[Nelliecat]

I need to put everything back inside where it should stay. Put my walls back up. I'm not worth it. Bye everyone. Don't worry about me.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Nelliecat

I need to put everything back inside where it should stay. Put my walls back up. I'm not worth it.

Just my 2 cents (pence?): exactly the opposite. Stay here and get the warmth that you need.

[PleaseHelp]

I was an absolute mess at work yesterday. I was a mess before I left for work. I had a hard time pulling it together (stop crying) to get to work. I was glad to be alone in the office for a bit b/c i did start crying. I wrote an email to my SO apologizing for just about everything. For being alive, for being in the way, being a bother, told him I felt like I was a burden to him and the girls, and was causing more pain than good. And then went he didn't write me back for almost 2 hours I felt like I was completely right about all the stuff I wrote. Never mind the fact that he's bad at checking his email during the day. He did write back and tried to reassure me. I ended up calling him (everyone else was out of the office) and I had a melt down. He was really reassuring and supportive. Told me he was working hard to get homework and studying done so he could spend a good portion of the weekend with me. I just want this month to be over with. I get so stressed out during the holiday season.

Its really hard for me to admit when I might need a boost in my meds to get me through. But I was so low yesterday, the bad thoughts were bad, and I felt like I was spiraling. So I did call my Pdoc, who of course was not in (she's there like once a week). The nurse couldn't get a hold of her. One of the other Pdocs suggested I go on Welbutrin or Remeron. DUDE I just need to get through the month! Those meds take more than a month to get into your system. This pdoc doesn't know me or my situation. He has no clue. I just told the nurse, I'd be fine and would make it through until I could see my own Pdoc. Sometimes I wonder why I even ask for help.

When I got home from work my SO was really understanding. I took a short nap, which seemed to help a bit. And we just vegged for most of the night. I even slept in this morning, which is probably something I needed to do.

OK I'm rambling.

Had to struggle to keep my positivity last night when a well-meaning friend would not take the hint, or the heavy hint, the assertive comment, or my downright being blunt, to stop talking about my work situation and my 'problems'... sometimes it seems everyone is a shrink, you know? "I know what your problem is, all you need to do is [this]..." I just had to explain that I couldn't talk about it right now, that I'm just trying to live one day at a time at the moment, and that I appreciate his caring, but that I have my psychoanalytic needs covered already(!) and that I just want my friends to be my friends, and talk about the random junk that 'normal' people talk about. I'm currently finding it quite difficult to communicate to people other than my therapist or you guys on the forum, like they're a different breed somehow! We get by and all and chat and laugh, but I don't feel heard or understood, and I feel like I'm simply going through the motions... polite laughter and going 'oh! ah! yes! nooo!really?' in the right places... I guess I still feel somewhat disconnected.

I agreed to spend some time with mum today, as we'd had a decent couple of hours together yesterday. But, today it was different. We just had plans to nip to town because she wnated to buy me some shoes for xmas, she wanted to go to the supermarket for some bits and bobs, and then up to the farm - nothing major - but she has just been in such a bad mood. So irritable and angry about EVERYTHING. Other drivers got roadraged at, she complained about all sorts of things, she kept slagging off one of our mutual friends even though I repeatedly told her I didn't want the drama and could she leave me out of it and tried to be diplomatic... even the way she was driving her car was erratic and aggressive. Everything all day has been an issue - and always someone's fault?! I suspect she'd been drinking last night, because she almost seemed intoxicated/hungover. It's been a trying day for me, and I've struggled to remain calm and assertive, and to keep my anxiety at bay. I don't think she realises how her behavior troubles me. I'll be glad to get home later, to retreat back to the quiet safety of my room.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better...
Hugs to everyone.

[kaliope]

While I think the new hug button is a cool addition, they seem impersonal and too easy here. Just not enough for some. (((Nelliecat))) (((PleaseHelp)))

Just went over my finances and paid my midmonth bills and discovered the way paydays fall, I dont have to save my rent money out of this check so finally let go of this anxiety I have been having about money.

Now I can go Christmas shopping without worry!

Hugs to all!

[nicoleb2]

feeling kind of weird. not horribly depressed, not happy Kind of numbish, but not totally numb.

Hope that makes sense to anyone. I'm just so tired of fighting this fight...

[PleaseHelp]

This weekend has been fairly stress free, which is what I really needed. I don't feel like I've been very productive though, so that makes me feel useless. Trying not to be too hard on myself. Think I'm going to try to get some stuff done today. I've already started on the laundry and dishes and made breakfast - and I've only been up for an hour

I feel let down today. That mutual friend that my mum was so annoyed with yesterday but whom I tried to give the benefit of the doubt to? Totally proved me wrong and that she cannot be trusted to be reliable or to stick to her word. Several things came to light today that bothered me, in fact. Disppointed and let down, but trying not to take it personally or let it really get to me.

I couldn't go riding either, because everyone bailed on that - even though this afternoon the weather would have been ideal. Again, disappointed. Riding lifts my spirits, I look forward to it, and it's important exercise for my horse. So, I just feel like today has been a bit of a waste of time, and spent largely fitting in with and running around for other people who don't appreciate it.

On the bright side, I woke up easily at around 8am. That's every morning since my T used hypnosis with me last session that I've woke up at a 'normal' time - even if I have been feeling exhausted and have had to go back to bed for a couple of hours here and there late morning or afternoon. I've got to sleep pretty easily each night as well. And I'm feeling so much CALMER than I did last week. Like, more centered? I think I love hypnosis. I have tracks I listen to at home, but I don't think they're as effective anymore because I've heard them SO much now that sometimes I can't concentrate on them, it's like my brain gets bored and my focus wanders off. Hypnosis in session is always different, and seems to work better. Maybe it's because my T tailors it specifically to my situation at the time... maybe it's because T is there in person and not through a pair of headphones... maybe her office is a more relaxing place? I don't know...

Still not loving meditation, though. I keep trying but it makes me want to scream. I feel like I have to grit my teeth just to get through it.

I need to get to making some holiday cards. I need to figure out a design... still not feeling in the festive spirit, but I guess I have to make some kind of effort eh? I hate this holiday and wish I could ignore it altogether, so I was thinking of going with something secular and non-specific like 'happy everything'

[SoupDragon]

Sad

[delicatefade26]

Not good at all tonight...really bad sui thoughts and just feel horrible...

[crazycanbegood]

Possible Trigger




I am focused on losing the 500 pounds I have gained over the past two years through depression, antidepressants, binge eating, and alcohol abuse. After a week, my knee is hurt already! I am so out of shape for my age. It's disgusting.

[nicoleb2]

I'm really mixed up tonight... I am so proud of my kids. They had their Sunday school Christmas program today and did really well. They both had lines (only 1 for my 6 year old). I am so amazed that my 6 year old said his line, in public, in front of a lot of people!
I am SO proud of them, but at the same time I feel awful and I want to cry.
I don't understand this, it doesn't make any sense

[eclogite]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I'm really mixed up tonight... I am so proud of my kids. They had their Sunday school Christmas program today and did really well. They both had lines (only 1 for my 6 year old). I am so amazed that my 6 year old said his line, in public, in front of a lot of people!
I am SO proud of them, but at the same time I feel awful and I want to cry.
I don't understand this, it doesn't make any sense

Sometimes when things are going well and I'm in a really good place I start to feel very desperate and ungrounded like when I'm in a really bad place. This happened to me earlier today. I don't understand it at all.

I don't know if this is similar to what you experienced today. If it is, I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you're not alone.

[WePow]

Will have to see how today goes. I wrote this poem about my therapy lastnight:

numbness hums a sober song
in the stillness of the night
where shadows dim know no wrong
and stones hardened feel no right

lost and found ramain the same
tears are dried and pain is dead
what remains - a childish game
forgery inside my head

goals are whispers in the wind
passing nothings just a dream
lustful longings never penned
washed away into the stream

stillness lasts as doors abound
hallways into unknown lands
open lostness has a sound
reaching out with open hands

I actually sent it to my T but he didn't reply. That is ok though. I am numb at this point. And my tornado nightmare is back. But whatever. Sometimes I am not sure if therapy is doing anything for me at all. Then at other times I think it is working.
Shrug.

[beauflow]

((Everyone))

So the last few days I was all over the place, even over the weekend I was a Tad over the place but not as bad as the end of the week last week.... I still got agravated, loud, mean, happy, loved, and so on but it did feel so chaotic

I also got to talk to my sister-my oldest sister that I have not talked to for a while- it was a nice covo, we did talk about our mother--- I am glad to hear my oldest sister is not really dealing with her any more-- ((I am sorry-- this is just our mom-- she is unlike any one here- meaning she does not even recognize that she has severe issues)).... I think i started to make my sister sad cuz I did do some inappropriate laughing- But i told my sis-- it just makes laugh some times, cuz I know we (the kids of my mother) have issues, but we are nothing like her when it comes down to it.. told my sister we all poke that stuff with a stick--- poke poke....my sister laughed and agreed with that-- we got caught up we have not talked on the phone for so long.

She is -- is a good mom.. Her kids appreciate her- I am glad. I talked with her kids for ano hour too which was a blast but tiring at the same time, cuz they are so full of energy and bouncing from here and there--- and I kept lying to them when they asked what was up with Aunty, just told them been working, home with the animals, and yeah really boring adult stuff.

I told my sister what has been up with me in tid bits, she does like to know what is going on... this sister i speak of-- when she was nine i was a baby, she use to take care of me as far as what a mother should do- play, change dipares, feed me... she is like my mom in ways. But at the same time, i remember when she was 16, she wanted nothing to do with me (lol naturally a 16 and a 7 year old) I love her.

The one thing that majoraly bothered me, is she asked about my dad-- MY brohter does the same, I feel they put the weight on me to go rescue dad-- I think they want me be the one to call dad.. I explained to my sister, dad has my number, if he wants to talk, he has my number- i do not want to call due to our other brother has the phone (My dad is blind), and this brother callled to ask if he could live with me cuz he got kicked out again-- so messed up.. a lot there- i had not talked to this brother in over like 8 years when he asked to come live with me-- besides that he hangs out with my oldest brother which is the stem of a lot of my issues.... so yeah-- just a lot there

any ways- It was nice to talk to my oldest sister... my boyfriend said, he shooed me out of the bed room cuz i was talking loud- and it was past 22:00 our time.... he said I was laughing and talking loud which he loved to hear but he just worried about the neighbors above us- and thought maybe i was being too loud-- I love him. I did not even notice myself...

My family, my sister also asked me about our other sister. lol, i know they have had rough patches, but i think my oldest sister wants to talk to my other sister-- my oldest sister can be "like our mom" BUT There is a VERY Distinct differences -- 1) my oldest sister will apologize if she finds she was in the wrong- even if it be years later. 2) she tries her best to cope with what issues she does see with in herself- 3) she keeps trying.

I was so nervous talking to her at first, IDK why-- i get that way... with all my siblings.. but it almost always turns out to be good convos

I am sorry -- it was just a really good call... We don't talk much, it is like with us- we can't be too inolved with one another or we do end up wanting to strangle each other... but it is always to keep in contact once in a blue moon

[nicoleb2]

Today was one of the worst days I have had in therapy for a while and now I am having major urges to SI.
We talked about this time last year, I was hospitalized and attempted suicide on December 28th last year. I am having some of the same thoughts and feelings as last year (not to the point that I would actually attempt again), coupled with the awful things I feel about myself. It was really hard, and got me to thinking how this may be affecting my 9 year old because of what she knows from last year.
I am the most awful of awful parents to affect her this way.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by nicoleb2

I am the most awful of awful parents to affect her this way.

not entirely- I do not agree with that- NicholeB you may have issues to which does effect your children, but you being a loving mother-Read it in your posts, proud of them, stick up,.... and when time is right, talking with them- you would be surprised what children understand some times.

[PleaseHelp]

Woke up with a headache and was already on edge. Got an email from my MIL. Glad to hear from her, but she really triggered me with comments about the gifts she was sending for the girls. She said "The girls are to be able to take these outfits home with them (meaning their other home) and wear them all that they wish." It just hurt b/c its pretty obvious when you say take them home, you aren't referring to our house. I don't think my MIL has any clue what the girls go through when they take stuff (even gifts) from our house to their mom's. I hate putting them through that. I understand that my MIL wants them to be able to wear their outfits more than what they would at our place, but she just doesn't get it. And for the last couple of years, all the gifts she gets for the girls are to be taken to their mom's. What's wrong with our house? Why can't she get them gifts they can use at our house. Just really upset by all of it. Pretty sure its just by BPD acting up, but still hurts none the less. So now I'm at work, trying not to think about it but can't stop. All I want to do is cry. This sucks!

I've had a rather lazy day - just no energy at all. But, although I've been pretty sedentry at least I've been awake since around 9am. I designed my holiday card template, so I just need to get out the fineliners and glitter and actually make them! Maybe I'll do some tomorrow, if I get time - I have a few things to do first. I'll be buzzing about in my car a fair bit I think.

Been awake just over 12 hours now and I'm feeling rather drowsy. Maybe it's the medication, but this one is supposed to be less sedating than the last one I was on... Could just be the depression. I hope it is, and that it will dissipate along with it. I don't want to have to think there could be something ELSE wrong with me.

I'm still feeling relaxed and calm at least. It's great not to feel all on-edge and emotional!

[Indie'sOK]

This is the second session where I've really felt a sort of mini-breakthrough. My therapist is so smart and so much better than my Ex-T. When she points out my own intelligence, I feel like a million bucks

After the wedding and two 911 calls that interrupted it, I think today was just about back to normal!

[nicoleb2]

I got "talked to" today by both of my DBT group t's. I have been too unfocused and they want me to focus better, even though they knew sleep has been an issue for me and I am having med issues.
Between that and my t session and now my phone is broken, I just want to say screw it all. I am so done

[crazycanbegood]

POSSIBLE TRIGGER




another good day of eating and the knee pain is clearing up! i am so ready to see some difference in my body. would LOVE to see my jelly roll unroll itself.

[delicatefade26]

Not doing well...im confused and frustrated with how T is going...I had this horrible feeling when I woke up this morn that T is mad or annoyed with me...so I wrote him not 1 but 2 emails and I'm embarrassed now..i just want to go to sleep and have everyone leave me alone!!!

[mommyof2girls]

God I feel so YUCKY today.....