what went on

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 05:53 PM

i went to T and again i got all panicky and couldnt say anything T sat in her chair and just looked at me the whole time not saying a word not even how was your week or anything not any opening remark just looked at me.i couldnt take it any longer i just felt like a huge waste of space with everything going on in my life right now i couldnt handle feeling this way any longer and i felt she was doing this to me on perpose and i was so hurt and all i just said i'm leaving and stormed out .now i dont think i can ever go back last session she said she couldnt help me and this session she acted like this i know she dont want me back and it hurts like hell

velcro003 · Oct 17, 2011, 05:55 PM

granite i'm so sorry you feel this way. though i want to point out that last session your T said she WISHED she could have helped you that session. That she WANTS to help, but maybe is at a loss at the moment. My T can go a veryyyyyy long time without speaking, and she waits for me to begin as well. That is just how some T's operate. Please go back...I know you can do it.

Oct 17, 2011, 06:28 PM

oh my gosh that sounds SOOOOO hard. i wish your T would have said something...done something. If I had been in your shoes, I would have felt the same w ay as you and done the same thing. I'm so sorry. I can tell how much you're hurting. I am really sorry.

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 06:52 PM

i am just so hurt and out of it

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 07:08 PM

glad so many can be amused by reading my post.but not here for amusement i am just no ok and dont want to be peoples amusement sorry

Oct 17, 2011, 07:08 PM

sending lot of safe hugs

I'm sorry you are hurting but I hope you will go back to your next session. I know this sounds like a terrible thing for me to say but I think that you can print out your post and try to read it to her or have her read it. These difficult times with our T. always lead to some great work in therapy.

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 07:09 PM

she wont take me back she told me a long time ago i cant walk out like that.thanks for hearing me though

Oct 17, 2011, 07:11 PM

I am so sorry you are hurting so much.... I can remember a time when my old T sat there and looked at me the whole time, and I was in so much pain that I had a hard time saying anything--- I needed her to reach out to me, I felt like I couldn't reach out to her. I felt so alone and lonely and invalidated when she didn't talk. I remember feeling so worthless and stupid. It just hurt so much. I am so sorry that you're feeling so bad... I came back to respond to your post again just because I remember how that pain felt and I've been thinking of you this evening, I remember that kind of pain all too well...

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 07:20 PM

it just hurts so bad and i cant controle it.why does she hate me so much.i was never mean to her at all never called her names or anything i never even yelled at her or raised my voice to her or anything.i never put her down or anything.why??i dont know i just wish i would get hit by a big truck and stop being everyones problem

omg i am so spinning

Kacey2 · Oct 17, 2011, 07:23 PM

Oh Granite..............I am so sorry. I am not just reading to be amused by your story. Though I do know how it can seem like that sometimes here. I wish I could sit with you right now. I wish I could help you some how.

rainbow_rose · Oct 17, 2011, 07:28 PM

not amused at all. I'm SO sorry that you are hurting so much, granite!

I'm here, listening, if that helps.

sittingatwatersedge · Oct 17, 2011, 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

glad so many can be amused by reading my post.but not here for amusement i am just no ok and dont want to be peoples amusement sorry

don't understand, just got here myself. Granite, whatever happens in session can be useful; please don't give up. Yr T wants your good, you must believe that. I am sorry it's so hard.

Oct 17, 2011, 07:53 PM

I wish I could make it better for you.

Elana05 · Oct 17, 2011, 07:56 PM

I'm so sorry to hear today hurt so much.

Sending supportive thoughts your way...

rainbow8 · Oct 17, 2011, 08:04 PM

granite, I am SO sorry this happened to you. I know your T doesn't hate you. She obviously thinks if she waits long enough you will talk to her. I don't know what advice to give you. You have other options--to try someone else, or to give or tell your T what you've posted here. If you do the latter, something will change but she's got to hear your feelings to be able to help you.

I KNOW how badly you're hurting!! I wish I could help more. I feel SO helpless. I care about you a lot!!!

karebear1 · Oct 17, 2011, 08:27 PM

((((((((((granite))))))))))

Dear granite............. my heart just breaks for you when I read posts like this. I know how badly you are hurting- I've felt the same way many times. There is something good that can come from this- but you will have to be the one to reach out for what you need. It's very, very hard to do. You'll have to make yourself do it. You'll need to make yourself jump past the fear of rejection and humiliation you so easily feel. That's what I had to do anyway. It's gonna take a lot of soul searching and trying to define where these feelings are coming from and plain old courage to get what you need, but you can get it my friend.

The first thing that came to my mind when I just now read your post was.....

Did you ever feel like this as a child? Did you feel no connection with your mom? Did she often just stare at you or wait with impatience as she asked you to explain yourself? Did she intimidate you when she spoke to you? Are the feelings you felt with T today familiar to feelings you've felt with your mother? Would that explain the deep wound you felt from this "session"?

Can you tell you T that you need her help in starting sessions out? My T knows how hard it is for me, because I finally said something and now she helps out all the time. BUT SHE WOULDNT UNtIL I ASKED FOR IT AND TOLD HER WHAT I NEEDED HER TO DO> I was scared to death to do it- scared she would laugh, or scoff at me or tell me that was my place to start the sessions or that she would say no. I guess when it got so bad that the pain of her saying no (the worst thing she could do to me) hurt less than or equal to the pain of what I was feeling as a result of not being able to ask- I asked. I think you're at that place granite. I don't know how you could make yourself suffer anymore than you already have. This is one of those pivitol points in therapy. If you can take the chance and tell her what's going through your head as you decide to leave it will open a whole new avenue for you- and it will be so enlightening to you and leave you with a sense of inner peace.

It's not easy, especially when you feel as bad as you do now, but what do you have to lose? Could anything that happens make you feel worse than you do now? If the answer is no, try taking a chance- you never know what will happen unless you do.

I'm praying for you and hoping that you can feel a sense of calmness soon.

Hugs friend.

unaluna · Oct 17, 2011, 08:37 PM

granite, do you mean by amusement, people are viewing but not posting? I think many people identify with you, are very interested in your progress, and care about you. I think what happened today in session reflects what happened this weekend with the mother. whether or not your T knows about the tickets, you showed T how you feel - you showed her that you feel nobody listens to you, it doesn't matter what you say. So maybe it wasn't a wasted session, because that truth was demonstrated - the mother wants her own way regardless of what you want. Christmas comes early at PC, unfortunately. T's should know that and allow for it.

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 09:01 PM

i dont think i can ever believe that she ever cared one way or another.she had to know i would have no choice but to leave .that i wasnt going to be able to handle it any more i believe she set it up so i would leave.after three years she would know.but what did i do to get her to hate me so much.people just do

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 09:27 PM

sorry i keep posting but i cant stop my brain .i missed her so much.i really did.why did she do this.i really hurt and i isn't getting better.i so dont like her right now.i know i will never see her again but it hurts.and i am so scared ill just be like this always.i said i was going to stick with this untill it worked.i guess i messed this up also .but i guess i knew eventually this would happen.grrrr i so want to scream and never stop but even if i cry my husband will drag me to the clinic so i am hiding but i just want to scream

Oct 17, 2011, 09:38 PM

((((((((((granite)))))))))))

Can you take a moment and get grounded right where you are? Sometimes I get SO lost in my spirally thoughts and it just feels worse and worse and worse and like there's no way out.

If I can get still enough to listen and name 5 things I can hear, it slows me down just a little bit. Right now I hear my fingers on the keyboard, my husband chewing gum, cars far away, the fridge humming, my dog sighing. I can feel my breath going in and out and the air from the ceiling fan.

Having a hard session doesn't change your own, special, basic goodness.

Thinking of you

FourRedheads · Oct 17, 2011, 09:45 PM

I'm sorry it hurts, Granite. I wish there was something I could say to help.

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((granite)))))))))))

Can you take a moment and get grounded right where you are? Sometimes I get SO lost in my spirally thoughts and it just feels worse and worse and worse and like there's no way out.

If I can get still enough to listen and name 5 things I can hear, it slows me down just a little bit. Right now I hear my fingers on the keyboard, my husband chewing gum, cars far away, the fridge humming, my dog sighing. I can feel my breath going in and out and the air from the ceiling fan.

Having a hard session doesn't change your own, special, basic goodness.

Thinking of you

i am trying to calm down and decide what i am going to do next .maybe i will just not look for another T for a while it just doesnt seem to help.i did care about this T a lot and i dont understand why she did what she did but maybe T isnt for me at all.thanks tree

stopdog · Oct 17, 2011, 09:58 PM

I went to one t for about 4 months who would just sit there while I shook and my teeth chattered. I had no idea what was supposed to be going on and got no response from it when I asked. One day I just got up and left and never looked back. I now interview them to make sure that, at least, will not happen again. The two I have seen this year were both much much better in that department for me. So I know it is possible to find one who will not let you sit there being tortured. I know how horrible it is and I am sorry you had to experience it with the t.

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

don't understand, just got here myself. Granite, whatever happens in session can be useful; please don't give up. Yr T wants your good, you must believe that. I am sorry it's so hard.

i dont have a choice i walked away she told me i cant do that and i am so hurt by her that i dont think i can ever look at her again

granite1 · Oct 17, 2011, 10:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

I went to one t for about 4 months who would just sit there while I shook and my teeth chattered. I had no idea what was supposed to be going on and got no response from it when I asked. One day I just got up and left and never looked back. I now interview them to make sure that, at least, will not happen again. The two I have seen this year were both much much better in that department for me. So I know it is possible to find one who will not let you sit there being tortured. I know how horrible it is and I am sorry you had to experience it with the t.

i dont understand whyy they do this.how was it helpfull to make me feel like a usless waste of space

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