what went on

thanks rain i just wish i could turn it off.i am trying.i called her to tay i was sorry but she wont call me back

i just feel like people lurk around and are amused by what was hapening to me i know this isnt you i'm sorry if i made you feel this way i didnt mean to

i don't think i am going to ever see her again

thanks so much for understamding

thanks kacey i would so love it if i could have you just hang with me right now i feel so alone.thanks

Granite, I'm not reading to be amused .. . I believe in my heart that many people, myself included read because we experience the same thing but we turn away or not respond because we don't know what to say. It's scary and disconcerning to see/view someone as doing or feeling what many of us feel or experince in therapy. I think from what I read of your experience that you don't think or feel that anyone views therapy in the same way you do .. . I can safely say that I and others that I"ve talked to over time have experienced the same feelings and sensations you have in regard to being "in therapy".

If you are a person who is "tuned into" reading clinical books, please take the opportuinity to read a non-fiction book titled: Trauma and the Advoidant by Robert T. Muller. I am a very well read person in regard to psychotherapeutic clinical readings, but this book took me by surprise. I read it in one day (it's not a long or terribly intellectually demanding booK) but it's a text that is useful and awakening to people who struggle with connecting/accepting/trusting/being open. ... I'm not saying that you have difficulty with that . . . but I am suggesting that you might want to "check out" this book. Take care!

i do read some if recomended i will definately check it out thank you

((((((((((((Granite)))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you had such a hard session.

Well, I'm - I don't know what! It is very well known - it's an old joke, even - that a T will sit there while BOTH of you say nothing, then at the end of the hour, say, "Same time next week?" as if it were a perfectly normal session! I can understand her not calling you back. The time to talk is during a session, not on the phone after a not-talking session. So she will listen to you and talk to you at your next session. Don't you always have Monday at the same time? Or did she tell you THIS time that you could not do this (no talking)? Because you had a MAJOR stressor, didn't you? A few months ago, you wouldn't even have shown up. I think she is being hasty and arbitrary in her decision to cut you off, and not being a good therapist. You could email her this thread. She does not have all the info. Don't turn her into the mother.

I'm not amused by other peoples pain especially when I've been in an exact same scenario myself.

My t would often wait for me to start. One time we sat in silence for 40mins before I did what you did and left.

We had discussed this might happen at some point so she was prepared for my ways of coping. The only thing she ever said to me was that if I walk out, she still expects me to be at my next appt.

I have an idea of the pain you are in. Try and ground yourself as tree suggested. It will pass.

My heart goes out to you

i'm not allowed to e-mail her at all alli can do is call her and i did she wont respond .i cant send her a letter because she wont read it unless i'm in session.i really dont think she wanted to work with me and this was her way of setting me up to fail so she didnt have to see me any more.i guess it is as good a way as any to stop T with a client and still be able to say hay i did all i could.if she told me that i cant leave a session like that a long time ago.how am i to know if she even wants me to come back.if i cant e0mail or write and she wont call because talking is for session.god i hate my life

all my T has ever said was i cant leave like that and that is it she never said anything else about it and i never did untill now and i dont know what is up and i assume i'm done she wont return my call.i did call and said i was sorry.

granite- when T said you can't leave a session by walking out, did she say what would happen if you did?

oh, granite you are just extra hurt BECAUSE you missed her. its so hard after a break to need to feel a connection, and not getting it. let your hsuband in...if he thinks you need to go to the clinic, he's probably right.

can you explain this further? did you walk away early one session, and when you came back she said "Don't ever do that again or else I won't see you?" If so...that is a boundary that I don't think most T's keep. They know their clients are going to get upset and bolt. I've left early, and felt extremely guilty about it, but it was ok. I don't think your T wants you to always bolt, but I can't imagine her not worryign about you. There was this one session when I was going through a lot of stuff and not handling it well when my T said, "Velcro, I worry about you." I think my jaw dropped to the floor. YOU worry about me?! WHY! I'm just a client. Of course i didn't say that, I just looked shocked and moved on. I definitely have trust issues with my T, but not as extensive as yours. Can you see that if I was completely surprised by my T's reaction, that maybe you can be surprised by yours caring for you? From what you've posted about your T, she seems like she's doing a good job.
What did you say? "Hey, T, I just wanted to say I'm sorry?" Because if so, she probably won't call back. I've called and apologized on my T's voicemail and she doesn't call back unless I ask her. If not she'll bring it up the next session. And if you want a call back, CALL HER BACK! Seriously. I"ve called my T 3 times in a 36 hour span. Once was rambling, the other one upset, and the third asking for a phone call back...which she did. Do it at night or a time you know she won't pick up, and say "I know I called already, but I am really spinning around about last session and need a phone call back." Or whatever works for you. She WILL call you back.

T's don't play games. Their job is to have us stop playing games with ourselves! She is not setting you up to fail. I know how you feel, because I've felt the same way. THinking "Well, she brought this up because she wants me to quit, or find another t." I thought that she wanted to fire me for about 3 years. We endlessly had this conversation about it, but it just never felt like enough. There was always "I could still do this and then she'll fire me, or I can just never open up and she'll get sick of me" going around and around. This finally stopped in small moments. How I went into a session nervous about an email i sent her, afraid i'd made her mad, but i realized...i wasn't worried about her kicking me out! All of those YEARS of her telling me over and over that she won't kick me out finally sunk in.

#1: Call your T back. Let her know you need her to call you. You can leave it at that, or tell her that you are unsure if you still have an appt. on monday. If this is something you are confused about, call her. Seriously. If you can't do that...GO TO YOUR SESSION on monday. If this is a weekly slot that you have, then it will be open to you. No T is going to let you walk out the door and then think "Oh well, guess Granite is gone...time to move on." You didn't storm out saying you were never coming back again. Did she say anything to you when you left? If not, I think she's probably expecting you back. CALL HER.

what is the context of you leaving last time? same situation...you both were just silent and you couldn't handle it, so you left? was she concerned for you driving upset?

((((granite))))

I'm so sorry you're in a bad way right now with your therapist.

I posted a thread not even a week ago and in it I said that my t is VERY non-directive. He will, and has, helped steer the direction of the conversation IF he sees something relevant to the topic of conversation that needs to be "examined". But mostly, it's ALL ON ME. And I hate that. I have MAJOR trust issues, esp with men (t is male), and even though I KNOW in my head that he's there to help me, it's hard to actively do that and not feel like I'm going to vomit. Really, it's like a physical feeling that I have when I'm there; and since I'm trying to get through that, I have no motivation to talk and make that feeling worse. The worst part is that he knows this and won't help me with it. Not a crumb. He's perfectly content with sitting there - all session if need be - until I talk first. I almost bolted outta there once; I'm not sure what held me down. I'm kind of contemplating finding another t, but I can feel myself somewhat attached to him and......ugh.

Anyway, I do completely relate to this. I'm actually wondering myself what the point of all of this is. I read about how glorious it is on "the other side" of therapy and I want to be there so bad too. But g*******t, it's hard getting there.

I do think that your t is being a bit rigid with her boundaries. I mean, you certainly can't be the first and only client who has felt the need to cut the session short. I hope she calls you back. This whole thing is a learning process and if you were expected to "get it right" the first time, then why would you even be there at all.

Lots and LOTS of hugs for you today and this whole week!

granite - I am not amused at all. My heart goes out to you and this struggle. I am sorry to hear about how difficult your session was. I was just wondering last week what kind of training Ts got through that allow them to sit and stare at us for long periods of time without saying anything. I would have been frustrated too.

I also appreciate your posting what you have been thinking and going through throughout this thread. You share so much of your feelings here on the forum. Can you print them off for T to read?

Please be gentle with yourself.

(((((((((((( granite )))))))))))

I'm so sorry your session went the way it did.

I wonder if you could call her to help you feel better for now?

You know, I have had times just like this only it was when T was away. But it's similar, where I can't wait for T to return, and then when she did return, I was not able (or willing) to connect because that was when my anger about being away from her would surface. I would not connect with her because I was angry with her; then, afterwards I would be angry with myself because I wanted to connect but I didn't.

Do you think your anger might also be disappointment in yourself, as well as disappointment in your T? It is so hard when we can't talk but we really really want to talk. So disappointing when we can't make it happen. We have a need but we can't verbalize it and it feels really awful. It feels awful to want connection, and to need connection, to need our anxiety relieved, but for whatever reason to not be able to get 'there' to the place to make it happen for us.

Why don't you see if you can call T to talk briefly about what happened. Maybe she could fit you in on Thursday (if I'm remembering correctly that this is the other day she is in). Or maybe you could just get a bit of relief on the phone. I think you'd feel better.

I can certainly understand all the feelings you have about having to miss a session just because of a holiday, about missing her, about not being able to talk when you so wanted to, about wishing she would have said something to help, and about being disappointed in her and in you, and about the fear you have that walking out is something she can't tolerate.

Don't close the book yet; this chapter wasn't what you wanted it to be, but the book is more than just one of it's chapters.

(((((((((granite)))))))))

I really truly understand this. Despite my previous thread about my emotions being dulled in T a few weeks ago I had a complete meltdown in session. I sat on the floor next to T and cried my heart out and she sat in silence. The longer the silence continued the more unwanted and useless I felt. I left feeling the lowest of the low but managed to drag myself to the next session only to stay 5 minutes and walk out. I truly believed she didn't want me there. I truly believed I was worthless. But she DID want me back and I'm trying again. Your T WILL want you back, you ARE worth it. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could do more. Keep coming back and talking on here. Keep yourself safe

no, there are always choices. Give yourself some time to calm down and bob back up to the surface again (let it happen when it happens) and then think about what might be done. right now you need to try to get out of your spiral and get some rest. we're here for you Granite. We don't hate you, and neither does T.

no i wish she had but i couldnt ask her at the time.(big surprise)i assume it means that i am done.infact i am 100% this has to be what it means

Well you did leave like that. Does not mean you are finished with your t by any means. I bet t has had hundreds of people do that

I would like to think your t meant you better be prepared to discuss WHY you left the way you did when s/he said you can't leave that way. What caused you to react that why and why you're in so much pain

I hope you manage to contact t or just turn up to your next appt.

You are doing a lot of assuming and mind reading again, Granite. You are back to my T is angry with me and hates me again. I don't see any of that in what you have told us about what happened. She was giving you the space to be silent. I mean, she's trying to figure out what will help you, but given little input from you, she's going to mess up because she can't read your mind. Obviously you needed something different from her, but she didn't know that. She's running a bit blind here.

I suspect things will be fine. You need to make another appointment with her and talk to her about how this made you feel. Try not to make things so black and white here.

i didnt leave early or anything it was the end of session and i was just angry or something and as i left i said something like god i cant take this and left in a hurry.the next session she said i cant just leave like that that if i am upset that i need to tell her esrlyer in the session so we can talk about it.so maybe it didnt mean that it was over.i dont know