what went on

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 06:40 AM

I just want to say that lastnight felt like the world was going to end for me and i just didnt care.i didn't think that i was ever going to feel any better.thanks all of you for caring for me when things really seemed so miserable and endless.i hope i am able to do the same for all of you.

i am still really shooken up by yesterday but at least i am able to function and think somewhat clearly about the situation.i am going to try and call my T today and tell her i need her to let me know how much i messed thing up and if i really screwed up being able to come there anymore.

i hope she will call me back but i am so mistrustfull now it feels like i am back to square one. what she did was mean and hurtfull and i dont know how to approach it with her .i probibly won't.some things are better just left alone and forgotten in the intrest of pece.it was mostly me acting like a spoiled brat anyway because i wasnt getting my way or something.

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

((((granite))))

I'm so sorry you're in a bad way right now with your therapist.

I posted a thread not even a week ago and in it I said that my t is VERY non-directive. He will, and has, helped steer the direction of the conversation IF he sees something relevant to the topic of conversation that needs to be "examined". But mostly, it's ALL ON ME. And I hate that. I have MAJOR trust issues, esp with men (t is male), and even though I KNOW in my head that he's there to help me, it's hard to actively do that and not feel like I'm going to vomit. Really, it's like a physical feeling that I have when I'm there; and since I'm trying to get through that, I have no motivation to talk and make that feeling worse. The worst part is that he knows this and won't help me with it. Not a crumb. He's perfectly content with sitting there - all session if need be - until I talk first. I almost bolted outta there once; I'm not sure what held me down. I'm kind of contemplating finding another t, but I can feel myself somewhat attached to him and......ugh.

Anyway, I do completely relate to this. I'm actually wondering myself what the point of all of this is. I read about how glorious it is on "the other side" of therapy and I want to be there so bad too. But g*******t, it's hard getting there.

I do think that your t is being a bit rigid with her boundaries. I mean, you certainly can't be the first and only client who has felt the need to cut the session short. I hope she calls you back. This whole thing is a learning process and if you were expected to "get it right" the first time, then why would you even be there at all.

Lots and LOTS of hugs for you today and this whole week!

thanks for understanding.i sometimes know why my T is quiet and the things that she does are in my best intrest i am just having a real hard time trying to make this make any sence to me.trying to get something good out of what went on and it just isn't happening yet

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 06:50 AM

echos you always make so much sence when you respond.the heartach is knowing all your wisdom has come from so much pain.

mixedup_emotions · Oct 18, 2011, 06:58 AM

((((( granite )))))

I'm SO sorry that I wasn't here for you last night.....I'm glad you're doing a little better.

I recall sessions when I shut down and T just SAT THERE....and I became so upset and angry and frustrated. I then just told him that I wouldn't waste his time anymore.

The next session, we talked about it...and he said he wasn't frustrated with me at all, that he was giving me space to "just BE". And we talked about the feelings that came up for me - how I felt abandoned by him in that moment, distant, that he didn't care. All of those feelings that came up were generated by me, not him. It's sooo hard to deal with.

Hope your conversation with T goes well....((( HUGS )))

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 06:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ECHOES

(((((((((((( granite )))))))))))

I'm so sorry your session went the way it did.

I wonder if you could call her to help you feel better for now?

You know, I have had times just like this only it was when T was away. But it's similar, where I can't wait for T to return, and then when she did return, I was not able (or willing) to connect because that was when my anger about being away from her would surface. I would not connect with her because I was angry with her; then, afterwards I would be angry with myself because I wanted to connect but I didn't.

Do you think your anger might also be disappointment in yourself, as well as disappointment in your T? It is so hard when we can't talk but we really really want to talk. So disappointing when we can't make it happen. We have a need but we can't verbalize it and it feels really awful. It feels awful to want connection, and to need connection, to need our anxiety relieved, but for whatever reason to not be able to get 'there' to the place to make it happen for us.

Why don't you see if you can call T to talk briefly about what happened. Maybe she could fit you in on Thursday (if I'm remembering correctly that this is the other day she is in). Or maybe you could just get a bit of relief on the phone. I think you'd feel better.

I can certainly understand all the feelings you have about having to miss a session just because of a holiday, about missing her, about not being able to talk when you so wanted to, about wishing she would have said something to help, and about being disappointed in her and in you, and about the fear you have that walking out is something she can't tolerate.

Don't close the book yet; this chapter wasn't what you wanted it to be, but the book is more than just one of it's chapters.

echos you always make so much sence when you respond.the heart ache is that all this wisdom comes from so much pain.

i know i was very angry at her when i saw her yesterday and paniced and confused but wanting to connect just like you said.i have missed her a lot because in the last two months we havnt seen each other much and i have so much going on with work and the mother but i couldnt say anything as soon as i saw her i was so overwelmed any plans i had went out the door.and it seems she was not having anything to do with helping me either .she was thare if i wanted to talk otherwise she was just going to stare at me and pick at her nails.
she so made me feel like i was a useless piece of crap taking up her space and time.
that was how i felt then and it was to unbearable i had to leave it was what she wanted and me also.i couldnt bear to have her looking at me .
anyway i am trying todat to see things differntly or atleast with a small amount of controle and i am dealing a bit better.may even call her for a 3rd time.this will probibly result in her putting restrictions on how much i call but what ever.
thanks for careing

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 07:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

((((( granite )))))

I'm SO sorry that I wasn't here for you last night.....I'm glad you're doing a little better.

I recall sessions when I shut down and T just SAT THERE....and I became so upset and angry and frustrated. I then just told him that I wouldn't waste his time anymore.

The next session, we talked about it...and he said he wasn't frustrated with me at all, that he was giving me space to "just BE". And we talked about the feelings that came up for me - how I felt abandoned by him in that moment, distant, that he didn't care. All of those feelings that came up were generated by me, not him. It's sooo hard to deal with.

Hope your conversation with T goes well....((( HUGS )))

it's ok MUE believe me i was not a very pleasant person lastnight.i am a but more in controle this morning.
i dont know what will come about with any convewrsation.i know she wont see me untill next session but she may call me back.not sure to at least tell me i can come back monday.she once told me i could always call to make sure i can still come to see her

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nelliecat

(((((((((granite)))))))))

I really truly understand this. Despite my previous thread about my emotions being dulled in T a few weeks ago I had a complete meltdown in session. I sat on the floor next to T and cried my heart out and she sat in silence. The longer the silence continued the more unwanted and useless I felt. I left feeling the lowest of the low but managed to drag myself to the next session only to stay 5 minutes and walk out. I truly believed she didn't want me there. I truly believed I was worthless. But she DID want me back and I'm trying again. Your T WILL want you back, you ARE worth it. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could do more. Keep coming back and talking on here. Keep yourself safe

i am so mixed up about if she will want me back and being scared to go back.i just felt so bad i dont want to feel that way again

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

no, there are always choices. Give yourself some time to calm down and bob back up to the surface again (let it happen when it happens) and then think about what might be done. right now you need to try to get out of your spiral and get some rest. we're here for you Granite. We don't hate you, and neither does T.

i think todays choice is to call and hopefully she will call back and let me know what is going on.
i really dont believe i had a choice but to leave yesterday.i couldnt talk at all and the longer i stayed thare the worse i felt .i needed to run .i just cant help but think my T knew this would happen and just for some reason let it go like this.i am trying today to not make it into her just wanting me to quit but it isnt easy

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 07:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flooded

Well you did leave like that. Does not mean you are finished with your t by any means. I bet t has had hundreds of people do that

I would like to think your t meant you better be prepared to discuss WHY you left the way you did when s/he said you can't leave that way. What caused you to react that why and why you're in so much pain

I hope you manage to contact t or just turn up to your next appt.

if this is the case i cant promice her that i can even open my mouth.it is really hard for me to talk at all

rainbow_rose · Oct 18, 2011, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

she once told me i could always call to make sure i can still come to see her

i've been thinking of you, granite.

sounds like you are feeling a little better, which I am glad to see. i hope you'll be able to make the call to her, to hear from her that you can still see her.

((lots of safe hugs))

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You are doing a lot of assuming and mind reading again, Granite. You are back to my T is angry with me and hates me again. I don't see any of that in what you have told us about what happened. She was giving you the space to be silent. I mean, she's trying to figure out what will help you, but given little input from you, she's going to mess up because she can't read your mind. Obviously you needed something different from her, but she didn't know that. She's running a bit blind here.

I suspect things will be fine. You need to make another appointment with her and talk to her about how this made you feel. Try not to make things so black and white here.

i really do hope things will be fine but i am so hurt i really am trying to come back but it is hard.i am going to try and call her in about an hour to be sure she is in her office.

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 08:15 AM

so i called her .dont know if she will call me back or not but at least i called i hope because i call her three time between lastnight and now she doesnt restrict me from being able to call again.that is all i have left i cant e-mail or right so who knows maybe next she will say i cant come to see her anymore

karebear1 · Oct 18, 2011, 08:26 AM

When you call T today, please tell her you would her like to call you back , otherwise she may not and that will just put you back into your spiral again. Also- can you relay to her all of your feelings about yesterday just as you wrote them here? It would be helpful to both of you if you did granite.

I'm glad you'e feeling a little better this morning.

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 08:53 AM

i did call and asked her to call me back i dont know how much i will be able to say to her if she does call me back i dont think she will want to talk at all but to just tellme if i can or cant see her on monday.

sittingatwatersedge · Oct 18, 2011, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by granite1

i dont know how much i will be able to say to her if she does call me back .

Granite can you just write down what you need to say (even if it's, "I was calling to confirm my appointment next Monday at usual time" and "ok thank you") ? then you don't have to talk to her exactly, you can read what you wrote down? would that take some pressure off?

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 09:31 AM

my T accually called me back

she told me of corse i can come back on monday she said she knows that i am doing the best that i can but she thinks that i can do better. she then said she had a sujestion.seeing as one of the things that needs to be worked on is me being reactive that nextime i feel this way that i need to tell her and then we can talk about it.if i remember the one time i told her i wanted to leave she told me to stop acting like she is tourchering me.at the time it really felt like she was.i asked her if she was horribly angry at me and she stopped for a second and said G have i ever been horribly angry with you?think about it a minute.i probibly could think of a million times i felt this way but i felt it best not to talk about it at this time and just said no.it isnt a conversation to have on the phone.she seemed to sound a little like she cared when she said she knows i am doing my best but thinks i can do better.she ended with see you on monday and pleas will i think about what she said.

Oct 18, 2011, 09:35 AM

Your T sounds very supportive and wise. Sounds like a good goal to work on. Glad she called back.

unaluna · Oct 18, 2011, 09:35 AM

You and your T should try switching places - role play.

BUT I am so glad!!!

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

You and your T should try switching places - role play.

BUT I am so glad!!!

the concept is interesting

Nelliecat · Oct 18, 2011, 09:53 AM

Granite

I'm so pleased T called. Even just that little bit of connection will make going back a little bit easier. I think you're trying as hard as you can by what you've said before.

Nelliecat

purple_fins · Oct 18, 2011, 11:32 AM

Wow you have such courage

You called her!

I don't understand therapy much and how it all works-- but I do know I had a therapist that did the "silence" thing and I bolted too!
I hate that!

for me -- silence is NOT golden, when in therapy--

I don't feel safe, I don't know what they're thinking, I don't know what to expect, I can't decipher the mood. (it's like I'm sitting in a pitch dark room and told to RUN to the door! -- I could trip over something, gash my leg, run into a wall, fall over on my head!-- all sorts of unsafe things could happen... that's what silence in a session feels like to me)

Now, I have a T. that is very engaging-- there's rarely silence for more than
5 seconds-- I like that so much better! It feels a lot safer to me. my mind tends to go to the negative/paranoia when silence abounds-- that just makes things worse, at least for me.

Maybe the silence is just what you need though-- to progress?...

I wish you much luck with your next session.

fins

karebear1 · Oct 18, 2011, 11:56 AM

Awwwwwww granite! I'm so proud of you!! And so happy that T returned your call and that you'll be seeing her again on Monday. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

LOVE the idea of role playing! That would be so interesting!!

pbutton · Oct 18, 2011, 11:57 AM

Granite I think you are incredibly brave for calling your T. I do practically anything to avoid talking on the phone.

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by karebear1

Awwwwwww granite! I'm so proud of you!! And so happy that T returned your call and that you'll be seeing her again on Monday. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

LOVE the idea of role playing! That would be so interesting!!

lol dont think it would be much of a role play i would sit and stare at her and she would sit and look at the carpet lol at least oi would be able to really look at her for the first time ever lol

granite1 · Oct 18, 2011, 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pbutton

Granite I think you are incredibly brave for calling your T. I do practically anything to avoid talking on the phone.

believe me talking at all is not my thing and the conversation wa short but i am proud of me for doing it and surviving it.i guess she was right when she said i could call any time she is in the office if i needed to.she called me back almose emediately .i feel hesitant to think it really is ok to call because i fear she will take it away and not being able to write or e-mail this is all i have as hard as it is

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