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#1
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I had a very sad realization this afternoon that I don't know what love feels like. I was thinking today how much I would love to just curl up on the couch and watch a movie with... anyone who loves me.... and cares... but I could come up with no one. Not one single person.
The thing is, it goes both ways. I don't think that there is anyone that I truly love, either. Not my parents, nor my siblings, nor any relatives, nor, really, any close friends. I have a few good friends, but I don't know if I love them or just really care about them. And I wouldn't know if they loved me, either. How will I know how to love myself if I have no one to love, and if no one loves me? My parents "love" is suffocating and conditional, and not at all what I imagine it should be like. The closest thing I think I've ever gotten to feeling "love" is what I feel with my T - but I know that isn't love. If T ever told me she loved me, I wouldn't believe her. I know she cares about me, but it isn't love. What does love feel like? How will I know if someone loves me? If I love them?
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Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
Go ahead. Read my blog. Really. It's pretty good. |
#2
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Love is a completely unnecessary phenomenon. When someone really loves you it's not because you deserve it or have done something special for them. There's no reason to it. You know someone loves you by the fact that over and over again, without your having done anything except be yourself, they show you (not say to you) in the way they are with you, the way they touch you, the way they look at you, the way they simply ARE with you, that you mean more to them than the world. And yes, no kidding, this really can happen between real human beings.
Do you know for sure that neither of your parents loved you? For sure? From all of your childhood memories? That no one else, sibling or other relative, didn't love you? Not having been loved at all as a child is a very serious thing. And the love of adults for adults is not all that dissimilar from the love of parents for children. Reach deep inside yourself for any remnants of love you may have received as a child. Many people don't, but most people do, receive real love as a child. It's built into the instinctive reactions of all but the most neurotic or mentally ill of parents. Only you can tell. As an adult, one receives love as one deserves it. All people project their personalities into their immediate surroundings. Which signals are all picked up by people in those surroundings. And those personalities of those broadcasting people include very much their capacities to be selfless, to be loving, to be caring. The people around you and everyone else know how capable you are of loving someone else besides yourself. They can feel it. Those who can't sense the reality of those capacities come from screwed up backgrounds and know neither what they want, what they need or what anyone else is capable of. The mating game is the No Man's Land of contemporary warfare. Good luck! And take care. ![]()
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We must love one another or die. W.H. Auden We must love one another AND die. Ygrec23 ![]() |
![]() beautiful.mess
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#3
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i often feel that i have never experienced love either... to me, if someone loves you they just do and it shouldnt really ever change. i think people have loved me like that, i just (speaking for myself here and not suggesting that youre doing this, OP) either discount that love or dont let it in.
i know the people that really love me because they are faithful to me. they just never go away. they are few, but they are there i also received the "programming" that i had to be and do something to be loved... which made me never feel loved because i always felt that i was never doing enough, and i couldnt love others because i would apply the same standard to them
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http://strawberryfields.psychcentral.net/ |
![]() Hope-Full
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#4
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Quote:
I care about people, sure. (I'm not cold hearted!) And some people do care about me - even though I sometimes think they don't! I assume my parents 'love' me, and I 'love' them - but like you, my relationship with both parents isn't what I imagine it should be like. It feels distant, like a default setting. So no, I don't think I know what love feels like either. (Unless you count how I feel about my animals! And I do think they love me for me, and not just for the food I put in front of their faces... ![]() |
![]() Hope-Full
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#5
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Hang in there! I have thought a lot about this question too lately. How do you know if what you feel is love. How do you know if you are loveable. How do you recognize love when you are in the presence of it.
Where I've gotten with this so far.. (in case it helps) is it's almost like, if someone met all your needs, held up to every possible ideal, and you knew they would never leave you, would that be love? I think for many people it wouldn't. Because I think to really feel loved, you have to be able to feel vulnerable and accepted by the other person. There's a feeling of having each other's backs. For me it would also be hard to love someone without feeling they will be in it for the long haul. Which not all friends are... but some are. Loving yourself is useful though to get through bad moments. I think that is a really great idea. ![]() I have wanted to actually have this as a theme for a therapy session, just go in and be like "ok what is the meaning of love." |
![]() Hope-Full
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#6
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IF you want to experience true unconditional love, get a dog. I'm not being glib at all. My first anchors to love were with animals.
In fact, my therapist used that love as very powerful leverage to get me to open my eyes to the love that was around me, I just didn't feel worthy of it and was suspicious of it.
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![]() Hope-Full
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#7
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You are not alone Hope-Full. I came to the realization this year that I don't know what love is. I find myself wondering is I will ever know. I wish you the best in your journey for answers. Hugs!
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The power of thought, the magic of the mind. ~Lord Byron 1788-1824. British poet. ![]() |
![]() Hope-Full
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#8
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(((((((Hope-full)))))))
I've thought a lot about your post...and I've started writing/deleted/came back/tried again/deleted/etc. A few years ago in therapy, I said to T, "I don't think anyone loved me growing up"...which was true in my family...and T asked "was there ANYONE? A teacher, maybe? A friend?" and I really thought about it and I realized that I felt loved by my third grade teacher and my best friend's mom. I'm still really grateful to T for pushing me at that moment, because it gave me a point of reference...I WAS loved, by someone, and this is what it felt like. Safe, and like even if I was "in trouble" they still cherished me, and like somehow they were able to see some good part of me that I wasn't even sure existed. People who used the words "I love you" when I was growing up were people who hurt me, and I have pushed love away for YEARS because of fear, feeling undeserving, wanting to be left alone...just a huge self-protective shell that I constructed around myself. I've always had an easy time giving love freely to other people. I just talked to T about this a couple of days ago. I have this deep, deep belief that people are basically good, although I don't know exactly where that comes from. I find joy in my kids, and my friends, and I have a feeling like I want to wrap them up somehow, or feed them nourishing things (bread I bake, kind words..). I want them to be able to feel their goodness, to REALLY know and experience that about themselves...to *get* that they are good enough, just how they are. I love T, too. I am starting to let love in. I find it hard, still, to believe that it can be real or safe, and it is still VERY hard to not push it away. It's easiest to let my kids love me, and after that, it's easiest to let T love me. It's hard with H, still, but I am trying. For me, the biggest piece of the puzzle is believing that I *deserve* love. Gak. It's HARD. Really, really hard. I've read a few times that love is an action word. That we love people by doing loving things for them. Letting someone do something loving for me is impossibly hard...it means being vulnerable, it means opening myself up in some way, it means not being this independent island-of-a-person. Maybe that's why I can feel T's love so strongly. I've let down my guard, and he's shown me over and over again with his actions that I am loved. One thing I know for sure, hope-full...you are absolutely, completely, essentially, deserving of love. I don't have a single ounce of doubt. ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() BonnieJean, Hope-Full
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#9
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We come to find that Love is that "Oneness" with self. I thought for many yrs that that could only come from another, but as nice as it is to feel loved, real "love" is just that, being at home with oneself.
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![]() elliemay, Hope-Full
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#10
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I agree Earthmamma. It has taken me a long time to realise that what I seek outside of me I actually need to find within..and it is there. Once I can love myself, I can love and form loving relationships with others. But it always starts within because others are only mirrors for our own inner states. I also remember how angry I felt when people told me this before I could accept it.
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#11
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Thanks for all the replies everyone, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
@Ygrec23 - as a child, and even now, my parents DO love me. But it's a toxic love, and not an unconditional one. I get that what you put out is what you get... and I am surrounded by people at work that are always thanking me and appreciating what I do and complimenting me, but I block that stuff and don't let it in. If love is something that just is, well, I don't know what it is. @StrawberryFieldsss - I totally hear you - I think that even if people do love me, I do exactly as you said - discount it or don't let it in. @just_some_girl - I actually loved my two horses. Loved to the point where it was excruciating when I had to say goodbye, and swore I'd never own another animal again. The loss was just too painful. Then again, I rarely let emotions land, and when they do, I feel way too much - I guess I am an extremist in that sense - all or nothing. Numb or overwhelmed and paralyzed by emotions. @lastyearisblank - Thanks... I *think* that I may be lovable, I just don't know who would want to love me. I know I have good qualities that people admire and comment on, but is that enough to be loved? And the people complimenting and commenting are not people that should love me , so that twists things even more in my brain. I think you nailed it with the vulnerability. The only person I can let myself be vulnerable with is my T, and that's because of the boundaries in place. That isn't love. I don't know. It's all very complicated, and I don't think it should be? I have few friends, but those few do seem to kinda have my back, and that's a mutual thing, so maybe there is hope there? And yes, I do want to try to bring this up with my T, should be interesting! @elliemay - I wish! My condo isn't conducive to pets, nor is my job as I am gone too often. Plus, I don't know if I could go through the heartache of losing a pet again. It's happened three times - twice with horses and once with my cat. It is an interesting idea, though, to look for the love around you... thanks for that food for thought! @Chiya - Thanks for the words and hugs! @treehouse - it's interesting that you landed on your third grade teacher. That's what grade I teach, and I am still in contact with my third grade teacher. She is something special, but I don't know that she loves/loved me... But I think that's my biggest problem with all of this - I don't know that I'd know what love is/feels like if it walked up and pinched my cheek! Like you, the words "I Love You" have very little meaning because they were spoken with no meaning my entire life. Empty words. How did you crack through that shell? How did you start to let love in? How did you know it was actually love? I get the idea of giving love via things you love (baked bread, etc) and I hope that I'm doing that through doing what I love - teaching, but it's just so confusing. I do love my T, she is incredible, but I know it's not mutual, and I'm ok with that. I've opened up to a few people in my life, and tried to let them in, but... even there it's not worked well. It seems that once I let people in, in order to keep them I let them walk all over me. Hmmm.... more food for therapy talk. Thank you too, for your unwavering faith that I deserve love... Maybe if I hear it a lot, I'll start to believe it. @earthmamma - that's my ultimate goal, I believe - to love myself and have that be the most satisfying love ever. Any love from others would just be icing on the cake. @ Dreamy - I think that's a big part of the reason I am still single - because I haven't learned to have a loving relationship with myself, so I know I won't be able to have a healthy loving relationship with others.
__________________
Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.
Go ahead. Read my blog. Really. It's pretty good. |
#12
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ive been in relationships, Ive even been engaged, have I felt love?? people have loved me, my last ex loved me so much she locked me away from the world, did I love them??? no, do I love my friends? They love me, they tell me all the time, But they understand that I will never say the L word to them, they settle for wuv, do my parents love me?? with all their heart unconditionally, But I still struggle with this word Love...I have the ability to feel it, just I dont think its something you can just feel for anyone, it has to be that one person.
I cannot describe it any better than Ygrec23 his first sentence, is the best description I can think of ![]() |
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#13
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I don't think there is a "one size fits all" description of what love feels like. I think all kinds of love encompass genuine affection, caring, support and commitment but the amount or extent of each depends on the type of relationship involved. In some relationships we give much more than we receive; in other relationships it may be the other way around. And in some relationships the give and take is about equal. I think the feeling of being loved, then, depends on the context of the relationship.
It seems that many of us who come to therapy with unmet needs for love or with a general feeling of deprivation seek out the unconditional love we should have been given from our parents. My T and I have talked about this quite often because I noticed that people here sometimes describe being loved by their T's in a way that feels "much better" than what they get from anyone else, and I didn't understand how it could feel so much better, but if it felt that good I wanted it, too. I didn't get what I wanted, though, and I was angry and hurt for quite some time. But we talked about it extensively, and he explained to me that those of us who were abused by our parents "seek more of that dependent love and are understandably angry/hurt when it is not forthcoming. Adult love is about give and take with ideally equal pleasure in the giving and receiving. Child love is almost always about receiving. As most therapists don't expect to receive from their patients, therapist love feels more pure to patients because it only involves getting, being much more like the fantasy of parent-child love." The result of receiving that kind of love from a T is that it feels much better, much more nurturing than what we get from other relationships. It feels like we're finally getting some of what we missed out on when we were young. The problem, though, is that we can't replicate it in our real-life relationships with other adults unless we continuously place ourselves in dependent roles by seeking relationships with adults who allow that kind of dependence. And when those adults aren't people who have our best interests in mind, we can easily get hurt. The other problem is that we become accustomed to getting and needing this love that feels so good coming from our T, and then it's extremely difficult to give it up because nobody else can ever meet that need in the same way in real life. It can become almost like a drug because it feels so good for a little while, but eventually it wears off and we need it again and again in order to feel good about the relationship and about ourselves. I think it's important to think about and talk with our T about different kinds of love before coming to the conclusion that we don't know what any kind of love feels like. Many of us have likely missed out on the unconditional love we should have received as children, but that doesn't necessarily mean we have never been loved by anyone. In therapy I've learned to recognize the different kinds of love I've experienced in my life, and I know I experience a kind of therapeutic love from my T that is appropriate for the nature of our relationship. And part of the way he shows how much he cares is by regulating the level of intimacy so that I don't get "too much" or "too little" from him. He gives me enough for me to know that I am cared for and valued, and most of the time I feel cared for and valued as well, although I don't always "feel the love" because there are times when I want more than he can or is willing to give me. As much as I may want more from him, he is careful to never give me so much that it undermines my motivation or desire to seek out close relationships with other adults in real life. He wants me to feel safe, secure, and cared for in our relationship but he never wants the therapeutic love he gives me to feel "too good" because he's not doing his job if he tries to make up for what I missed out on as a child or if he leads me to believe that if I get "just enough" from him it will be all I need to heal.
__________________
Conversation with my therapist: Doc: "You know, for the past few weeks you've seemed very disconnected from your emotions when you're here." Me: "I'm not disconnected from my emotions. I just don't feel anything when I'm here." (Pause) Me: "Doc, why are you banging your head against the arm of your chair?" Doc: "Because I'm not close enough to a wall." It's official. I can even make therapists crazy. |
![]() BonnieJean, Hope-Full, rainbow_rose
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#14
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Quote:
![]() I do feel that I have known love at earlier times in my life but not a lot recently. I feel capable of giving love. I take a lot of joy in both giving and receiving love. It is definitely not one-sided for me. Now the ones I love and who love me are just my two children and my cats. No "outsiders." I think it will always be that way. There's no one else in my life besides a circle of acquaintances. But I feel very lucky to have my kids. I put my T in a different category. I think there is love between us, and that is wonderful, but it is very boundaried and stays within the professional relationship.
__________________
"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
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#15
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Quote:
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Soup |
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#16
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Quote:
How does their passing negate all those wonderful times together? The feeling when you were with them? The connection? Love can be incredibly messy - gut wrenching and awful, AND it is amazingly quiet and peaceful. But, then again, that's true of life in general.
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#17
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Sunrise, I think in some situations it can help to hear the words too, but since I've explored the many kinds of love in therapy, and the different feelings that are evoked in each, the words are much less important to me now. It can be too easy to get all caught up in attributing one specific meaning to the words "I love you" even though the way it's spoken and the way it's heard may be very different. I guess that's why I rely more on actions now, because unlike some other languages, the English language doesn't have different words for different kinds of love. And I'm not so sure that hearing the words will put your mind at ease if you have doubts about someone's love for you. I tend to think those doubts tell us something about ourselves or about the other person, and the words won't necessarily alleviate the doubts. Maybe we have doubts because we feel unlovable, or maybe we have doubts because we aren't being treated well well by someone who's supposed to love us. Either way, the words can give us a false sense of security (He says he loves me so it must be true even though he hurts me) or they can lead us to blame ourselves if we still don't feel loved by people who say they love us.
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Conversation with my therapist: Doc: "You know, for the past few weeks you've seemed very disconnected from your emotions when you're here." Me: "I'm not disconnected from my emotions. I just don't feel anything when I'm here." (Pause) Me: "Doc, why are you banging your head against the arm of your chair?" Doc: "Because I'm not close enough to a wall." It's official. I can even make therapists crazy. |
![]() Hope-Full, sunrise
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#18
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That's a very thoughtful response, PreacherHeckler. Thank you. I think I'm unlike some others because I haven't had bad experiences with people telling me they loved me when they really didn't. When people have told me they loved me, I believe they truly did, although this has been an infrequent occurrence. And I liked hearing the words and receiving their love. I like reciprocal relationships so it feels good to receive as well as to give. I think part of my difficulty comes because I feel my parents should have loved me or my husband should have loved me. They didn't really act like they did, so I guess their (lack of) loving words were consistent with their behavior. Maybe that's a better experience (more truthful) to have than those people who feel lied to by insincere words of love. But it still hurts, just the same. I've relied on people's actions all my life to tell me how they feel. I would like to know and spend time with people who are more verbal and expressive about their feelings. Being ever the detective and vigilant observer can be exhausting.
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"Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." |
![]() Hope-Full, PreacherHeckler
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#19
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Ygrec >> Love is a completely unnecessary phenomenon. actually would it not be true to say that love is completely essential ? We are social beings. Without sufficient love, babies who are given sufficient food may die. Certainly, if love is not given (and given properly) in very early life, it stunts and damages the person, maybe for good.
[...] When someone really loves you it's not because you deserve it or have done something special for them. hm, there is conditional love, based on just this; maybe that's not what you're talking about, you are talking about unconditional love. or at least an ideal KIND of love. [...] And the love of adults for adults is not all that dissimilar from the love of parents for children. this is interesting. So we mostly remain, deep inside, the children we once were. Yes probably so. ![]() [...] As an adult, one receives love as one deserves it. you're saying that for an adult, there can be only conditional love? what about the colossal love of children for parents who don't deserve it? ![]() not jumping on you at all Ygrec, just that your post started me thinking. Which is where I get into trouble. anyway, just some random thoughts to your post. ![]() |
#20
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I have always found it easier to understand children and animals. Their emotions are simpler and more honest than those of adults.
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#21
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Actions speak louder than words. Words can be discounted, twisted, misunderstood, disbelieved. But a single spontaneous, generous action can cut through even my worst paranoia.
A friend looking for me (when I was sitting in my car, crying), tears in my therapist's eyes: I will remember these when all words are forgotten. |
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