couldnt relax. So just because we can make it through the activity, doesnt mean it isnt affecting us in other ways. I know that driving was a huge challenge for you. It was bound to impact some part of your life.

I found out I am going to be a grandma again last night. My son and his wife are now pregnant. Im excited because they have been trying for awhile now. I am not supposed to tell anybody though. I had posted it on facebook and they asked me to take the post down. They want to wait till she is farther along. The sad thing is, he just got his new orders and they are transferring to Japan for three years so I will not get to meet this grandbaby right away. I really enjoyed the experience of my first one just four weeks ago, even getting to cut the cord of my first grandbaby in Virginia and being there for his first week of life.

I feel like I should be doing something today. I spent my whole day off yesterday sitting in this chair catching up on all the tv shows i recorded while i was in Virginia for three weeks and here I sit today doing the same thing. I feel restless. Maybe I will check the movie schedule.

Well I hope everybody encounters at least one thing today that brings a smile to their heart.

Originally Posted by kaliope

Just some girl- I dont think it is a poor excuse at all. Pdoc gave me assignments to challenge my anxiety and while I managed to tackle the assignments without too much problem, the quality of my everyday life diminished. I was agitated, I started having bad dreams, I felt I was spinning out of control. I couldnt relax. So just because we can make it through the activity, doesnt mean it isnt affecting us in other ways. I know that driving was a huge challenge for you. It was bound to impact some part of your life.

Thankyou kaliope! It's strange how anxiety can affect us, I guess I'm still learning that. Thanks for sharing and understanding! (& congrats on learning your son and his wife are expecting, that's so exciting!)

A little groggy today. The night out wasn't my idea and I spent way more than I should on drinking way more than I wanted...(Yes, I know, I should 'learn to say 'no' when [I] want to', but, umm... depends who your friends are and the situation, y'anno? I did have some fun though. But, basically on lockdown from now until further notice if I want to 'afford' therapy, because I am beyond flat broke. (Luckily the tickets to see Breaking Dawn next weekend are paid for! Phewf.)

Spent some time being soft with my softie horse this afternoon. She is looking great, behaving great, seems to be a very happy little mare, and I am very much the boring proud parent.

I started my new medication tonight. I'm excited, it tastes way better than the old med... Of course I'm hoping there will be other plus points to it, too, like!

Hope you're all enjoying the weekend xx

I had a really good day. Very relaxing. Spent with my grandaughter. Read books, colored, sang songs, played with playdough, etc.........

[Nelliecat]

Sort of fell apart after my last T appt last thurs. Something opened up in me and the feelings were too much. I knew this would happen. Have cried my heart out and slept a lot. Have had sui thoughts and worried the kids. I feel like such a bad mother. My friend came round thurs evening and got into bed with me and just put her arms around me. My husband has done a lot but me being in the depths of depression takes him right back to his childhood and his mother trying to take her life so he finds it hard to be with me, then of course, I feel more alone and isolated. Am waiting to hear from T whether I can have my session tomorrow rather than tuesday.

[kaliope]

(((Nelliecat)))

Had a decent day today so far. After holing up in the dark for the last two days in my jammies doing nothing but watching tv, hanging out on Pc and smoking cigarettes, I got out this morning with two friends and went to paint class and made 6 hand painted christmas cards. Little snowmen, holly, christmas balls, trees with glitter and sequins and stars. I am very happy with how they turned out. The question now is who are the lucky six people that will get the special treasures?

Conflicted on how to wrap on my T/Pdoc situation. T allowed me to just ignore it after having left the message on his machine that I wouldnt do therapy with pdoc anymore and I wanted to continue to see him. He didnt make us discuss the issue any further. It was business as usual when I saw him again. So I will be seeing Pdoc for first time again since I made this decision next week. Have plenty to talk about med wise that I can avoid him doing therapy with me or do I have to officially tell him I am no longer going to do therapy with him because it interferred with T? Theyre the grownups here. This should have never happened.

Great big smiles for everyone!

(((Nelliecat))) Hope you get to see your T, and that you're feeling more positive soon.

I'm on day two with my new med, and I've had no immediate negative resonse to it like has happened to me before with others, so I'm relieved about that. I think I'm feeling a bit lower because I've come off of one and the new one won't have kicked in yet - or maybe I just feel lower because I'm anticipating feeling lower?! I'm trying to be positive, but last night I couldn't get to sleep, and I ended up staying up late, listening to music, and having a cry...

I had an okay day today, but have felt somewhat disconnected. I talked to people, but didn't really know what to say, or 'feel' it.. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm going through the motions. The only 'person' I felt connected to today was my horse I spent some quality time with her again, she's my angel.

[PleaseHelp]

Been doing pretty good. Girls were here for a 4 day weekend so that kept me busy.

I did have a crying jag on Friday night, after the girls were asleep. I know why and I feel really silly about it. I don't understand why I feel so hurt and such about a decision I made that I know was best. But it does hurt and then I have to pretend that it doesn't hurt.

Yesterday wasn't feeling so hot most of the day. Then I had a shaking spell (possibly a mini seizure). I haven't had one in at least a year. I've never had one in front of the girls before. "Luckily," I knew it was coming and was able to tell the SO that it was going to happen. The girls were a bit scared, but dad just told them I'd be OK and it was fine. They handled it well. Just kept checking on me. They're such good kids Been pretty tired today.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

am. Super proud of myself for taking to cousin who remembers my family history and will b able to fill in my blank memory to therapist! Wish I had thought of it years ago cause I am missing 2decades of my life.

__

I had a super day. I love it when I have days like this

[nicoleb2]

Having an ok day. Went to a friends wedding. It was at a place I have apparently been before, but have no memories of going there.
My sister kept laughing and telling me I had been there before. I finally told her it wasn't funny to me that I have lost so many memories (due to ECT). She didn't even acknowledge that i said that

[beauflow]

i feel like Thearpist wants me to go away.. I am not sure if this is real or imaginary.. I started crying in session.

I feel too much right now and some what feel the part of going numb... I hate me some days.

I need to shape up, cuz I need to get my boyfriend to the clinic so he can be seen for his chest pains- I am upset with that as well cuz he promised last week to go and today it is like up in air I may brake if he says he isnt going to do.. I may ask why is he with me if he does not want to stick around.. I know that is mean, I am sorry.. I write that but another part of me knows better not to say that due to it is a mean way to push away someone in a time of hard ship.

Be well all.. I know i will try to be.

Not great. I woke up quite early but didn't manage to get out of bed until it had gone dark out. Did some things I shouldn't have... but, I did dye my hair, so that made me feel a little better about myself

Maybe tomorrow will be better...?

[Indie'sOK]

I had an appointment with T today that I was looking forward to, particularly because I've just felt so sad lately. I came home from school today to find that my parents had cancelled my appointment and that we were going to Lansing instead. I mean, sure I love going out, but I was looking forward to tonight.....

Or am I just a brat.

[kaliope]

I dont think youre being a brat Indie. It is always a disappointment when we miss out T appts for any reason when we are looking forward to going. I hope you at least had a good time going to Lancing.

Had a decent day. Started off a little agitated because I had one of my reoccuring nightmares again last night. I dont really have chaos going on in my life so it must be some inner turmoil causing it because I only have these dreams when I am not doing well. Is it a sign of something to come? Am I worried because I decided to get off haldol?

Today was less than exciting. three appointments and picked up a ton, literally, of potatoes from the market for our food baskets. they tried to put a flat on the truck but the whole thing sank so they had to unload the two hundred bags into the back by hand. then our volunteers got to break each bag into two. Bless them. Thurs will be more exciting when I make multiple trips to pick up 400 of everything else I ordered. The potatoes cost nearly 600 dollars. I hate to see the tab on the rest. And still, in the end, people are only getting a little turkey/ham, 5lbs of taters, rolls, stuffing, gravy, a can of yams, can of veggies, can of cranberry sauce, and a pie. For 2-3 people this is great, but gosh, i feel so powerless for the families who need so much more. this is just a drop in the bucket for them. work becomes so difficult this time of year because I feel like we just cant do enough. frustrates me.

hope everybody is doing as well as they can be. hugs to all.

ugh

[nicoleb2]

My t appt got cancelled for today, but I got a new one for tomorrow. I'm not really sure that I want to go. I am not really sure that I am feeling anything. I don't know anymore.

I talked to one of my group dbt t's today. They were talking about some stuff that while innocent to most people, was really triggering to me because of the accident i was in a month ago. She said she will not talk about it anymore and will tell the group not to either because it is triggering someone.. of course they are all gonna know it's me

[Nelliecat]

Better, not brilliant, but better.